January 2025

Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!

But what about relationship fears?  Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?

Yep, we all have them.  2 basic fears.  And those 2 fears?  They pull against each other.  One can trigger the other in couples.  We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other.  And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse.

Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other.

Those two fears?

• Fear of Intimacy
• Fear of Abandonment

Let’s talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES
Fears That Get In Your Way
Importance of Connection
3 Simple Step Book
Save The Marriage System

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Games should be fun.  But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun.

These are patterns of interaction and communication.

The design is to get a need met.  But behind it is a dysfunction.  It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects.  It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs.  It may be a false expectation of how things should be.  But somewhere is a false belief.

And that false belief — along with the effort to fulfill that belief — is what leads to the (destructive) game.

Are you playing one of these games?

RELATED RESOURCES
You Need To Show UP!
Connection Matters
Save The Marriage System

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Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance?  Hot or cold?

Are they really that different?  Or is it all a part of the same process?  And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?

During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each.  In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen.

In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me.  Both refused to listen to the other.

The underlying issues were the same.  The emotional temperature was different.  Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level.  And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting.

What is the difference between the heat and the cold?  How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage?  Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process?  The same path?

We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Why Connection Matters
Changing Yourself
Learning About Anger
Grab the Save The Marriage System

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Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!”  Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault.  Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that.  People search about that on my blog.  People write me to ask that same question.  Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem?  Did you cause the problem?  Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault.  They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives.  One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame.  The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective.  Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question:  “Am I the Problem?”

RELATED RESOURCES
Showing Up
Blame & Shame
Ruining Today with Yesterday
How To NOT Save Your Marriage
How TO Save Your Marriage — System

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