Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

There are two issues that seem to be a problem for many couples: emotional health and financial health. These two items tend to account for many of the problems that lead couples to relational problems.

Often, depression is the quiet destroyer of relationships. When one spouse is depressed, it can cause problems for the relationship, both because of the lack of energy and the prevalence of negativity. This begins to breed negativity both ways. To help, we have created a resource website. The new website is http://www.beatdepressionnow.com. We will be continually adding articles, resources, and even a forum in the days ahead!

And the number one cause of divorce? Financial problems. Many people find themselves in a financial bind, and seek a solution. A popular solution these days has been the debt consolidation. Unfortunately, it is not a cure-all, and before people jump into that process, they need to decide on whether it is beneficial to them. But most websites are selling a debt consolidation. So, we created a website that will provide information. We are not a bank, mortgage firm, or financial institution, so we try to provide useful information, articles, and resources for you to explore if this may be a good option. You can find this site at http://www.your-debt-consolidation.net.

Let us know what you think, or other resources you would like to see.

OK, here it is — a new year is upon us, and that always has me thinking of what I want different. What is it that I want to change this year?

So here is my change to focus on: taming my tongue. Understand, I don’t use profanity (OK, sometimes when I am hammering get my finger instead of the nail. . .), I rarely raise my voice, and I do not name-call. So what am I taming?

I read an article that I can no longer locate. It stated there are three questions we should ask ourselves when we are speaking:

1) Is what I am going to say true?

The first question challenges us to be truthful in all that we say. How many times do we avoid saying something because it might cause a problem? And how many times do we say something that is either false or only partly true? So the first question to pose is “is what I am going to say true?”

2) Is what I am going to say kind?

Unfortunately, our tongue — our speech — is an incredibly powerful force. I can still remember things said to me, good or bad, that were spoken well over 30 years ago. One person recently told me that he does not like to fight, because when he argues, he or the other person may say things that are hurtful (and not really true, just “fighting words”). And once the words are out, they can’t be taken back.

Often, I find myself saying things that are funny (at least to me!), but not always kind. Sometimes I tease my kids. Really, I just make a twist on what they are saying, but I can see it frustrates them. My words may not be mean, but neither are they kind.

3) Is what I am going to say important?

Here is a question that must make us all pause and think. Perhaps your first reaction is that if it has to be important, there will not be much talking. Perhaps, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if we gave up on meaningless talk, and committed to making talk meaningful. Our words are incredibly powerful, but we treat them like they are free!

And sometimes, the importance of words are in their connection. It is not so much about providing great depth of a philosophy debate. But it is a connection that bridges the separation that people tend to feel in this day and age. So, light conversation may be as important as a deep debate.

So, that’s one of my resolutions for the year: I will focus on the three questions as a way of taming my tongue, and most importantly, of helping loved-ones feel more loved. Will you join me in the challenge? Will you take on your own tongue?

I am often asked about the roots of problems in marriages. In other words, what started the problem?

I would venture to guess that the beginnings of the degeneration of a relationship are the fear of rejection leads to the couple acting in ways that are more removed and defensive. Fear is a deep-rooted issue, one that affects all of us. You could say that we are wired for fear. (You can read more about this at my Living Beyond Fear blog)

Fear is not the best place from which to heal a relationship. Better is acceptance and love. Love and acceptance are the antidote to fear. Our brains are really only capable of one state at a time. The two possible states are 1)Fear or 2)Love and Acceptance. So, acting out of love and acceptance actually causes a shift in our brain process –it changes our brain state from a downward spiral to an upward spiral.

There are many calculations on the cost of divorce. Many estimate the dollar cost to be about $30,000. Some have demonstrated that men fair better than women, but findings show it is monetarily costly.

This says nothing to the emotional and relational cost. That would show the true cost of divorce. An excellent resource in calculating the true cost of divorce can be found in this article.

When people arrive at my office, as you can imagine, they are in trouble. And what is often true is that one of the two wants to have the big “sit down” conversation, roll up those sleaves, and solve the problem. The complication is that almost always, the other is not willing or ready to do that.

So, when the “sit-downer” pushes, the “let’s not” ends up retreating further, which only leads to the “sit-downer” seeing even more need, more reason to have the sit-down. The effect is a vicious cycle where the problems get worse, the solution gets harder to come-by, and neither gets what he or she wants.

Sound like a familiar problem?

Here’s the solution: Give up on solving the problem right now. Understand, I am not suggesting turning a “blind eye” to the problem. But let’s face it: if you are not getting what you want from the technique you are using, it may be a good time to change the approach.

The real problem is that there is not enough connection between the two, so any conversation seems to be a threat to one or the other. And, in fact, what seems like a daunting, if not impossible problem, becomes irrelevant when things are going well.

My wife has pointed out that she doesn’t care where we are going on a trip when we are all getting along. But if there is a feeling of disconnect, then somewhere that is not her favorite feels like a bad choice. When things are going well, problems shrink in importance. When there is a disconnect, then problems magnify in their importance. A minor issue becomes a major stumbling block.

An aside: I have had many people tell me they live by the idea that you should never go to bed angry. My response is that means you will be tired many mornings. What seems like something to be angry about often feels much less important after a good night’s rest.

The reason I state this aside is because there is a tie-in. When our mood is low, we tend to see things from a more pessimistic and negative way. When our mood is high, we tend to be more hopeful and optimistic.

So, when we are feeling low about our relationship, we tend to be less optimistic about issues and problems, and find ourselves propelled into solving them, getting down to the bottom of things. Or we tend to want to avoid the problem all-together. Neither approach is useful.

My recommendation: set aside the problem for a time. Instead, focus on finding some times and places to have enjoyable, neutral discussions. Find some opportunities of enjoying each other’s company. In other words, build and nurture your emotional connection. Spend time in reconnecting, making some deposits in the emotional bank account. When that connection is more solid, then you can decide whether an issue still needs to be solved. If, when you both feel connected, it seems like an important issue, then you can tackle it.

Yesterday, I sat with a couple and heard something I have heard over and over. The wife expressed her concern that she would start to work on the relationship, things would get back on track (“a patch on the inner-tube” was her expression), and then in 5 years, everything would fall apart (“another blow-out” was her expression). Fear of problems in the future was stopping her from working on the relationship today.

Last night, I continued to watch the devastation from Hurricane Katrina on the news. I watched a man describe the loss of his wife, swept away in the collapse of their house. “I’ve lost everything I have, everything I have” were the words he repeated. Clearly, from his circumstances, he was not referring to anything material. It was the loss of his wife. The loss of his most dear possession, his marriage, was heartbreaking.

It made me aware of two things: First, there is no promise of what will come tomorrow. If anything, since 9/11, our world has been permanently reminded of the impermanence of life. As a doctor once said to me, “life is terminal.” So, my client yesterday was right. There is no guarantee that things won’t fall apart down the road. As I say to people when they tell me, “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to fall,” the other shoe will fall, followed by another and another. Because that is what life is about. There is no guarantee, so we can either work to protect ourselves or throw caution to the wind, and work toward something better right now!

Second, the hurricane made it very clear that nature can take everything from us but love. Our possessions can be flooded, wind-blown, and swept to sea. Our loved ones may even die, but the love remains. In the end, what we all want is a relationship of love. So, we can either be scared for the future and retract, or we can embrace life and build love.

In our life, marriage has the capacity of the deepest bond. For that reason, every marriage deserves an effort.

If you have read my ebook, Save The Marriage, you know that I have some major reservations about marital therapy. Studies have shown almost 50% of couples in therapy end up divorced. Only 10 to 20% of couples who go to therapy see any significant help from counseling. This is a major indictment on therapy, and one that has not been addressed!

The problem is not that there aren’t skilled marital therapists. The problem is there are too many therapists offering marital therapy that should not. If you decide to use a therapist to help you heal your relationship, you should be careful. Don’t go in unprepared. Many people spend less time choosing a therapist than choosing someone to fix their roof!

There are some questions I think you should ask of any therapist. If you are wondering why, I have a whole chapter on the problem with therapists in my ebook. So, here, I will focus on the questions you may want to ask:

• “Do you have specialized training in marriage counseling?” You’d be amazed on how many therapists see couples, but have never been trained to do so. The vast majority of therapists are trained in individual therapy models. Many ideas in individual therapy models are destructive in marital therapy.

• “How much of your work is with couples?” Someone who spends a great deal of time with couples is likely to be better at it than someone who sees a few couples each week. Therapists tend to spend their time with the type of clients with whom they are comfortable and successful. However, therapists are also likely to see clients they are less comfortable with, but who help pay the bills (that’s not cynicism, just reality).

• “When working with a couple, do you see us together or separately?” I don’t see this as an absolute, but I think the vast majority of sessions should be with both of the spouses together. Sometimes, it is useful to see one or the other to help get past a block. However, there are a couple of risks of spending too much time with one or the other: First, therapists are humans; like it or not, they will be swayed by the views of whomever they spend the most time. Second, one or the other may perceive a coalition, even if it is not there. And third, if a therapist hears something that one cannot say to the other, then the therapist is in a difficult position: keeping a secret or violating something said in confidence.

• “Who is your client when you are seeing a couple?” Correct answer: the relationship (or some very similar answer). Any other answer indicates that the individual(s) will be the client. This is a problem. The question of who the client is creates the frame for what will be addressed and what will be preserved. So, if the individual is the client, the client’s happiness will be of paramount importance. If the relationship is the client, then success is based on the success of the relationship.

• “How successful are you in helping couples stay together?” They probably won’t have the statistics, but they will give you some information that is helpful. For example, they will begin to tell you their definition of success: helping people divorce with minimal damage (not a good answer), helping each find happiness (not a good answer), I hang in there until we get somewhere in the relationship (a good answer), etc. You want to hear something about success being defined as couples staying together, relationships saved.

• “When do you tell a couple to call it quits?” There shouldn’t be many reasons to call it quits, on the therapist’s part. If they answer “affair” or “when the other wants a divorce,” keep moving. In my opinion, if the couple comes to my office, they are there to save the relationship. Barring abuse in the relationship, I opt to stick it out until the couple decides they will not continue.

As you can tell, you are looking for someone who will be an ally of the marriage. You want someone who is willing to be straight with both of you, and one that will keep pushing you to move toward health. You also want someone who has been down that road with many couples before, and someone who has been trained to walk that path.

Choose carefully. Often, the therapist holds a fragile relationship in the palm of his or her hand. Mistakes can destroy a relationship that may have otherwise survived. A good therapist is an asset. A bad therapist is destructive.

One of the most frequent questions I am asked is this: Can a marriage really be saved by only one? The answer is, ultimately, no.

However, the answer is much more complicated than that. While it takes two to make a successful marriage, only one can tear it down. But that said, marriage is an interplay (almost a dance) between two people. If one changes the steps, the other has to change his or her steps.

So it is possible to, by yourself, profoundly affect the relationship, drawing the other person in, and ultimately saving the relationship. You cannot manipulate, force, or somehow trick the other into staying. But you can fundamentally shift the relationship, which causes the other person to decide to stay and improve the relationship.

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