The Promise Is To Love, Not To Be In Love

• July 3, 2006
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• no comments

OK, every now and then, I write in response to people who email me. It is usually after I hear the same question over and over in a short amount of time. Today is one of those days. In fact, just this morning, I heard from someone with whom I have offered consultation. She stated that her husband’s feelings had changed for her, and she knew that meant that she needed to move on.

I strongly disagreed with her perspective. This idea that “I am not in love with you anymore” means the marriage is over, is one of the most destructive myths of marriage. It is inaccurate and unfair to reality.

You see, when most people marry, they promise to love and cherish each other. Unless they did a major re-write of their marriage vows, they did not promise to be “in love” with each other the rest of their lives. But then, when the feeling isn’t there, that is the promise they seem to fall back on.

Love is an action verb. That is what the promise is about. In essence, the vow is “I promise to act in loving ways toward you and to treat you as something I cherish, I treat you as a treasure.” Now that captures the essence of marriage!

Emotions and feelings come and go, sometimes completely out of our control. But the choice, the promise to act loving, that is a different matter. I can make a conscious choice to act loving, even if I don’t have feelings prompting me. When people begin to orient their marriage around being loving and treasuring the other, as a conscious choice, the feelings of being in love will follow.

My guess is that the divorce rate would drop drastically if we could change that one single myth. Marriage is about choosing to love someone, not being blown around by fickle emotions.

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