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The Differences Between Happy and Hurting Marriages

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg June 24, 2020 June 23, 2020

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 24, 2020

Marriages start at the same place: two people in love, ready to face the world together. And most believe they have already beaten the odds. Their love is “the real thing,” enduring and lasting. It won’t fall apart like those other marriages. They have already won.

Except they haven’t.

Some marriages keep on moving forward, resolute and solid, loving and supportive. But many hit an inflection point. They go from happy to hurting.

And many times, they can’t find their way back… mostly because they don’t know what the difference was; what made the difference between happy and hurting.

Interestingly, most people name differences that don’t make a difference between happy and hurting. What they assume makes a difference, doesn’t.

Instead, there are 4 differences that do matter. And here is what is important: they can be changed. Once you understand the 4 differences between a hurting and happy marriage, you can shift toward happy. They are learnable skills, once identified.

Listen below for the 4 differences that don’t matter and the 4 differences that do. They make the difference between happy and hurting.

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Service or Repair?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 17, 2020

My car is in for service. Usually, that means I am in their lounge, trying my best to work with daytime TV blaring in the background. But due to COVID, I decided to leave it there and head for home. Now, I am just waiting for the call to pick it up.

It’s just regular maintenance today (fingers crossed). But there were other cars there for repairs.

Which had me thinking….

What does service mean for a relationship? How about repair for a marriage?

The more I thought about it, the more the metaphor fit. If I do regular maintenance on my car, it by no means guarantees that it won’t break down. But it does increase the chances of avoiding a roadside breakdown.

Let’s be fair: even the best-maintained vehicles can still break down, still need a repair. But let’s also be clear that if you have maintained your relationship, it is far less likely to need a repair, and far less likely that it will be costly (I can attest to this after the demise of my first car).

Well-maintained marriages are far less likely to hit a crisis — a breakdown. And if they do hit a crisis, they are better equipped to deal with the crisis and the outcome.

In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover the process of marriage maintenance (5 steps) and what to do when it is repair time. Listen below.

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How to Deepen Your Connection

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 10, 2020

The #1 reason people sought me out for couples counseling: “We are just not connected.” The #1 reason why marriages end up failing: “We are just too disconnected.”

What happened? That connection you had at the beginning of your marriage… where did it go?

I can tell you the biggest reason why couples become disconnected: life gets in the way. Or more correctly, couples let life get in the way. They hit the “pause button” on the relationship. Because of kids, the career, schooling, hobbies, friends… lots of reasons.

They just didn’t know there is no such thing as a pause button. Either your relationship is growing or receding. There is no pause.

Still, they hit pause… and their marriage begins to disconnect. Then, reconnecting seems so hard. It is pushing against the inertia created. It starts feeling like one more “have to” that is shuffled off to the back, last in line. The marriage stays “paused,” and the relationship continues to decline.

How DO you deepen your connection? That is the topic on this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast.

I discuss the 3 levels of connection, and why it is so easy at the beginning… and then gets hard. I also note the 2 characteristics you need in order to build the connection between you and your spouse.

And then, I introduce you to a couple who have created a fun way to build connection with your spouse. Don’t miss that discussion!

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Survival Rules for Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 3, 2020

Your marriage is in trouble. You know you want to save your relationship, but you aren’t sure how.

Step #1 is surviving.

Confession: I have an abiding interest in survival. I’m the guy who reads all the scuba accident reports, the shark attack reports, and the mountaineering accident reports.

Why do those who survive make it through? What makes a difference for them?

They followed, on purpose or by accident, “rules” of surviving. Those rules can help you, too.

Your first task is to survive. That gives you time to take more action. Those actions are designed to rescue your relationship. In fact, that is one rule I cover… being the rescuer. Check it out in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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Focused On The Wrong Things?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 27, 2020

At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis. Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.

And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.

Where we focus is what gets our attention. Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.

That can head you right toward disaster and further discord. And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage.

“Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction.”
Kenichi Ohmae

There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst. And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention.

Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis.

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When Marriage is Hard

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 20, 2020

“Why is marriage so hard?” That is a question I often hear from struggling couples.

What happened? All of that love, all the connection, seems to disappear, to be replaced with struggle and strife.

At the start, it seemed so easy. You wanted to be together, to spend your life together. Then… something shifted. Things got tough.

Does that mean that the marriage was wrong, that you married the wrong person?

Or is there something else going on?

There are several challenges that arise in any marriage. They are challenges, not insurmountable obstacles. They prove that “being in love” is not enough to get you through life.

You CAN make it through the struggle. And no, the struggle does NOT mean the marriage is headed for failure or broken. There IS a place for renewal and connection.

Listen below for more on how to get past the struggle.

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Hanging On To Hope

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 13, 2020

Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless. You may even be wondering that, too. But is it? Is it hopeless?

Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation?

Let’s be honest: if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation.

Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way. We find the way because we hold onto hope.

In my latest book, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness. I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s barriers is by having hope. Holding onto hope. Maintaining hope while waiting for space to make a shift.

Hope has 3 core components… all within your control and choice. But you do need to know the components in order to choose. When you do, you choose hope.

Remember that hope is not about waiting for a spouse to hope… or even to shift. It comes from within you, a choice you make. Hang on to hope!

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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Love Isn’t (Only) Romantic

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 6, 2020

“Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.”

Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else?

Most relationships are sparked by infatuation. Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage. It is, though, not the goal.

For most, that part of a relationship is a stage. It naturally cools over time. This is just the nature of an attraction. It tempers over time. Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion.

Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside? Not at all. You just can’t count on it as the focus.

Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance. The fact that it disappeared is more a reflection of the damaged connection than a sign the marriage was not meant to be, or has irretrievably failed.

I discuss the Passion Paradox in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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Quarantined Together or Apart

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 29, 2020

If a marriage crisis was not enough to deal with… now we have a pandemic. And if that was not enough, we are self-isolating. The pandemic isn’t anything we can control. Self-isolating is best for ourselves and others.

What, though, does that mean about your marriage crisis? How do you deal with that? In the midst of the pandemic? And while self-isolating.

That breaks down into 4 different groups: Isolating together but working alone, isolating together and working together, isolating apart and working alone, and isolating apart but working together. Each has some nuances that need your attention.

I cover some recommendations for each group, and explain why it makes a difference.

Listen in below.

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Finding the Energy – Continuing your Efforts

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 22, 2020

“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage. Besides, what is the point?”

Let’s face it: right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained. And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up. Much less when everything feels upside down!

Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down? Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any?

There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy.

More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.” Make a shift… then save your marriage.

I cover the underlying issues and the way to solve them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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