I Am Sore and Tired (And What That Has To Do With Saving Your Marriage!)

• April 14, 2010
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• 1 comment

I admit it!  I am tired.  I am sore.  I have discovered muscles I didn’t know I had, and ones I didn’t know could hurt!

Here’s the thing:  for years, I have been a trail runner.  I love being in the woods, seeing the changing seasons, and running with my Yellow Lab, Sunny.  We have  a blast!

But then, winter hit.  It was cold, but worse, it was wet — very wet!  And it never stayed cold enough to freeze the ground.  And it seemed that on every running day, it rained.  Well, as much as I love running, I am not so fond of bathing my 110 pound dog. . . and he is not so fond of being bathed!

End result?  I kept putting off another run. . . until suddenly a few months had passed and I had not hit the trails.  The end result for me?  I got out of shape.

So, fast-forward to last week.  I decided enough was enough, and I started exercising again.  I got a plan, and I started on it.  I knew there would be a price. . . pain and discomfort.  Sure enough, the next morning after day one, I was a bit sore.  By that night, I hurt! 

But guess what I did on day 2?  I exercised.  Day 3?  New muscle pain.  I exercised.  Day 4, I had to get up an hour earlier to get in my exercise, but I did.  Same thing on day 5, 6, and 7.  In fact, that is my intention.  To get up an hour earlier, if necessary, and get in my exercise time.

I have to admit — when the alarm goes off, I have to argue with myself.  The bed is warm, the house is quiet, and I could easily grab another hour of sleep. . . but I don’t.  Because I made a commitment to myself, and I intend on keeping it.  As my wife reminds me, “consult your plan, not your feelings.”

So. . . what, you might wonder, does this have to do with your marriage (and saving it)?

Most people who come to me have not taken the best care of their marriage relationship.  Perhaps life got in the way — or fear, or anxiety, or anger, or just not realizing you needed to.

The marriage got “flabby,” out of shape, inflexible, and weak.  Sound familiar?

So, you decide to get that marriage back into shape.  Guess what?  It is not going to be easy.  You will feel pain in places you didn’t know you had.  You will discover things about yourself, your spouse, and your relationship, that you never knew before.

Oh, and did I say that after a week of exercising, I am not yet in peak shape?  I know — I looked in the mirror!  Frustrating as it may be, once you get out of shape, it takes both effort and time (in fact, sustained effort over time) to get to where you want to be).

Same is true for your relationship.  It takes time and effort.  It means refusing to get discouraged.  It requires you to make a plan, then stick with it, regardless of how you are feeling!  Remember, “consult your plan, not your feelings.”

When it doesn’t feel like you are making headway.  When another obstacle gets in your way.  When you just can’t quite get there.  That is when you dig in, keep getting up, and keep moving forward.

So, to quickly recap:

1)  This ain’t easy work.

2)  But make a plan.

3)  Stick with it:  “Consult your plan, not your feelings.”

4)  Reap the benefits.

Now, a reality check:  sometimes, people get so out of shape — let their bodies get to such a point of disrepair — that exercise can be deadly.

Unfortunately, that is sometimes true in a marriage.  Sometimes, the relationship has deteriorated too far.  The damage is too great.  The marriage might finally heave a final breath.  The marriage might end.

Problem is, you can never tell whether this is the case or not.  Some people who look like they are on the verge of death begin exercising and come back to life.  The same is true for marriages.

How can you tell?  Try getting your relationship back to life.  The worst thing that happens is you look in the mirror and say “I did my best.”  But the best thing that could happen?  You could save your marriage!