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The Rumor: I Am Who I Say I Am!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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OK, today I decided to make a personal response. I have read in several forums that there is a belief that I am the same person as several other ebook authors. In other words, there is a belief that I am a pseudonym.

Believe me when I tell you, I am not. I am Lee Baucom. That is the name my parents gave me, and I have never written anything on marriage under any other name.

Today, I read two posts, believing I was the same person as TW Jackson. That is the “author” of The Magic of Making Up, and the true author is Travis Sego, an internet marketer. So, some folks are correct in assuming there is a pseudonym in play. Trouble is, it ain’t me!

Let me show you a picture of me and my family.

What this points to is how cynical we all have become by what is on the internet. We have begun to doubt that anyone is who they say they are. I see it everyday, when you can make yourself into whatever image you wish online. Generally speaking, people can hide behind a facade.

I have worked hard to be transparent. I have a phone number on my website (502-802-4823, so call and see if it is not MY voicemail), and an address (4949 Brownsboro Rd., Suite 147, Louisville, KY 40222 — feel free to write). I can’t promise I can answer every phone call in person, or respond to every email or regular mail. But I can promise, I am Lee Baucom, and that is the only person I have ever been.

Just wanted to clear that up! Thanks for reading.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Baucom’s Wager
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What is Baucom’s wager? Glad you asked. But first, you get a short history/philosophy lesson. I promise it won’t be painful.

Back in the 1600’s, philosopher Blaise Pascal was struggling with the many topics that could not, at that time, be proven. He was pushing for people to use reason. Into that fray he stepped, trying to address belief in God. The obvious then is still the obvious: God remains unprovable (and undisprovable) by science. So, Pascal saw it as a matter of faith.

He proposed a wager that is now know as Pascal’s Wager. The wager is this “People should believe in God, as it makes reasonable sense. If you believe in God, and there is no God, you have lost nothing. If you believe in God, and there is God, you have gained everything. If you don’t believe in God, and there is God, you lose everything.” In essence, the only losing position was not believing in God, and finding that there is God. For Pascal, it was clear that it only made sense to believe in God.

Now, here is Baucom’s Wager. I apply it to whether or not you should work to save your marriage. Don’t worry, it is not about God, merely that I am borrowing Pascal’s frame. So, here is my Wager:

  • If you work on your marriage, and it cannot be saved, you have lost nothing.
  • If you work on your marriage and save it, you have gained your relationship.
  • If you do not work on your marriage, you have lost the relationship.

In essence, it is reasonable to work on the relationship. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Let me know what you think about my wager, and if you are ready to take the wager, you can grab my ebook and special reports.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Vote To Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Today, in the US, it is Election Day. By tomorrow morning, we will have a new president elected.

We talk a good bit about the responsibility and the right to vote, to let our voices be heard. Sometimes, especially when you are on the losing end of that decision, it can seem like a lesson in futility. So many voices shouting to be heard. So many voices not heard. But that is the nature of a democratic process. It is not the individual voices, but the combined individual voices that make a difference.

You may be wondering: what does this have to do with marriage? You see, I am not here to convince you to vote for a specific candidate, or even to vote in today’s elections (however, if you choose not to vote, you do give up your right to complain later).

My interest in this context is your marriage. You see, we vote in lots of ways every day. When we decide, for example, to work on our marriage, we have voted for the marriage. In fact, I have often used that analogy with couples struggling to decide on whether to stay married or not. Often, one will want to stay in the relationship, and the other is undecided. That feels like pressure on the one that is undecided, so I will note that the reality is this: one has voted, and we are waiting for the other to cast the deciding vote. In order to stay married, it requires an unanimous decision. One vote for and one against or two against end the marriage. One for and one undecided means we still have to wait for the final vote. Two votes for, and the marriage will survive.

As I see it, every day requires at least a tacit vote to be married. Sometimes, when we make that more conscious, we get better results. If, every day, we say, “I choose to be married. My vote is to stay married,” we are much better off.

May I invite you to cast your vote of “be married?” We will have to wait for your spouse’s vote.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
In These Uncertain Times. . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Wow, what a difference several months can make! We all knew that the economy was tough several months ago, but we never saw the depths we have gone to!

A recent American Psychological Association study showed that almost 3/4’s of people are worried about money. Debt is going through the roof, both on a national level and as individuals. And according to the same study, financial disagreements are at the top of the list for marital disagreements and divorces.

And that study was done before the floor fell out! Now, we watch in fear as banks struggle to survive. We watch as our home values plummet, and for those with variable rate mortgages, the payments go up. Less value, higher cost. That does sound like a recipe for stress!

In these times, it makes sense to find security and love from our spouse. Marriage should be a refuge from the storm, not merely another location of crisis.

I have heard from people who have told me that they are so exhausted by trying to keep their heads above water that they don’t have the time or resources to deal with the marriage. Wrong approach! This is the time to invest in the marriage. This is the time to dig in and hold on.

A previous post noted that not divorcing can save the average home $20,000, just in the first year. Over time, that number goes way up. The results of divorce include lost value in a home, the costs of maintaining two households, the reduction in retirement savings, and the liquidation of assets at the worst possible moment.

In recent days, we all have been reminded on how little control we have over our world. We can’t control the price of gas, can’t stop the stockmarket’s drop, can’t control the loss of credit, can’t stop our house value from plummeting, and can’t stop the worldwide crises.

But we do have some control on our little world in our home. We do have options on whether to provide shelter for each other in the storm. We have control on whether our marriage falls apart or not.

I heard a recent story about how many married women are going onto singles websites. There seems to be a group of bored people (not just women) who are not getting their needs met in marriage. The old reason was the “golf widow,” those who felt abandoned by partners hitting the golf course.

The new term is “downturn widow.” That describes someone who has lost time together with a spouse who is working harder, longer hours, and trying to stay above water. Imagine this shift! Before, it was a sense of being abandoned in favor of a pastime. Now, it is a feeling of abandonment because a spouse feels the need to put more effort into surviving. How tragic!

I am not saying that this describes the majority of people, but it does point to a current pulling society toward a sad conclusion: marriage is for the good times, not the bad times.

That is the sad part. In the good times, we should relish our marriage. In the bad times, we should seek shelter with each other.

Our world gets more and more unstable. Find stability in your small world!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
A Personal Note: 20 Years Of Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I have to pause and make a personal comment. You see, on August 13th, my wife and I celebrated 20 years of marriage! I tease that it was one hot day when we got married. It was in the mountains, but we really didn’t expect 90-some degrees, and since the stain-glass windows matched the bridesmaid’s dresses (hey, it was the ’80’s!), they were closed. . . many people thought I was tearful through the service as my father handed my a handkerchief. Actually, I was wiping sweat away!

Anyway, I was just thinking about those 20 years and the changes they have brought! We have two wonderful children, lots of experiences, and a great marriage. Some folks might say “oh, sure, you are a marriage expert.” But trust me when I say that your own marriage is a whole different creature than someone who is coming to you for help.

I firmly believe that 100% of marriages have difficulties. It is just the nature of being so intimately connected with someone else. You can’t go through too much life that closely connected without having conflicts and difficulties. But we have a commitment to get through those tough times. Marriage is about savoring the good times and working through the tough times, as a team.

Just the other day, we had a disagreement. During a lull in our discussion, my wife went downstairs. I soon followed, just to get another point on my side of the debate column. In the midst of my “making my point,” my wife looked at me and said, “look, we are in this for the long-haul. We have to work it out, and this doesn’t seem to be helping.” I agreed.

Several people have made this point, “you can be right or you can be happy, but you can’t be both.” When we opt for “right,” we end up in arguments that are rarely productive and usually about fairly trivial issues.

Marriage certainly is a challenge, but marriage is a challenge that leads to growth and change. It is like building muscle. If we don’t challenge our muscles, we don’t build any strength. When we opt to work through our struggles, we strengthen our marriage.

So here we are, twenty years later! Strange how we arbitrarily choose certain years as representative of mileposts in life. Twenty years is one of those years. But you see, I think a marriage is built day-by-day. Couples decide to work together each day, which add up to weeks, which add up to months, which add up to years.

In those years, we have been through financial struggles, professional struggles, transitions from graduate students to professionals, from childless to parents, had some health struggles, and more than our share of joys in all those areas. And through it all, what I am most thankful for is that I knew I had someone on my side, and I was on someone’s side. I am always aware of how much better it is to face the world together than alone.

My wife has supported me in many ventures, some that worked and others that failed. I have tried to do the same. My wife has loved me whether I was sick or well (and I am not fun to love when I am sick!). I have tried to do the same. Through it all, we are a team, and for that, I am most thankful!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Inertia and Momentum: Physics and Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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There are two laws of physics that seem to me to be important for a marriage: inertia and momentum. Don’t worry, I am no physicist. I can tell you what little I know, and why it matters to your marriage.

First is inertia. An object at rest remains at rest (unless a force acts upon it, but more on that later). And second is momentum. An object in motion remains in motion (unless a force acts upon it, and ditto about later). Oh, and momentum builds, when gravity is pulling.

But let me place this into the context of marriage. Really, there are two types of marriages: those caught by inertia and those catching momentum. Either marriages are moving forward or are stuck and falling apart.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard “I knew things weren’t that great, but I thought that at some point, we would get it back together.” Instead, the spouse announced that he or she was unhappy and was leaving. That marriage had been caught by inertia, stuck in one place.

Then there are marriages that seem to get better and better. They have found what works, and they are moving forward with it. Those marriages gain momentum.

Here’s the thing: moving from inertia to momentum is tough! Now we are onto that “force” issue. The laws of physics always use that phrase “unless a force acts upon it.” That is true in marriage. The relationship is caught by inertia. . . unless someone applies some force to it. A marriage that is moving ahead continues to move ahead. . . unless a force acts upon it.

If you have ever rowed a boat, you have experienced the movement from inertia to momentum. A boat that is still is at inertia. The first couple of pushes of the paddle are tough! The boat only slowly moves forward. But keep rowing, and the boat begins to move easier through the water. Rowing becomes easier, and the boat moves quicker. The boat has shifted from inertia to momentum.

So, let’s say that your marriage is at a point of inertia — stuck! You may take some action. You may do something to improve the situation. But it feels awkward, strange. It is met with resistance. Your spouse looks at you strangely, or asks what you are up to. Or simply says “too little, too late.”

Then, you say to yourself, “well, this isn’t going to work!” The laws of physics are in play. If you quit then, you didn’t do enough to overcome inertia. Keep acting. Keep trying. Keep looking for opportunities to connect.

Over time, the momentum begins to build. Then, one day, you notice you have just the marriage you have always wanted! All because of a little physics!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
The Stockdale Paradox and You
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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In his book, Good to Great, Jim Collins writes about how companies make the leap from being good (really mediocre) to great. He states that while he is writing about companies, he believes these principles apply across the spectrum: our personal lives, relationships, organizations, and work.

I was struck with the importance of one of his concepts: the Stockdale Paradox. He bases the principle on a conversation with former Prisoner of War, Jim Stockdale. In a conversation between the two, Stockdale notes that those who survived the concentration camps were those that truly believed that, in the end, they would prevail.

So, Collins asked about those who did not survive. In a surprising twist, Stockdale said “Oh, that’s easy! The optimists.” Collins asked, after some silence, for an explanation. Stockdale noted that optimists were looking for freedom by Christmas, then Easter, then the next Christmas, etc. In other words, their optimism was based on their being free by a certain point in time.

Stockdale said that those who believed that they would ultimately prevail, in this case be free, yet could take a brutally honest assessment of their current situation were the ones that survived.

To repeat, the survivors had two traits. First, they could be brutally honest with themselves about their current situation. At the same time, they truly believed that they would ultimately succeed.

As I read the section of the book, I was struck that this applied so directly to everyone’s life, not just a POW. I remember when I was very ill some years back. I did my research on my condition, knew the risks, but truly believed that I would ultimately be OK. When persons around me tried to get me to see that I would be incapacitated (looking at the same information I was), I would respond with “We’ll have to wait and see.”

Obviously, I did survive (and did recover). The point is not that my thought process saved my life. The point is that I could either give up, or move forward. Sometimes, that is IN SPITE of the current situation. I knew exactly what COULD happen, but I also believed I would be OK, regardless of what happened.

Now, can we apply this to a marriage crisis? Absolutely!

First, the brutal honesty about the current situation certainly applies. Many people are completely blind to the current crisis in their marriage. They are blissfully ignoring the fact that their marriage is in very real trouble, and seem completely caught off-guard when their spouse says that he or she is unhappy (and perhaps has been for years).

Or those who have a spouse that is in an affair for years, ignoring the mounting evidence.
Or those that have a spouse saying there is a problem, but burying their head, hoping that NOT dealing with it will somehow resolve the issue.

That is NOT being honest with the current situation. So, one application of the Stockdale Paradox is becoming clear about the truth of the current situation. Discussing the issues, asking if there is a problem, acknowledging things are not going well, all are applications of this.

Problem is many of us would rather live in denial. Not just in relationships, but in life. There is a myth that knowing is the danger. Not knowing is the danger. I met a person that literally had a tumor distending his stomach! It was visibly pushing out. I asked if he had seen a doctor. He told me that he didn’t want to, because he didn’t want to know what was wrong; he was scared to know!

I noted that whether he found out or not, something was happening in there. Having the information would not speed up whatever it was. I don’t know whether he will see the doctor, but I do know that dying blissfully ignorant is not better than living because something could be done.

Back to marriage: I don’t know how many times I think, as I am talking to a couple, “I wish you had come in a month/year/decade ago.” Sometimes, denial allows the potential for help erode away until the only solution is the death of the relationship.

The second aspect is equally important. Having a belief that you will ultimately prevail is crucial. You see, if you fall into the optimist’s trap of saying that everything will be OK by (fill in the blank), you will become discouraged when that does not come to pass. Marriages do not get into trouble overnight. They are not fixed overnight. Are you willing to see this as a long-term issue? Is this something you are willing to fix your eyes upon, and move relentlessly forward?

Those that maintain this approach are the ones who are successful in saving their marriage. The reason is very simple: when they could become discouraged by a seeming lack of progress, they still keep moving forward. When they get negative messages from a spouse, they do what the politicians do, they “stay on message.”

How are you doing on this paradox? If you are reading this, you may be fully aware of the current situation. It may be new to you, or you may have known for some time. Either way, knowing the facts (not the same as emotional conjecture) puts you one step toward resolution.

The second step is a daily discipline: staying positive and believing that you will be ultimately OK. This is a two-step process. One is believing that you will be ultimately successful in saving the marriage. Two is knowing that your spouse can decide differently, and you may not be able to stop the dissolution of the marriage, but in spite of that, you can still be OK.

Make the Stockdale Paradox YOUR paradox in marriage and in your daily life, and you will have a much more fruitful, even a “great” life!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
The Best Information Fails If. . . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I don’t understand it! I have been a member of my local YMCA for several months now, but I don’t see a difference in my muscle tone or my waist! It makes no sense to me.

Oh, and a friend of mine went to the doctor, found out he had high blood pressure. The doctor gave him a prescription. He also recommended several changes in his lifestyle. But to no avail! His blood pressure is still elevated. He is frustrated (which doesn’t help the pressure!)

Did I mention that I haven’t actually gone to the gym yet? I probably forgot to mention that. My friend? He hasn’t gotten the prescription filled, and he was telling me about his blood pressure over lunch (he was having one of those big, juicy cheeseburgers and a side of onion rings) that we crammed in between several tough meetings that day. . . .

I recently read a statistic that really bothered me as a writer: 95% of self-help books are never read. Of the 5% that are read, I wonder how many people actually take the information and implement it.

You are probably trying to find some useful information to help you with your marriage. The best information will be of no help if it is not implemented.

I don’t know how many times people have called me and said “I read your book, and it didn’t help at all.” I ask, “what did you do? What did you change?” They usually stutter and stammer a few moments, then admit that they read the material, but they did nothing to actually change anything.

So, if you are ready to change your marriage, don’t just become an information addict! Read the material, then implement it! Those two steps probably put you ahead of 99% of the population!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Can An Ebook Really Save A Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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That is such an interesting question: can a book or an ebook really save a marriage? The overwhelming answer is “yes, absolutely!” That is the short answer. The longer answer of how any book can save a marriage is little deeper.

First, most people think of “book or therapy” as the two options. “Should we go to therapy?” Or “should we grab that book?” Either/or is rarely a good position. Sometimes, it is “both/and.” In other words, if you are already in therapy, a book can give additional information that can be helpful.

That said, let’s be real: therapy isn’t that effective, according to research. Study after study shows the same thing, that marriage therapy is, by-and-large, ineffective. In fact, about 50% of couples that go to therapy divorce. That is about the same rate as the overall population. In other words, even for those that try to intervene, they are no more likely to stay married than those who did nothing!

More than that, between 8 and 10% of those who go to therapy say that it was helpful at all. That is the percentage that claim to have improved their marriage through therapy!

So, imagine this: you go to the doctor who tells you that you need to go through a procedure that has a 50% mortality rate, and only 10% improve. Who would sign up for that? Yet each year, a huge number of couples choose to undergo the procedure!

Why? Because we have been led to believe this is necessary to save a marriage in trouble. My experience is that a great deal of damage can be done in therapy. Couples tend to re-hash the painful experiences, but with no resolution. You see, the majority of couples therapists work just like they would with an individual (which isn’t always helpful for individuals). But when two people are telling stories about what is painful, it ends up being a fight. Right there, in front of the therapist! And the therapist watchs “to see how they interact.”

The couple needs tools! They need help in finding a new path! What has happened in the past has little to do with what can happen in the future! And that is the problem with couples therapy.

So, what about books? Books provide tools, new understandings, new strategies. In fact, the latest research in neuro-biology is that our brain needs a new understanding to create a new pattern. Talking about what has happened keeps us in the very old patterns that got us in trouble. New models and understandings change that.

And that is the power of a good book. It can provide new understandings by giving new information. Notice, I said a “good book.” There is a lot of information out there. Some is good, and some is useless.

So, the real question is, can a good book (or ebook) save a marriage? Absolutely! If you can’t get a spouse to see a therapist, he or she may read a book. And even if a spouse won’t read a book, you can take advantage of the information and change your perspective. If you change your perspective, you change the pattern. If you change the pattern, your spouse will have to respond differently. If you are responding differently and your spouse is responding differently, the marriage can change.

There is one major caveat here: Books are meant to be read! Buying a book or downloading an ebook will get you nowhere if you do not read it! There are estimates that up to 95% of self-help books are never fully read! So, if you want to judge a book or an ebook, recognize that you must read it. Second, any self-help book will be ineffective if you merely read it. You must read it, digest it, and put it into practice!

So, if you both read a book and act upon it, and the information is good, yes, you can save your marriage with a book (or ebook).

You may wonder why I keep saying “ebook.” It is because this is the format I have chosen for my information. Each month, my ebook is read by more couples than most therapists will see in a lifetime of practice. The reason is because the information is solid (it works) and because it is accessible.

Any time, day or night, you can get my information almost immediately. No waiting for Amazon to ship, no wasting gas getting to the store. Instead, there is immediate access to information when you are ready for it.

If you are ready, grab my ebook by CLICKING HERE!

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
How To Save More Than $20,000!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

You may be thinking: “what is this guy doing? He is all about staying married, and suddenly he is all about how to save money!” Well, bear with me for a minute. And remember what Ben Franklin said, “a penny saved is a penny earned.” So, if you follow this advice, you can basically write yourself a check for $20K. If that doesn’t grab your attention, I don’t know what would!

OK, to be honest, you may actually save less, but you MAY save WAY MORE! Are you interested? If I could tell you how to save $20K, therefore adding $20K to your worth, would you do it? I would!

Are you ready for the secret? Because I am giving it away for free.

Two sentences will reveal the secret: Stay married. Don’t get divorced.

The average cost of a divorce in the U.S. is now $20,000. That is the average legal expense and related costs, court fees, and loss of assets. It does not include the lost future earnings potentials, does not take into account the added expense of two households, does not get near the emotional costs to the spouses, children, or families. It does not address any of the collateral losses.

So, if you stay married, you have just saved at least $20,000.

I don’t really expect that too many people will opt to stay married purely on financial reasons. But this is one factor that tends to be completely overlooked. And no wonder! Attorneys would rather you not know this! An attorney’s job is based on that cost.

Now before you label me another person digging at attorneys, I do know many attorneys that try to get the couple to reconcile. But I also hear the stories where the client says “can we stop the process?” and the attorney pushes the client to keep going. I recognize that, just as I (a marriage therapist and preservationist) have a vested interest in helping to keep marriages together, attorneys have a vested interest in helping to take them apart.

So if your marriage is in trouble, write yourself a check for $20K, then figure out if your marriage can be saved. Ask yourself: “Have I done everything I can to get us back together? Have I done what I can to improve the relationship? Have I really worked to get back together?”

You see, I think our culture just takes divorce too lightly. We pretend that it solves problems. In reality, it creates many more problems than it solves. It increases human impact on the environment, impacts the children of divorce for a lifetime, creates painful emotional conflicts for the couple, destroys finances, divides the social circle of a family, and happens to almost 1 in 2 marriages.

I always reflect on the beginning of a marriage, the marriage vows. Usually, they amount to love, honoring, and respecting someone in good times or bad, sickness and health, poverty and wealth. There isn’t much left over after that! We have full control over the love, honoring and respecting as ways of relating when the things we can’t control (good, bad, sick, healthy, poor, wealthy) come our way.

By building a healthy marriage, you have just improved your finances by $20,000 or more. That may be enough rationale to give it a try!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .