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Why Do We Drive Each Other Crazy?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Yesterday, I had the opportunity of talking with a couple that I may never see again. The reason I will never see them again is because they are not ready to make a change.

You see, they were caught in “ME mode.”What I mean by that is they were not even able to see outside of themselves. They were not able to see how they were getting in the way of the relationship. Each one pointing the finger at the other. In fact, every conversation quickly went back to “what’s wrong with you.”

I couldn’t see how they could make any changes because they were so caught up in seeing why the other person was wrong. They were never able to see why they were wrong. What a catastrophe! I couldn’t believe that we couldn’t go even 30 seconds without one pointing the finger at the other end telling me how right he or she was and how wrong the other person was!

You see, even therapist get frustrated sometimes! I played referee for an entire hour! At the end of the time, I suggested that each one needed to decide whether they wanted to really make any changes, or just point out the faults of the other person.

Sadly, this couple could probably fix their marriage with little effort… IF they were willing to see that each one had fault. I just needed a little room. I didn’t need any major changes. All that needed to happen was for one or the other to decide that it was not just the other person’s fault.

So why do we drive each other crazy? Why are marriages so difficult? Because we are rarely honest with our spouse. More than that, we are rarely honest with ourselves. Over time, everyone of us builds up resentments. Over time, few of us share our resentments. Each one may be very small, but if you add them up, you’ve created a tinderbox that leads to marital distress, frustration, and ignited of anger.

I am not suggesting that we have to tell our spouse everything that is on our mind. In fact, that would be quite destructive to the relationship. However, we often refuse to even tell the few things that could make a real difference in our marriage. In this case, the man simply wanted to feel like he was liked. Oddly, his wife did like him. She just didn’t express it in ways that he recognized. Tragic!

For her side, she kept waiting for him to tell her exactly what he was upset about. Why didn’t he? Because in his family, the rule of thumb was to not fight, not argue, and not tell what you wanted. Her family? They fought it out, argued it out, and told you exactly what they wanted.

Two different families, two different roles. And spouses the didn’t talk about it. In fact, didn’t even recognize it. Now, a marriage is about to end because both people think they are correct, and are definite that the other is wrong.

My advice? First, couples need to get in the habit of talking about the little difficulties. We wait until they build up, they suddenly become very personal, very painful, and almost always intractable.

Second, we humans are a lot like animals. At least in how we train each other. If behavior gives us something that we want, we keep doing it! For example, my dog is one big Labrador retriever. His head can easily rest on our table. Every now and then, my son lets a piece of cereal fall out of his bowl and onto his placemat. It only took a couple of times for my dog to realize that he got a treat as soon as my son left the table. Now, it is very hard to keep my dog away from the table.

When we humans get rewarded for “bad behavior,” in other words, when our painful actions towards others gets rewarded, we tend to repeat the behavior, even if it hurts the other person. In fact, we often fail to see that it hurts the other person.

Couples train each other in what behavior works and what behavior doesn’t work. Be careful in how you train your spouse. For example, with the couple I saw yesterday, when she pouted, he came to the rescue. But the difference between pouting and looking angry is very slight. Over time, her pout began to look like anger to him. From then on, she was pouting for attention, and he was feeling rejected.

Would either believe me if I told them about this? After about an hour of trying to convince them, I can tell you that neither one will believe what I’m saying. They have already made up their minds.

Third, one thing that is often missing in a marriage is our attempt to not just understand but to accept our spouse. All of us have our faults, and when we forget that, our spouse has a hard time living up to our expectations. Suddenly, all we can see are their faults.

So, the threat is in expecting perfection in our spouse, or seeing only fault. So here’s the conundrum: we want to be accepted for who we are, but we have a hard time offering that to our spouse. “ME mode”is probably the most destructive pattern in any marriage. When we get caught up in ourselves, we forget the other. Marriage is all about WE. Remember that, and you have increased the likelihood of success in your marriage a hundredfold.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
What Feeds An Extramarital Infatuation?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Yet another person sitting in my office, trying to explain why his marriage was doomed for failure, and his “new love” was right!

“Greg” is a good guy. He is successful, nice, well spoken. . . by all external accounts, he’s got it all. His wife of 18 years stays home and raises their two kids. Who would know that Greg is ready to “chuck it all,” as he told me?

You see, part of Greg’s job requires him to travel internationally. He loves the new places he gets to see, and for years, that has been the extent of his travels. But last year, Greg spent a good deal of time in Spain.

While there, he met someone. He didn’t mean to, but he did. They were working together and really hit it off. At first, she just offered to show him the sites of her town. Those afternoon trips eventually led to evening dinners. Soon, Greg was spending weekends touring Spain, but with his new “friend.” Eventually, they “crossed the line,” to use his euphemism. I would argue that a line was crossed WAY before then!

Now, Greg has a problem. He is back in the states, but his “heart is in Spain,” to tell it like he does. He finds himself thinking about this other person constantly. He told me “I hate to call it love, but that’s what it feels like.”

I don’t call it love. I call it infatuation. And Greg has fallen into a trap. It is a trap that is insipid and dangerous.

Affairs don’t just happen. And contrary to what some claim, it is not “just about the sex.” It is about the emotional and physical charge that is a part of infatuation.

I honestly don’t know if Greg’s marriage will survive this, not because it couldn’t but because Greg is lying to himself. . . and he doesn’t even know it!

Our brain plays tricks on us, and Greg’s is fooling him. We like to have everything “make sense,” even if from the outside, there is no sense to it. We like to find evidence that supports what we are doing. Social psychologists tell us that we, as humans, do not tolerate “cognitive dissonance” very well.

Cognitive dissonance is when we try to hold two mutually exclusive ideas in our heads at the same time. For example, pretty much everyone knows that smoking is bad for you. But people still smoke. A smoker has to hold two ideas, “smoking is bad” and “I like to smoke” in their head at the same time. To do this, smokers have to rationalize, look for “confirmation bias” (some piece of information that makes it OK, thank you Tobacco Industry!), or some other way of justification.

Greg is no different. His cognitive dissonance? “I am married,” and “I like this other person.” How will he solve this? Well, like many others who have been unfaithful, Greg relies on two justifications at the same time: “idealization” and “demonization/devaluation.”

First, idealization. Greg is idealizing this other person. Fact is, he is alone, in a beautiful and romantic location, and has no emotional baggage with this other person. That is a setup for problems. If nothing else, reality TV has demonstrated that strong feelings of attraction can be generated between people, given the right location and circumstances.

And Greg got sucked right into that one! He has idealized the other person so much that he has constructed an unrealistic picture of what life would be like with her. A life of sightseeing, sex in hotels, and seeing each other only at their best is not real life. It is not being tired after work, dealing with children, paying bills, seeing the mess someone leaves in the bathroom, or any other real encounter.

So, Greg has idealized this other person. He admits that. But it is harder to see that he as demonized and devalued his wife. Sure, they have disagreements. Welcome to 100% of married couples! But Greg has forgotten that. He now sees the disagreements of proof-positive that they are not meant for each other. Greg’s wife doesn’t meet all his needs. Again, welcome to marriage! But Greg takes the next step and begins to only see the faults. He fails to see the love his wife does show. He forgets about all the ways they have woven their lives together.

Once both sides are activated, idealization and demonization, recovering a marriage is very difficult. It requires complete and total cut-off from the other person (infatuation does go away). It also requires being open to seeing the love and connection that really are there.

Most of all, it requires commitment to work through the issues. That is what I am waiting for. Will Greg “step up to the plate” and honor his commitment, or will he continue to fool himself? Time will tell.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Revive To Thrive: New Video
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Been following my information on building a thriving marriage? Well, the third video is now up. Again, no obligation or requirements. Just good information to help you discover what keeps you from having a thriving marriage. . . and what to do about it!

Take a look at the video HERE!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Core Beliefs: Why We Struggle To Change
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Did you see my earlier post about my free video on changing your marriage by addressing your core beliefs? Well, that video created so much email that I made a second video. You can see the free marriage video here.

Here is an email I got yesterday (just one of about 100) about the video:

You wanted feedback? Well here is some:

My marriage has been in a state of crisis for almost a year, and I am trying to put it back together with a psychologist, who is copied.

I think your videos are freakin’ GREAT. I am an architect and I make decisions about how developers should spend millions of dollars based on building codes, market conditions, aesthetics, engineering considerations, etc., and I think I know a lot. But these videos are truly eye-opening, and may help me save my marriage, and the futures of 4 innocent young girls. Keep up the great work!

That was from Phil S.

Take a look! No obligation, no signup. Just go here and it will load and play.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
I’m Back From Paradise!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

OK, this post is more personal and less topical. You see, last week I spent a week away from the computer with my family. Being on the internet is an “everyday thing,” and for the past 7 years, my family has endured me carting my computer wherever we went.

That changed last week! We went on a cruise. And yes, the internet was available, but I a)didn’t want it, and b)didn’t want to pay for it. So, last week, we floated through the tropics, sans-internet! It was delightful. Let me show you a picture of Cozumel.

The ocean was beautiful, the temperatures were warm, and being with family was wonderful! We only had two days in-port. One day was in Progresso, Yucatan. We got to tour the oldest Mayan ruins in that area, Dzibilchaltún. Amazing! My son took a swim in the Ceynote there.

The next day, my son, my daughter and I went Scuba diving in Cozumel. Normally, I am stuck in North Carolina coastal or Florida panhandle waters. Not that I am complaining, but it doesn’t compare! We had +250 feet of visability! It was like swimming in a saltwater aquarium. Beautiful fish, and wonderful hosts. In case you are interested, we dove with Sand Dollar Sports! Excellent staff.

On either side of that, we had a day at sea. Not much to do but relax and hang out. It was quite a week of rest and fun for the family.

Thanks for letting me reminisce for a moment, as I am now shivering in near-freezing temps, waiting for some snowshowers!

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Marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Stop Reviving, Start Thriving: The Video
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

So, this is the place to let me know what you think about the video! Any suggestions, disagreements, kudos? Just comment!

If you haven’t seen the video, you can do so by CLICKING HERE!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Here is my Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage! This is a partial list of the mistakes I see people make when they want to save their marriage. Sometimes, it is best to learn from others’ mistakes, rather than make it yourself.

10) Do nothing! Don’t worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident, threat, etc.) will pass!

Ah, the old “bury your head in the sand approach!” The reality is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass. Let’s be honest: over time, this strategy builds up more and more resentment, then finally, everything falls apart. You can act surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down inside, that you ignored things way too long.

It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis. Rarely is there one “precipitating event” that suddenly ends the marriage. Instead, it is the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems ignored, which finally creates so much frustration that the “house of cards” falls.

So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!

9) Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!

When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to “figure it out!” One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein, “the same level of thinking that created the problem will not solve the problem.” In other words, when we only use the thought processes that led us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem.

We all get stuck in our thought patterns. Once we establish them, we don’t change much. Think about it: don’t all of your spousal arguments basically follow the same pattern. Doesn’t your daily routine pretty much go the same? We like “sameness,” and change is a bit of a threat. Even the painful sameness is better than the unknown — at least that’s what we tend to believe.

Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help and information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.

8) Grab some “free advice!” Hey, free is good, right?

Almost always, free advice is worth about that — nothing! When you are injured, do you seek out some “free advice” on that injury? Or when you need some legal advice, do you just get some “free advice?”

So why, when your most important relationship is on the line, would you just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a “transaction society.” We make trades and transactions to get what we don’t have. And knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away anything worthwhile.

The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you REALLY treasure your relationship? If I told you how to save $20,000 instantly, would you pay for it? Well, that is the minimal cash value of your failed marriage. In other words, a divorce in the U.S. averages $20K. Save your marriage, save $20K.

And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? What is the worth of that? Really, what price would you put on that? I ask because I know of plenty of people who think nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day, a couple of $3 packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. Then, when they go looking for advice to save their marriage, want to find some free advice.

It is always about value, and the value you place on your marriage. Free advice? Probably more costly than you can ever realize in the long run.

7) Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!

We authors don’t like to admit this, but statistics show that upwards of 80% of self-help books that are bought are never read. Imagine that! The answer may be right there! You took the time to get a resource, either because the cover looked nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were desperate.

Then, onto the bedside stand it goes, underneath the magazines, the daily paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.

The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck at the bottom of a stack, never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off the information and give it a read! At least give it a chance. You’ve already invested your money in it. Why not give it a test drive?

6) Read the information, but then don’t do anything! It won’t work in your situation, anyway!

OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . . but then you took no action! Maybe the information seemed impossible, far-fetched, too easy, too complicated, or just dead wrong! Now you do need to use your better judgement, but perhaps it is worth a try!

What you’ve been doing has clearly not gotten the results you wanted. So, perhaps it is time to try something new. Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign, unnatural. But it is really like anything new: repetition builds skill. What seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly, what seemed impossible seems elementary.

Again, remember Einstein’s quote. Doing what you’ve done hasn’t gotten you what you want. What’s the risk of trying something different?

5) Get bad information from unqualified sources. Hey, any information is better than no information. . . right?

As you have already discovered, there are lots of “experts” willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. Be sure your “expert” is really just that. At a minimum, make sure they actually have some training, not just their own experience! They don’t have to have a Ph.D., but if they can’t tell you about their training, other than “been there, done that,” move on!

Experts are experts because they have worked in the field, received training, and have some ideas on how to help you. The others are experts in marketing. Be sure and distinguish between the two.

Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also the “doctors?” They weren’t trained, caused lots of damage, but that was the only choice. Well, we don’t live in the “wild West” anymore, and there are plenty of real experts. Get their advice and avoid the damage of well-meaning but ill-equiped “experts.”

4) Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better. . . right?

Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too long, until one day someone wakes up and says “enough.” Then the other person jumps into high gear! They try to make “date nights,” meaningful conversations, do the housework, get another job. . . just about anything to make it work!

Instead, pick a couple of things. Be consistent with them, and try a slow approach. Building from zero takes some time. But if you try the “everything at once” approach, you will scare your spouse away.

3) Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!

This is a very common situation. You see, we all are master “scriptwriters,” often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our minds! We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging and pleading. Problem is, they are working off a different script.

If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling, their reflex is to pull back, matching power with power. It is no different in verbal tug-of-war. The harder I try to convince someone of something counter to what they have said, the reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in the belief.

So th
e arguing, “reasoning,” begging and pleading have the opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the relationship.

2) Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really about their “issue.” Then they will see how unhealthy they are!

Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is a) their midlife crisis, b) they are never satisfied, c) really about their dysfunctional family, c) some other diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

You may be dead-on! Problem is, you are not going to be seen as an objective provider of a diagnosis. Instead, you will only be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done, if at all, by an impartial, outside expert or by one’s self.

1) Try to prove how much you need them! Surely, just seeing they are needed will get them to stay!

Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to leave, feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel manipulated.

I’ve seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much they need the other person. I have seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc., etc., etc. And in every case, the person who wants out says “see?” It’s hard to argue with that. Being needy is never attractive, and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than to not be needed.

Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while trying to save it. I could go on for many more. I think I have seen every mistake possible.

My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think through what you are doing and how you are doing it as you try to save your marriage. There is little more noble or heroic in today’s society than trying to hold a relationship together. I just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not harmful ways.

So, what are your list? In other words, what mistakes have you made in your efforts to save your marriage?

More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Top Ten Reasons To Go Ahead And Divorce (NOT!)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Divorce. A big word and a big decision. One that many take too lightly. After 2 decades working to stop divorces, I have heard all the reasons people give — really the justifications. So here is my Top 10 List!

10) This just isn’t fun anymore!

Reality Check: “Fun” isn’t really what it is about, is it? There is no promise that times will be fun. In fact, I think the real question is “what can you learn from these tough times?”

Did you ever think about quitting that “parenting gig” because it wasn’t fun? OK, maybe in a fantasy, but not seriously. Or how about school? Did you stick with it to get where you wanted to?

Marriage can be tough. But for couples that actually work on making their marriage better, the tough times fall away. There will always be tough spots, but couples learn to better manage them — if they focus on improving the relationship.

9) He/She changed!

Reality Check: Thank goodness! We all change. Sometimes, the changes are more popular with those around us. Sometimes, we forget that we changed, too. In fact, what we really missed is that we change each other. The fact that change happened, that is part of the deal. Talking about the changes, good and bad, that is the sign of health and growth.

8) That toothpast, toilet seat, (fill in the blank) drives me crazy!

Reality Check: We all do things that drive others crazy. Marriage puts us into close proximity to those idiosyncracies — and therefore much more into the “crazy zone.” But really, is there no way around that? How about 2 tubes of toothpaste? How about figuring out a way around those issues? Are they really that big?

Oh, and isn’t it nice to be accepted for ourselves, crazy habits and all? It amazes me how often people want to be accepted, but forget that the other person really wants to be accepted, too! Work to accept, rather than judge.

7) We don’t have anything in common.

Reality Check: First, this can be changed. Any two people should be able to find SOMETHING in common. We are really all more alike than different. So look for the commonalities, not the differences.

Then, seek out some places of connection: vacation destinations (perhaps not your first choice, but still fun), hobbies, food styles. . . maybe the kids??? Really, I am just suggesting a shift in outlook, not necessarily a shift in anything else. I can either look for how my wife is different than me, or how we have commonalities. The choice is mine. . . if I choose it.

6) Our finances are driving me crazy!

Reality Check: The most commonly reported reason for marital discord is money. That is the symptom. The real issue is power: who controls the money, what priorities get funded, etc. Money is merely a tool. Use it to further life together.

Whenever power is an issue, the true connection of marriage hasn’t happened. So, time to shift the focus back to connection and away from money.

BIG Reality Check: Think you are fighting about money now? You haven’t seen anything, yet! Divorces attorneys ask for a retainer, usually $3 to $5K. That, my friend, is a downpayment! Double that, since there are two attorneys involved. Then double or triple it. The average divorce in America costs $20,000. Think you can do it for less? So have MANY others. Few succeed.

Oh, then you need to factor in the drop in your retirement to 1/2 of what it is. Then factor in the cost of maintaining 2 households. There is only one financial winner in a divorce: the attorneys.

5) The kids shouldn’t see us fighting!

Reality Check: Agreed! It is very unhealthy for children to grow up in conflicted homes. The constant stress creates a much higher diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder, clinical depression, and anxiety. Quite a price to pay!

But there is that other option of working on your marriage and making it a happy one! You may be teaching your child an important lesson: you don’t have to quit. Sometimes, you can work through tough times and come out better.

4) It won’t harm the kids!

Reality Check: This one fails the research, big time! At one point, some research indicated that children are not affected by divorce. That research has been shown to be flawed. No serious research shows children unaffected.

Think about it, you are tearing away everything a child knows as safety. Even if it has been conflicted, the family is still where a child finds security. Their entire world is turned upside down by divorce. How could that NOT affect them?

Would they recover? Sure, they will move forward. But the scars are permanent and lifelong. Don’t be fooled by those who quote bad research to justify the whole divorce industry.

3) We don’t love each other!

Reality Check: This usually means that the feelings of passion and attraction are missing. No surprise, since the majority of marriages do not nurture the relationship. If I quit exercising, become sedentary for a few years, then look down and am surprised to see little muscle and lots of fat, it would be wrong to use that as proof to not exercise! It is just a reality I have created by not taking care of myself.

The real answer is to get with a program of exercise. In marriage, it becomes about becoming intentional about nurturing the relationship. Will it be easy? No. Ever started an exercise program after being sedentary? Did you get sore? Did that mean you should stop?

The obvious answer is the soreness comes from the muscles not being used to the exercise, and the real solution is to keep exercising. Now, I can’t just jump in and run 20 miles after doing nothing. I have to build up. Same in a relationship. You start slowly and build up. . . and the feelings will return!

2) I didn’t sign up for this!

Reality Check: Likely, you did! Remember this?:
“For richer or poorer”
“In good times and bad”
“In sickness and health”

Not much left there, is it? Broke? Covered. Chronic or even terminal illness? Covered. Lots of tough days, no fun, no talking, lots of tension? Covered.

So are the up times — days of plenty, health and fun. We get too caught up in the negative times and lose our focus. A marriage vow is for life, and works when the relationship is nurtured (notice a common theme here?).

1) (Fill in with your reason)!

Reality Check: (Fill in with your own thoughts)

This is the most important to think about and evaluate, because it is your’s, the reason you are here. Challenge yourself. Think about your reasons, and see if you have built it up into fiction.

Final Word:

There are so many reasons people list for “having to divorce.” Most are fictional, just plain inaccurate. They are reasons we use to justify our decisions. But there are two reasons I find justifiable.

First, I do not think abusive relationships should be addressed by the abused. Abusive relationships are always about imbalances in power. But more than that, abuse usually escalates and sometimes becomes life-threatening. Safety outweighs working on the marriage.

Second, I believe that people who are involved in several affairs have a deeper issue that must be addressed before the marriage is addressed. In other words, if someone has had multiple affairs, he or she is unwilling to live within the marria
ge and the spouse must accept this reality, often by enforcing her or his boundaries — leaving the relationship.

Finally, if there is an addiction involved, this must first be addressed before anything can be addressed within the marriage. Otherwise, it will be a practice in a) futility and b) blame-shifting — the issue centers on the marriage, not on the addiction.

Other than those issues, I believe that marriages can be saved, divorce can be avoided. Healing is possible and connection is the result.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
We Create What We Believe!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Wow! What a morning! It really brought my understandings into focus. I met with three couples in three hours, all with the same basic problem: they were creating what they believed.

If you follow my work, you know that a central belief I hold is that we all have a paradigm, an understanding of the world. This paradigm helps us make sense of the world. We notice occasions and circumstances that validate our world, and we ignore occasions and circumstances that challenge our beliefs.

Now, I will take it one step further: we create our world to match our beliefs! We take an active role in making the world validate our beliefs. Believe you are unlovable? You will end up living your life in a way that causes you to be treated unlovably. More specifically, you will interpret events you create as proving you are unlovable.

I say the last sentence, because the person(s) making you feel unlovable are somehow living out their beliefs, too — causing you to validate their beliefs. This is powerful stuff! You can begin to understand your beliefs, then begin to see how you interpret others’ actions as validators of your beliefs.

This is not a claim that we purposely, consciously weave reality. Nor do I even think it is actually weaving and creating reality. Instead, it is on a deep, unconscious level. And it is about how we create and interpret the situations.

What do you believe? It is easy to see. Just look around you. You live in a world that reflects your beliefs.

More later.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Valentine’s Day: A Dangerous Idea?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:


Today is February 14th, Valentine’s Day for many (but not all) countries. The date originally commemorated a Catholic priest who was imprisoned for continuing to marry people, in spite of the emperor’s demands that there be no marriages (which limited those willing to be in the military).

Father Valentine continued to marry couples, quite a social disobedience, and one that was all about peace and love.

Fast forward a millennium, and we find ourselves today, worshiping romance and passion. Now, understand I have nothing against romance and passion. But I do have a problem in how we have elevated these feelings as the PRIMARY feelings of love.

Love is not romance and passion. Love is a verb, an action. It is committing to acting and being loving toward someone, regardless of how we feel. Jesus is reported to say “Love your enemies.” Most other religions have some similar commandment. And the definition of love is the issue. It is not a commandment to feeling warm and loving, but to act in loving ways.

Marriage is an agreement to make it through life, even when life gets tough and the relationship gets tougher, and to act lovingly. It is not an agreement to feel an endless amount of passion and romance. As one person told me recently, “life is not just one long, candlelit dinner.”

It isn’t possible. Those feelings are not sustainable. They ebb and flow. But when we judge the relationship based on whether the feelings are present or not, we are in for a letdown when the feelings are missing.

No, marriage is NOT about feeling passion and romance throughout life. It is deciding to act in loving ways. . .

But here is the thing: when we act in loving ways toward someone, the nice side-effect is we feel the passion and romance.

And I guess that really gets down to my issue. If we pursue passion and romance, we have nowhere to go when we don’t feel it. If we pursue acting lovingly, we have control of it, and the passion follows.

This Valentine’s Day, let’s celebrate the ideal of acting lovingly. Let us challenge the culture and make a decision to act in loving ways, not judging a relationship based on the absence or presence of a fickle emotion.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .