Marriage In Trouble: What To Do About Valentine’s Day!

• February 12, 2013
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• 2 comments

When your relationship is in trouble, those dreaded days keep rolling around:  holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.  And the smack-daddy of them all is coming quickly:  Valentine’s Day!  THE day devoted to romance — even if romance is a distant memory in your relationship.

Even anniversaries usually create less anxiety.  You can always give a card.  But Valentine’s Day — is it your chance to win back your love, or duck-and-hide?

Let me suggest that neither strategy is a winning one.

Here is the problem:  ignoring the whole holiday only reinforces the feeling that you do not care; acting on the holiday reinforces the belief you “just don’t get it.”  I know, because I hear both responses.  It can feel like a “catch-22.”  Be accused of once again ignoring the relationship, or be accused of being clueless.

Let’s be clear, this is not one of those dates you can hope your spouse doesn’t remember.  The cards, candy and gifts came out sometime around December 26.  At best, January 2.  Red and pink, roses and balloons, are unavoidable.  Commercials and come-ons are everywhere.  So, no, you cannot avoid it.

Even if you and/or your spouse have made jokes about the “Hallmark-created” holiday, there is still that tiny romantic piece of everyone that knows the holiday is coming.  You may not like the way it is celebrated.  But it is still celebrated.  And whether your relationship is healthy or on the rocks, the date is noticed — as well as your response.

And in many situations, your spouse is half-watching to see what you WILL do.  So, let’s just agree that doing nothing is a losing strategy. . . unless your spouse said “you had better not do anything for Valentine’s Day.”  If your spouse says that, you do have your marching orders.  Otherwise, stick with me.

As you may already know I have my concerns about romance as the basis for marriage.  But to remind you, it is not that I am opposed to romance.  Only that romance is not the LEAD feeling of marriage.  It is the after-effect of connection.  And connection is the fuel of any marriage.

Here is the conundrum:  you want to make a connection, and culture has taught us that you must “romance” someone to get to that connection.  You have to make that chemistry click.  But your spouse may not be wanting to have that romantic gesture.  But your spouse DOES want connection.

How do I know?  Because we ALL want that connection.  It is biologically wired in us.  That connection may feel awkward between the two of you, but that does not negate the desire for a connection.  (Thus the fuel for many affairs!)

Which brings us to my point:  it is important to mark Valentine’s Day, BUT it should not be the goal to win back your spouse.  No grand gestures or fantasies of sweeping him/her off his/her feet and back into your arms.  Probably not gonna happen.  And it is more likely to backfire and cause more distance (contrary to those fantasies).

The opportunity is there, though, to build a little bridge of connection.  Capitalize on that.  Don’t fall for the romantic piece, but for the connection piece.  Some candy or flowers and a nice card would suffice.  The card should focus, not on romance, but on connection.  Read the card and look for one that speaks to being connected.  Ignore the sexual innuendos and double meanings.  Drop the overly sentimental and sappy.

Definitely steer clear of those cards dripping with romantic notes and pictures.  Definitely side-step the sexualized romance in many cards.

Instead, look for one that tells your spouse that you treasure the connection and the time you have shared.  If you can’t find that card, then get a fairly blank one and write it.  What you want your spouse to know is that he/she is still in your heart, even when those romantic feelings are missing.

You can always express your gratitude for the years of love you have shared.  (In fact, feel free to borrow that:  “I am so grateful for the years of love we have shared.”

NO “looking forward to many more/looking forward to future romance.”

Your expression is about the love and connection you have shared.  You can share a (not overly romantic) memory from your relationship — a time you two stood together, connected, working as a team.

To repeat myself:  a simple card that expresses gratitude for the years of love you have already shared, with or without a token of love.  NOT 6 dozen (or even 3 dozen) roses.  But how about an arrangement of flowers she loves, his favorite candy, or something small that shows you really do get them.

Do remember:  there are two good things about Valentine’s Day when your marriage is in trouble:  February 15 will arrive, and dark chocolate is good for you!  Grab a piece, make your connection, then wait out the day.