June 2020 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

The Differences Between Happy and Hurting Marriages

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg June 24, 2020 June 23, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2020

Marriages start at the same place: two people in love, ready to face the world together. And most believe they have already beaten the odds. Their love is “the real thing,” enduring and lasting. It won’t fall apart like those other marriages. They have already won.

Except they haven’t.

Some marriages keep on moving forward, resolute and solid, loving and supportive. But many hit an inflection point. They go from happy to hurting.

And many times, they can’t find their way back… mostly because they don’t know what the difference was; what made the difference between happy and hurting.

Interestingly, most people name differences that don’t make a difference between happy and hurting. What they assume makes a difference, doesn’t.

Instead, there are 4 differences that do matter. And here is what is important: they can be changed. Once you understand the 4 differences between a hurting and happy marriage, you can shift toward happy. They are learnable skills, once identified.

Listen below for the 4 differences that don’t matter and the 4 differences that do. They make the difference between happy and hurting.

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Service or Repair?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 17, 2020

My car is in for service. Usually, that means I am in their lounge, trying my best to work with daytime TV blaring in the background. But due to COVID, I decided to leave it there and head for home. Now, I am just waiting for the call to pick it up.

It’s just regular maintenance today (fingers crossed). But there were other cars there for repairs.

Which had me thinking….

What does service mean for a relationship? How about repair for a marriage?

The more I thought about it, the more the metaphor fit. If I do regular maintenance on my car, it by no means guarantees that it won’t break down. But it does increase the chances of avoiding a roadside breakdown.

Let’s be fair: even the best-maintained vehicles can still break down, still need a repair. But let’s also be clear that if you have maintained your relationship, it is far less likely to need a repair, and far less likely that it will be costly (I can attest to this after the demise of my first car).

Well-maintained marriages are far less likely to hit a crisis — a breakdown. And if they do hit a crisis, they are better equipped to deal with the crisis and the outcome.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover the process of marriage maintenance (5 steps) and what to do when it is repair time. Listen below.

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How to Deepen Your Connection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 10, 2020

The #1 reason people sought me out for couples counseling: “We are just not connected.” The #1 reason why marriages end up failing: “We are just too disconnected.”

What happened? That connection you had at the beginning of your marriage… where did it go?

I can tell you the biggest reason why couples become disconnected: life gets in the way. Or more correctly, couples let life get in the way. They hit the “pause button” on the relationship. Because of kids, the career, schooling, hobbies, friends… lots of reasons.

They just didn’t know there is no such thing as a pause button. Either your relationship is growing or receding. There is no pause.

Still, they hit pause… and their marriage begins to disconnect. Then, reconnecting seems so hard. It is pushing against the inertia created. It starts feeling like one more “have to” that is shuffled off to the back, last in line. The marriage stays “paused,” and the relationship continues to decline.

How DO you deepen your connection? That is the topic on this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.

I discuss the 3 levels of connection, and why it is so easy at the beginning… and then gets hard. I also note the 2 characteristics you need in order to build the connection between you and your spouse.

And then, I introduce you to a couple who have created a fun way to build connection with your spouse. Don’t miss that discussion!

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Survival Rules for Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 3, 2020

Your marriage is in trouble. You know you want to save your relationship, but you aren’t sure how.

Step #1 is surviving.

Confession: I have an abiding interest in survival. I’m the guy who reads all the scuba accident reports, the shark attack reports, and the mountaineering accident reports.

Why do those who survive make it through? What makes a difference for them?

They followed, on purpose or by accident, “rules” of surviving. Those rules can help you, too.

Your first task is to survive. That gives you time to take more action. Those actions are designed to rescue your relationship. In fact, that is one rule I cover… being the rescuer. Check it out in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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