December 2024

Miranda asked me, “What do I do?  My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too.”

A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond.  One of those barriers is hopelessness.

But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?

There is an equation of hope:  hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there.

If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless.  Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action.

There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope.  So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward.

Listen to the episode below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Book, Beyond the 3 Barriers — Covers hopelessness!
Save The Marriage System
Coaching Services
Moving Forward… One Way or the Other
Stuck in the Negative
The Fatal Triangle

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When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd.”

What a loss!  She would be losing out!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Gratitude and Marriage
How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage
Ghosts of Marriage Past
Holidays and Marriage
Save The Marriage System

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“In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it,” Claire wrote.

I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)

Here is what happened:  Claire wanted to save her marriage.  Her husband thought it was over.  Claire convinced him to go to therapy.  But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it.

Claire was shocked.  No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible.  Just a declaration that the marriage was over… not from her husband, but from the therapist!

I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story… but I have heard it over and over.  Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first?

Let’s talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy… and what to do about them.

RELATED RESOURCES
Can Therapy Help?
The Dangers of Marital Therapy
Myths of Marital Therapy
What Your Therapist Won’t Tell You
Am I Against Therapy?
How To Start
System To Save Your Marriage
CLICK TO EMAIL A QUESTION

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