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3 Reasons Why Your Efforts To Save Your Marriage Are Failing
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Your marriage is in crisis.  It may be a surprise or it may just be you have finally hit bottom after watching a slow and chronic decline.  But either way, you find yourself fighting for your marriage.

When “Anne” called, she was in the same spot.  Her husband dropped the news on her over the weekend.  She knew things weren’t great, but thought they were just in a slump.  She told me that on Friday, he seemed irritated and distant, but she just chalked it up to a bad day at work.

But by Saturday afternoon, it was clear something else was going on.  After some prodding and poking, he finally erupted with “I’m not happy!”  From there, the conversation quickly devolved into an argument.  And with that, her husband announced, “This is why I am done!  We always end up here!”

Where did the discussion go wrong?

Mistake #1 — Anne begged, cajoled, and argued, in an attempt to change her husband’s mind.  She was sure that if she could just get him to “see the light,” he would decide to hang in there and work on it.

Instead, Anne proved his point.  She turned into her worst side.  Her controlling tendencies emerged.  And in the process, she tried to use words to “convince,” but they ended up feeling more like attacks and “crazy talk.”

Mistake #2 — Anne threatened.  She threatened to take the children, take the house, take the money, and tell everyone about her husband’s “true side.”

That was another leap further into crisis.  Now, not only was her husband unhappy, he was also feeling threatened.  Whenever anyone feels threatened, we tend to defend ourselves.  And when we defend ourselves, we armor ourselves.  Any warm emotions have to be hidden and put away.  What emerges instead, is anger and counter-threat.

To add insult to injury, since divorce is a legal process, the many threats Anne leveled, she could not even fulfill.  But in her blind fear, she lashed out.

Mistake #3 — Anne manipulated.  Somewhere on the internet, on a site about how to save your marriage, Anne read about using “reverse psychology.”  So, Anne tried that.  For a second, her husband was speechless — just long enough for Anne to think she had made some leeway.  Then, she discovered that his speechlessness was his confusion and frustration that Anne was not really in the conversation.  She was still working to control the situation — and therefore, him.

That was, as we say in the South, “gas on the fire.”  In a matter of 24 hours, Anne had managed to watch her husband go from being unhappy to living in an apartment across town.  In fact, in that same period, he had also made it very clear that any conversation with Anne was off-limits until she “stopped acting that way.”

Does any of this sound familiar?  Perhaps you have made the same mistakes.  Perhaps you find yourself still stuck.

Here is the overarching mistake that Anne made:  she was reacting out of fear.  Whenever we move from fear, we are in deep trouble.  Almost always, our reaction makes things worse.  In a panic, our insecure and threatened brain takes over, and off we run into deeper trouble.

Fear is never the best lead for our reaction.  But we have to have an alternative.  You want to make a plan on how you are going to rebuild your marriage.  You do NOT want to be running on emotion.  It will end up just like Anne.  Now, Anne and I are working on her plan, trying to rebuild the relationship 1 step at a time.  While Anne made mistakes and raised the barrier to saving her marriage, I think we can work through it — IF she can stop giving into her fear.  Notice, I did not say she needed to stop being afraid.

It is normal to have the emotions.  It is simply not helpful to react from that emotional spot.  As my wife tells her clients, “Consult your plan, not your emotions.”

Ready to make a plan?  Click here to get the resources you need to know how to save your marriage.

“It shouldn’t be this hard”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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how to save your marriageI had heard that line many times before.  She was just the next client to tell me this.  It was her justification for ending the relationship.

“Brenda” was distraught, only 6 years into her marriage.  Their love was so strong in the beginning.  It seemed they were perfect for each other.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, things began to shift.  Both Brenda and “Richard” worked hard, in demanding jobs.  And both had hobbies they loved.

Richard biked, and if you know bikers, he was nearly obsessed.  On the weekends, the road bike and he spent three to five hours zipping through the countryside.  Richard did century rides on a regular basis, pedaling 100 miles at a stretch.

Brenda was a bit more meditative.  She loved yoga, and spent many sunrises on the mat, saluting the sun.

Together, things seemed to be coming apart.  Conversations turned to arguments.  Arguments turned to silence.  Physical touch disappeared, and passion waned.

When they did try to reconnect, they repeated the cycle.  One or the other was ready, but the timing was off for the other.  Saturday mornings, Brenda sought out Richard, only to find his bike gone and he with it.

Other mornings, Richard brewed coffee for two, only to see Brenda heading out with her mat and water bottle.

At the end of the frustration, Brenda wandered into my office, convinced that they had made a mistake and were not “right” for each other.  “Right?” I inquired.  “Yes, we are just not a good fit.  If we were,” said Brenda, continuing with the phrase I so dislike, “it would not be this hard.”

Hmmm.  How did we get to this point?  Why do we assume that a relationship is wrong (or at least “not right”) if it is difficult?  Why is “easy” a sign of something being “right”?

I wondered this aloud, and got a quizzical expression from Brenda.  It would appear that I had uttered nonsense.  And perhaps I had.  But it just didn’t make sense to me.

Several years back, I was out of shape, in poor health, eating junk, and on the verge of a health crisis.  I was fortunate that the crisis passed, and I heard the wake-up call.

I started exercising, tried to eat better, and worked to improve myself.

And guess what?  IT WAS EXCRUCIATING!  I would exercise (which was hard) and then be in pain from exercising (which was harder).  I had to force myself to get up and do it again.

Foods I loved were deemed “off limits” by me, and I had to change my eating patterns.  It may come as no surprise that fats and sugars are, well, de-lish!  Not good for me, but mighty tasty!

I had to rewire my taste buds and my habits.  I had to get beyond the difficult and keep trying.

This morning, I got up, drank down a mixture of greens and antioxidants, swallowed some supplements, and hit the basement for exercise.

You know what?  It was STILL difficult.  Not painful, but a challenge.  In fact, I can always tell when I am no longer growing and progressing — it isn’t a challenge!

Which brings me back to couples.  If the relationship is not a bit of a challenge, YOU ARE NOT DOING IT RIGHT!  You are pretending to relate.  You are hiding the tough spots.  And you will discover that when you need the strength that comes with challenge and it is not there.

The other side?  If your relationship is a challenge AND you keep at it, you will be rewarded.  You will have the skills it takes to make it through the tough times together.  You will have the honesty of knowing that you have each others’ backs.

. . . But ONLY if you both commit to sticking with it, not looking for the easy way out, and NOT saying “this is too hard.”  If you tell me “this is tough,” I will agree.  Any intimate relationship is.  Just don’t tell me it shouldn’t be so hard.  That is a lie we tell ourselves before we give up.

 

When you are ready, grab my Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE!

Another Trip Around The Sun!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., How To Save Your MarriageWell, yet another year has rolled by.  I am staring at my 47th anniversary of joining this world.  What a journey it has been (and one I hope is long from ending!).

Like everyone, there have been ups and downs, lessons and blessings.  Through it all, I can only hope that I have learned and loved, and perhaps helped the world a bit.

As I look forward, those are my same hopes:  to learn and love, and to leave the world a little better.

While I struggle with words like “fortunate,” “blessed,” or “lucky,” it has been a great life so far.  I have loved and been loved, found a wonderful soulmate to grow with, and have great children that will contribute to our world.

Along the way, I have learned some lessons.  And being human, I keep having to relearn those lessons.  But briefly, here they are:

1) It ain’t about me!

This one has multiple meanings.  First, when I feel hurt, I work to remind myself that it is likely not personal.  Something is going on with the other person.  Because in the end, we are all primarily about ourselves.

Which brings me to the second part of that phrase.  The world is way bigger than me.  Waiting for the world to come to me has always been a waste.  Waiting for the world is a never-ending wait.  Serving the world, being of service, is really what it is about.

2) Forgive, forgive, forgive.

For many years, I was under the wrong assumption that forgiveness somehow was for the other person, for the one that had (at least in my mind) wronged me.  But one day, I realized that not forgiving, or making forgiveness for the other person, left me with the baggage.  And that baggage, as it turned out, was always garbage.

I am more and more clear that forgiveness is so that I can move forward.  Sometimes, that includes reconciliation with the other person, so that we can move forward.  But the real power is in letting me move on.

3) Life is growth.  No growth, no life.

One of my favorite quotes is Ray Kroc:  “You are either green and growing or ripe and rotting.”

The longer I am around, the more I see I have to learn.  Learning and growing go hand-in-hand.  When I lose sight of this, I stagnate.  When I stagnate, I lose my direction, momentum, and meaning.

My goal is to always be looking for engagement in the world.  What makes me excited?  What gets me interested?  My goal is to keep my eyes on those things.

4) Struggles are not just a part of life, they are the fuel of growth.

Every struggle is an opportunity to grow and develop.  Just like building muscle takes stress on the body, building character takes struggle.  When we wish for no struggles, we set ourselves up to stop developing ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t think you have to go looking for struggles.  They are sure to come our way.  When we resist struggle, we resist the opportunity to grow and develop.

5) Live with meaning and purpose.

We can chase lots of shiny things in life.  But the North Star by which I navigate my direction is looking at what brings a sense of meaning and purpose in my life.  That does not guarantee that the shiny things will follow.

But shiny things will never replace the inner drive for meaning.  Oh, we try.  We often try to purchase happiness, but I am now more convinced that meaning and purpose are the two parts that deliver us to where we need to be.

My mission becomes the important navigator for my 2nd half of life.

6) Relationships are sustaining.

I have to admit, I was that kid who could play by himself for hours.  Ask my older brother.  It drove him crazy.  I could easily live in my imaginary world and entertain myself.  And in many ways, I have chosen fairly individual pursuits.

But that does not mean I don’t treasure relationships.  While I don’t have a huge group of friends around me, I do cherish the friendships that are there.  And I greatly treasure my family.  Time with family is satisfying and sustaining for me.  Time with my spouse is very important to me.

It balances the amount of time I spend in my professional life, working to provide information to help others to thrive.  That creation content tends to be fairly isolated and quiet.

7) My body is my vehicle, and I have to take care of it!

Okay, I have to admit, I was a bit late in figuring this one out.  I have come to realize that my body is my vehicle for doing all of the above.

Vehicles come in many different versions.  Some have their own problems.  And as far as our bodies are concerned, we get what we get.  Our only option is how we are going to take care of it.

My wakeup call came in 2002, when a health scare made me realize just how far off the mark I was.  I was overweight, out of shape, and not careful about the fuel I was putting in.  The doctor telling us that there was a 86% chance of permanent disability tends to wake one up.

I was fortunate, and I recovered.  It took well over 1/2 a year, and I can still feel pangs from that incident, but I am recovered.

In fact, I am probably in the best shape of my life.  I say “probably,” since we never know what is lurking just below the surface, deeper in our bodies.

Now, I exercise and am careful about the food I eat.  I enjoy food, but see the balance with it being good fuel.

I want my vehicle to last as long as possible, because there is so much to see, do, and be in this world.

 

There are LOTS of other lessons, but as I reflect on this moment, they stand out as the ones to which I return over and over.  My mission:  helping others to thrive, regardless of what life throws at them.

Where Is The Gap?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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In every relational problem, there is a gap.  And no, I am not referring to a store!

The gap is the space between where things are and where you want them to be.  The gap is between how things are and how they should be.  The gap is between how you see things and how your spouse sees things.  The gap is between any number of items.  But between each of these items, that gap leads to friction and disconnect.

Friction comes when the gap is not that large.  It rubs you against your spouse as you struggle to get on the same side.  Over time, though, the gap widens until there is disconnect and disillusionment.

Whenever I think about coaching, relationship or otherwise, I see the challenge as helping someone get from where they are to where they want to be.  And the way to do this is to note the places of being stuck.

So let me ask you, Where Are The Gaps?jumpthegap

This is not a theoretical question to assert there are gaps.  It is an exercise.  Sit down and make a list.

Note on one column where you are, and note in the other column of where your spouse is.  How far apart are you?

Note on one column where your marriage is.  In the other column, note where your marriage needs to be.  How far apart is it?

As you begin to clarify the gaps in your relationship, you can begin to see themes and directions.

When you are ready to take the next step in closing the gap, I invite you to grab the Save The Marriage System.

Spotting a Gorilla and Saving YOUR Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Have you taken the basketball challenge?  Did you try to count the number of times the ball was passed between people dressed in white and people dressed in black?  If you are one of the few that has not seen this story, spoiler alert!

In the experiment (you can see the YouTube video here), you are asked to keep track of the number of times the ball is passed between players with white and black t-shirts.  You have to really concentrate and be watching for the passes, then count them carefully!

gorillaandbasketballAfter it is over, you are asked if you noticed the gorilla that came on-screen.  Yep, a guy dressed in a gorilla suit comes into the middle of the players, beats his chest, looks at the camera, and makes his way off.  In the middle of the group.  In the open!

And yet, over 50% of people do not even notice the gorilla — and even insist it was not there — until proven wrong with a replay.

More recently, a researcher decided to see what would happen if you did the same thing with  professionals that are trained to notice small things.  The chosen “victims” for this research was radiologists.  They are the doctors trained to notice abnormalities in x-rays, MRI’s, CAT scans, etc. — highly trained professionals that know how to notice what should not be there!

The researcher placed a matchbook-sized image of an angry gorilla onto scan slides, sent them to the radiologists and asked them to take a look at the slides for malignancy.  Now this is important:  he gave them a target for which they should be looking.

In his research, 83% of the radiologists did NOT notice the matchbook-sized image!  And they are trained to notice and observe abnormalities.

I am not ragging on the radiologists.  For a number of years, I was a chaplain in hospital settings and I came to be amazed at the capacity for a radiologist to look at some amorphous shape and see pathology.  I have even had the experience of my CAT scan being viewed and pathology noted.  So, I have great respect for these professionals.

Here’s the thing:  we all suffer from this same malady.  Our mind gives us the subject for which we observe.  We often see what we expect to see — and according to this research, do not notice what we do not expect to see.  The term is “inattentional blindness.”

It is the reason why texting and driving do not mix.  When someone is texting and focused on that, their mind is no longer capable of seeing anything out of the ordinary on the road.  So, as long as there is no biker, jogger, dog, child, etc., in front of them, or a car that has suddenly stopped, they get away with doing both.  But one day, there is something there and they do not see it.

Back to my point, because as much as I hate seeing people messing with their phones and driving, that is not what this blog is about.  How does this apply to your marriage?

Let me tell you a story.  Last week, I was speaking with a couple in my office.  The woman told me a long story that highlighted how her husband had fallen short on being a good partner.  She noted what he had done — his actions.  At that point, it could have been a discussion of understanding.

But then, she told me WHY he had done what he did.  And it reflected some major character flaws and a very dysfunctional family in which he was raised.  In her mind, he was just short of needing some sort of heavy-duty rewiring.  I heard, though, several other more benign options that might be more about how the two of them dance around each other.

I suggested a couple of these other options.  She rejected them outright.  She had long ago made an unconscious decision on what she would focus upon.  Early in their relationship, she built theories on why he was the way he is.  Then, she set out to observe exactly what she had theorized.

From a scientific research perspective, her mistake was deciding on her theory, then looking for evidence to support it.  She rejected any evidence that challenged her beliefs.

Now let me be clear:  his actions were not always the best, and did not benefit the relationship at all times.  He COULD change his responses and they would be at a much better place.  And there really are times when we see someone for who they are.  That is true for all of us:  sometimes we act in less-than-optimal ways, and sometimes our observations are accurate.

But his actions came in a dance that was also affected by her actions.  Each created responses of action in the other.  And he also had his mistaken theories about her.

My point is this:  once we “decide” to see a certain pattern of behavior in our partner (and again, I do not think this is conscious, just destructive), we fail to see the other ways our partner acts.  When we decide that a spouse is unloving, and notice all the actions that prove it, we fail to notice the loving actions.

Inattention blindness tends to make our world much more uni-dimensional than it really is.  Our mind is simply attempting to deal with all the information coming at us, and takes a short-cut by trying to simplify things.  That is not so much the problem.

The problem is, we think our mind more infallible than it is.  As I say that, many will think they have a good grasp of this, and know they may not notice everything.  But they will then text while driving or continue to pigeon-hole a spouse.

Just maybe we would all be wise to hold a bit more of a “perhaps I am not entirely right” perspective when assuming why a spouse does what he or she does.

 

Perception is a huge part of my Save The Marriage System.  If you are ready to change your perceptions, I invite you to take a look here.

Marriage In Trouble: What To Do About Valentine’s Day!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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what to do about valentines day when your relationship is in trouble.When your relationship is in trouble, those dreaded days keep rolling around:  holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.  And the smack-daddy of them all is coming quickly:  Valentine’s Day!  THE day devoted to romance — even if romance is a distant memory in your relationship.

Even anniversaries usually create less anxiety.  You can always give a card.  But Valentine’s Day — is it your chance to win back your love, or duck-and-hide?

Let me suggest that neither strategy is a winning one.

Here is the problem:  ignoring the whole holiday only reinforces the feeling that you do not care; acting on the holiday reinforces the belief you “just don’t get it.”  I know, because I hear both responses.  It can feel like a “catch-22.”  Be accused of once again ignoring the relationship, or be accused of being clueless.

Let’s be clear, this is not one of those dates you can hope your spouse doesn’t remember.  The cards, candy and gifts came out sometime around December 26.  At best, January 2.  Red and pink, roses and balloons, are unavoidable.  Commercials and come-ons are everywhere.  So, no, you cannot avoid it.

Even if you and/or your spouse have made jokes about the “Hallmark-created” holiday, there is still that tiny romantic piece of everyone that knows the holiday is coming.  You may not like the way it is celebrated.  But it is still celebrated.  And whether your relationship is healthy or on the rocks, the date is noticed — as well as your response.

And in many situations, your spouse is half-watching to see what you WILL do.  So, let’s just agree that doing nothing is a losing strategy. . . unless your spouse said “you had better not do anything for Valentine’s Day.”  If your spouse says that, you do have your marching orders.  Otherwise, stick with me.

As you may already know I have my concerns about romance as the basis for marriage.  But to remind you, it is not that I am opposed to romance.  Only that romance is not the LEAD feeling of marriage.  It is the after-effect of connection.  And connection is the fuel of any marriage.

Here is the conundrum:  you want to make a connection, and culture has taught us that you must “romance” someone to get to that connection.  You have to make that chemistry click.  But your spouse may not be wanting to have that romantic gesture.  But your spouse DOES want connection.

How do I know?  Because we ALL want that connection.  It is biologically wired in us.  That connection may feel awkward between the two of you, but that does not negate the desire for a connection.  (Thus the fuel for many affairs!)

Which brings us to my point:  it is important to mark Valentine’s Day, BUT it should not be the goal to win back your spouse.  No grand gestures or fantasies of sweeping him/her off his/her feet and back into your arms.  Probably not gonna happen.  And it is more likely to backfire and cause more distance (contrary to those fantasies).

The opportunity is there, though, to build a little bridge of connection.  Capitalize on that.  Don’t fall for the romantic piece, but for the connection piece.  Some candy or flowers and a nice card would suffice.  The card should focus, not on romance, but on connection.  Read the card and look for one that speaks to being connected.  Ignore the sexual innuendos and double meanings.  Drop the overly sentimental and sappy.

Definitely steer clear of those cards dripping with romantic notes and pictures.  Definitely side-step the sexualized romance in many cards.

Instead, look for one that tells your spouse that you treasure the connection and the time you have shared.  If you can’t find that card, then get a fairly blank one and write it.  What you want your spouse to know is that he/she is still in your heart, even when those romantic feelings are missing.

You can always express your gratitude for the years of love you have shared.  (In fact, feel free to borrow that:  “I am so grateful for the years of love we have shared.”

NO “looking forward to many more/looking forward to future romance.”

Your expression is about the love and connection you have shared.  You can share a (not overly romantic) memory from your relationship — a time you two stood together, connected, working as a team.

To repeat myself:  a simple card that expresses gratitude for the years of love you have already shared, with or without a token of love.  NOT 6 dozen (or even 3 dozen) roses.  But how about an arrangement of flowers she loves, his favorite candy, or something small that shows you really do get them.

Do remember:  there are two good things about Valentine’s Day when your marriage is in trouble:  February 15 will arrive, and dark chocolate is good for you!  Grab a piece, make your connection, then wait out the day.

Does Romance Kill Relationships?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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romance kill marriageI don’t know many who would doubt that the institution of marriage is in a crisis.  According to statistics, between 42% and 50% of marriages happening right now will end in divorce. Statistics about affairs are a little more shaky.  Conservative estimates place the number at about a quarter of people will have an affair by age 52. Less conservative estimates tag the number at 60% of men and 40% of women will have an affair during their lifetime.

Just 80 years ago, only 1 in 6 marriages ended in divorce. Marriages are now over 3 times as likely to fail.  So, what is the problem?

I am unwilling to place all the blame on romance, but I do believe there has been a significant shift in the meaning of marriage.  We have become an overly-sexualized and –romanticized society.

Don’t get me wrong.  There is a place for sexuality and romance, but not the role given today. The existence is not the issue, but the predominance.  The cart is, indeed, before the horse.

I spend my days working with couples and reflecting on marriage. What stands out to me is the many times I have heard a phrase like these:

“I just don’t feel the way I should feel.”

“I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you.”

“I’ve lost the spark, and I can’t get it back.”

“I feel like we are just roommates.”

The common thread in all is that something is missing, the romantic feelings, the chemistry of a relationship. And many people assume that once these feelings are gone, there is proof that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

Let me say this one more time, to be clear:  I am not against romance. I am not against chemistry. I think these are crucial elements in successful marriages.  But to make them the measuring stick of a marriage is extremely dangerous.

Here’s why:  the chemistry between a couple — the desire to be romantic, ebbs and flows in the natural rhythm of a relationship.  Couples naturally feel more and less intimate at different points in a relationship.

Many people can’t understand why that intense chemistry cannot continue throughout a relationship. They think the flame is dying — the marriage is in trouble. But recent research shows how right we are when we say “madly in love.”  The same parts of the brain that are overly stimulated in psychosis are likewise stimulated during the infatuation period of a relationship.

We experience an intense cascade of emotions and chemical reactions that create desire to be close. But when we spend our days thinking about the other person, yearning to be in that person’s arms, scheming of how to show our undying love,  then normal life is just about impossible.

The strong feelings of infatuation have to cool to a more manageable level.  But because of the strong messages we get from movies, books, magazines, songs, and self-help resources, we believe that our relationships should always be “hot and passionate.” We are either breathless or something’s wrong.

We need a different paradigm.  We need to recalculate and make sure what we expect is both sustainable and healthy.

So, here’s the truth:  romance and passion naturally emerge from healthy relationships. When couples are loving toward each other, when couples meet each other’s needs, passion is a natural by-product. Romance becomes the desire to show the passion felt toward the other.  It is not something to be conjured at certain times. It is not something we do, but something that emerges from within us.

When people believe that the lack of passion means the relationship is fundamentally flawed miss the point that the real issue is establishing intimacy and connection.  That is a much more manageable task than trying to rekindle passion. Passion cannot be forced.  It is a natural by-product of the relationship that is being tended.

So the real task is to move from the opposite direction. Here are some simple suggestions:

Focus on connection. When we work on being with someone, spending time, learning about him or her, and nurturing a sense of being a team, we kindle intimacy.

Focus on doing loving things. When we do loving things, we create loving feelings.  Think of how a relationship naturally develops. We do nice things for someone else, and feel good about it.  They reciprocate and feel good. That, in turn, fuels our desire to do even more loving things, and the relationship grows.  Here, the importance is in consciously loving.  Part of commitment that is involved in marriage is doing loving things, sometimes when you don’t feel the emotion. This is a matter of separating doing loving from the emotion of loving.

Focus on caring for the other person. Often, when we feel that our needs are not getting met, we are quick to turn the focus to self, and we ask “what am I getting out of this.” But that is a problem. When both retreat, asking the question, the answer becomes obvious – nothing.  But if you keep moving toward the other, there is a chance to break through. It tends to be a growing back-and-forth of each becoming more giving. But someone has to start it.

Focus on accepting the other person. The things that attracted us sometimes become the things that drive us crazy. But part of what makes things interesting is that that other person is different than you.  Revel in that.  Find ways of relishing the difference, the idiosyncrasies of the other.  Make it your job to not only tolerate, but to truly treasure the differences.

Don’t let romance lead the way!  Love and commitment are the true engines. And when those engines are running, the rest will follow.

Great Quote on Love & Courage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Love, Courage, Save Your Marriage

What’s Normal In A Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Recently, a survey on sexual behavior in marriage was completed.  The results of that study are going to be part of a new book released next month, The Normal Bar.  I have no doubt, given the press, content, and media of this book, it will be a best seller.

We will all rush out, read through, and immediately start judging, “am I normal?”  That is, isn’t it, the way we look at ourselves.  We want a yardstick.  We want a measurement of what is normal.

And that is the way we were raised.  How did you fair in the race?  Where you the fastest, slowest, or in between?  How were your grades?  Better than your friends, the same, or worse?

Later, how is your salary?  Retirement savings? Health statistics?  All based on an idea of a norm.

And many times, the norm can help us understand where we are.  If I should have X dollars saved for retirement, and my peers have done that, it is some incentive to get busy.

But there are other areas where “the norm” does little to move us.  Relationships tend to be one of those areas.  And I, for one, am looking forward to seeing what the authors of The Normal Bar have to say.

In my years of being a therapist, I have had people who are married and have not had sex for decades.  Others tell me they have sex every single day (more on weekends!).  In other words, there is a wide continuum of sex frequency, not to mention sex variety.

So, as we look to the book for some “normalizing” of intimacy, we may want to remind ourselves that “norm” is not the same as “expected” or “acceptable, ” or even “OK.”  It may, however, become the basis of a conversation about what two people want and need from the relationship.

New Years Resolutions To Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The New Year.  A timNew Year, New Marriagee for reflecting and resolving.  A time to let go of what has been and look toward what could be.

My rational mind knows that in reality, it is just another day.  But my deeper soul sees something more profound.

And so, each year, I spend a good bit of the last part of the year in reflection of what has happened in the last year.  I look at the good and the bad.

But I don’t stop there.  I look forward to what potentials there are in the new year.  What could become?  What could develop?  What turns can I help my life make?

My family has a tradition of picking a single word.  That word represents what we want to live into.  It is a word that sums up our coming year as an overall theme.

One year, I knew it was going to be busy and that my energy would be pulled in many directions.  That year, I chose “breathe.”  I used that as a reminder to settle down, to be present, and to let the stress fall away.

That word appeared at the top of every day on my calendar that year.  And I practiced breathing, both metaphorically and physically.

My word this year remains a secret.  I will reveal it to my wife and children, but to nobody else — at least until I know I am living into it!

Let me encourage you to ponder your word for the year.  One single word.  It will represent what you are moving into.

That may be as much “resolving” as you wish to do.  But many want to have some specific resolutions, so I have a few suggestions.  These are suggestions for resolutions if you are struggling with your marriage.  They are powerful resolutions, though, that can be applied anywhere, in any life.

5 Resolutions to Help You Save Your Marriage

1)  Resolve to be growth-oriented.  See yourself as someone who is always in the process of becoming.  You are not static, unable to change.  You are not the “old dog,” unable to learn new tricks!

You are always growing and developing.  Resolve to notice it, embrace it, and pursue it.

Take up new hobbies and pursuits.  Become the better person you know you have hidden within you.  Challenge yourself to be on a path of improvement and betterment.

In her book, Mindset, Carol Dweck states that we can either have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset.  She notes that many of us have a fixed mindset in many areas of our lives.  We come to believe we cannot change, cannot learn, and that things are “just the way they are.”

That belief is fiction.

A growth mindset is the realization that you can grow and improve in any area in your life — if you choose to!

That does not mean you can be anything you want to be, but that you can be better at anything in which you want to improve.

Oh, and with relationships, when we say our relationship is stuck and cannot change, we have adopted a fixed mindset.  When we say the same about our spouse, we have placed them in a fixed mindset.

When, instead, we look for areas to learn and grow, the world opens before us.  New potentials appear.

Resolve to be oriented toward growth!

2)  Resolve to be expansive.  I believe we can either live contractively (based in fear) or expansively (based in possibility).  Be expansive.

That does not mean you will stop experiencing fear.  Only that you will choose to not be steered by fear.  You will not allow fear to constrict and contract your life.

Living expansively is not “living large” or “having a big head.”  In fact, people do both of those when they are living constrictive lives.  They are fearful of what others will think, so they compensate.  They give into the fear of “what others may think.”  They end up living lives that are reflections of what they only think others are thinking.

In other words, they reflect the false belief that people are watching and that what they see matters.

When we live expansively, suddenly we find new options and new creativity.  When we live expansively, the world sees our potentiality and begins to move with us, not against us.

Does that mean that life will suddenly be trouble-free?  No.  Only that we will not be adding to our own troubles.

In marriage, when we begin to be fearful of the reactions and/or rejections of our spouse, we live contractively.  When we are expansive, we are looking for more connection.

When we are living contractively, we are asking “what am I getting from this marriage?”  When we are living expansively, we are asking “how can I put more into this marriage?  How can I love my spouse more?”

Resolve to live more expansively!

3)  Resolve to show up.  Woody Allen said “Eighty percent of success is showing up.”  I think we underestimate what that means.  Showing up, really showing up, is being truly present.  It means bringing your own greatness into the moment.  (And yes, we all have greatness!)

Think of the difference between just being there and really showing up.  Think of the times when people are around you, but you are only partly there.  You are half-listening, looking at Facebook or texts on your phone.  You are looking through the mail or at the newspaper when your spouse or children are talking to you.

Showing up is when you are talking WITH them.  You are engaged and listening.  You are not either pretending to listen or waiting for your turn to respond.  You are engaged.

When you are showing up, you are truly engaged in the moment and with others.

What happened to a Facebook “friend” or in the newspaper is very hollow, compared to what happened to those that are with you and who love you.

A marriage in trouble often has two people who no longer really even show up with the spouse.  They are there, but not truly THERE.

So resolve to show up MORE in life this year!

4)  Resolve to take full responsibility.  Notice that I said “responsibility,” not “blame.”  Looking for blame is fairly useless and mostly unproductive.  But taking responsibility for life.  That is major.  Life changing.

If you are in a building that is on fire, if you stand around and ask, “who did this?  Who caused this fire?,” you are not likely to survive.  If, however, you say “I am taking full responsibility to get myself and anyone else I can out of here,” then the situation has drastically changed.

We live in a culture that is caught up in saying, “Not me.  I didn’t do this.  Someone else needs to fix it.”  We are surrounded by “It’s not my fault,” which then becomes “It’s not my responsibility.”  Look no further than Washington, DC, for proof of this.

Taking responsibility is about accepting that you have a role in making life better.  That no matter what has happened, you can determine where you end up.

Resolve to not blame yourself, but to take full responsibility for where your life leads!

5)  Resolve to forgive and let go.  Anne Lamott said “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”   And yet, we often decide to hold onto all that old baggage.  We decide to carry it around, regardless of what it does for us.
I truly believe that forgiveness is almost entirely for the benefit of the forgiver.

When I speak about forgiveness, I start having people list “unforgiveables.”  These are things for which someone should simply not be forgiven.  Often, the list includes things done to innocent children, but also includes murder and other grisly crimes.

I then point out that such an approach assumes the forgiveness is for the offender, not the forgiver.

It is too bad we have been infected by this belief.  Because I think this is what leads us to hold onto past hurts and perceived slights.  We decide to hold onto the pains and hurts, so the other person is not “let off the hook.”  So instead, we just drag around the pain and memories.

What happens next?  We start to blame.  Then we stop showing up.  Then we start living contractively.  And then we stop growing.

In other words, to do the other 4 resolutions, you also have to resolve to forgive.  Not for a single event, but as a belief in life.

Trust that forgiveness will release you and don’t worry that it might let the other person off the hook.  In reality, it just gets you off the hook.

Oh, and notice how many marriages are in trouble because people simply will not forget.  They commit to holding onto the hurts and slights that are a side-effect of living with another person in such intimacy.

Resolve to forgive more this year!

My hope for you this New Year is that you will find more and more of life in your life.  You will find more and more connections in your connections.

I wish you a grand New Year!

 

If you haven’t already, I invite you to grab my Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.