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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Save The Marriage Rule #9: Two Important Feelings
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Susan and Michael were sitting at the opposite sides of my couch, about as far apart as the arms of the couch would allow.  Each was a mirror of the other, arms and legs crossed tightly, feet bouncing nervously/angrily.  Each was looking toward the opposite direction.

It was one chilly moment!  I sat for a few moments, hoping one or the other would thaw the situation with a little verbal communication.  None was forthcoming.

I asked, “so, what brings you here?”

Silence.

I suggested, “therapy is tough when done in silence.”  (Ah, how astute I am!)

Silence.

I noted, “you both made the effort to be here.  Perhaps we could use the time in some way that would be helpful?”  (50 minutes of silence is a LONG time!  Trust me on that.)

Silence.

I was pondering what might actually get us somewhere when Susan said “he doesn’t love me.  He never has.  I have had enough rejection!”

Anger flashed across Michael’s face, and he responded “Rejected!?!  You reject me on a daily basis!  Every day, you show me you neither want me around nor need me!”

Susan quickly retorted “I feel the same way!”

I asked, “Michael, is that accurate?  Is Susan right that you don’t love her, that you want nothing to do with her?”

He spit back “Of course not!  I love Susan with all of my heart, but she is breaking it!”

“Susan,” I asked, “is Michael correct, that you don’t want or need him?”

“No,” said Susan, “but after so many times of being rejected, you finally stop trying!  I have learned to get along alone.”

How sad, I thought.  Both claim to love the other.  And neither feels it from the other.

But they had nailed the symptoms:  
1)  Feeling unwanted.
2)  Feeling unaccepted.

In the next few sessions, I helped Susan and Michael understand how important it is to get a spouse to feel those emotions.  Notice, I said “feel.”

If the emotions are there, but not felt, problems still arise.

What I mean is, even if you want your spouse and you accept your spouse, if he or she does not experience that, it is for nothing.

When I say “want,” I mean that in every sense:
“I want you physically.”
“I want you in my life.”
“I want to share my world with you.”

The opposite is to feel either unwanted or needed.  When someone feels unwanted, the rejection leads to a process of defensive disconnection.  It is simply too painful to feel that level of connection.

To feel needed creates a sense that the other person is needy, and not an equal.  It also raises the question of whether someone is wanted or simply needed.  That creates an equally yucky (not a clinical term) experience.

As important is the feeling of acceptance.  We all have a deep need to be accepted, to have someone love us as we are, in spite of our shortcomings.
“I accept you as you are.”
“I accept you as a growing, changing human being.”
“I accept you are not perfect, and neither am I.”

When someone is trying to get someone else to change, the sense of being accepted quickly vanishes.

Countless times, I have heard comments like:
“If he wasn’t so lazy, maybe he’d have a better job.”
“I am just trying to help my spouse be more stylish.”
“I am only saying that for their own good.”
. . . and many, many other ways of saying “my spouse is not acceptable.”

So, take a few moments and ask:
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel unwanted?”
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel needed?”
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel unaccepted?”

Work on changing those behaviors.

But then go to the next step.  Commit to making sure that your spouse feels wanted and accepted.

Then refuse to get sucked in to responding in kind, when you feel unwanted/needed or unaccepted.  Don’t decide to match how you perceive your spouse is acting.  Instead, act the way you know you should.

Oh, Michael and Susan?  They quickly discovered that both deeply loved the other.  Once they could talk about how they wanted each other, and showed acceptance, they discovered a depth of marriage they had never had before!

Powerful emotions, when we feel wanted and accepted.  Do that for your spouse!

Ready to get out of the viscious cycle?  CLICK HERE to discover how to transform your marriage!

Marriage Saving Rule #8: Stop the Arguing and Bickering
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Sometimes, I have someone contact me, or even have the couple in my office, telling me how desperate they are to save their marriage — but when I watch them, I am at a loss for why they would want to.

They constantly argue and bicker.  One says up, the other says down.  One says “blue,” the other claims it is “green.”

I often interrupt and ask, “is this how things are between the two of you?”

Often, they will pause in mid-spar, change their tone and say “yes, this is how it is.”

I can only wonder why they even want to work on things.  It just looks so painful.

And so unnecessary.

And utterly ridiculous.

And absolutely avoidable.

OK, not entirely avoidable, but probably 80 to 90% avoidable.

Every couple is going to have disagreements.  But at least make sure they are about something meaningful!  Make it worthwhile when you do have the arguments.

Otherwise, you are only eating away at your relationship (and the emotional health of each of you, and the children).

Study after study has shown that conflicted households lead to an array of problems, both physical and emotional.  And not just for the ones doing the arguing.  Other family members are also affected.

Sometimes, more so, as they have NO control over the situation.

And the conflict eats away at the relationship, eroding all positive feelings over time.

For the most part, arguing and bickering becomes just another habit for many couples.  In fact, many couples have said, “if we don’t argue, there will be no conversation.”

Really?  That is the choice?  Arguments or silence?

I have watched enough couples to know that is not the case.  Just the effect of letting conflict become a) habit and b) the norm.

Habits can be changed.  It does take time, effort, and knowledge.

So, let’s get started!

What to do:

1)  Marriage researcher, John Gottman, has noted the “Golden Ratio.”  He found that for a relationship to stay positive and move forward, the ratio of positive to negative interactions should be 5 to 1.  That means for every negative interaction, there needs to be 5 positive ones.

Examine your relationship, and take action if you think you do not meet that minimum ratio.  Remember, the more positive interactions versus negative, the better.

2)  Recognize arguments for what they are, worthless interactions (except those 10 to 20% that are about something important).

Arguments, in my definition, are “two people with two opinions, attempting to change the other person’s opinion, but unwilling to consider changing their own.”

In other words, even if it is about something important, we are generally unwilling to consider the other person’s opinion, anyway.  That means that even those important issues rarely shift.

We live in denial that someone is going to change their opinion, even when we are unwilling to make a change.

A friend of mine told me that really listening meant you had to listen so intently that you are willing to consider changing your mind.  Good advice that few of us follow.

3)  Note that arguments are often a symptom of power struggles in the relationship.  They point to yet another place where we are not on a team.

I don’t mean a heated discussion.  That can be all about working together.

But when you keep having the same argument over and over, take it as a sign you are working on a You/Me level, not a WE level.

4)  Conflict is also a symptom of disconnect.  When one, the other, or both feel disconnected, the pain of that leads to frustration.  Frustration leads to a build-up of negativity.

Negativity then leaks out as conflict and bickering — often about unrelated issues!

I hear the story on a regular basis:  one feels neglected, ignored, rejected, discounted, etc., by their spouse.  It begins to boil within, and then out comes the verbal jabs, the useless arguments, the hurtful words.  They are not about what is being said, but about the feeling of disconnection.

Reconnecting often causes the arguing to retreat.  Unfortunately, when you are arguing, you likely don’t feel like connecting.

Solution:  decide to reach out, anyway.  Decide to take a risk and reach across the anger.  You may be surprised to find someone feeling equally disconnected, but wanting to connect.

5)  And probably the most important one:  Seek to understand.

This is the antithesis of an argument.  Arguments are held as “Let me tell you the RIGHT way of seeing this.”

But seeking to understand assumes there is not just one way of viewing something.  There can be a number of ways and angles.

We all have a certain “paradigm,” a way of seeing the world, that colors our opinion.  Therefore, we are bound to see things differently.  Not necessarily right/wrong, but differently.

And this is not about agreeing with the other person.  It is about understanding where he/she is coming from.

I can more easily understand someone and how they view the world than to necessarily agree with someone.

And often, what we most crave is really to just be understood.  Not necessarily having someone agree.  But knowing we are understood.

Ready to stop the arguing, start the connecting?  CLICK HERE

Save Your Marriage Rule #7: Avoid Power Struggles
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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When I was a boy, I went off to summer camp in the mountains of Virginia.  My Mom would tell you I was not ready for summer camp and didn’t like it.

She would be, for the most part, correct.  Her reason would vary from mine, though.

My reason:  mid-week, in the middle of the night, one of my counselors is yelling to the other counselor who was sleeping in his tent with his boombox (yes, that long ago) turned up.  Finally, we boys ran out to check and see what was up, only to be told to freeze in our tracks.

Turns out the one counselor found himself trapped on the trail by a rattlesnake.  The snake wouldn’t move and the counselor couldn’t go a different way (did I tell you the camp was, well, rustic?).

We went to the tent and got the other counselor, and then were sent back to our tents to “sleep.”  We all had heard the rattling.  And we all knew that rattler had friends.  They had to be out there, somewhere!

In the morning, after we hiked down for breakfast, we got to go to the ranger station to visit our new “friend.”  In retrospect, he was probably 3 or 4 feet long, but I would have sworn him to be 10 feet long back then.

The rattler was not happy to be captive in a chicken-wire cage.  But we all enjoyed his ill-fortune.  I would step toward him, and watch him go from watchful to threatening.  His rattle would pop up.  The closer you got, the louder the sound.  Step away, he calmed down.

Step closer, he got riled up.

Step away, he calmed down.

What fun for a 12 year old!

And step very close, the snake would strike at you, hitting his nose on the chicken wire.  That nose was raw in no time.

In retrospect, I feel kinda sorry for the snake.  But back then, it was just good fun to rile him up.

And now I realize that the snake wasn’t even really angry.  Snakes are not capable of that emotion.  Threatened is what he felt.

Step close, threat was real.  Step away, threat was gone.

How, you might ask, does this possibly relate to marriage?

That same piece of brain that the snake has that reacts to threat, I have it in my head too.  And so do you.

Our brain is designed to alert us to danger.  Not just alert us, bu put our body on alert, ready for attack.

That piece of the brain is the deepest part of our brain, poetically named the “reptillian brain” or “r-complex.”

The reptillian brain is really only designed to keep us alive.  It is not social, does not care about collateral damage, and is set with a hair-pin trigger.

It takes nothing to set it off, and then takes its time calming down.  Think of the last time you were startled.  You feel the hit of adrenaline, and may still feel it 20 minutes later — even though the event that caused the reaction may have only been a few seconds (or less) in duration.

You have that piece in your head, and so does your spouse.  And that is where the trouble begin.  Two lizards, looking at each other, waiting for some possibility of a threat.

Head tilt, hands on hips, tone in voice, word choice.  It takes very little to get that part of th brain to put our systems on alert.  And when our systems go on alert, we get caught in the fight/flight/freeze response that you have probably heard of.

Problem is, there may not be a threat.  It may mean nothing.  Yet we respond as if it is.

Which brings us to power struggles.  We struggle for power so that we do not lose power.

I cannot tell you how many people have reported that they have no power, that the other person is in control — and I hear it from both, simultaneously.  Someone has to be in control, right?

But we are talking about perception, not reality.

Both perceive they are losing power and act to get it back.  And that starts off the power struggle.

You have been there, so I don’t really need to identify for you the places you and your spouse get caught in the struggle.  I will let you identify that for yourself.

But what do you do?

First, accept that part of you is in there.  Accept that there is that piece of your brain that is caught by the sense of threat.  Understand it is perception and not reality.

Second, affirm that you want to live as a WE, as a team.  You want to be connected.

Third, seek to always understand where your spouse is coming from (and don’t listen to the lizard that whispers “why doesn’t my spouse have to understand me?”  Lizards pretend to be about fairness.  But really, they want to win!). In the midst of talking, ask “can you help me understand how you see it that way?”  Ask politely.  Don’t make it a sarcastic statement.  Be sincere.

Fourth, recognize that a power struggle will not get either of you any closer to your goals.  So decide to work together.  Decide to join together to make it through life in better ways than either of you could do alone.

Fifth, be sympathetic that your spouse may still want to struggle.  We are raised on that!  It can take a while for the brain to re-wire away from it.  Give it time.  Be patient with your spouse, and with yourself!

Finally, power struggles are symptoms that point to places where you are still playig “you/me,” and not “WE.”  Use it to identify the areas where you can grow and develop the relationship.

If you are ready to stop the power struggles, grab the Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.

Sand Castles and Transitions
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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My daughter and I were building a sandcastle on the beach.  That would be a very typical scene in my life.  I always liked the feel of the sand, the ability to shape it into a castle, and ultimately watching the tide reclaim the sand.

That day, my daughter was about 4 years old.  She is 18 now.  My father was sitting with us.  I told my Dad, “this is a lesson in the impermanence of life.  You build.  It falls.  You build again.”

I was a chaplain at a hospital then.  I had seen many lessons in the impermanence of life.  Life was hellos and goodbyes.  I watched people come into this world and watched people leave this world.  I watched many leave the hospital, some recovered and some with their lives changed forever.

Change really is a central part of life, as much as we fight it, as much as we resist.  Change still sneaks in.  Life continues to move forward.

A few years later, I was in the kitchen, having just earned my SCUBA certification.  I commented to my wife, “I need to find a dive buddy.”  My darling 8 year-old daughter looked up in all earnestness and said “Daddy, you don’t have to look.  I’ll be your dive buddy.”

True to her word, 2 years later, as soon as she could, she got certified.  She has always been my little girl.

Which brings us to now.  For the first two days of this week, I spent it at college orientation for my daughter.  It is hard to believe we are just a couple of months from her launching into a whole new chapter in her life!

For 18 years, I have sought to protect her from harm.  Now, I have to send her into the world, to find her own way.  That takes some recalculations on my part.

Life keeps moving forward.

We can either embrace the changes or fight them.  Either way, the changes will come.

So what do we do when the transitions come our way?

First, we can acknowledge that grief is part of the process.  Even if it is a movement to something far greater, when we leave something behind, we feel the grief.

My daughter will be changing her status in our family.  She will be no less my daughter, but she will be adding on the fact that she steers her ship now.  She is the captain.

Second, we can either see it as a challenge — a learning experience, or we can see it as a crisis.

In reality, every experience and transition has something to teach us.  But only when we are ready to learn.  The nice thing is that if we are not quite ready, the lesson will wait.  But it will insist on being learned.

Third, we wait for the “new normal.”  It takes a little time to find our equilibrium.  Sometimes, we keep thinking that something must be wrong.

If we wait it out, we find what is on the other side.  We discover that normal returns.  It is a “new normal,” but it does become comfortable.

It’s like that new pair of shoes.  It rubs in all the wrong spots.  Until it molds and stretches to our unique foot.  Then it fits.  It starts feeling right.

Transitions make us uncomfortable, unless we wait them out and discover what is on the other side!

I could not be more proud of my daughter, and she could not be more ready to jump into this big world.

And I will get used to the new reality.

It just may take a little while!

Rule #6 To Save Your Marriage: Give Up on “What Should Be”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What should a marriage be?  What should your spouse be like?  How should he/she treat you?  What should you have done to save your marriage?

Do you hear those questions float around in your heads?  They are all useless.

“Should” is a very dangerous world.  It is based in wishful thinking that never happens.

“I should go to the gym” is very different than “I am going to the gym.”  “I shouldn’t eat that dessert” is a far cry from “I am not going to eat that.”

Should and shouldn’t — useless.  Don’t use them.  Ever.  You really shouldn’t.  🙂

Why is it these words are so useless?  Because they are based in a part of the mind that is not convinced of any change.  It is a reflection of some thought in your mind that is not really even yours — something you should do.  It is external to what you will do.

Where does your idea of what a marriage “should” be come from?  It is not based on what your marriage is, so it is not based in reality.  It may be based on what you see or saw in your parents or grandparents, with friends, in a book, on a movie, or anywhere else.

But it is not based on what “is.”  Nor is it likely to be based on what is coming.

“We should have a better marriage” is not an action plan.  It is simply wishful thinking.  You may either hope for that, or chastise yourself and your spouse for not having it.  But it is not moving you toward it.

That does not mean that I think things cannot change. Quite the opposite.  I deeply believe in the capacity for change, growth and transformation.

It is just that people and situations will not change based on “should.”

In my office, on a daily basis, I hear the word “should” over and over.  “I should. . .” and “we should. . .” echo throughout the day.  Sometimes, I just count how many times I hear it.  Sometimes, I ask the person to restate it as “I will. . .” or “we will. . . .”  Interestingly, many people who say “should” are unable to say “will.”

“Will” is based in exactly that, our “will.”  It is based in action and direction.  It puts us on the hook.  We either have to act, or we have to admit we did not.  “Should” keeps us off the hook, even if the answer is “right.”

Is that voice in your head asking “so what should I do instead?”  See?  That word is so sneaky.

Let’s change it: “What could I do instead?”

I LOVE that change!  “Could” and “can” have potential.  Especially when followed with “this is what I will do.”

So let’s start with what “is.”

Where is your relationship right now?  Where are you starting from?  Be specific.  Accept that where you are is where you begin.

Think of it as the “present perfect.”  No, not a grammar lesson.  But a truth about life.  The present is perfect.

Not perfect, as in “without blemish,” but perfect in the sense that it exactly reflects the actions and circumstances that get us to here.  The present is a perfect reflection of where we have been.

Good and bad, it is a match of where we are.  That includes our relationship.  A marriage, at this instant, is a perfect reflection of all that has happened up until now.

If we ignore our spouse, it is strange to be surprised that our hurt and disconnected spouse reacts to that.

If we work to stay connected to each other, then a relationship that reflects connection and commitment is where we find ourselves.  The present reflects the path that got us to here.

Don’t like where you are?  Change the path!

Is your marriage disconnected?  Is your relationship conflicted?  Is your marriage out of balance?

Assess your role in this.  What have you done to contribute to the current situation?

If you say “nothing,” you have either married a sociopath, or you are ducking responsibility.  Oh, and if you answer “I married a sociopath,” then I have to ask, aren’t you responsible for doing that?

So, let me ask again, so you can reflect, what is your responsibility in where your relationship is now?

Accept that has been a part of what has gotten the relationship to where it is.  Not the whole.  There are two in this.

Another hard one to accept:  you have capacity to change only one part of the equation — you.  No need to start with “yes, but my spouse ______.”  That is especially true if the sentence continues with “my spouse should _________.”

Now, for a moment, imagine what your marriage could be about.  Not what it should be, but what it could be.  Similar, but not the same.  You see, could has potential.

Imagine that, and let’s start building toward that.

If you can’t figure out what it could be, please grab my Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.

Rule 5: Accept that You and Your Spouse See Things Differently
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Perspective. An important word. Your perspective is the position from which you view the world.

You formed your perspective over a lifetime. It starts with your genetic makeup, then your gender shapes it. Then your family experience shapes the foundations. Then, every experience you have in life either confirms or changes your perceptions and your perspective.

Is it any wonder that you and your spouse are going to see things differently?

As I point out the obvious, let me also point out how often we forget that little fact: we see things completely different than anyone else in the world.

We all have an individual psychological reality — we all have a unique way of seeing and understanding the world around us and the meaning of events that unfold.

The fact that we see things differently is really not the issue. The problem comes when we forget this is the case. We stop realizing we are seeing things differently and think that we are seeing things “the way they are.”

And when a spouse sees things differently, we become convinced that they are not seeing things accurately. This often leads to one of two actions:
1) Trying to correct their “incorrect” view,
2) Wondering what is wrong with us.

First, there is a difference between “incorrect” and “inaccurate.” We all have inaccurate views of reality. They may or may not be incorrect.

I perceive events from how they affect me. I view actions in their impact upon me. You do the same. So, we are going to arrive at very different views of the action.

More than that, we generally tell ourselves stories that put ourselves in the best light.

I will admit it, I like to be:
–the good guy,
–right,
–and consistent.
How about you? Do you want to be the same? I think most people do. So, when I do something that is not so nice, I am going to tell a story that excuses me. And I want to be right, so I am tempted to make sure the “evidence” backs me up. And I want to be consistent. So I look for ways that keep me thinking the same things about myself.

For example, if I believe myself honest and truthful, but then do something that is dishonest, I must find a way to justify that. Otherwise, I would have to change my self-perception. We humans don’t like to do that. We like to be consistent.

So what does this have to do with your marriage?

Simple. We most often forget that people see things differently when we are dealing with a spouse.

It is that assumption that “we are on the same page” that really gets us into trouble.

How many arguments are simply a reflection of a difference of viewpoint? Think of parenting differences. Sure, there are some “wrong” things that a parent could do. But there are far more that are simply differences of perspective and viewpoint.

Yet these differences can end up feeling like “right vs. wrong.” And that is where the problems arise. When we lose track of the fact that something is a difference of opinion, we label it a right versus wrong. And then the arguments deepen.

Or how about with money? For some, money means freedom. For others, money means security. Freedom is all about what money can do for enjoyment now: free to go out to dinner, free to go on vacation, free to buy clothes, etc. Security is all about preparing for uncertanties: insurance, retirement, investment, etc.

Both are correct. And both can be out of balance. And even if a couple both lean toward one end or the other, what is okay for being secure or for enjoying freedom can vary.

No surprise that couples often argue about parenting and finances. And when couples dig in that one person’s view is correct, and the other person’s view is wrong, the arguments are headed nowhere.

That does not mean that everything is alright. It does not mean that every parenting decision or financial decision is just a matter of perspective.

But that is true. It is a matter of perspective — even if the action is “dangerous.”

When couples are able to discuss what is behind the perspective, the couple has a chance of at least understanding each other. Not agreeing, but understanding.

Rule 5 may seem obvious, now that I mentionn it. But how often do you forget it? How often do you assume that either you see things just alike, or that you are seeing things correctly?

Both get us into trouble. Assume you are on the same page, and you will quickly see where you are not. You will quickly discover the many places where you are not just on different pages, but in different chapters.

Assume you are correct, and you a) miss how often your perceptions are limited and b) close yourself off to greater and better options.

As I noted in the first rule, marriage is about being a WE. But I also noted it is not about being in a “mind meld.” Two indivicuals, bringing together their perspectives, is much closer to “reality” than only one person’s views.

But only if you acknowledge this and decide you will learn from ach other, and you will seek to understand where your spouse is coming from.

Be open to the possibility that you and everyone else has a different view of reality.
Be open to the possibility that somoeone else’s perspective may actually be closer to reality.
Be willing to learn from the different viewpoint. You don’t have to agree to understand.
Be sure to explore why your spouse sees something differently. Remember, you are different people with different experiences. That guarantees the specifics of how you view the world will be different.

Why We Don’t Change (And What To Do About It!)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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A short break in the Top 10 Rules!

I was driving out of my neighborhood, headed to work today.  And I realized I was going a way I don’t usually go.  Or I should say “didn’t use to go.”

What happened?  How did I end up there?

Okay, so give me a second to explain.  There are 4 ways to exit my neighborhood from my house.  I always went with 2 of them.  Then, they decided to do some roadwork off the main road that encompassed two of the exits.  And when I say “roadwork,” I mean wet tar, wet oil, pieces of scrap metal, etc.  In other words, nothing I wanted to drive through!

So, I decided (note I said “decided”) to go another way.  The next day, I head off to the office.  And I find myself driving the old way.  I fussed at myself and turned around.  That afternoon, I automatically headed in the old way.  I fussed at myself again!

The next day, I very purposefully set out to go the new way. . . and started to turn the old way!  “What is up?” I asked myself.  I corrected, and went out the new way.  The next few days, I forced myself to remember to go the new way.

One day, I noticed I was headed out the new way, and hadn’t had to be so purposeful.  It was just the new way out.  And today, a month after the work ended (and therefore my original reason for changing), and I found myself headed out the “new” way (which is quickly becoming the old way!).

How many times do you hear people saying “that’s just not me”?  Often, it is about some change — new hairstyle, new clothes, etc.  Any change somehow challenges our perception of “me.”  Even if the challenge seems fairly innocuous, if not downright useless.

Yet we tend to stay in our routines, regardless of how useful that routine may be.  If our routine is to eat that snack just before bed, even as the scales are warning us about how the “me” is expanding, we are likely to keep on snacking.

Neuroscientists can tell us that the more we do something, the more the habit grows.  And as the habit grows, we create a “groove” in our neurology.  We connect our neurons to that certain habit.

The longer we do the habit, the deeper the groove.  The deeper the groove, the harder the habit is to break.  And the more we begin to see that habit as part of the “me.”

Which means that I discuss doing something different in their marriage.  I request they act differently toward a spouse, stop yelling, bring flowers, call to update, etc., etc., etc.  And the response I get is “I can’t do that.  I just can’t change.  That’s not me.”  Precisely, I think to myself.

But the “me” they are operating from is NOT working, and IS causing a problem in their marriage.  So why not try to change?

BECAUSE CHANGE IS HARD!

At least in the beginning.

Until the change becomes habit — becomes the new “ME.”

Which brings us to the important piece, “what to do about it!”  We all know change is hard.  But change is life, right?

So, let’s start with this:  if it ain’t working, time to change.  Let’s just agree to that.

If we can’t agree to that, then the rest is irrelevant.

Still with me?

Okay, so let’s first define what it is you need to change.  What do YOU (not your spouse, as you have no control over that) need to change in how you interact with your spouse?

Write that down.

Now ask yourself this:  “Is that really a core piece of myself?”  “Does it really define me as a person?”  “What if I do it differently.  Will I be an entirely different person, or will I just be interacting differently?”

Be clear about that.  How you interact is not who you are.  It is a habit of interaction.

Next step:  what is the better way to interact?

Why is it a better way?   Again, be clear about this.

Now, notice when you usually do the old way.  Imagine a time when you did just that, then reimagine it with the new way.

Next step:  assume you will not be perfect.  Remember my driving?  I kept leaving the old way.  But I stopped and corrected.

Same for you.  When you try the new way, if you find yourself starting down the old way, stop.  Apologize, and try it the different way.

Then keep on trying the new way.

One day, and in not as long as you think, the new way will be the old way.

Keep changing.  Keep evolving.  That is the nature of life.  It’s all about growing!

Ready to make a change in your marriage?  CLICK HERE.

Rule #4: Use Civility — Even When You Don’t Feel It!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Be civil to save your marriageI remember years ago hearing a Native American quote that we are all born with claws and fangs, but learn to use them as nails and teeth.

Unfortunately, it takes very little for the fangs and claws to reemerge, especially when there is a bit of tension (or a lot!).

When we feel threatened, we find some pretty primitive responses suddenly rush through us.  Fear gets us there.  It creates a very primitive response of fight-or-flight.

And when what is considered to be the most important relationship in our life feels threatened, that response erupts.

When there is disconnection in a relationship, and the conflict becomes entrenched, more and more your spouse becomes an intimate enemy.

We begin to respond in ways that don’t make sense to us in calmer moments.

In the midst of a fight, do you hear that voice watching yourself and thinking “why am I acting this way”?  That is the more civilized part of your brain being surprised by that ancient brain.

Oh, sure, we can justify and excuse ourselves, thinking “how else can I respond, given how my spouse is acting?”

But we know better.  We know we are acting beneath our higher selves. We find ourselves acting in immature, irrational, uncharacteristic ways.

Civility

A major step in saving your marriage is choosing to act civilly. Acting otherwise keeps the cycle going.

So what does civility mean here?

Kindness, respect, positive regard.  Not reacting with criticism, sarcasm, raised voices, veiled threats (or open threats), mocking tones, or demands.

Let me pause a moment and say, this is not about choking down your anger, not talking about problems, or avoiding conflict.

It is simply being kind and decent when you are working on tough things.  And it means being warm and engaging when you are in daily interactions.

Really, it is starting (or restarting) your relating with the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Notice it is not “Do unto others as they do to you.”  It is about treating another person in ways we want to be treated.

I am not starting with such goals as being cuddly and loving.  Instad, let’s draw a baseline at a much simpler spot.  It is just about treating the other person (your spouse) with respect.

Did a voice just pop up and say “respect?  I don’t respect him/her.”?

Let me just theorize that there is such a thing as unconditional respect.  This is a layer of respect that is showing respect by actions.  It is not tied to feeling respect.  Perhaps your spouse has done something that disrupts your feeling of respect (maybe even trampling it).

That is not what I am addressing here.  I am suggesting that we all have that choice on how we are going to act toward someone; how we will treat him or her.

Let’s make a choice, a decision, that going forward, we will treat our spouse with civility and respect.

It makes the other rules have far more traction!

Rule #3: The Feeling of Love Follows Loving Action
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Two people meet, fall in love, and feel the pitter-patter of their heartbeats forever.  They always have that love-sick look in their eyes, even when they are apart.  That is proof that they are the right people for each other.

Or at least Hollywood would have us believe it!

And that one myth is more destructive than almost any other about love and marriage in our culture.

Myth.  That doesn’t mean false.  Just that it does not represent fact.

Here is the truth:  the feeling of love, of being “in love” ebbs and flows through the course of a marriage lifetime.  Sometimes, the feeling is overwhelming.  Other times, it is, well, underwhelming.  Sometimes it is entirely absent.

That does NOT mean the wrong two people got together.  It does NOT mean the marriage is doomed for failure.  It does NOT mean there is no future path.

Think about that term, “madly in love.”  Madness is the same as crazy.  And those endorphin/hormonal/emotional rushes that come at the beginning of any relationship really is just that:  craziness.  In fact, fMRI scans, showing the brain activity, would show the same overactiveness in the brain of an infatuated couple as is seen in those that are insane.

Thank goodness that state equilizes and normalizes!  Otherwise, little would be done in this world by couples.  The single-mindedness of that early stage preempts much useful from happening.

Which is point 1 — that feeling of “crazy in love” is not sustainable.

But point 2 is that doesn’t mean romance of a relationship is gone forever.  Only that there is a shift underway which is widely misunderstood.  And when something is misunderstood, we usually mess things up by taking wrong actions.

So, point 3 is that the feeling of being in love is not dependent of acting in loving ways.  In fact, that is part of what creates the feeling.  Not the other way around.  We do not act in loving ways because we are “in love.”  We are “in love” because we act in loving ways.

Think about it for a moment:  isn’t that what happened in the beginning?  You feel some pull toward someone else.  You are attracted to them, “infatuated,” you might say.  So, you do loving things.  The other person is feeling the same way, and is acting in loving ways.  And there is a back-and-forth interplay of receiving the love, and then acting lovingly.

As that builds, infatuation fuels the love from not only being attracted to someone but getting to know them.

Here is where the story can go in one of two ways.

First, the road that destroys a relationship.  Life begins to creep in.  Perhaps those little idiosyncracies begin to drive you a bit crazy.  Perhaps the schedule doesn’t prioritize the relationship.

At some point, one — and then both, stop acting in loving ways.  They are wanting the love to be shown toward them, but don’t take the time to show it back.

The built-up warm feelings begin to cool.  The reserve is tapped out.

Then, one or both begin to feel unloved.  Feel unloved, and without making a conscious decision to do otherwise, you will stop acting lovingly.

The exact process that led you to fall “in love” is mirrored in the process to feeling disconnection and disdain.  The road up is mirrored by the road down.

Road two is a bit different.  The couple realizes that to maintain a connection, they must prioritize around maintaining the connection.  In order to feel loved, one must be loving.

And most important, there is a realization that the feeling of being “in love” is always (not sometimes, but ALWAYS) fueled by acting lovingly.

As has been said before, “love” is a verb.  “I love someone” is really “I will act lovingly toward someone.”

So why do 50% of the married population follow road 1?  I have come to believe that much of the reason is lack of understanding.  We have been raised on a constant diet of the romantic feeling of love.  We have not taken in the “feel love as a by-product of acting in loving ways.”

When the feeling is missing, we make the natural assumption that something is wrong.  We believe we must have either done something wrong or have the wrong person.

Let me pause just for a moment and tell you that there are times when the wrong two people do get together.  Sometimes, there are some very deep and clear moral divisions.  For example, one believes that an open marriage is fine, while the other believes in monogamy.  Or one person believes that criminal activity is acceptable, but the other believes in truth and honesty.

But too often, two people with too much in common and lots of shared history, one day realize they do not feel “in love,” and begin to believe that they have made the wrong decision.

And they take apart what could be a wonderful, loving marriage.  Mostly because they simply misunderstand what it takes.

Back to our two paths.  Let’s assume that the couple from road 2 keeps on keeping their relationship as a priority.  They treat each other with respect, and act lovingly.  They can continue on that path for a lifetime together.

But more likely for you being on this site, you are not on road 2, but on the first road.  This road is full of people stuck, people feeling hurt, rejected, and hopeless.  Couples on this road move to less helpful and more destructive patterns.

The more unloved we feel, the less loving we become, left to our own devices. Spin that through a couple of cycles, and the relationship can feel hopeless, the couple helpless to stop the process.

But here is the amazing thing:  you can CHOOSE to act lovingly at any moment in time. You can make a conscious decision to stop acting in “less than loving,” if not downright destructive ways, at any time.

In his book, Success Principles, Jack Canfield makes the observation that there is a great equation that can help us all:  E + R = O

The equation says that Event + Response = Outcome.  We often forget the R, our response.  Society often makes us feel that Event = Outcome.  When something happens to us, it creates the outcome.

What Jack is telling us is this:  we ALWAYS have a choice in how we will respond to any Event.  Fact is, there is always a response.  Sometimes we pretend that there is no other possible response.  But there is.

One of my favorite authors, Victor Frankl, states that “Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”  He continues that “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Powerful words from a man that survived the worst that a Nazi concentration camp could throw at him.

How much less to choose to act lovingly toward our spouse, regardless of what comes our way — regardless of how our spouse chooses to treat us.

Remember, your spouse is acting in a way that reflects what he/she believes is true about YOUR actions.  What if both of you are acting in “less-than-loving” ways, justifying it because of the lack of love on the part of your spouse?

That feeling of love becomes strangled by the lack of acting lovingly.

So now it becomes a choice.  You can ALWAYS choose to act lovingly.  Make that choice, starting NOW!

Are you ready to take action — positive action?  CLICK HERE to learn a step-by-step guide to rebuilding your marriage.

Rule #2: Never Try to Convince, Beg or Plead
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Rule 2 for saving your marriageYou find yourself in a marriage crisis.  Perhaps your spouse just told you about how unhappy, dissatisfied, disappointed, frustrated, or angry he or she is.  Perhaps your spouse talked about separation or divorce

Your first reaction is likely shock.  You feel that gut-wrenching grab in your stomach, the cold sweat of fear gripping you.  The floor can seem to fall out from under you.

If you are like most people, your initial response is to try to convince your spouse that he/she is wrong.  You beg and plead for an opportunity to change.  For an opportunity to do something different.

You are hoping that your spouse’s mind can be changed.

Reality check:  the reaction of convincing, begging, and pleading sets the stage for an even deeper crisis.  In other words, your initial response may do more to push the marriage into crisis than your spouse was even feeling!

But that doesn’t mean that the marriage has no chance. Or that there is nothing you can do.  Only that your initial reaction may cause more problems.

You want to be opening possibilities, not deepening the crisis and closing doors, right?

So let’s just admit that those reactions are based in fear.  Fear is primitive, and not the best point of reaction.

There are several reasons why this can be counterproductive.

First, you will likely end up reenforcing the beliefs your spouse already has.  The reactions of begging and pleading only make you look needy and unreasonable.  If your spouse has any feeling that he/she is not getting his/her needs met, this reaction will create an immediate thought of “see, this is just what I am talking about.”

Second, if your spouse feels unheard, misunderstood, or ignored, then as you are trying to “convince” him/her, all that will be felt is you being more dismissive of his or her feelings.  You may think you are speaking logically, but it will be heard as you being dismissive.

Third, there is a psychological term that you need to understand:  “psychological reactance.”  This term refers to the fact that all of us, when we feel pushed, pulled, cajoled, etc., will tend to do the exact opposite, even if we agree with direction to which we are being pushed or pulled.

If someone throws us a rope and pulls, we will pull back. We truly are “stubborn as a mule!”

So, don’t give more to push against.

Okay, so we have established that the begging, pleading, and convincing will not convince, but will only firm the beliefs you really want to change.

So how do you respond?

First, let’s talk about some “don’ts.”

DO NOT try to use “reverse psychology.”  This is the type of communication that many resources on the internet suggest.

Reverse Psychology may work on your 5 year old: “don’t you dare drink that milk!  You do NOT want to get strong!”  But it will NOT work on an adult.

It may surprise your spouse, and just for a moment, confuse them.  But then they will be onto you.  And you will lose even more credibility.

By the time your spouse tells you there is a problem, he or she has been thinking about it for awhile.  The various scenarios have been painted.  It may be news to you, but it is not to your spouse.

Whatever reverse psychology you might use, it will do one of 2 things:

  • lead your spouse to think you agree (when you do not),
  • lead your spouse to think you are not taking it seriously (when you do).

So, no reverse psychology!

Also, don’t get caught up in believing you need to fix everything in one conversation, either right after your spouse “drops the bomb” or any other time.  Marriages are not saved or destroyed in a single conversation.

We all are great script writers.  We are worthy of Oscars.  The only problem is, we are all writing the scripts, but no one else is following OUR script!  They are following (or trying to follow) the one in their own head.

While you are rehearsing that conversation and how it will go, realize it won’t go that way, so don’t place all your hopes on that one convincing, transforming conversation.

  • Don’t try to initiate a big relationship talk.  This is not the time to delve into your issues, hashing them out, and hoping for resolution.  Remember:  psychological reactance.  Also remember that the more we talk about our beliefs, the more deeply we believe them.

The more your spouse repeats his/her feelings of unhappiness and belief that the marriage is doomed, the more deeply he/she will come to believe it.

  • Don’t dodge your spouse’s relationship conversations.  Just don’t initiate them or perpetuate them.  Listen.  Don’t correct.  Listen.  Don’t argue.  Listen.  Actively listen.  Ask questions, clarify to make sure your spouse feels heard and that you understand (not agree, just understand what he/she is saying).

If you can’t beg and plead, and you can’t pretend to agree, what can you do?

Gather your courage.  And remind yourself that courage is not the absence of fear, but acting in spite of fear.

Thank your spouse for being honest and sharing.

Be very clear that it probably took a great deal of energy for your spouse to even speak.  This is true, even if you do not agree with what your spouse said.  It still took energy.  It was a risk.  Honor that, even if you don’t like what was said.

For example, “Wow!  That must have been hard to say!  That is hard to hear, but I am sure it was harder to say.”

Accept that what he or she said is what he or she feels (at least right now).

For example, “I think I understand how you are feeling.  Is this right? (then repeat what you think you heard)”

It is important to check to make sure you understood.  I have heard from many people that assume they are headed for divorce, when in reality, the spouse just needed the relationship to change.

You can also verbalize that you are a bit surprised (if you are), and that you do not feel the same way, but certainly understand that is how he/she feels.

Also, you can state how sad you are that there is so much disconnection that you were unaware (if you were unaware).  If you were aware of the disconnect, you can say it:  “I have been feeling disconnected, too.  I am so sad we are at this place.”

Be careful.  This is not the time to problem-solve.  No suggestions of how to fix the problem.  At this point, you want to hear your spouse, let him/her know you listened, that you know it was hard to say, and a statement of your own sadness.

There is time for rebuilding in the days to come.

Ready to get started rebuilding?  CLICK HERE  to grab the Save The Marriage System.