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Monthly Archives :

September 2016

Civility And Respect Is A Choice: Immutable Law Of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Civility and Respect, Always A Choice: Immutable Law Of MarriageToo frequently, I have clients who treat me with great respect, being very civil.  I keep thinking, “What a nice person.”

Then, their spouse comes in.  Civility and respect are out the window.  More often than not, both are equally uncivil and disrespectful.  Unfortunately, neither seem to recognize that each has a choice.  Civility and respect, both, are always a choice.

How about you?  Do you choose to be civil?  Do you choose to be respectful? (Regardless of your spouse’s actions!)

Civility and respect can be the foundation for building/rebuilding a strong marriage.

But you have to choose it.

Listen to this week’s podcast for more help on this.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up

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You HAVE To SHOW UP!: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Immutable Law of Marriage: You Have To Show Up!The body is there, but nobody’s home.  That would describe many people when their spouse is talking.  Or even when they are making love.

The shell is there.  The person?  Not so much.  They are failing to “Show Up.”  And they are violating an Immutable Law of Marriage.  If you keep failing to show up, eventually, there will be no relationship to show up for!

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who forgot to show up?  That hollow look, the lack of emotional connection, those missed facts.  It doesn’t feel too good, does it?

Which raises the question:  How often do WE fail to Show Up?  I’m afraid I miss it more than I want.  But can we show up MORE?

Absolutely.

Let’s talk about how.

And if you have missed the other episodes from the Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series, here they are:

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse

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Look For The Best In Your Spouse: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Look for the best in your spouse!I was a bit surprised when he pulled out a list from his pocket.  He told me it was a list of all the problems his spouse had.  I was so surprised that it took me a minute to respond.

By then, he had already launched into his list.  He had it categorized into “appearance,” “habits,” “issues,” and others I refused to listen to.

He was just getting ready to highlight each category when I said, “Where is the list of her great qualities?  Where is the list of YOUR shortcomings?  Where is the list of relationship strengths and weaknesses?”

If you are thinking, “What a jerk,” I caution you.  Most of us have his list somewhere in our minds.  We have a list of places where our spouse falls short, could improve, might want to consider.

That list is rarely (I would say “never,” but someone might prove me wrong) helpful.  It is a critical (and probably not completely accurate) list that misses all those great qualities that attracted you in the first place.

To be clear, we ALL have places where we could learn, stretch, and grow.  That is not the issue. The issue is that spouses often get caught up in looking at the shortcomings — and ignore those other areas.

What if we flipped it?  What if we spent MOST of the time looking at the strengths and great qualities?  What if we were to look to be supportive — not critical — and cheering our spouse on?  What if we became the president of our spouse’s fan club?  Not just a fan, but a raving fan?

We violate this Immutable Law of Marriage on a regular basis.  Here’s how to fix it.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do

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Love Is What You Do: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Love is what you DO.“I just don’t feel it anymore,” she told me.

So I asked, “What are you not feeling?”

“Love.”  She told me she no longer loved her husband.

I asked, “What are you doing to be loving?”

She looked up, a bit surprised.  “What?  I just told you, I don’t love him.”

I challenged her, “I heard you say you don’t FEEL love, but I didn’t ask that.  I asked what you were DOING to be loving.”

She admitted she was doing nothing.  Because she didn’t feel anything.

I think she had the equation wrong.  She wasn’t feeling any love because she had stopped being loving.  To be fair, they both had stopped being loving.  No surprise that the feelings pretty much evaporated at that point.

Here’s the problem:  Love is a complicated word.  It has many meanings and many shades.  But when a marriage is in trouble, almost always, the default definition is the feeling of being in love.  Then, that is used as the yardstick of the relationship.

Unfortunately, those feelings are a result of acting lovingly.  But people keep waiting for the feeling to be there, so they would feel like acting.

Listen below on why this is the wrong move, wrong direction.  And how to change it.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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