May 2020 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Focused On The Wrong Things?

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By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 27, 2020

At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis. Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.

And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.

Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.

That can head you right toward disaster and further discord. And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage.

“Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction.”
Kenichi Ohmae

There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst. And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention.

Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis.

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When Marriage is Hard

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 20, 2020

“Why is marriage so hard?” That is a question I often hear from struggling couples.

What happened? All of that love, all the connection, seems to disappear, to be replaced with struggle and strife.

At the start, it seemed so easy. You wanted to be together, to spend your life together. Then… something shifted. Things got tough.

Does that mean that the marriage was wrong, that you married the wrong person?

Or is there something else going on?

There are several challenges that arise in any marriage. They are challenges, not insurmountable obstacles. They prove that “being in love” is not enough to get you through life.

You CAN make it through the struggle. And no, the struggle does NOT mean the marriage is headed for failure or broken. There IS a place for renewal and connection.

Listen below for more on how to get past the struggle.

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Hanging On To Hope

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 13, 2020

Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless. You may even be wondering that, too. But is it? Is it hopeless?

Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation?

Let’s be honest: if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation.

Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way. We find the way because we hold onto hope.

In my latest book, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness. I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s barriers is by having hope. Holding onto hope. Maintaining hope while waiting for space to make a shift.

Hope has 3 core components… all within your control and choice. But you do need to know the components in order to choose. When you do, you choose hope.

Remember that hope is not about waiting for a spouse to hope… or even to shift. It comes from within you, a choice you make. Hang on to hope!

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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Love Isn’t (Only) Romantic

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 6, 2020

“Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.”

Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else?

Most relationships are sparked by infatuation. Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage. It is, though, not the goal.

For most, that part of a relationship is a stage. It naturally cools over time. This is just the nature of an attraction. It tempers over time. Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion.

Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside? Not at all. You just can’t count on it as the focus.

Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance. The fact that it disappeared is more a reflection of the damaged connection than a sign the marriage was not meant to be, or has irretrievably failed.

I discuss the Passion Paradox in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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