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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Save The Marriage Receives An Excellent Review
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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It is always gratifying when my ebook is reviewed in a favorable light. And it was just brought to my attention that it has once again received a great review. So, if you would like to see what someone else has to say (and in this case, someone who has reviewed many other resources), you can read the whole review by Clicking Here.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Hint: Starting Divorce Proceedings Is NOT A Marriage-Saving Action!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I finally decided to say this in my blog. . . because I keep saying the same thing in emails! It started this morning. Another email telling me that she wanted to save her marriage, but that she had filed for divorce. Her question was how to start the conversation with her spouse.

My answer is “stop the legal process!” There is nothing in that process that will help get people back together. There is nothing that will help to solve the problem by filing for divorce. There is nothing in the action that will get the attention someone might be looking for.

Yet every week, I receive a couple of letters that say the same thing: “I don’t want to get divorced, but I don’t know what to do, so I filed.” Somewhere, I still fail to see the logic here, even though I know what they are thinking.

At some point, the desperation gets to the point that it feels like there is nothing else that can be done (there is. See my ebook.) But when it doesn’t feel like there is anything to be done, we start making panicky, foolish decisions. Filing for divorce is one of them.

Many people have told me that the only reason they filed was to get their spouse’s attention. Instead, the majority got a divorce!

An attorney may tell you that you can stop the process as any time. That is true, in the theoretical sense. But once someone files, something changes psychologically. When the case is listed in court with the “versus” between the names, they are not kidding! The process is adversarial by its nature. A relationship is being taken apart. And the effect on each person’s psychology is devastating.

What saddens me is how many OK marriages, marriages that could and should be saved, are tossed away because someone decided to file — didn’t want to file, but didn’t know what else to do. If you are in that situation, please let me remove that option from your vocabulary!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
“I’m Sorry” Is The Starting Point — Not The End
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Several years back, my son had a teacher that would not allow the students to say “I’m sorry.” That may sound odd, coming from a 1st grade teacher. . . not allowing someone to apologize. But his rationale was this: Saying your sorry does not indicate a change. Changing indicates a change.

While I think this teacher went a little too far (sometimes, it is nice to hear those words), his point was dead-on. People often apologize and apologize, but with no change in behavior. In fact, I often see people where, in the middle of a session, they turn to their spouse and say, “I said I was sorry. What do you want me to do?” I often catch them there and say “CHANGE!”

A true apology begins with saying “I’m sorry,” but is then followed up with changes that show the behavior that prompted the need to apologize has been left behind.

Too often, “I’m sorry” comes in response to “I was caught.” The behavior that seemed to make sense before no longer makes sense. “The gig is up,” as some would say. Then, there is the hurt and pain over the transgression, often on both parts.

The fracture can and should be healed. But saying “I’m sorry” is merely the starting point. It is the acknowledgment that something occurred that should not have. But it is also the beginning of “so what am I going to do about it?” Restoration requires a changing of behavior. This may be correcting what was done, or it may require changing habits and behaviors so that is doesn’t happen again.

For instance, when a couple is struggling with the aftermath of an affair, changes in behavior on the part of the one who had the affair is necessary, if not crucial. Living an “open book” life, staying away from the other person, being loving and supportive, are all examples of changes that may continue the process.

Or for instance, someone who abuses alcohol. “I’m sorry” begins the process. But choosing to avoid friends that lead to problems or locations that elicit drinking, are perhaps necessary changes.

Too often, we quickly give an “I’m sorry,” but have a hard time following this up with a change in behavior. It is good to remember that an apology only begins a process of healing.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Will Sex Fix the Problem?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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In yet another case of the book being written based on some life experience, a couple decided to try to get their marriage on track. . . by having sex daily for 100 days! You can read about it by CLICKING HERE.

Would this work for everyone? The answer is “sorta, kinda, not, but maybe.” How’s that for definite responses? The truth is that the marriage in question may not have been on-track, but it was not in the gutters. It was just “so-so,” which does account for a large part of the population.

In the end, this couple decided to really shake up their life — throw a little passion into the mix. This changes the relationship. It shifted them from roommates to married couple, from parents to lovers. That is a good thing.

My concern is how we have made sex such a big issue. I always chuckle when a couple comes into my office, telling me they “just don’t have time for sex.” Come on. The vast majority of us spend more than 1/2 an hour watching TV, or otherwise wasting time. The average length of sex is, from what I have read, 20 minutes. That’s a TV show minus the commercials!

In the end, we have made sex too big of an issue (imagining it takes too much time and too much energy), and at the same time have taken it too lightly (forgetting the glue that sex adds to a marriage, the connection it creates).

Do the authors of the book have the solution? Maybe not, but it might be a fun test!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Summer: The Death Season For Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Here in the States, it is Memorial Day. For some people, this is a remembrance for those who gave their lives in war.

But for most folks, it simply marks the beginning of the summer season. Ah, the livin’ is easy. . . at least according to the songs.

School is out in most places, and the atmosphere just takes on a little more relaxed pace. People are out playing ball, taking a walk, swinging on the front porch, taking a vacation. Things just seem to slow down.

For me, summer marks a shift in marriages. Many marriages will end this season. Summer brings with it a break in the routine, and for many people, a transition point in marriage. Some people have been silently making plans. Other times, the couple have been marking the days until summer to finally take action.

The ending dates are predictable in lots of cases: just after the holidays, after an important date (birthdays), before important dates (anniversaries), and summertime. This is especially true when kids are involved. The couple reasons that there are several months for everyone to adjust.

Bad news: there is never a good time to end a relationship. Rationalize it all you want, but there is never a good way, never a good time, and never a least-damaging way.

My hope is that people will take the summer and work on their relationships. The slowdown means there are less activities that are scheduled. Spend some time together. Play together as a family. Choose to forgive and move ahead. Keep the marriage together!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Life Is Short: Save Your Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Did you hear the story about the billboard with the message: “Life Is Short, Get A Divorce”?

I was horrified! OK, to be fair, after lots of complaints, the billboard came down.

But the fact is that our culture has pushed too hard to make it too easy to end a marriage. The real task is to stay married, to be true to the vows made.

Marriage is a challenge to be navigated, not an expendable part of life. Sure, there are times when abuse or infidelity make the marriage impossible. But most marriages are ended for little to no real reason.

How often have I heard the statement, “we just grew apart,” or “I fell out of love.” I don’t buy either one.

Life is too short to have a bad marriage. But that is not a reason to get rid of the marriage! Instead, it is a challenge to improve the marriage, to make it something worthwhile for all.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Want To Save Your Marriage?? Be Genuine!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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People ask me for my “best advice” in working on a marriage. It is simple, but not easy. My advice for marriage is “be genuine.”

Why is this hard? Because when a marriage is in trouble, we immediately try to find ways of manipulating the situation to get some movement from our spouse. It is only natural for people to try to find an angle to work. And it may be the angle you are trying to work is for good motive (a rebuilt marriage, I would count as a good motive).

What I often tell people when they are working on their marriage is to take a hard look at who they have become in the marriage, consider who they really are that they have left behind, and become that person again. We mold ourselves and allow ourselves to be molded based in part on what we think our spouse wants. Then we are greatly surprised to find that we are not what our spouse wants.

In reality, we have become something that is disingenuous. We are not ourselves anymore. We have become what we think the other wants. This is especially true when our spouse seems to be the one that doesn’t want us. We tend to quickly shift to what we think will work.

(For those who have had an unfaithful spouse, this is particularly true. We try to transform ourselves into someone that is desired. And in almost all cases, we miss the point of the affair. It was about a disconnect, not about who you are.)

So, my antidote to this painful place is to become more genuine. Become who your best self is. Forget trying to be who you think your spouse wants you to be. It is 1) impossible, and 2) unfair for your spouse to want you to be something you are not. (OK, if you don’t shower and smell bad, I would say it is fair for your spouse to ask for you to be clean, but for the most part, any change of any depth is unfair.)

When a marriage is in trouble, both partners tend to fall into the belief that the other person needs to change. And if one person really wants to save the marriage, he or she can feel this pressure and try to become what the other seems to want.

Now hear me clearly: change is not the problem. Changing to try to fit what you think the other person wants, that is the problem. Become a better person. Focus on improving yourself. . . but not to save the marriage; to be a better person!

At the end of the day, you have to look in the mirror and determine whether you like yourself or not. And if you are not who you truly are, you will not like yourself. If you are genuine, and your change is out of your own desire to improve and be a better person, then you can look in the mirror and greet yourself.

And guess what? A genuine person is genuinely attractive. Your ability to improve and save the marriage will paradoxically rise when you stop trying to be something you think your spouse wants.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Love And/Or Need
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Today, I want to draw a distinction. It is a simple one, but one that is crucial for the success of marriage.

Here it is: Someone can love you, and not meet your needs. You can love someone and not meet their needs.

And here is what I mean: when we have a need and it is not met, we can come to believe that we are not loved by that person. For example, I had a client tell me about an interaction the other night. Her husband had given her some “early Valentine” flowers. He was showing he loved her. Later that night, they were watching a TV show, and she wanted to tell him about something emotional. Instead of listening, he stated he wanted to watch what was on TV. Naturally, she felt hurt. Her reaction was to throw the flowers out the door and into the cold night.

The symbolism is clear: the flowers meant he loved her, but when she didn’t feel loved, she threw out the symbol. But his not meeting her need to be heard was not the same as him not loving her. He simply failed to address her needs at that point.

When we fail to remember this distinction, we translate our hurt feelings (and feelings are always hurt when a need is not met) into feeling unloved. While this may seem like an obvious jump, it is one I see over and over.

But it is indeed possible for someone to love me and not to meet my needs. Proof? I do it to other people all the time. My wife has needs that I miss; my kids have needs that I fail to address. But that does not mean that I don’t love them. It merely means I am human, and I will sometimes fail to meet someone else’s needs.

In our heads, we think of marriage as finding a beautiful/handsome, accepting, loving and nurturing person to love us, warts, failures, and all. In other words, we want someone to meet our needs perfectly, but can’t do that ourselves. True love is working to meet the other person’s needs, knowing that sometimes the other person will not meet our needs. Problems come when we decide to not meet our spouse’s needs because our needs are not met.

Seek first to meet your spouse’s needs, and understand when your spouse fails to meet yours.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
. . . And Avoid That Romantic Weekend Away!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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My last post warned you about the “Big Relationship Talk.” Bet you never imagined hearing a Relationship Coach or Therapist warn you about communicating!

Really, my warning was about hoping that big talk would iron out long-standing issues. The talk ends up being too “loaded” — too many expectations, too much importance, and too much of the conversation has already happened in the head of one or the other.

Today, I am sending a warning out about taking that “romantic getaway” as a means of reconnecting and starting fresh. Again, you may be thinking, “why is this guy killing my romantic reconnection.” I am all for that, but I also know that these “romantic getaways” are rife with potential disappointment.

Just like that big talk, both parties end up playing out the weekend, often in great detail (or fantasy) without being able to speak to these expectations. So, off you go, on the weekend trip, with huge expectations.

At the start of the trip, you may be disconnected, and expect to return connected. But when you leave disconnected, you end up trying to go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. Possible, but neither likely nor comfortable.

Instead, postpone the trip for when you are feeling connected. Take small trips — the coffee shop for a chat, the bookstore for a perusal, the movies, a walk around the neighborhood — as a way to reconnect. Then, when you feel reconnected, spend your money on a romantic weekend that has a chance to live up to the fantasy in your head!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Why “Let’s Talk” Doesn’t Work
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Sometimes, when a couple is having trouble, they decide to try to deal with it. And when they decide to deal with it, sometimes they are effective, and other times they create more damage.

Today, a quick note about the damaging approach: The Big Talk about the relationship. You know the one; it’s the talk that will pull things back together. You will share, your spouse will suddenly understand, you two will make up, and marital bliss will follow. OK, that’s the mental picture you hold.

I’m afraid I have to break the news. That talk is not going to go the way you want it to go. In fact, you are likely to find yourself in the midst of a fight, worse off than you were before.

The reason is this: marriages get in trouble because the level of intimacy has either always been off, or has gotten off-course. That may seem obvious, but the side-effect of this is that when you are trying to have “The Big Talk,” there is not enough intimacy in the relationship to contain it.

So, you end up with a defensive spouse who feels threatened by being “pulled into” a discussion that was not his or her idea. Then he or she feels blamed, no matter how you try to explain your fault (if you see any) in yourself.

Usually, we play out the scenario in our minds about the conversation, how we will start it, how our spouse will respond, and how it will end. But our spouse doesn’t know the script, and doesn’t even know we have been pondering the conversation, until he or she hears “we need to talk.” That will strike fear into anyone (probably even stronger in men).

So, right off the bat, anxiety is up, fear is rampant, and the possibility of actually hearing is reduced by 90%. The rest is just playing out the recipe for disaster.

That doesn’t mean you don’t talk. It means you build intimacy along the way, before you have the bigger, deeper talks. Spend time reconnecting, being friends, having chats about your thoughts and your life (outside the relationship). Once that level of intimacy is reached, it is possible to have deeper talks, but by that time, it won’t be “The Big Talk,” just another talk about your relationship.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .