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Are You Going for 100%?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I was talking with a client last week.  He told me that he had a bad day.  And he was frustrated.

And he was more frustrated because he had a bad day.  This is a man that, for some time, had only had bad days.  No days where he felt good, that he felt his relationship was moving forward.

Trend Upward Save MarriageBut now, he was feeling better most days.  His relationship was, overall, “trending upward.”

Then he had a bump.  A tough day.  A day where he did not get where he wanted to.  He became frustrated.

It was bad enough that he was having a tough day.  But then to add to that, he was constantly chastising himself for having a bad day — leading to a worse day.  Which only allowed him to repeat the process.

Sound familiar?  It does to me, because I have seen myself do exactly the same thing.  How about you?

Do you have some internal expectation that life should be 100% A-OK?

Here is the problem:  whether in life or while you are trying to save your marriage, not every day is going to be great.  The truth is that the “upward trend” is really a wavy line.  There are up moments and down moments.

Days can be tough.

So, what can you do?

1)  Take a long-term view.  The trending can be upward, when viewed from a distance.  So you can look for the overall theme.

2)  Don’t allow a tough day to be multiplied by your thoughts.  Your mind can take you in very unhealthy directions, if you let it.  STOP those thoughts!

3)  You can stop those thoughts by first, picturing a stop sign in your mind, even as your mind is going off-path.  Second, mentally yell “STOP!”  Okay, if you are alone, you can even do it out-loud.  But if you are in a crowd, keep it in your mind!  🙂

4)  Look for ways to improve what is going on.  It is too easy to look for what is wrong and get paralyzed.  Instead, look for what is right and move in that direction.

5)  Take care of yourself!  The lower your resources, the less it takes to have you mentally taking a nose-dive.  Build up your resources.

6)  And this is the really big one!  Practice gratitude.  Focus on that for which you are thankful.  Focus on the good stuff!  This has been proven to actually shift your mind and rewire your brain.

Politics and Marriage: Lessons for EVERY Couple!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

It must be that time.  My mind drifts to politics — and usually to my exhaustion and disgust for the process.  Oh, don’t get me wrong.  I do believe we need a political process.  But, it is broken.  All that fighting.  All that looking at what is different.  All the ignoring of common grounds.

Both parties seem to ignore what the other one says.  Both pretend to have a corner on what is right.

Neither side seems to be able to make room to even contemplate the other side might have a point.

And forget working on compromises!  It is the “my way or the highway” approach.  And yet both sides need the other for balance.

Oh.  Did I mention that I am talking about the couples that come to my office for help with their marriage?

Sorry about that.  Sometimes, it seems that the couples are doing the same thing as the national political parties.

Just this morning, I listened for quite a while as each person let the other know what he/she had done wrong, how she/he should have done it, and why failure was eminent.

This morning, it was about parenting.  But it could have been about money, sex, religion, occupational choice, home choice, how the grass was cut, how the dinner was cooked, how the rug was vacuumed, etc., etc., etc.

After letting it go on a bit, I paused them and asked each to tell me what was RIGHT about what the other person had said.  That jolted them!

They had simply stopped considering this.  They were ready to tell me what was WRONG, not what was RIGHT.  But I pushed.

Then, sheepishly, the wife admitted “we agree on almost everything.  We really only have slight differences.”

I observed, “yet those slight differences have left you arguing for 20 minutes here, for over an hour last night, and my guess is lots more time over the years.”

Both were quiet.  But both agreed with me.

And that, to me, is the tragedy of politics, both household and national.  We spend so much time arguing our point, we refuse to listen — to REALLY listen — to the other side.  We make the other side into a caricature.  We pretend there is only one way, and OURS is it.  Even though we know, deep down inside, that this is a lie.

Perhaps it is human nature to do that, to argue and disagree.

But perhaps it is our capacity to rise above this that really shows our higher nature.

Working cooperatively.

It is a choice we have every single day.

Will we work for our common interests or just push against each other?

I constantly see the results of pushing against each other.

But just often enough for me to be optimistic, I see people rise above and work for the common good.

Your choice.  What will YOU choose today?

Wow! 24 years!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Today is an important day in my life.  24 years ago, my wife and I pledged our lives together.

I must admit, I had NO idea where the road of life would lead.  I had NO idea of what was coming.  I only knew that I wanted Kathy to spend that time with me, however it went.  And I wanted to do the same with her.

We pledged our lives together in good and bad days (we have had both), in rich and poor days (LOTS of the latter, but so rich in many ways!), sick and healthy days (and there have been both — some scary sick days).

We promised to protect our relationship, to treasure each other, and to love one another.

In the years since, I realized how little I knew what that meant, and how much I had to learn.  Fortunately, Kathy is patient.  My skull is thick, but I do eventually learn!

Today, 24 years later, I am so very thankful that Kathy has been by my side, and I have been by her side.  We have faced life together.

And I look forward to Many Many more!

Save Your Marriage Rule #10: Work On Yourself
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Save your marriage by looking in the mirror.Really, saving a marriage is a two-pronged process.

One is reconnecting the marriage.  We have spent a good bit of time talking about the rules of working on your relationship.  So let’s move to the second level.

Because the second prong of the process is working on and improving yourself.

At this point, you are saying one of two things to yourself.  You may be saying “absolutely, I need to make some changes!”

But more likely, you are thinking “why should I have to change?  What about my spouse?  Why doesn’t my spouse have to change?”

That is a fair question.  Just not helpful.  Would it be great if BOTH you and your spouse changes yourself?  Absolutely.

But you are the one that is here.  You are the one looking for help on how to save your relationship.

At a deeper level, though, a response that is about “why do I have to change?” also notes why we don’t change.  We are keeping score, looking at what the other needs to  do.

For myself, I am quick to acknowledge that there are always some areas I could improve.  There are always areas of growth and development.  In fact, some days, I am constantly tripping over the multitude of things I need to change about myself!

Part of what I see as the task of life is to always be growning and developing.  We ALL have places where we fall short.

So, just for a moment, if you are objecting to you having to change, let’s just set that aside.  Instead, see this as an opportunity to grow, to be a better person.

Which raises the question of why I think this is so important.

First, I have already stated my bias that life is about growth and development.  As Ray Kroc said, “you are either green and growing or ripe and rotting.”  I love that quote!

But second, in terms of the relationship, being a growing, changing, developing person is attractive.  Being stale and stagnant is, well, repulsive.

And in the process of moving from wherever your relationship is to having a deep and satisfying relationship, my guess is that one element that needs to shift is that attraction.  We all want our spouse to have that “in love” feeling toward us.  That is based, in part, on being attractive (not necessarily physically).

Time to head for the mirror!  Time to take a deep and long look into that mirror and ask “who do I need to become?”

One wrong answer:  “whatever my spouse wants me to be.”

Right answer:  “wow!  I know I need to address these areas in order to be a better person!”

In my System, I discuss boundaries.  Boundaries are ways you protect yourself.  A boundary is what you will not let someone else do to you, your marriage, or your family.

But there is a closely related term:  Standards.  Personal standards.

A standard is what you expect of yourself — the standard you hold.

For example, a standard may be “I am honest with everyone in all of my dealings.”

The space between where you are now and what your standard is, well that is your area of growth.

So, let’s start there.  What do you expect of yourself, but don’t currently measure up:
How you treat other people.
How you treat your own body.
How you interact with the world.
The attitude that you take toward life.
etc., etc., etc.

Then ask this: “what do I hear from my spouse/kids/friends on how I act that upsets them?”

Years ago, my sister-in-law (who was my brother’s girlfriend at that time) made an off-handed comment about my sarcastic sense of humor.  It was pointed and edgy.

I realized I did not want that to be my image.  I set out to change that.

My family will tell you, I can still be sarcastic/ironic/cynical for humor.  But it is nothing like it used to be!  And when I notice I am moving in that direction again (usually because I notice I hurt someone’s feelings), I know it is time for a mid-stream readjustment.

What areas do you hear from others where you need to change?

By now, if you are honest with yourself, you have the targets.  That is the starting point.

Time to work on those issues.

Don’t bite off more than you can chew, but start working on being the person you want to be.  Resist seeing it as all-or-nothing.  It is about growth.  Accept you will make mistakes and fall back into old patterns.

But over time, you will see that you are growing.  You are becoming who you need to be.  And guess what?  Those around you will see it, too.

Which brings us to a final point:  Do not TELL people how you have changed.  Don’t try to get them to see it.  Simply BE the change.  Let them experience you differently.  Let them discover you are different.  Then, they will know it is legitimate.

That’s it!  Those are the Top 10 Rules For Saving Your Marriage.  Are you ready to take the next step and really get going?  I invite you to grab my information by CLICKING HERE.

Save The Marriage Rule #9: Two Important Feelings
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Susan and Michael were sitting at the opposite sides of my couch, about as far apart as the arms of the couch would allow.  Each was a mirror of the other, arms and legs crossed tightly, feet bouncing nervously/angrily.  Each was looking toward the opposite direction.

It was one chilly moment!  I sat for a few moments, hoping one or the other would thaw the situation with a little verbal communication.  None was forthcoming.

I asked, “so, what brings you here?”

Silence.

I suggested, “therapy is tough when done in silence.”  (Ah, how astute I am!)

Silence.

I noted, “you both made the effort to be here.  Perhaps we could use the time in some way that would be helpful?”  (50 minutes of silence is a LONG time!  Trust me on that.)

Silence.

I was pondering what might actually get us somewhere when Susan said “he doesn’t love me.  He never has.  I have had enough rejection!”

Anger flashed across Michael’s face, and he responded “Rejected!?!  You reject me on a daily basis!  Every day, you show me you neither want me around nor need me!”

Susan quickly retorted “I feel the same way!”

I asked, “Michael, is that accurate?  Is Susan right that you don’t love her, that you want nothing to do with her?”

He spit back “Of course not!  I love Susan with all of my heart, but she is breaking it!”

“Susan,” I asked, “is Michael correct, that you don’t want or need him?”

“No,” said Susan, “but after so many times of being rejected, you finally stop trying!  I have learned to get along alone.”

How sad, I thought.  Both claim to love the other.  And neither feels it from the other.

But they had nailed the symptoms:  
1)  Feeling unwanted.
2)  Feeling unaccepted.

In the next few sessions, I helped Susan and Michael understand how important it is to get a spouse to feel those emotions.  Notice, I said “feel.”

If the emotions are there, but not felt, problems still arise.

What I mean is, even if you want your spouse and you accept your spouse, if he or she does not experience that, it is for nothing.

When I say “want,” I mean that in every sense:
“I want you physically.”
“I want you in my life.”
“I want to share my world with you.”

The opposite is to feel either unwanted or needed.  When someone feels unwanted, the rejection leads to a process of defensive disconnection.  It is simply too painful to feel that level of connection.

To feel needed creates a sense that the other person is needy, and not an equal.  It also raises the question of whether someone is wanted or simply needed.  That creates an equally yucky (not a clinical term) experience.

As important is the feeling of acceptance.  We all have a deep need to be accepted, to have someone love us as we are, in spite of our shortcomings.
“I accept you as you are.”
“I accept you as a growing, changing human being.”
“I accept you are not perfect, and neither am I.”

When someone is trying to get someone else to change, the sense of being accepted quickly vanishes.

Countless times, I have heard comments like:
“If he wasn’t so lazy, maybe he’d have a better job.”
“I am just trying to help my spouse be more stylish.”
“I am only saying that for their own good.”
. . . and many, many other ways of saying “my spouse is not acceptable.”

So, take a few moments and ask:
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel unwanted?”
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel needed?”
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel unaccepted?”

Work on changing those behaviors.

But then go to the next step.  Commit to making sure that your spouse feels wanted and accepted.

Then refuse to get sucked in to responding in kind, when you feel unwanted/needed or unaccepted.  Don’t decide to match how you perceive your spouse is acting.  Instead, act the way you know you should.

Oh, Michael and Susan?  They quickly discovered that both deeply loved the other.  Once they could talk about how they wanted each other, and showed acceptance, they discovered a depth of marriage they had never had before!

Powerful emotions, when we feel wanted and accepted.  Do that for your spouse!

Ready to get out of the viscious cycle?  CLICK HERE to discover how to transform your marriage!

Marriage Saving Rule #8: Stop the Arguing and Bickering
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Sometimes, I have someone contact me, or even have the couple in my office, telling me how desperate they are to save their marriage — but when I watch them, I am at a loss for why they would want to.

They constantly argue and bicker.  One says up, the other says down.  One says “blue,” the other claims it is “green.”

I often interrupt and ask, “is this how things are between the two of you?”

Often, they will pause in mid-spar, change their tone and say “yes, this is how it is.”

I can only wonder why they even want to work on things.  It just looks so painful.

And so unnecessary.

And utterly ridiculous.

And absolutely avoidable.

OK, not entirely avoidable, but probably 80 to 90% avoidable.

Every couple is going to have disagreements.  But at least make sure they are about something meaningful!  Make it worthwhile when you do have the arguments.

Otherwise, you are only eating away at your relationship (and the emotional health of each of you, and the children).

Study after study has shown that conflicted households lead to an array of problems, both physical and emotional.  And not just for the ones doing the arguing.  Other family members are also affected.

Sometimes, more so, as they have NO control over the situation.

And the conflict eats away at the relationship, eroding all positive feelings over time.

For the most part, arguing and bickering becomes just another habit for many couples.  In fact, many couples have said, “if we don’t argue, there will be no conversation.”

Really?  That is the choice?  Arguments or silence?

I have watched enough couples to know that is not the case.  Just the effect of letting conflict become a) habit and b) the norm.

Habits can be changed.  It does take time, effort, and knowledge.

So, let’s get started!

What to do:

1)  Marriage researcher, John Gottman, has noted the “Golden Ratio.”  He found that for a relationship to stay positive and move forward, the ratio of positive to negative interactions should be 5 to 1.  That means for every negative interaction, there needs to be 5 positive ones.

Examine your relationship, and take action if you think you do not meet that minimum ratio.  Remember, the more positive interactions versus negative, the better.

2)  Recognize arguments for what they are, worthless interactions (except those 10 to 20% that are about something important).

Arguments, in my definition, are “two people with two opinions, attempting to change the other person’s opinion, but unwilling to consider changing their own.”

In other words, even if it is about something important, we are generally unwilling to consider the other person’s opinion, anyway.  That means that even those important issues rarely shift.

We live in denial that someone is going to change their opinion, even when we are unwilling to make a change.

A friend of mine told me that really listening meant you had to listen so intently that you are willing to consider changing your mind.  Good advice that few of us follow.

3)  Note that arguments are often a symptom of power struggles in the relationship.  They point to yet another place where we are not on a team.

I don’t mean a heated discussion.  That can be all about working together.

But when you keep having the same argument over and over, take it as a sign you are working on a You/Me level, not a WE level.

4)  Conflict is also a symptom of disconnect.  When one, the other, or both feel disconnected, the pain of that leads to frustration.  Frustration leads to a build-up of negativity.

Negativity then leaks out as conflict and bickering — often about unrelated issues!

I hear the story on a regular basis:  one feels neglected, ignored, rejected, discounted, etc., by their spouse.  It begins to boil within, and then out comes the verbal jabs, the useless arguments, the hurtful words.  They are not about what is being said, but about the feeling of disconnection.

Reconnecting often causes the arguing to retreat.  Unfortunately, when you are arguing, you likely don’t feel like connecting.

Solution:  decide to reach out, anyway.  Decide to take a risk and reach across the anger.  You may be surprised to find someone feeling equally disconnected, but wanting to connect.

5)  And probably the most important one:  Seek to understand.

This is the antithesis of an argument.  Arguments are held as “Let me tell you the RIGHT way of seeing this.”

But seeking to understand assumes there is not just one way of viewing something.  There can be a number of ways and angles.

We all have a certain “paradigm,” a way of seeing the world, that colors our opinion.  Therefore, we are bound to see things differently.  Not necessarily right/wrong, but differently.

And this is not about agreeing with the other person.  It is about understanding where he/she is coming from.

I can more easily understand someone and how they view the world than to necessarily agree with someone.

And often, what we most crave is really to just be understood.  Not necessarily having someone agree.  But knowing we are understood.

Ready to stop the arguing, start the connecting?  CLICK HERE

Save Your Marriage Rule #7: Avoid Power Struggles
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

When I was a boy, I went off to summer camp in the mountains of Virginia.  My Mom would tell you I was not ready for summer camp and didn’t like it.

She would be, for the most part, correct.  Her reason would vary from mine, though.

My reason:  mid-week, in the middle of the night, one of my counselors is yelling to the other counselor who was sleeping in his tent with his boombox (yes, that long ago) turned up.  Finally, we boys ran out to check and see what was up, only to be told to freeze in our tracks.

Turns out the one counselor found himself trapped on the trail by a rattlesnake.  The snake wouldn’t move and the counselor couldn’t go a different way (did I tell you the camp was, well, rustic?).

We went to the tent and got the other counselor, and then were sent back to our tents to “sleep.”  We all had heard the rattling.  And we all knew that rattler had friends.  They had to be out there, somewhere!

In the morning, after we hiked down for breakfast, we got to go to the ranger station to visit our new “friend.”  In retrospect, he was probably 3 or 4 feet long, but I would have sworn him to be 10 feet long back then.

The rattler was not happy to be captive in a chicken-wire cage.  But we all enjoyed his ill-fortune.  I would step toward him, and watch him go from watchful to threatening.  His rattle would pop up.  The closer you got, the louder the sound.  Step away, he calmed down.

Step closer, he got riled up.

Step away, he calmed down.

What fun for a 12 year old!

And step very close, the snake would strike at you, hitting his nose on the chicken wire.  That nose was raw in no time.

In retrospect, I feel kinda sorry for the snake.  But back then, it was just good fun to rile him up.

And now I realize that the snake wasn’t even really angry.  Snakes are not capable of that emotion.  Threatened is what he felt.

Step close, threat was real.  Step away, threat was gone.

How, you might ask, does this possibly relate to marriage?

That same piece of brain that the snake has that reacts to threat, I have it in my head too.  And so do you.

Our brain is designed to alert us to danger.  Not just alert us, bu put our body on alert, ready for attack.

That piece of the brain is the deepest part of our brain, poetically named the “reptillian brain” or “r-complex.”

The reptillian brain is really only designed to keep us alive.  It is not social, does not care about collateral damage, and is set with a hair-pin trigger.

It takes nothing to set it off, and then takes its time calming down.  Think of the last time you were startled.  You feel the hit of adrenaline, and may still feel it 20 minutes later — even though the event that caused the reaction may have only been a few seconds (or less) in duration.

You have that piece in your head, and so does your spouse.  And that is where the trouble begin.  Two lizards, looking at each other, waiting for some possibility of a threat.

Head tilt, hands on hips, tone in voice, word choice.  It takes very little to get that part of th brain to put our systems on alert.  And when our systems go on alert, we get caught in the fight/flight/freeze response that you have probably heard of.

Problem is, there may not be a threat.  It may mean nothing.  Yet we respond as if it is.

Which brings us to power struggles.  We struggle for power so that we do not lose power.

I cannot tell you how many people have reported that they have no power, that the other person is in control — and I hear it from both, simultaneously.  Someone has to be in control, right?

But we are talking about perception, not reality.

Both perceive they are losing power and act to get it back.  And that starts off the power struggle.

You have been there, so I don’t really need to identify for you the places you and your spouse get caught in the struggle.  I will let you identify that for yourself.

But what do you do?

First, accept that part of you is in there.  Accept that there is that piece of your brain that is caught by the sense of threat.  Understand it is perception and not reality.

Second, affirm that you want to live as a WE, as a team.  You want to be connected.

Third, seek to always understand where your spouse is coming from (and don’t listen to the lizard that whispers “why doesn’t my spouse have to understand me?”  Lizards pretend to be about fairness.  But really, they want to win!). In the midst of talking, ask “can you help me understand how you see it that way?”  Ask politely.  Don’t make it a sarcastic statement.  Be sincere.

Fourth, recognize that a power struggle will not get either of you any closer to your goals.  So decide to work together.  Decide to join together to make it through life in better ways than either of you could do alone.

Fifth, be sympathetic that your spouse may still want to struggle.  We are raised on that!  It can take a while for the brain to re-wire away from it.  Give it time.  Be patient with your spouse, and with yourself!

Finally, power struggles are symptoms that point to places where you are still playig “you/me,” and not “WE.”  Use it to identify the areas where you can grow and develop the relationship.

If you are ready to stop the power struggles, grab the Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.

Sand Castles and Transitions
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

My daughter and I were building a sandcastle on the beach.  That would be a very typical scene in my life.  I always liked the feel of the sand, the ability to shape it into a castle, and ultimately watching the tide reclaim the sand.

That day, my daughter was about 4 years old.  She is 18 now.  My father was sitting with us.  I told my Dad, “this is a lesson in the impermanence of life.  You build.  It falls.  You build again.”

I was a chaplain at a hospital then.  I had seen many lessons in the impermanence of life.  Life was hellos and goodbyes.  I watched people come into this world and watched people leave this world.  I watched many leave the hospital, some recovered and some with their lives changed forever.

Change really is a central part of life, as much as we fight it, as much as we resist.  Change still sneaks in.  Life continues to move forward.

A few years later, I was in the kitchen, having just earned my SCUBA certification.  I commented to my wife, “I need to find a dive buddy.”  My darling 8 year-old daughter looked up in all earnestness and said “Daddy, you don’t have to look.  I’ll be your dive buddy.”

True to her word, 2 years later, as soon as she could, she got certified.  She has always been my little girl.

Which brings us to now.  For the first two days of this week, I spent it at college orientation for my daughter.  It is hard to believe we are just a couple of months from her launching into a whole new chapter in her life!

For 18 years, I have sought to protect her from harm.  Now, I have to send her into the world, to find her own way.  That takes some recalculations on my part.

Life keeps moving forward.

We can either embrace the changes or fight them.  Either way, the changes will come.

So what do we do when the transitions come our way?

First, we can acknowledge that grief is part of the process.  Even if it is a movement to something far greater, when we leave something behind, we feel the grief.

My daughter will be changing her status in our family.  She will be no less my daughter, but she will be adding on the fact that she steers her ship now.  She is the captain.

Second, we can either see it as a challenge — a learning experience, or we can see it as a crisis.

In reality, every experience and transition has something to teach us.  But only when we are ready to learn.  The nice thing is that if we are not quite ready, the lesson will wait.  But it will insist on being learned.

Third, we wait for the “new normal.”  It takes a little time to find our equilibrium.  Sometimes, we keep thinking that something must be wrong.

If we wait it out, we find what is on the other side.  We discover that normal returns.  It is a “new normal,” but it does become comfortable.

It’s like that new pair of shoes.  It rubs in all the wrong spots.  Until it molds and stretches to our unique foot.  Then it fits.  It starts feeling right.

Transitions make us uncomfortable, unless we wait them out and discover what is on the other side!

I could not be more proud of my daughter, and she could not be more ready to jump into this big world.

And I will get used to the new reality.

It just may take a little while!

Rule #6 To Save Your Marriage: Give Up on “What Should Be”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

What should a marriage be?  What should your spouse be like?  How should he/she treat you?  What should you have done to save your marriage?

Do you hear those questions float around in your heads?  They are all useless.

“Should” is a very dangerous world.  It is based in wishful thinking that never happens.

“I should go to the gym” is very different than “I am going to the gym.”  “I shouldn’t eat that dessert” is a far cry from “I am not going to eat that.”

Should and shouldn’t — useless.  Don’t use them.  Ever.  You really shouldn’t.  🙂

Why is it these words are so useless?  Because they are based in a part of the mind that is not convinced of any change.  It is a reflection of some thought in your mind that is not really even yours — something you should do.  It is external to what you will do.

Where does your idea of what a marriage “should” be come from?  It is not based on what your marriage is, so it is not based in reality.  It may be based on what you see or saw in your parents or grandparents, with friends, in a book, on a movie, or anywhere else.

But it is not based on what “is.”  Nor is it likely to be based on what is coming.

“We should have a better marriage” is not an action plan.  It is simply wishful thinking.  You may either hope for that, or chastise yourself and your spouse for not having it.  But it is not moving you toward it.

That does not mean that I think things cannot change. Quite the opposite.  I deeply believe in the capacity for change, growth and transformation.

It is just that people and situations will not change based on “should.”

In my office, on a daily basis, I hear the word “should” over and over.  “I should. . .” and “we should. . .” echo throughout the day.  Sometimes, I just count how many times I hear it.  Sometimes, I ask the person to restate it as “I will. . .” or “we will. . . .”  Interestingly, many people who say “should” are unable to say “will.”

“Will” is based in exactly that, our “will.”  It is based in action and direction.  It puts us on the hook.  We either have to act, or we have to admit we did not.  “Should” keeps us off the hook, even if the answer is “right.”

Is that voice in your head asking “so what should I do instead?”  See?  That word is so sneaky.

Let’s change it: “What could I do instead?”

I LOVE that change!  “Could” and “can” have potential.  Especially when followed with “this is what I will do.”

So let’s start with what “is.”

Where is your relationship right now?  Where are you starting from?  Be specific.  Accept that where you are is where you begin.

Think of it as the “present perfect.”  No, not a grammar lesson.  But a truth about life.  The present is perfect.

Not perfect, as in “without blemish,” but perfect in the sense that it exactly reflects the actions and circumstances that get us to here.  The present is a perfect reflection of where we have been.

Good and bad, it is a match of where we are.  That includes our relationship.  A marriage, at this instant, is a perfect reflection of all that has happened up until now.

If we ignore our spouse, it is strange to be surprised that our hurt and disconnected spouse reacts to that.

If we work to stay connected to each other, then a relationship that reflects connection and commitment is where we find ourselves.  The present reflects the path that got us to here.

Don’t like where you are?  Change the path!

Is your marriage disconnected?  Is your relationship conflicted?  Is your marriage out of balance?

Assess your role in this.  What have you done to contribute to the current situation?

If you say “nothing,” you have either married a sociopath, or you are ducking responsibility.  Oh, and if you answer “I married a sociopath,” then I have to ask, aren’t you responsible for doing that?

So, let me ask again, so you can reflect, what is your responsibility in where your relationship is now?

Accept that has been a part of what has gotten the relationship to where it is.  Not the whole.  There are two in this.

Another hard one to accept:  you have capacity to change only one part of the equation — you.  No need to start with “yes, but my spouse ______.”  That is especially true if the sentence continues with “my spouse should _________.”

Now, for a moment, imagine what your marriage could be about.  Not what it should be, but what it could be.  Similar, but not the same.  You see, could has potential.

Imagine that, and let’s start building toward that.

If you can’t figure out what it could be, please grab my Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.

Rule 5: Accept that You and Your Spouse See Things Differently
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Perspective. An important word. Your perspective is the position from which you view the world.

You formed your perspective over a lifetime. It starts with your genetic makeup, then your gender shapes it. Then your family experience shapes the foundations. Then, every experience you have in life either confirms or changes your perceptions and your perspective.

Is it any wonder that you and your spouse are going to see things differently?

As I point out the obvious, let me also point out how often we forget that little fact: we see things completely different than anyone else in the world.

We all have an individual psychological reality — we all have a unique way of seeing and understanding the world around us and the meaning of events that unfold.

The fact that we see things differently is really not the issue. The problem comes when we forget this is the case. We stop realizing we are seeing things differently and think that we are seeing things “the way they are.”

And when a spouse sees things differently, we become convinced that they are not seeing things accurately. This often leads to one of two actions:
1) Trying to correct their “incorrect” view,
2) Wondering what is wrong with us.

First, there is a difference between “incorrect” and “inaccurate.” We all have inaccurate views of reality. They may or may not be incorrect.

I perceive events from how they affect me. I view actions in their impact upon me. You do the same. So, we are going to arrive at very different views of the action.

More than that, we generally tell ourselves stories that put ourselves in the best light.

I will admit it, I like to be:
–the good guy,
–right,
–and consistent.
How about you? Do you want to be the same? I think most people do. So, when I do something that is not so nice, I am going to tell a story that excuses me. And I want to be right, so I am tempted to make sure the “evidence” backs me up. And I want to be consistent. So I look for ways that keep me thinking the same things about myself.

For example, if I believe myself honest and truthful, but then do something that is dishonest, I must find a way to justify that. Otherwise, I would have to change my self-perception. We humans don’t like to do that. We like to be consistent.

So what does this have to do with your marriage?

Simple. We most often forget that people see things differently when we are dealing with a spouse.

It is that assumption that “we are on the same page” that really gets us into trouble.

How many arguments are simply a reflection of a difference of viewpoint? Think of parenting differences. Sure, there are some “wrong” things that a parent could do. But there are far more that are simply differences of perspective and viewpoint.

Yet these differences can end up feeling like “right vs. wrong.” And that is where the problems arise. When we lose track of the fact that something is a difference of opinion, we label it a right versus wrong. And then the arguments deepen.

Or how about with money? For some, money means freedom. For others, money means security. Freedom is all about what money can do for enjoyment now: free to go out to dinner, free to go on vacation, free to buy clothes, etc. Security is all about preparing for uncertanties: insurance, retirement, investment, etc.

Both are correct. And both can be out of balance. And even if a couple both lean toward one end or the other, what is okay for being secure or for enjoying freedom can vary.

No surprise that couples often argue about parenting and finances. And when couples dig in that one person’s view is correct, and the other person’s view is wrong, the arguments are headed nowhere.

That does not mean that everything is alright. It does not mean that every parenting decision or financial decision is just a matter of perspective.

But that is true. It is a matter of perspective — even if the action is “dangerous.”

When couples are able to discuss what is behind the perspective, the couple has a chance of at least understanding each other. Not agreeing, but understanding.

Rule 5 may seem obvious, now that I mentionn it. But how often do you forget it? How often do you assume that either you see things just alike, or that you are seeing things correctly?

Both get us into trouble. Assume you are on the same page, and you will quickly see where you are not. You will quickly discover the many places where you are not just on different pages, but in different chapters.

Assume you are correct, and you a) miss how often your perceptions are limited and b) close yourself off to greater and better options.

As I noted in the first rule, marriage is about being a WE. But I also noted it is not about being in a “mind meld.” Two indivicuals, bringing together their perspectives, is much closer to “reality” than only one person’s views.

But only if you acknowledge this and decide you will learn from ach other, and you will seek to understand where your spouse is coming from.

Be open to the possibility that you and everyone else has a different view of reality.
Be open to the possibility that somoeone else’s perspective may actually be closer to reality.
Be willing to learn from the different viewpoint. You don’t have to agree to understand.
Be sure to explore why your spouse sees something differently. Remember, you are different people with different experiences. That guarantees the specifics of how you view the world will be different.