Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Here is my Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage! This is a partial list of the mistakes I see people make when they want to save their marriage. Sometimes, it is best to learn from others’ mistakes, rather than make it yourself.

10) Do nothing! Don’t worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident, threat, etc.) will pass!

Ah, the old “bury your head in the sand approach!” The reality is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass. Let’s be honest: over time, this strategy builds up more and more resentment, then finally, everything falls apart. You can act surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down inside, that you ignored things way too long.

It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis. Rarely is there one “precipitating event” that suddenly ends the marriage. Instead, it is the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems ignored, which finally creates so much frustration that the “house of cards” falls.

So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!

9) Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!

When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to “figure it out!” One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein, “the same level of thinking that created the problem will not solve the problem.” In other words, when we only use the thought processes that led us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem.

We all get stuck in our thought patterns. Once we establish them, we don’t change much. Think about it: don’t all of your spousal arguments basically follow the same pattern. Doesn’t your daily routine pretty much go the same? We like “sameness,” and change is a bit of a threat. Even the painful sameness is better than the unknown — at least that’s what we tend to believe.

Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help and information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.

8) Grab some “free advice!” Hey, free is good, right?

Almost always, free advice is worth about that — nothing! When you are injured, do you seek out some “free advice” on that injury? Or when you need some legal advice, do you just get some “free advice?”

So why, when your most important relationship is on the line, would you just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a “transaction society.” We make trades and transactions to get what we don’t have. And knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away anything worthwhile.

The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you REALLY treasure your relationship? If I told you how to save $20,000 instantly, would you pay for it? Well, that is the minimal cash value of your failed marriage. In other words, a divorce in the U.S. averages $20K. Save your marriage, save $20K.

And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? What is the worth of that? Really, what price would you put on that? I ask because I know of plenty of people who think nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day, a couple of $3 packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. Then, when they go looking for advice to save their marriage, want to find some free advice.

It is always about value, and the value you place on your marriage. Free advice? Probably more costly than you can ever realize in the long run.

7) Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!

We authors don’t like to admit this, but statistics show that upwards of 80% of self-help books that are bought are never read. Imagine that! The answer may be right there! You took the time to get a resource, either because the cover looked nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were desperate.

Then, onto the bedside stand it goes, underneath the magazines, the daily paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.

The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck at the bottom of a stack, never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off the information and give it a read! At least give it a chance. You’ve already invested your money in it. Why not give it a test drive?

6) Read the information, but then don’t do anything! It won’t work in your situation, anyway!

OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . . but then you took no action! Maybe the information seemed impossible, far-fetched, too easy, too complicated, or just dead wrong! Now you do need to use your better judgement, but perhaps it is worth a try!

What you’ve been doing has clearly not gotten the results you wanted. So, perhaps it is time to try something new. Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign, unnatural. But it is really like anything new: repetition builds skill. What seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly, what seemed impossible seems elementary.

Again, remember Einstein’s quote. Doing what you’ve done hasn’t gotten you what you want. What’s the risk of trying something different?

5) Get bad information from unqualified sources. Hey, any information is better than no information. . . right?

As you have already discovered, there are lots of “experts” willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. Be sure your “expert” is really just that. At a minimum, make sure they actually have some training, not just their own experience! They don’t have to have a Ph.D., but if they can’t tell you about their training, other than “been there, done that,” move on!

Experts are experts because they have worked in the field, received training, and have some ideas on how to help you. The others are experts in marketing. Be sure and distinguish between the two.

Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also the “doctors?” They weren’t trained, caused lots of damage, but that was the only choice. Well, we don’t live in the “wild West” anymore, and there are plenty of real experts. Get their advice and avoid the damage of well-meaning but ill-equiped “experts.”

4) Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better. . . right?

Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too long, until one day someone wakes up and says “enough.” Then the other person jumps into high gear! They try to make “date nights,” meaningful conversations, do the housework, get another job. . . just about anything to make it work!

Instead, pick a couple of things. Be consistent with them, and try a slow approach. Building from zero takes some time. But if you try the “everything at once” approach, you will scare your spouse away.

3) Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!

This is a very common situation. You see, we all are master “scriptwriters,” often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our minds! We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging and pleading. Problem is, they are working off a different script.

If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling, their reflex is to pull back, matching power with power. It is no different in verbal tug-of-war. The harder I try to convince someone of something counter to what they have said, the reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in the belief.

So th
e arguing, “reasoning,” begging and pleading have the opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the relationship.

2) Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really about their “issue.” Then they will see how unhealthy they are!

Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is a) their midlife crisis, b) they are never satisfied, c) really about their dysfunctional family, c) some other diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

You may be dead-on! Problem is, you are not going to be seen as an objective provider of a diagnosis. Instead, you will only be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done, if at all, by an impartial, outside expert or by one’s self.

1) Try to prove how much you need them! Surely, just seeing they are needed will get them to stay!

Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to leave, feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel manipulated.

I’ve seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much they need the other person. I have seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc., etc., etc. And in every case, the person who wants out says “see?” It’s hard to argue with that. Being needy is never attractive, and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than to not be needed.

Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while trying to save it. I could go on for many more. I think I have seen every mistake possible.

My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think through what you are doing and how you are doing it as you try to save your marriage. There is little more noble or heroic in today’s society than trying to hold a relationship together. I just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not harmful ways.

So, what are your list? In other words, what mistakes have you made in your efforts to save your marriage?


More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Top Ten Reasons To Go Ahead And Divorce (NOT!)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Divorce. A big word and a big decision. One that many take too lightly. After 2 decades working to stop divorces, I have heard all the reasons people give — really the justifications. So here is my Top 10 List!

10) This just isn’t fun anymore!

Reality Check: “Fun” isn’t really what it is about, is it? There is no promise that times will be fun. In fact, I think the real question is “what can you learn from these tough times?”

Did you ever think about quitting that “parenting gig” because it wasn’t fun? OK, maybe in a fantasy, but not seriously. Or how about school? Did you stick with it to get where you wanted to?

Marriage can be tough. But for couples that actually work on making their marriage better, the tough times fall away. There will always be tough spots, but couples learn to better manage them — if they focus on improving the relationship.

9) He/She changed!

Reality Check: Thank goodness! We all change. Sometimes, the changes are more popular with those around us. Sometimes, we forget that we changed, too. In fact, what we really missed is that we change each other. The fact that change happened, that is part of the deal. Talking about the changes, good and bad, that is the sign of health and growth.

8) That toothpast, toilet seat, (fill in the blank) drives me crazy!

Reality Check: We all do things that drive others crazy. Marriage puts us into close proximity to those idiosyncracies — and therefore much more into the “crazy zone.” But really, is there no way around that? How about 2 tubes of toothpaste? How about figuring out a way around those issues? Are they really that big?

Oh, and isn’t it nice to be accepted for ourselves, crazy habits and all? It amazes me how often people want to be accepted, but forget that the other person really wants to be accepted, too! Work to accept, rather than judge.

7) We don’t have anything in common.

Reality Check: First, this can be changed. Any two people should be able to find SOMETHING in common. We are really all more alike than different. So look for the commonalities, not the differences.

Then, seek out some places of connection: vacation destinations (perhaps not your first choice, but still fun), hobbies, food styles. . . maybe the kids??? Really, I am just suggesting a shift in outlook, not necessarily a shift in anything else. I can either look for how my wife is different than me, or how we have commonalities. The choice is mine. . . if I choose it.

6) Our finances are driving me crazy!

Reality Check: The most commonly reported reason for marital discord is money. That is the symptom. The real issue is power: who controls the money, what priorities get funded, etc. Money is merely a tool. Use it to further life together.

Whenever power is an issue, the true connection of marriage hasn’t happened. So, time to shift the focus back to connection and away from money.

BIG Reality Check: Think you are fighting about money now? You haven’t seen anything, yet! Divorces attorneys ask for a retainer, usually $3 to $5K. That, my friend, is a downpayment! Double that, since there are two attorneys involved. Then double or triple it. The average divorce in America costs $20,000. Think you can do it for less? So have MANY others. Few succeed.

Oh, then you need to factor in the drop in your retirement to 1/2 of what it is. Then factor in the cost of maintaining 2 households. There is only one financial winner in a divorce: the attorneys.

5) The kids shouldn’t see us fighting!

Reality Check: Agreed! It is very unhealthy for children to grow up in conflicted homes. The constant stress creates a much higher diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder, clinical depression, and anxiety. Quite a price to pay!

But there is that other option of working on your marriage and making it a happy one! You may be teaching your child an important lesson: you don’t have to quit. Sometimes, you can work through tough times and come out better.

4) It won’t harm the kids!

Reality Check: This one fails the research, big time! At one point, some research indicated that children are not affected by divorce. That research has been shown to be flawed. No serious research shows children unaffected.

Think about it, you are tearing away everything a child knows as safety. Even if it has been conflicted, the family is still where a child finds security. Their entire world is turned upside down by divorce. How could that NOT affect them?

Would they recover? Sure, they will move forward. But the scars are permanent and lifelong. Don’t be fooled by those who quote bad research to justify the whole divorce industry.

3) We don’t love each other!

Reality Check: This usually means that the feelings of passion and attraction are missing. No surprise, since the majority of marriages do not nurture the relationship. If I quit exercising, become sedentary for a few years, then look down and am surprised to see little muscle and lots of fat, it would be wrong to use that as proof to not exercise! It is just a reality I have created by not taking care of myself.

The real answer is to get with a program of exercise. In marriage, it becomes about becoming intentional about nurturing the relationship. Will it be easy? No. Ever started an exercise program after being sedentary? Did you get sore? Did that mean you should stop?

The obvious answer is the soreness comes from the muscles not being used to the exercise, and the real solution is to keep exercising. Now, I can’t just jump in and run 20 miles after doing nothing. I have to build up. Same in a relationship. You start slowly and build up. . . and the feelings will return!

2) I didn’t sign up for this!

Reality Check: Likely, you did! Remember this?:
“For richer or poorer”
“In good times and bad”
“In sickness and health”

Not much left there, is it? Broke? Covered. Chronic or even terminal illness? Covered. Lots of tough days, no fun, no talking, lots of tension? Covered.

So are the up times — days of plenty, health and fun. We get too caught up in the negative times and lose our focus. A marriage vow is for life, and works when the relationship is nurtured (notice a common theme here?).

1) (Fill in with your reason)!

Reality Check: (Fill in with your own thoughts)

This is the most important to think about and evaluate, because it is your’s, the reason you are here. Challenge yourself. Think about your reasons, and see if you have built it up into fiction.

Final Word:

There are so many reasons people list for “having to divorce.” Most are fictional, just plain inaccurate. They are reasons we use to justify our decisions. But there are two reasons I find justifiable.

First, I do not think abusive relationships should be addressed by the abused. Abusive relationships are always about imbalances in power. But more than that, abuse usually escalates and sometimes becomes life-threatening. Safety outweighs working on the marriage.

Second, I believe that people who are involved in several affairs have a deeper issue that must be addressed before the marriage is addressed. In other words, if someone has had multiple affairs, he or she is unwilling to live within the marria
ge and the spouse must accept this reality, often by enforcing her or his boundaries — leaving the relationship.

Finally, if there is an addiction involved, this must first be addressed before anything can be addressed within the marriage. Otherwise, it will be a practice in a) futility and b) blame-shifting — the issue centers on the marriage, not on the addiction.

Other than those issues, I believe that marriages can be saved, divorce can be avoided. Healing is possible and connection is the result.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

We Create What We Believe!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Wow! What a morning! It really brought my understandings into focus. I met with three couples in three hours, all with the same basic problem: they were creating what they believed.

If you follow my work, you know that a central belief I hold is that we all have a paradigm, an understanding of the world. This paradigm helps us make sense of the world. We notice occasions and circumstances that validate our world, and we ignore occasions and circumstances that challenge our beliefs.

Now, I will take it one step further: we create our world to match our beliefs! We take an active role in making the world validate our beliefs. Believe you are unlovable? You will end up living your life in a way that causes you to be treated unlovably. More specifically, you will interpret events you create as proving you are unlovable.

I say the last sentence, because the person(s) making you feel unlovable are somehow living out their beliefs, too — causing you to validate their beliefs. This is powerful stuff! You can begin to understand your beliefs, then begin to see how you interpret others’ actions as validators of your beliefs.

This is not a claim that we purposely, consciously weave reality. Nor do I even think it is actually weaving and creating reality. Instead, it is on a deep, unconscious level. And it is about how we create and interpret the situations.

What do you believe? It is easy to see. Just look around you. You live in a world that reflects your beliefs.

More later.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Valentine’s Day: A Dangerous Idea?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.


Today is February 14th, Valentine’s Day for many (but not all) countries. The date originally commemorated a Catholic priest who was imprisoned for continuing to marry people, in spite of the emperor’s demands that there be no marriages (which limited those willing to be in the military).

Father Valentine continued to marry couples, quite a social disobedience, and one that was all about peace and love.

Fast forward a millennium, and we find ourselves today, worshiping romance and passion. Now, understand I have nothing against romance and passion. But I do have a problem in how we have elevated these feelings as the PRIMARY feelings of love.

Love is not romance and passion. Love is a verb, an action. It is committing to acting and being loving toward someone, regardless of how we feel. Jesus is reported to say “Love your enemies.” Most other religions have some similar commandment. And the definition of love is the issue. It is not a commandment to feeling warm and loving, but to act in loving ways.

Marriage is an agreement to make it through life, even when life gets tough and the relationship gets tougher, and to act lovingly. It is not an agreement to feel an endless amount of passion and romance. As one person told me recently, “life is not just one long, candlelit dinner.”

It isn’t possible. Those feelings are not sustainable. They ebb and flow. But when we judge the relationship based on whether the feelings are present or not, we are in for a letdown when the feelings are missing.

No, marriage is NOT about feeling passion and romance throughout life. It is deciding to act in loving ways. . .

But here is the thing: when we act in loving ways toward someone, the nice side-effect is we feel the passion and romance.

And I guess that really gets down to my issue. If we pursue passion and romance, we have nowhere to go when we don’t feel it. If we pursue acting lovingly, we have control of it, and the passion follows.

This Valentine’s Day, let’s celebrate the ideal of acting lovingly. Let us challenge the culture and make a decision to act in loving ways, not judging a relationship based on the absence or presence of a fickle emotion.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

The Ice Storm Cometh! (And Taketh. . . Power!)
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

The week started like any other. The kids headed out for school on Monday, with a little snow on the ground. I worked on Monday, writing and consulting. Then Monday night came. And boy, did it come! We awoke Tuesday with ice coming down, well worse than ice — freezing rain.

The schools canceled classes early in the morning. We had already been awake to find that out. Then, at 7:10am, I heard my cell phone’s tone when the charger is disconnected — except I hadn’t unplugged it! Then I heard a series of pops from around the neighborhood. The ice had built up too much on the trees, and the branches were giving way. Then the powerlines were giving way. And now you know: we were in the dark!

There are hundreds of thousands without power. My family is just one of many. So, after thinking it through for a few hours (along with the power company telling everyone that it could be a week to 10 days until the power was restored), we took a few things and moved into my office. Fortunately, my office is located in an old house, so we have basic home furnishings. We are truly fortunate compared to the many that are in shelters.

Our house grows colder and colder. The days grow longer and longer. It was just a few short months ago that we lost power for 8 days when the remnants of Hurricane Ike came through town.

So, my daughter decided that maybe God was trying to teach us a lesson (don’t we all wonder when we are having tough times?). My wife said immediately, jokingly (sort of), “Yeah, God’s telling us to move!” My thoughtful daughter responded, “No, I think God is telling us we take too much for granted. We should be more grateful for what we have and should be thinking of others less fortunate!” Ah, my wise daughter.

Now, forget whether this is God teaching a lesson. The lesson is still true. We too easily get used to what we have, and take it for granted. Sometimes, tough times can remind us of this.

Tough times in marriage are no different. The struggles often make us appreciate the good times even more. Tough times pass. Tough people move through them.

For all those cold and in the dark, my thoughts and prayers are with you. For all those in difficulties, including marital difficulties, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am thankful for moments that remind me of this (even if I am also hoping for power SOON!).

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

How To Stop An Affair: A Starting Point
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How do you stop an affair? That is a frightening question for anyone in the midst of a marriage threatened by infidelity. Unfortunately, that places you in easily 1/4 of all marriages.

Yep, that’s right. The statistics show that 25% of marriages suffer an affair. And to be even more clear, the survey is focused on physical affairs.

The percentage suffering from an emotional affair is much higher. That would tell us that marriages are threatened by infidelity.

The major reason given by those who have affairs? For physical affairs, the reason given is sex. For emotional affairs, the reason given is attention.

In reality, the basis is the same. We all have a need to feel wanted, even desired. Unfortunately, this is one area that tends to fall to the side in marriages. Daily life take over the feelings of romance and passion that usually mark the beginnings of a relationship.

In fact, marriages that keep some energy on passion and connection have a much lower incident of infidelity. The need is met within the marriage.

So, what do you do if there is an affair? How do you stop an affair? Those are tough questions, and this article does not allow enough room to fully cover the issue. Let’s look at a few hints and helps.

1) Commit to working on the marriage. commit to staying together. I say “commit” because the feeling of betrayal can be so strong that you may only want to quit.

2) Focus on forgiving. This is a big topic! But to quickly put this in perspective, forgiveness is NOT giving permission. It is not letting someone “off the hook.” In fact, forgiveness is not even primarily for the other person. It is for you, so that you do not have to carry the pain around with you.

3) Take a look at where your marriage was before the affair. Had you lost contact with each other? Was the passionate part of your relationship gone? This will tell you what needs to change in order to get back on track.

4) Take responsibility for your role in where the relationship was. This is NOT taking responsibility for your spouse’s actions, but for where the marriage was.

To follow up on this, I often hear people say “I thought our marriage was fine. I don’t know why it happened.” But pushed a little harder, it is possible to find the disconnect, the lack of passion, the seeds of the affair.

Since you cannot control your spouse’s behavior, you can’t force him or her to stop the affair. But you can work to create a relationship you both would protect and treasure. That is the beginning point of how to stop an affair.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Midlife Crises and Affairs Go Hand-In-Hand
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

OK, I know the subject may seem obvious. All the stereotypes of midlife crises include an affair, new car, new job, extreme sports, maybe even plastic surgery!

Too bad because that misses the point of a midlife crisis. A mid life crisis is really about someone seeking meaning in life. Trying to figure out what to do that would bring meaning — that is the real issue. The reason: we all have a need for meaning in life, and the majority of people don’t really know how to find it.

This leads to the midlife marriage crisis. Often, this is made more complicated by an affair. Suddenly, the couple has to figure out how to resolve a midlife crisis and stop an affair. The mess is made worse.

Here’s the thing: an affair, sexual or emotional, is not going to help anyone through a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, because the seeking meaning is so hard to define, but the drive is so great, many people find themselves caught in a web of temptation.

It is a sense that the current marriage is not meaningful. But the real issue is that life is not meaningful. Finding meaning in life, not having an affair, is a healthy approach.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Two Feelings Necessary In A Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

There are two essential feelings necessary for a marriage to thrive or even survive. Notice I said feelings, not emotions. I think that word better describes what I am trying to communicate. I feel a certain way. That ties into an emotional response, but is still different.

I note these feelings for you as a way of considering how you are feeling, and to consider how your spouse may be feeling. At this point, I am suggesting these feelings, but am not going to be giving a great deal of answers. That is something I am still working on.

So the two feelings are

  1. Feeling wanted.
  2. Feeling accepted.

Feeling wanted would be in opposition to feeling a) needed or b) unwanted. And feeling accepted is in opposition to feeling rejected (its just that it is not quite so simple as that).

To take these in order: Feeling wanted. With this idea, I am referring to feeling wanted on a number of fronts. Am I wanted sexually? Does the person want to be with me? Does the person want to know me? Does the person want me to do better? These are just a few of the “wants.” You can add yours.

The opposite of feeling wanted is feeling unwanted or needed. Both of these feelings destroy a relationship. If I feel unwanted, then I begin to feel undesirable, unlovable, unworthy. This is especially true if it comes from someone I love. Feeling unwanted causes us to question our physical attractiveness, or mental capacity, our spiritual basis. All from a single feeling.

But just as destructive is the feeling of being needed. You see, someone can need me without wanting me. Or the feeling of being needed can lead to fears of losing one’s self to the other person. When someone needs me, it pulls at me to meet that person’s needs, regardless of what I might want.

What I am not saying: couples do depend on each other. That is the nature of marriage. So the more you weave your life together, the more you functionally rely on each other, and really need each other. But that is different than the feeling of being needed, really of neediness from a spouse.

So, two questions on this one:

  1. Do you feel wanted by your spouse?
  2. Does your spouse feel wanted by you?

Next feeling: the feeling of being accepted. This is one of the most basic emotional needs that we have, to be accepted and loved. While I believe that unconditional love is a goal, not a reality, this is sort of what I am referring to. Does my spouse accept me for who I am?

I am reminded of some wise advice I heard long ago, “when someones ‘I could love you if. . .,’ they already love you, they just want to change you.” Unfortunately, many marriages are built on people making a project out of their spouse. It may start before marriage, or it may start years into a marriage. But most spouses have a “wish list” of changes they would love in a spouse.

In the last week, I have heard about spouses that would be more loved if they: lost weight, got a better job, cleaned better, lasted longer during sex, had more sex, started an interesting hobby, dressed more stylishly, quit drinking, starting exercising, spoke more pleasantly, quit snoring, started going to church, helped more around the house, etc., etc.

Now my point is NOT that we cannot improve ourselves. My point is that when the pressure comes from outside of ourselves, we feel more defeated than empowered and we feel unaccepted (or rejected). When someone wants me to change, my feeling is not of being accepted but of being rejected. I do not feel like I am being helped to change, only that I am not accepted.

What this does NOT mean: we do not have to put up with any behavior, just to accept the other person. I don’t have to accept abuse, lying, criminal behavior, infidelity, and any number of other actions. So if we drop out all the “outliers,” and go with the more typical, then we are aiming at the same target.

Someone once said, after the husband made it clear that she needed to lose weight, “it’s not like I can’t see myself in the mirror! He acts like this is some revelation to me!” Fact is, most of us are aware of our shortcomings and imperfections. Having them pointed out is rarely constructive. Feeling accepted and loved, that is what we all need!

So again:

  1. Do you feel accepted?
  2. Does your spouse feel accepted?

Talk to me. Tell me what you think. Am I on target? Would you like to hear more on this subject? Do you disagree? Leave a comment and tell me what you think.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Why I Work To Save Marriages
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

On a daily basis, I get emails that are, well, less than polite. Most demand I give them my product for free, some doubt my sincerity. A few accuse my of being a con. As my wife noted years ago, “you have to have tougher skin than I to do this.” And in the years on the internet, I have developed some toughness. Still, at some point, anyone gets tired of emails. I do recognize that people write emails in ways they would never write or communicate otherwise. I take that into account. However, I decided I would be clear about this.

My name is Lee Baucom, and I am here to save marriages. That is it. I am not trying to become a millionaire off of other people’s pain. In fact, I live in the same house we have lived in for 10 years. I get up every day and go to work.

So, for anyone thinking that I am some “internet millionaire,” sitting on a beach and sipping cool drinks, please tell that to my bank account!

Some have accused me of being an opportunist. That certainly misses the fact that after 4 years of college, I attended almost 9 years of graduate school, along with 6 years of clinical training. My training was all about marriage and family therapy. This is a field I have worked in for almost 20 years.

Why, then, do I do this? Because I believe in marriage. I believe that marriages are the stability of society, the backbone of successful families. Whenever I hear people saying that divorce is not harmful to children, I know they are quoting research. But they fail to note that much of that research has been reexamined and found flawed and incorrect.

How can children not be affected when someone takes everything they have known about love and security, and torn it in half? And since I get to spend my days with people in pain, I hear about that pain on a daily basis.

Long ago, I decided we can either work to heal the deep wounds, or we can be preventative. And fixing marriages, saving a marriage, is preventative. Save a marriage, save a family.

However, I have never believed that you simply stay married to stay married. You stay married and build a marriage that is life-giving, loving, and supportive. It is not enough just to prevent a divorce, which is why I don’t call my program Stop The Divorce. I am out to save a marriage, make it something worth treasuring.

So why don’t I give away my information for free (actually, I do, with a free marriage ecourse)? Because generally speaking, you get what you pay for. And because there are many, many costs to provide this service (Google sends me a present every Christmas for all the money I pay them for advertising!).

The same people who accuse me of not giving away the information no doubt pay for a doctor’s services, an attorney’s services, maybe even an accountant’s services. That is the way our society works.

I am also aware the the cost of my information is far less than even a decent meal out, probably less than 1/2 the cost of most people’s cell phone bills, equal to maybe 10 drinks at Starbucks, a couple of six-packs of beer, far less than a month of cable — all to save a marriage! Really, I have begun to see it about 99% of the time being about priorities.

So I can promise you this: I am not getting rich off this. I do this because I believe in marriages. I am here to help people save their marriages. Care to join me?

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

New Year’s Resolutions For Your Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

I remember when I was back in school. At the end of each semester, I was so tired of that class, and just ready to move on. During college, it probably had something to do with being ready to leave behind the classes where I had maxed out my skips!

In any event, it was always nice to have a fresh start. I think that really is why we like New Year’s Day. It marks the start of something fresh.

And something fresh only becomes something useful when we are intentional. So, every year, I make a few resolutions. Not too many. Then, they don’t fall away. And I really try to keep them.

You are probably familiar with those resolutions that people make, then let fall away within a couple of weeks. The gyms are full on the 2nd, and empty by the 20th. My secret: I make sure I can see them everyday. I post them for myself to see, and remind myself of them.

This year, my resolutions are:
5) Focus on being more grateful.
4) Express that gratitude.
3) Avoid surrounding myself with negativity.
2) So that I can be more positive.
. . . and my biggy:
1) Finish my book on thriving!

Now, how about you? Specifically, what are your resolutions about your marriage? How will YOU be different during the next year to improve your marriage?

This is what I really like about resolutions — they can’t be about what someone else should do. And that is what we often get into when we think about marriage. We think about how our spouse ought to be different. A resolution puts it back into YOUR court! How will YOU be different?

Remember me back in school? I didn’t make it a fresh start by leaving school. I just made it a fresh start by taking another class, opening another chapter in life. I still had to deal with my grade-point average, so it was not just leaving everything behind. It was just a new start.

It is the same with your marriage resolution. Don’t think that your resolution is a fresh start without the marriage, without a past. Instead, make a mark in the sand. Decide you will move forward and leave what has happened behind. Move forward.

Some hints about your resolution:

  • Be specific.
  • Figure out how you will measure it.
  • Make sure it is about you.
  • Put it somewhere you will see it EVERY DAY!
  • Stick to it. Make it a habit.

So, what are your resolutions? Leave me a response, because when we commit in public, we are far more likely to stick with it. Write it down here. Tell us what YOU will do to make your marriage better in the coming year!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.