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Will The End Of The Holidays Be The End Of Your Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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All that holiday cheer! Families getting together, packages to give and open, smells to enjoy, the lights. . . ah, the holidays. But many a marriage ends with the holidays. Come the first week of January, many people will discover themselves headed for separation or divorce.

But don’t just blame the holidays! Many of these marriages were already, unbeknownst to one, at the end of the line. You see, many people set a date for when to end a marriage. That date is rarely arbitrary. Let’s face it: most relationships that end have been in trouble for a long time.

So, a date is chosen that seems safer to the person who has finally decided to call it quits. And since nobody wants to be the “bad guy), many people who have made the decision to leave in the last 4 to 6 months will choose to leave after the holidays. They tell themselves that they don’t want to ruin the holidays for the children.

Many marriages will end after the holidays because the stress of the holidays has finanally ended an already limping relationship. Between the heightened expectations, additional financial worries, too many social activities, and the let-down of it all, many couples find that the stress is just too much! A miserable marriage suddenly becomes an impossible marriage.

Either situation is tragic. Generally, one or the other is caught off-guard, unaware that things had gotten so bad. In fact, many are surprised because they thought things were better. The leaving spouse has often been keeping the plans concealed. You see, ending a relationship is rarely a consensual decision. Almost always, there is one who either doesn’t see things as being so bad or just wants to keep trying.

That is why they are sometimes so suprised. You see, people can often make a decision, then once the decision is made, begin to act very differently. The morose anger can disappear. Fights may stop, arguments may ce

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
“I Don’t Know What To Do”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I titled this blog with a comment I hear over and over. More than that, those who are caught in that phrase, “I don’t know what to do,” are often silently suffering.

When a marriage is in crisis, some people begin to immediately act. Others are frozen. Both are the same responses, a variation on the old “fight or flight” response to fear. When the emotion of fear grabs our innards, we are going to respond from very primitive areas in our brain. And either response can get us into trouble. (If you want to know more about how your brain gets you into trouble when trying to resolve a marriage problem, grab my ebook.)

If you are paralyzed not knowing what to do, the antidote is to get busy. Do something. Start reading, seek counsel, address the concerns in the marriage. I understand the feeling of helplessness, but you can choose to act in spite of the feeling of helplessness. You see, in life, it is not how you feel but what you do that determines where you end up.

At the same time, if you find yourself on the opposite end, panicky action, pause for a moment and find the actions that are reasonable and calm. Reacting in a panic is no better than not reacting.

A marriage in trouble cannot stay at the same point that created the crisis. Action is necessary, but the action must be sensible, not one stirred by the feelings of panic.

If your marriage is, indeed, in trouble, take a moment to decide which pattern you are following: panic or paralysis. Then recognize that the antidote to both is the same: choosing a path that is based on calm, sensible thinking.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
How You Can Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Is your marriage in trouble? Do you see your relationship on the brink of divorce? You are not alone.

Each year in America alone, nearly 1 million marriages end in divorce. This is an incredible number! That would be as if all the citizens of Houston Texas were divorced (each divorce leaves 2 people).

The question is how many of those marriages could be saved. Unfortunately, that is an invisible number. If your marriage stays together, it is hard to find in the statistics. As Marian Wright Edelman wrote, statistics are stories with the tears washed off. Yet many marriages that should have made it do not.

Can your marriage be saved? If I could answer that, I would be a wealthy man. I can tell you that if your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, the outcome is guaranteed. If you do something, there is a much better chance that your marriage will be saved. As Wayne Gretzky says, “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

And I can tell you, in four simple steps what you can do to save your marriage. You can start right now. But you must understand that I said “simple.” That is not the same as “easy.” These steps are not easy. They do, however, give you a path that you must follow if you want to change the destiny of a marriage in trouble.

These are the 4 steps:

1) Quit the blame game. Stop blaming your spouse and stop blaming yourself. This is the first step because marriages get frozen into a pattern of blame that immobilizes any prospect of progress. Instead, the momentum gets dragged down and down.

Blame is our way of avoiding seeing ourselves clearly. It is much easier to point the finger somewhere and say “It’s their fault.” But in marriage, you can just as easily turn that pointing finger on yourself and place the blame there, saying “it’s all my fault.”

Unfortunately, blame feels good in the short-term, but in the long-term, it prevents any shift or change. So, even if you can make a long list of why you or your spouse should be blamed, forget it. Even if that list is factual, it will not help you put your marriage back together. Blame is the fuel of divorces.

2) Take responsibility. Decide you can do something. Change always begins with one person who wants to see a change. Understand that taking responsibility is not the same as taking the blame (see above).

Instead, blame is saying “regardless of who is at fault, there are some things I can do differently, and I am going to do them.” What buttons do you allow your spouse to push? What buttons do you push with your spouse? Decide not to allow those buttons to be pushed and stop pushing the buttons.

What amazes me in my counseling is that everyone knows what they should be doing or not doing. But it is difficult to move in that direction. Don’t be caught in that. Decide that you will take action.

The difference between blame and responsibility is this: if I am in a burning building, I can stand around trying to figure out who started the blaze, why it has spread so quickly, and who I am going to sue when it is over (blame), or I can get myself and anyone else I can out of that building (taking responsibility). When a marriage is in trouble, the house is on fire. How will you take action to save the marriage?

3) Get resources from experts. If others have been helped, you can be, too. Experts with a great deal more perspective and experience can be a real help in these situations. Do your research and divide the useless from the useful, then take advantage of the useful.

Don’t assume that your situation is so different from every other situation. I can tell you that after 20-some years of providing therapy, not too much new comes through my doors. Don’t get me wrong; the story changes, but the dynamics are the same.

Remember what Albert Einstein said, “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.” In other words, what got you into trouble will not get you out of trouble. That requires a whole new level of thinking. And that is what you get from an outside expert, someone with a fresh perspective.

4) Take action. More damage is done by doing nothing by taking a misstep. It is too easy to get paralyzed by the situation. Therapists often talk about “analysis paralysis.” This occurs when people get so caught up in their churning thoughts and attempts to “figure things out” that they never take action.

It is not enough to simply understand what is causing the problem. You must then act! On a daily basis, I find people coming to my office with the belief that if they can just understand their problem, it will resolve itself. That simply does not happen. Resolution of the situation takes action.

Will your marriage be saved? If you follow my suggestions, you have infinitely more opportunity for saving your marriage than if you do nothing. Marriage is one of those places where it takes two to make it work, but only one to really mess things up. You can only do your part, but many times, that is enough. Resolve not to ask the question but to begin to act.

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If you are ready to take action, grab my ebook, Save The Marriage by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Save The Marriage Receives An Excellent Review
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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It is always gratifying when my ebook is reviewed in a favorable light. And it was just brought to my attention that it has once again received a great review. So, if you would like to see what someone else has to say (and in this case, someone who has reviewed many other resources), you can read the whole review by Clicking Here.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Hint: Starting Divorce Proceedings Is NOT A Marriage-Saving Action!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I finally decided to say this in my blog. . . because I keep saying the same thing in emails! It started this morning. Another email telling me that she wanted to save her marriage, but that she had filed for divorce. Her question was how to start the conversation with her spouse.

My answer is “stop the legal process!” There is nothing in that process that will help get people back together. There is nothing that will help to solve the problem by filing for divorce. There is nothing in the action that will get the attention someone might be looking for.

Yet every week, I receive a couple of letters that say the same thing: “I don’t want to get divorced, but I don’t know what to do, so I filed.” Somewhere, I still fail to see the logic here, even though I know what they are thinking.

At some point, the desperation gets to the point that it feels like there is nothing else that can be done (there is. See my ebook.) But when it doesn’t feel like there is anything to be done, we start making panicky, foolish decisions. Filing for divorce is one of them.

Many people have told me that the only reason they filed was to get their spouse’s attention. Instead, the majority got a divorce!

An attorney may tell you that you can stop the process as any time. That is true, in the theoretical sense. But once someone files, something changes psychologically. When the case is listed in court with the “versus” between the names, they are not kidding! The process is adversarial by its nature. A relationship is being taken apart. And the effect on each person’s psychology is devastating.

What saddens me is how many OK marriages, marriages that could and should be saved, are tossed away because someone decided to file — didn’t want to file, but didn’t know what else to do. If you are in that situation, please let me remove that option from your vocabulary!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
“I’m Sorry” Is The Starting Point — Not The End
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Several years back, my son had a teacher that would not allow the students to say “I’m sorry.” That may sound odd, coming from a 1st grade teacher. . . not allowing someone to apologize. But his rationale was this: Saying your sorry does not indicate a change. Changing indicates a change.

While I think this teacher went a little too far (sometimes, it is nice to hear those words), his point was dead-on. People often apologize and apologize, but with no change in behavior. In fact, I often see people where, in the middle of a session, they turn to their spouse and say, “I said I was sorry. What do you want me to do?” I often catch them there and say “CHANGE!”

A true apology begins with saying “I’m sorry,” but is then followed up with changes that show the behavior that prompted the need to apologize has been left behind.

Too often, “I’m sorry” comes in response to “I was caught.” The behavior that seemed to make sense before no longer makes sense. “The gig is up,” as some would say. Then, there is the hurt and pain over the transgression, often on both parts.

The fracture can and should be healed. But saying “I’m sorry” is merely the starting point. It is the acknowledgment that something occurred that should not have. But it is also the beginning of “so what am I going to do about it?” Restoration requires a changing of behavior. This may be correcting what was done, or it may require changing habits and behaviors so that is doesn’t happen again.

For instance, when a couple is struggling with the aftermath of an affair, changes in behavior on the part of the one who had the affair is necessary, if not crucial. Living an “open book” life, staying away from the other person, being loving and supportive, are all examples of changes that may continue the process.

Or for instance, someone who abuses alcohol. “I’m sorry” begins the process. But choosing to avoid friends that lead to problems or locations that elicit drinking, are perhaps necessary changes.

Too often, we quickly give an “I’m sorry,” but have a hard time following this up with a change in behavior. It is good to remember that an apology only begins a process of healing.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Will Sex Fix the Problem?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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In yet another case of the book being written based on some life experience, a couple decided to try to get their marriage on track. . . by having sex daily for 100 days! You can read about it by CLICKING HERE.

Would this work for everyone? The answer is “sorta, kinda, not, but maybe.” How’s that for definite responses? The truth is that the marriage in question may not have been on-track, but it was not in the gutters. It was just “so-so,” which does account for a large part of the population.

In the end, this couple decided to really shake up their life — throw a little passion into the mix. This changes the relationship. It shifted them from roommates to married couple, from parents to lovers. That is a good thing.

My concern is how we have made sex such a big issue. I always chuckle when a couple comes into my office, telling me they “just don’t have time for sex.” Come on. The vast majority of us spend more than 1/2 an hour watching TV, or otherwise wasting time. The average length of sex is, from what I have read, 20 minutes. That’s a TV show minus the commercials!

In the end, we have made sex too big of an issue (imagining it takes too much time and too much energy), and at the same time have taken it too lightly (forgetting the glue that sex adds to a marriage, the connection it creates).

Do the authors of the book have the solution? Maybe not, but it might be a fun test!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Summer: The Death Season For Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Here in the States, it is Memorial Day. For some people, this is a remembrance for those who gave their lives in war.

But for most folks, it simply marks the beginning of the summer season. Ah, the livin’ is easy. . . at least according to the songs.

School is out in most places, and the atmosphere just takes on a little more relaxed pace. People are out playing ball, taking a walk, swinging on the front porch, taking a vacation. Things just seem to slow down.

For me, summer marks a shift in marriages. Many marriages will end this season. Summer brings with it a break in the routine, and for many people, a transition point in marriage. Some people have been silently making plans. Other times, the couple have been marking the days until summer to finally take action.

The ending dates are predictable in lots of cases: just after the holidays, after an important date (birthdays), before important dates (anniversaries), and summertime. This is especially true when kids are involved. The couple reasons that there are several months for everyone to adjust.

Bad news: there is never a good time to end a relationship. Rationalize it all you want, but there is never a good way, never a good time, and never a least-damaging way.

My hope is that people will take the summer and work on their relationships. The slowdown means there are less activities that are scheduled. Spend some time together. Play together as a family. Choose to forgive and move ahead. Keep the marriage together!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Life Is Short: Save Your Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Did you hear the story about the billboard with the message: “Life Is Short, Get A Divorce”?

I was horrified! OK, to be fair, after lots of complaints, the billboard came down.

But the fact is that our culture has pushed too hard to make it too easy to end a marriage. The real task is to stay married, to be true to the vows made.

Marriage is a challenge to be navigated, not an expendable part of life. Sure, there are times when abuse or infidelity make the marriage impossible. But most marriages are ended for little to no real reason.

How often have I heard the statement, “we just grew apart,” or “I fell out of love.” I don’t buy either one.

Life is too short to have a bad marriage. But that is not a reason to get rid of the marriage! Instead, it is a challenge to improve the marriage, to make it something worthwhile for all.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Want To Save Your Marriage?? Be Genuine!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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People ask me for my “best advice” in working on a marriage. It is simple, but not easy. My advice for marriage is “be genuine.”

Why is this hard? Because when a marriage is in trouble, we immediately try to find ways of manipulating the situation to get some movement from our spouse. It is only natural for people to try to find an angle to work. And it may be the angle you are trying to work is for good motive (a rebuilt marriage, I would count as a good motive).

What I often tell people when they are working on their marriage is to take a hard look at who they have become in the marriage, consider who they really are that they have left behind, and become that person again. We mold ourselves and allow ourselves to be molded based in part on what we think our spouse wants. Then we are greatly surprised to find that we are not what our spouse wants.

In reality, we have become something that is disingenuous. We are not ourselves anymore. We have become what we think the other wants. This is especially true when our spouse seems to be the one that doesn’t want us. We tend to quickly shift to what we think will work.

(For those who have had an unfaithful spouse, this is particularly true. We try to transform ourselves into someone that is desired. And in almost all cases, we miss the point of the affair. It was about a disconnect, not about who you are.)

So, my antidote to this painful place is to become more genuine. Become who your best self is. Forget trying to be who you think your spouse wants you to be. It is 1) impossible, and 2) unfair for your spouse to want you to be something you are not. (OK, if you don’t shower and smell bad, I would say it is fair for your spouse to ask for you to be clean, but for the most part, any change of any depth is unfair.)

When a marriage is in trouble, both partners tend to fall into the belief that the other person needs to change. And if one person really wants to save the marriage, he or she can feel this pressure and try to become what the other seems to want.

Now hear me clearly: change is not the problem. Changing to try to fit what you think the other person wants, that is the problem. Become a better person. Focus on improving yourself. . . but not to save the marriage; to be a better person!

At the end of the day, you have to look in the mirror and determine whether you like yourself or not. And if you are not who you truly are, you will not like yourself. If you are genuine, and your change is out of your own desire to improve and be a better person, then you can look in the mirror and greet yourself.

And guess what? A genuine person is genuinely attractive. Your ability to improve and save the marriage will paradoxically rise when you stop trying to be something you think your spouse wants.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .