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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

What’s Coming: The Secret of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Are you wondering what I am up to? Well, my latest project is coming along. It promises to open your eyes to the potential in marriage. It. . . well, just watch the video:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlDD_VEmPbg]

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Please Watch This Video
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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OK, this is slightly off the subject of marriage. It is more about me.

I have created my first YouTube video. It ain’t great. But it is an entry in a contest to help me be a best-selling author. Will you help? Just watch it. It is only 2 minutes long, and has two of my favorite quotes at the end.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K03lbxg3gPY]

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Valentine’s Day Message: Why Marriages Last
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Very frequently, I am asked by individuals, couples, even the press, “what makes a marriage last?” I chuckle a little because the answer is so simple (simple is NOT the same as easy).

But before I tell you the secret, I am aware that we are quickly approaching Valentine’s Day. At least in the United States, this holiday has become a retailer’s dream (and many an individual’s nightmare!). We have woven this whole ideal of romance into the fabric of this day.

Do you know who Valentine was? The facts are a little sketchy, but the theory is that it started with a Roman celebration where a lottery was held, matching girls and boys together for the duration of the celebration. Some of these became marriages. That celebration was, evidently, around mid-February, probably on the 14th.

Then enter Emperor Claudius. Claudius outlawed marriage, so that the young men eligible to be soldiers would not be encumbered by marriage. But a Catholic priest, Valentine, continued to perform marriages. He defied the emperor to honor love.

This led to his imprisonment and beheading. So his martyrdom was celebrated on February 14th, partly to overtake the Pagan celebration by honoring love in Christian terms.

Valentine was quite the counter-cultural! He refused to allow an emperor to prevent the union of two people who wanted to be together. And we have managed to bring back only the romantic, sexualized nature of relationships in our current celebrations!

So, that is the apparent history of Valentine’s Day, which leads me to the secret of a lasting marriage. You see, we have taken this holiday and made romance the cake, not the icing on the cake.

The secret to a lasting marriage? Two people who choose to stay married. That’s it. Marriages that last don’t necessarily have less conflict, more sex, more money, less anger, or anything else we assume. Marriages that last do so because each person makes a daily decision to stay married.

The commitment to the marriage, then, is the cake! From that commitment, a couple decides to work through difficulties. And since there is a commitment, a couple realizes they must come to some solution to the problems that arise in any marriage. Their solution just does not involve dissolution of the marriage!

When there is commitment, the cake, then romance really is the icing on the cake! It is not that romance and romantic feelings are unimportant. They just should not lead us into believing that their absence means a marriage is over.

Every marriage, successful or not, has times when passion wanes. That is the natural pattern of relationships. But those that share a commitment end up carrying the day when the passion is not the glue of the relationship.

Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day, and commit to commitment in your marriage!

If you need tools to help you get to the icing on the cake, grab my ebook!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Excuse #4: “It’s Not My Fault!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I have heard that one over and over: “It’s not my fault!” There are two subtexts to this:
1: “Since I am innocent, why should I have to do something?”
2: “Since I didn’t cause it, what can I do?”

Let’s say your house is on fire. Perhaps you didn’t cause the fire, but do you stand there and say, “this isn’t my fault” while the building burns around you, or do you take responsibility to get yourself and any others you can out of harms way?

While that one seems obvious, that is basically the issue at hand: we do not have to be at fault to take responsibility! In fact, those who study resilience (how people bounce back after challenges and crises), have found that this is one of the central issues that determines a person’s resilience. Can we take responsibility for making situations change without having to take the blame?

In fact, I would go so far as to say that blame should be dropped as an issue in marriage. Blame is always looking backward. Marriages recovering is about moving forward. To say it more simply, blame = backward, stuck, failure; responsibility = forward, progress, success.

And to apply the “burning house” metaphor further, why do you have to take action? Because the house is on fire! There are no options but to take action.

But to continue pushing against this excuse, I have yet to find a couple where one or the other was entirely blameless. We all act in ways that are not optimal. We all do things that hurt those we love. We all find ourselves responding in ways that surprise and sadden us.

In other words, we all have something we can work on. At times, the situation is this: we have worked to hard to make the relationship work that we are no longer being true to ourselves. Then, our task is to get back to the place where we are healthy. If we do that, we are taking responsibility for our own lives. We are able to make healthy changes in our lives that will likely lead to healthier places in our marriages.

“It’s not my fault” is only an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. Don’t fall for it.

Ready to take responsibility? Grab my ebook and get started!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Excuse #3: “I Can’t Do Anything!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Do you feel hopeless and unable to change the outcome of your relationship? Then excuse #3 may be the thought that is running through your mind: “I want to do something, but there isn’t anything I can do.”

Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.

But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!

Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Think about that — if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.

The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.

Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).

In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!

Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.

Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, “I can’t do anything,” in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Excuse #2: “I Can’t Afford This”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Here’s another excuse I hear over and over from people. “I can’t afford your information. It sounds great, but I’m broke!”

Often, they follow this up with “I can find free advice” or “X is cheaper than you.” Both statements are correct. You CAN find advice that is free. And you can find cheaper advice. But as they say, You Get What You Pay For!

Why is that advice free? Because it has little value. There is a joke: “What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their medical school class? Doctor.” But is that who you want to entrust your health to? The person who was at the bottom of the heap? Not me! I want someone who is tops in their field. I want someone who knows what they are doing. I want someone with the right knowledge. I WANT THE RIGHT ANSWER! I don’t want just any answer. I want one that gets me better.

Or an attorney. You can go get legal advice from an attorney who deals with anything that comes through his door, and maybe you will pay less than $100 per hour. Or you can find the person who can deal with your situation, a specialized attorney, and pay a little (or a lot) more. But you will at least get the RIGHT answer.

Anyone can give you an answer. And some of those answers will make things worse. Or you can get the answer that will help you.

I always find this excuse baffling. Do you know the average cost (not just legal bills, but lost resources, investments, equity, etc.) of a divorce in America? $30,000. That doesn’t even begin to calculate the loss over the years (2 homes, extra clothes for the kids, competing gifts, etc., etc., etc.) or the emotional and physical toll. The cost of a divorce is astronomical! The attorney’s fees for a decent divorce attorney start at $150 per hour, and go upwards of $500 per hour!

Or call a plumber to run his snake through the clogged pipe. 15 minutes, and you will pay upwards of $200, and you will gladly do it to take care of a crisis.

Trust me when I tell you: if you have found your way here, you have a crisis. You can deal with it now, or you can deal with it later, but the cost will keep going up.

If you are ready to save your marriage, I would tell you: you can’t afford not to!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Excuse #1: “Why Your Information Can’t Help ME”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I just received another email about why I can’t help them with their marriage. Simply put, the writer told me that their situation is just too unique. No book, ebook, special report, seminar, etc., could help them, because they are just too different. Their situation is just too unique for “general help.”

Every week, I get several emails from people wanting to tell me their situation and then ask if my information can help them. Almost always (barring an abusive relationship or a spouse that has departed for the moon!), I answer “yes.” I am not worried about the problems. I am concerned with the destination.

So, to the person who wrote that email (don’t worry, I’ve already responded directly), and to all the others who tell themselves that, I have one thing to say: You Are Just Making Excuses!

I don’t think you mean to be, but you are. You see, the funny thing about a crisis is that it makes us feel like we are the only ones going through this. We look around and don’t see our friends suffering. We don’t hear others saying the same things, so we believe we must be unique.

And you are unique. I would even venture to say that your problems may be unique (although at this point in my career, I never hear anything new). Really, the wrapper of the problems (what it looks like) may be unique. But the underlying dynamics are exactly the same.

Remember Leo Tolstoy (you probably had to read War and Peace in high school)? In another book, Anna Karenina, Tolstoy observed that “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” We all see our unhappiness as unique.

But what I have discovered is the path to happiness is exactly the same for every couple! Understand, where you begin that process may be different (in fact, I have isolated 8 different starting points), but what needs to happen, the underlying dynamics, and how to get where you want to be is the same!

So, if you automatically tell yourself that your problems are just too unique to be helped, give that up! It isn’t true. Your situation may be unique, but the dynamics and the path to happiness is the same.

In other words, to boil it down, you can use the information in my ebook to save your marriage. Don’t destroy your chances of a happy marriage because you keep telling yourself that your problems are just too unique.

Give your marriage a try, Excuse Free!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Will The End Of The Holidays Be The End Of Your Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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All that holiday cheer! Families getting together, packages to give and open, smells to enjoy, the lights. . . ah, the holidays. But many a marriage ends with the holidays. Come the first week of January, many people will discover themselves headed for separation or divorce.

But don’t just blame the holidays! Many of these marriages were already, unbeknownst to one, at the end of the line. You see, many people set a date for when to end a marriage. That date is rarely arbitrary. Let’s face it: most relationships that end have been in trouble for a long time.

So, a date is chosen that seems safer to the person who has finally decided to call it quits. And since nobody wants to be the “bad guy), many people who have made the decision to leave in the last 4 to 6 months will choose to leave after the holidays. They tell themselves that they don’t want to ruin the holidays for the children.

Many marriages will end after the holidays because the stress of the holidays has finanally ended an already limping relationship. Between the heightened expectations, additional financial worries, too many social activities, and the let-down of it all, many couples find that the stress is just too much! A miserable marriage suddenly becomes an impossible marriage.

Either situation is tragic. Generally, one or the other is caught off-guard, unaware that things had gotten so bad. In fact, many are surprised because they thought things were better. The leaving spouse has often been keeping the plans concealed. You see, ending a relationship is rarely a consensual decision. Almost always, there is one who either doesn’t see things as being so bad or just wants to keep trying.

That is why they are sometimes so suprised. You see, people can often make a decision, then once the decision is made, begin to act very differently. The morose anger can disappear. Fights may stop, arguments may ce

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
“I Don’t Know What To Do”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I titled this blog with a comment I hear over and over. More than that, those who are caught in that phrase, “I don’t know what to do,” are often silently suffering.

When a marriage is in crisis, some people begin to immediately act. Others are frozen. Both are the same responses, a variation on the old “fight or flight” response to fear. When the emotion of fear grabs our innards, we are going to respond from very primitive areas in our brain. And either response can get us into trouble. (If you want to know more about how your brain gets you into trouble when trying to resolve a marriage problem, grab my ebook.)

If you are paralyzed not knowing what to do, the antidote is to get busy. Do something. Start reading, seek counsel, address the concerns in the marriage. I understand the feeling of helplessness, but you can choose to act in spite of the feeling of helplessness. You see, in life, it is not how you feel but what you do that determines where you end up.

At the same time, if you find yourself on the opposite end, panicky action, pause for a moment and find the actions that are reasonable and calm. Reacting in a panic is no better than not reacting.

A marriage in trouble cannot stay at the same point that created the crisis. Action is necessary, but the action must be sensible, not one stirred by the feelings of panic.

If your marriage is, indeed, in trouble, take a moment to decide which pattern you are following: panic or paralysis. Then recognize that the antidote to both is the same: choosing a path that is based on calm, sensible thinking.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
How You Can Save Your Marriage
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Is your marriage in trouble? Do you see your relationship on the brink of divorce? You are not alone.

Each year in America alone, nearly 1 million marriages end in divorce. This is an incredible number! That would be as if all the citizens of Houston Texas were divorced (each divorce leaves 2 people).

The question is how many of those marriages could be saved. Unfortunately, that is an invisible number. If your marriage stays together, it is hard to find in the statistics. As Marian Wright Edelman wrote, statistics are stories with the tears washed off. Yet many marriages that should have made it do not.

Can your marriage be saved? If I could answer that, I would be a wealthy man. I can tell you that if your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, the outcome is guaranteed. If you do something, there is a much better chance that your marriage will be saved. As Wayne Gretzky says, “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

And I can tell you, in four simple steps what you can do to save your marriage. You can start right now. But you must understand that I said “simple.” That is not the same as “easy.” These steps are not easy. They do, however, give you a path that you must follow if you want to change the destiny of a marriage in trouble.

These are the 4 steps:

1) Quit the blame game. Stop blaming your spouse and stop blaming yourself. This is the first step because marriages get frozen into a pattern of blame that immobilizes any prospect of progress. Instead, the momentum gets dragged down and down.

Blame is our way of avoiding seeing ourselves clearly. It is much easier to point the finger somewhere and say “It’s their fault.” But in marriage, you can just as easily turn that pointing finger on yourself and place the blame there, saying “it’s all my fault.”

Unfortunately, blame feels good in the short-term, but in the long-term, it prevents any shift or change. So, even if you can make a long list of why you or your spouse should be blamed, forget it. Even if that list is factual, it will not help you put your marriage back together. Blame is the fuel of divorces.

2) Take responsibility. Decide you can do something. Change always begins with one person who wants to see a change. Understand that taking responsibility is not the same as taking the blame (see above).

Instead, blame is saying “regardless of who is at fault, there are some things I can do differently, and I am going to do them.” What buttons do you allow your spouse to push? What buttons do you push with your spouse? Decide not to allow those buttons to be pushed and stop pushing the buttons.

What amazes me in my counseling is that everyone knows what they should be doing or not doing. But it is difficult to move in that direction. Don’t be caught in that. Decide that you will take action.

The difference between blame and responsibility is this: if I am in a burning building, I can stand around trying to figure out who started the blaze, why it has spread so quickly, and who I am going to sue when it is over (blame), or I can get myself and anyone else I can out of that building (taking responsibility). When a marriage is in trouble, the house is on fire. How will you take action to save the marriage?

3) Get resources from experts. If others have been helped, you can be, too. Experts with a great deal more perspective and experience can be a real help in these situations. Do your research and divide the useless from the useful, then take advantage of the useful.

Don’t assume that your situation is so different from every other situation. I can tell you that after 20-some years of providing therapy, not too much new comes through my doors. Don’t get me wrong; the story changes, but the dynamics are the same.

Remember what Albert Einstein said, “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.” In other words, what got you into trouble will not get you out of trouble. That requires a whole new level of thinking. And that is what you get from an outside expert, someone with a fresh perspective.

4) Take action. More damage is done by doing nothing by taking a misstep. It is too easy to get paralyzed by the situation. Therapists often talk about “analysis paralysis.” This occurs when people get so caught up in their churning thoughts and attempts to “figure things out” that they never take action.

It is not enough to simply understand what is causing the problem. You must then act! On a daily basis, I find people coming to my office with the belief that if they can just understand their problem, it will resolve itself. That simply does not happen. Resolution of the situation takes action.

Will your marriage be saved? If you follow my suggestions, you have infinitely more opportunity for saving your marriage than if you do nothing. Marriage is one of those places where it takes two to make it work, but only one to really mess things up. You can only do your part, but many times, that is enough. Resolve not to ask the question but to begin to act.

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If you are ready to take action, grab my ebook, Save The Marriage by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .