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“Can MY Marriage Be Saved?”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Now we have the million-dollar question. If I could answer that, I would be wealthy. I’m not.

The reason this question is so important is because you really don’t care if marriages in general can be saved. You want to know about yours!

In fact, this is an incredibly complicated question. Plenty of marriage advice is out there, some helpful and some hurtful. But in the end, your marriage is where “the rubber hits the road.”

First, let me say that there are marriages that I believe should NOT be saved. Marriages that involve abuse are those marriages. When there is physical abuse, I cannot support working on the marriage. It is time for the abuser to get help on his or her own.

Unfortunately, abuse rarely ends, and almost always escalates, placing the abused at risk of injury and death. So, I draw a strong line there: abusive relationships are not ready for intervention.

Many people expect me to then place marriages where an affair occurs in the same category. I don’t. In fact, the majority of marriages that suffer an affair do survive. Since barely a majority of all marriages survive, most people are surprised by that. However, in a marriage where an affair occured, often, the marriage becomes stronger after the affair.

So, my belief is that the vast majority of marriages CAN be saved. That is not the same as WILL be saved. Unfortunately, people are stubborn creatures, often unwilling to make changes, forgive, or move forward. We end up “cutting off our noses to spite our faces,” as my mother used to say.

So, let’s ask this instead: should you try and save your marriage?

That is a much more manageable question, because it is actually in your control. You cannot MAKE your marriage stay together. As I often say, it takes two to make a marriage, but only one to take it apart.

While you can’t control what ultimately happens to the marriage, you can make a choice to work on the marriage. And I have never met someone, failed marriage or not, that is sorry he or she tried to save their marriage. When they have tried and failed, they can at least look in the mirror and be proud that they put forth the attempt.

It is easy and tempting to just give up and quit. But to make an effort, to work on the relationship, that is the challenge. As you work on your relationship, you are guaranteed to learn more about yourself and your strengths. As you read advice, you learn about relationships.

Your marriage MAY be saved. Your choice is only to do your part, to make the effort, so that wherever the relationship ends, you can feel good about where you are and who you are.

So change the question (“can it be saved” to “what can I do”) and you will come out much better.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
“What IS Up With The Secret Of Marriage?”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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That is the question I have been bombarded with! “What’s up with The Secret of Marriage?”

Let me tell you a little bit about what’s going on. First,some background:

Over the past 20 years, I have spent my career helping to save and improve marriages. I have spoken to numerous groups, written numerous articles, and have offered a best selling ebook(which you may already know about).

What you don’t know is that there has always been a burning question in my mind: What makes the difference between a failed marriage and a successful marriage?

Over the past few years, that question has burned even brighter. Slowly, I have begun to pull out some secrets to what makes the difference. These are secrets in the sense that when people in successful marriages stumble upon them, they haven’t
even realized it.

I realized one day (standing in the shower, if that is not too much information for you) that I needed to take that information and get it out.

You see, I was convinced that these secrets didn’t really want to be secrets. Some days, I wonder.

I worked on the project for some time. Then, one day, bad news: my hard drive crashed! Good news: I had a backup! Bad news: the files for this project were corrupted on my backup! Good news: they were able to salvage the data on my laptop. Bad news: that took several months! Good news: I had the info in my idea notebook that I always carry with me to jot observations and thoughts. Really bad news: one
day, in a torrential downpour, it fell out of my computer case. It stayed in the rain OVERNIGHT! (And ink really does become an unreadable mess!)

For a little bit, I thought the secret would remain just that. Then I was reading about Viktor Frankl, the holocaust survivor who wrote Man’s Search For Meaning. His life work, his manuscript, was taken from him and destroyed when he was sent
to a Concentration Camp.

Well, I resolved to get those secrets out. And they are almost ready to be out there.

On May 1, I will be releasing videos and audios that will reveal the secret(s) to marriage. You see, there is one major secret and 3 other secrets (all reinforcing each other) that will literally transform your relationship, and well,
your life!

Go take a look at The Secret Of Marriage.

If you haven’t already grabbed the free report about the Rules of Fair Fighting, you can do that while you are there. The link is in a post there.

The reason I haven’t already released the secrets? Simple. The videos are not yet ready. I finally decided to set a deadline and make it happen. May 1st seemed manageable!

Now, with LOTS of hours behind me, I’m not so sure how manageable it really was, but I WILL make it happen!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Who Was Right?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

I just walked in from the grocery store. My daughter and I went to pick up a few items. So tell me, who was right? Here’s what happened:

I was driving down the row, looking for a parking space. A woman was just finishing putting her groceries in her car — and it was the first space past the handicap spots! Primo parking! So, I stop and put on the blinker. Then I notice that a woman just about 2/3 back of my car, just at the bumper, was in reverse, and a car was waiting for her spot. So I pull up just a little bit, allowing the woman I am waiting for to pull out beyond me and go the other way. It also allowed the woman behind to pull past me and go the other way. So, imagine my surprise when the woman behind me pulls back and decides to go my way, and then pulls right up on my bumper. No problem. Surely, the woman in front will pull back, beside my car, and go the direction I am pointing. Nope. She wanted to go the reverse direction I was pointed, but couldn’t figure out how to turn her car sharp enough (she had plenty of room, in my opinion) to do it. So, she pulled out as far as she could without going sharp, looked at me, and wanted me to move backward. Problem was, there was a car on my rear bumper, preventing that. So, she went back into the parking space, made a couple of false attempts, and finally went the direction I was faced, but not before she rolled down her window and yelled some obscenities. She followed this by pulling around to the next row, pausing, and flipped me off. Quite a view for my daughter to take in.

So, who was right? I was, of course. But remember, you have only heard one view — mine. And I gave you the facts — mine. We didn’t hear from her, so I don’t know what she was perceiving.

What, you may ask, does this have to do with marriage? Well, unfortunately, life is very subjective. We all tell ourselves stories from our own perspective, usually the one that puts us in the best light. And that is the problem. We then re-enforce that view in our telling the story. No doubt, this woman went home and immediately told her husband about the idiot driving and being unwilling to back up. He probably readily agreed and re-enforced her view. Maybe she even blogged about it! 🙂

My point is, we all tell stories to ourselves and others that put us in the best light, forgetting there is another view, perhaps more accurate, that we have not accounted for. When we believe a)we have the truth, or b) we are right, we are at risk for missing another’s point-of-view.

Perception becomes reality. Misunderstanding becomes rupture of relationship. Then, we keep telling stories that support our opinion, finally proving that the relationship is a farce, and built upon lies. Unfortunately, sometimes it is built on the lies we have told ourselves, not those of a spouse.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
What’s Coming: The Secret of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Are you wondering what I am up to? Well, my latest project is coming along. It promises to open your eyes to the potential in marriage. It. . . well, just watch the video:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlDD_VEmPbg]

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Please Watch This Video
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

OK, this is slightly off the subject of marriage. It is more about me.

I have created my first YouTube video. It ain’t great. But it is an entry in a contest to help me be a best-selling author. Will you help? Just watch it. It is only 2 minutes long, and has two of my favorite quotes at the end.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K03lbxg3gPY]

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Valentine’s Day Message: Why Marriages Last
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Very frequently, I am asked by individuals, couples, even the press, “what makes a marriage last?” I chuckle a little because the answer is so simple (simple is NOT the same as easy).

But before I tell you the secret, I am aware that we are quickly approaching Valentine’s Day. At least in the United States, this holiday has become a retailer’s dream (and many an individual’s nightmare!). We have woven this whole ideal of romance into the fabric of this day.

Do you know who Valentine was? The facts are a little sketchy, but the theory is that it started with a Roman celebration where a lottery was held, matching girls and boys together for the duration of the celebration. Some of these became marriages. That celebration was, evidently, around mid-February, probably on the 14th.

Then enter Emperor Claudius. Claudius outlawed marriage, so that the young men eligible to be soldiers would not be encumbered by marriage. But a Catholic priest, Valentine, continued to perform marriages. He defied the emperor to honor love.

This led to his imprisonment and beheading. So his martyrdom was celebrated on February 14th, partly to overtake the Pagan celebration by honoring love in Christian terms.

Valentine was quite the counter-cultural! He refused to allow an emperor to prevent the union of two people who wanted to be together. And we have managed to bring back only the romantic, sexualized nature of relationships in our current celebrations!

So, that is the apparent history of Valentine’s Day, which leads me to the secret of a lasting marriage. You see, we have taken this holiday and made romance the cake, not the icing on the cake.

The secret to a lasting marriage? Two people who choose to stay married. That’s it. Marriages that last don’t necessarily have less conflict, more sex, more money, less anger, or anything else we assume. Marriages that last do so because each person makes a daily decision to stay married.

The commitment to the marriage, then, is the cake! From that commitment, a couple decides to work through difficulties. And since there is a commitment, a couple realizes they must come to some solution to the problems that arise in any marriage. Their solution just does not involve dissolution of the marriage!

When there is commitment, the cake, then romance really is the icing on the cake! It is not that romance and romantic feelings are unimportant. They just should not lead us into believing that their absence means a marriage is over.

Every marriage, successful or not, has times when passion wanes. That is the natural pattern of relationships. But those that share a commitment end up carrying the day when the passion is not the glue of the relationship.

Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day, and commit to commitment in your marriage!

If you need tools to help you get to the icing on the cake, grab my ebook!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Excuse #4: “It’s Not My Fault!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I have heard that one over and over: “It’s not my fault!” There are two subtexts to this:
1: “Since I am innocent, why should I have to do something?”
2: “Since I didn’t cause it, what can I do?”

Let’s say your house is on fire. Perhaps you didn’t cause the fire, but do you stand there and say, “this isn’t my fault” while the building burns around you, or do you take responsibility to get yourself and any others you can out of harms way?

While that one seems obvious, that is basically the issue at hand: we do not have to be at fault to take responsibility! In fact, those who study resilience (how people bounce back after challenges and crises), have found that this is one of the central issues that determines a person’s resilience. Can we take responsibility for making situations change without having to take the blame?

In fact, I would go so far as to say that blame should be dropped as an issue in marriage. Blame is always looking backward. Marriages recovering is about moving forward. To say it more simply, blame = backward, stuck, failure; responsibility = forward, progress, success.

And to apply the “burning house” metaphor further, why do you have to take action? Because the house is on fire! There are no options but to take action.

But to continue pushing against this excuse, I have yet to find a couple where one or the other was entirely blameless. We all act in ways that are not optimal. We all do things that hurt those we love. We all find ourselves responding in ways that surprise and sadden us.

In other words, we all have something we can work on. At times, the situation is this: we have worked to hard to make the relationship work that we are no longer being true to ourselves. Then, our task is to get back to the place where we are healthy. If we do that, we are taking responsibility for our own lives. We are able to make healthy changes in our lives that will likely lead to healthier places in our marriages.

“It’s not my fault” is only an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. Don’t fall for it.

Ready to take responsibility? Grab my ebook and get started!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Excuse #3: “I Can’t Do Anything!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Do you feel hopeless and unable to change the outcome of your relationship? Then excuse #3 may be the thought that is running through your mind: “I want to do something, but there isn’t anything I can do.”

Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.

But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!

Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Think about that — if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.

The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.

Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).

In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!

Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.

Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, “I can’t do anything,” in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Excuse #2: “I Can’t Afford This”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Here’s another excuse I hear over and over from people. “I can’t afford your information. It sounds great, but I’m broke!”

Often, they follow this up with “I can find free advice” or “X is cheaper than you.” Both statements are correct. You CAN find advice that is free. And you can find cheaper advice. But as they say, You Get What You Pay For!

Why is that advice free? Because it has little value. There is a joke: “What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their medical school class? Doctor.” But is that who you want to entrust your health to? The person who was at the bottom of the heap? Not me! I want someone who is tops in their field. I want someone who knows what they are doing. I want someone with the right knowledge. I WANT THE RIGHT ANSWER! I don’t want just any answer. I want one that gets me better.

Or an attorney. You can go get legal advice from an attorney who deals with anything that comes through his door, and maybe you will pay less than $100 per hour. Or you can find the person who can deal with your situation, a specialized attorney, and pay a little (or a lot) more. But you will at least get the RIGHT answer.

Anyone can give you an answer. And some of those answers will make things worse. Or you can get the answer that will help you.

I always find this excuse baffling. Do you know the average cost (not just legal bills, but lost resources, investments, equity, etc.) of a divorce in America? $30,000. That doesn’t even begin to calculate the loss over the years (2 homes, extra clothes for the kids, competing gifts, etc., etc., etc.) or the emotional and physical toll. The cost of a divorce is astronomical! The attorney’s fees for a decent divorce attorney start at $150 per hour, and go upwards of $500 per hour!

Or call a plumber to run his snake through the clogged pipe. 15 minutes, and you will pay upwards of $200, and you will gladly do it to take care of a crisis.

Trust me when I tell you: if you have found your way here, you have a crisis. You can deal with it now, or you can deal with it later, but the cost will keep going up.

If you are ready to save your marriage, I would tell you: you can’t afford not to!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Excuse #1: “Why Your Information Can’t Help ME”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

I just received another email about why I can’t help them with their marriage. Simply put, the writer told me that their situation is just too unique. No book, ebook, special report, seminar, etc., could help them, because they are just too different. Their situation is just too unique for “general help.”

Every week, I get several emails from people wanting to tell me their situation and then ask if my information can help them. Almost always (barring an abusive relationship or a spouse that has departed for the moon!), I answer “yes.” I am not worried about the problems. I am concerned with the destination.

So, to the person who wrote that email (don’t worry, I’ve already responded directly), and to all the others who tell themselves that, I have one thing to say: You Are Just Making Excuses!

I don’t think you mean to be, but you are. You see, the funny thing about a crisis is that it makes us feel like we are the only ones going through this. We look around and don’t see our friends suffering. We don’t hear others saying the same things, so we believe we must be unique.

And you are unique. I would even venture to say that your problems may be unique (although at this point in my career, I never hear anything new). Really, the wrapper of the problems (what it looks like) may be unique. But the underlying dynamics are exactly the same.

Remember Leo Tolstoy (you probably had to read War and Peace in high school)? In another book, Anna Karenina, Tolstoy observed that “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” We all see our unhappiness as unique.

But what I have discovered is the path to happiness is exactly the same for every couple! Understand, where you begin that process may be different (in fact, I have isolated 8 different starting points), but what needs to happen, the underlying dynamics, and how to get where you want to be is the same!

So, if you automatically tell yourself that your problems are just too unique to be helped, give that up! It isn’t true. Your situation may be unique, but the dynamics and the path to happiness is the same.

In other words, to boil it down, you can use the information in my ebook to save your marriage. Don’t destroy your chances of a happy marriage because you keep telling yourself that your problems are just too unique.

Give your marriage a try, Excuse Free!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .