Posts Tagged :

bad marriage advice

Bad Marriage Advice! Don’t Say This!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Don't say "I Will Change."  Bad advice!There is a plethora of marriage advice out there.  Much of it promises to save your marriage.  Some of it is good.  Some is fine.  And some is dangerous.

The other day, I was reading an article by someone, proclaiming 3 words that would save your marriage.

That caught my attention!  And then, it caught my ire.  The advice was bad.

At best, the suggestion will do little to help your marriage.  At worst, it will cause more resistance to your efforts to actually save your marriage.

Here is the 3 words to NOT say:  “I will change.”  Those are the 3 words, promised to stop a divorce.

And those 3 words will either “fall on deaf ears,” or greatly increase the anger and frustration of your spouse.

Why?

I share my thoughts on this in the free audio podcast below.

If you don’t listen, at least heed my advice and avoid saying “I will change.”  Listen, though, for some better suggestions.

And when you are ready to take action, check out my Save The Marriage System.

 

Been Burned By Crap Ebooks? You Are Not Alone!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

I just received an email. I took a screenshot, made it anonymous, and placed it below.

If you can’t read it, zoom in! It is important. (Just click the image!)

This is someone who finally decided to grab my ebook. Unfortunately, it was only after grabbing another “magic” book about making up. Others tell me about buying books on how to stop a divorce (reverse psychology is often the content). But that “magic” book is, as this customer notes, just plain dangerous! I can tell you the point of these new books on making up: make your spouse jealous and act like you don’t care!

If anyone thinks that these tactics are really going to work, then there are some bigger issues than they know at work! Unfortunately, there are times when desperation trumps common sense!

Two things happen when we are in a crisis: 1) we want to be out of pain, and 2) we want guidance.

Unfortunately, that desire leads to simultaneous problems. First, we look for what seems to be the fastest way out of pain (rarely the best or most effective), and second, we stop evaluating the source of guidance.

Please, please, please! Don’t make that mistake! Get help! Find resources that will help you, but do think through the advice and who it is coming from. Is it an expert (not an expert marketer, but an expert in relationships!)? Do you have a sense of what kind of advice you are goint to get (for example, you can see a good deal of my thinking in this blog and in my free ecourse)? Is it just too good to be true? And most importantly, does the approach fit with your ethics and morals?

Marriages can be saved, with the right advice and with effort. Marriages can be destroyed with the wrong advice (even with effort!).

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Marriage Advice; Start Here!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Let’s face it: 100% of marriages have difficulties and problems. It is the nature of such a close relationship. Two people living in close proximity are going to have marriage problems. Statistically speaking, about 1/2 of those marriages survive.

What keeps them together? What makes the difference? Is it more than a toss of the coin? Absolutely!

When Greg and Susan came into my office last week, they were trying to decide upon which side of the coin they would land. Should they stay married? Should they divorce?

Both wanted to tell me all about the faults and problems they had during their 11 years of marriage. Frankly, while I politely listened, where they had been was of relatively little interest to me. I was much more interested in where they wanted to get to!

Problem is, Greg and Susan had both decided that the solution to their problems was in their past. They thought that they needed help communicating better. Greg thought Susan was controlling and needed to change. Susan thought Greg was lackadaisical in his approach to life. More importantly, neither felt loved or appreciated.

So, I decided it was time to stop this cascade of pain and useless dialogue. “Greg, Susan, please stop shooting at each other! You both say you want a good marriage, but I have heard neither of you make a positive contribution to where you want to be!” Greg started to respond, but by the look on his face, I knew he was only going to make a defensive statement.

I stopped him, “Greg, hold on for a minute. I can tell you, if you want to know, what the secret is to saving your marriage, and to not only save it, but have a marriage you can treasure!”

Now I had their attention! My answer was going to be deceptively simple, but would take them a lifetime to work out. I continued, “The secret to a successful marriage is following the 2 ‘C’s.’ Fail in doing that, and you will be in trouble. Follow them, and I promise success.”

Greg and Susan had relaxed a bit, but I could tell they were listening intently. “Now, the 2 ‘C’s’ are not complicated, but they require some action and dedication. But mostly, they require you to do something you already said you would.”

By now, they were looking a bit perplexed. What had they already agreed to?

It was time to let them in on the best marriage advice I could give them. Two simple steps that would lead to a lifetime of happy marriage. I slowly told them about the 2 C’s: “The two pieces of the puzzle are Commitment and Connection. If the two of you accept your commitment to the marriage and work on being connected, you cannot fail!”

Let me say a bit about each. First, Commitment: this is the cornerstone of any marriage. It sets the backdrop to a marriage. In most weddings, we promise to stay committed to our spouse, regardless of what the future holds. So the first C is just following through on that promise. Even when things are tough, we rely on having made that commitment. That means we are faced with working it out when there are difficulties. After all, a lifetime commitment requires resolution.

Second, Connection: this is what keeps us wanting to be married. Commitment keeps us married. Connection is the joy. Nurturing connection is a daily activity. It is partly mental — thinking about a marriage and a spouse in loving and respectful ways. It is partly action — finding ways to carve space out during the day to connect and reconnect. This is where our priorities show. If we cannot make time to be connected (even 15 minutes per day!), then our marriage is clearly not at the top of our priorities.

Greg and Susan left the office more relaxed, recommited to working on the relationship, and with some thoughts on how each might work on connection.

What can you do today to deepen the commitment or the connection?

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Overwhelmed by Conflicting Advice???
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

I just received a letter from someone with a great deal at stake: her marriage! Is that a similar situation for you?

Her question was this: she had acted on some advice in other sources, and now she wanted me to help her “mop up the mess!” And what a mess it was. She got the advice from several big “marriage saving” websites. Only problem was, it had made matters worse — MUCH worse!

First, she had gotten some advice to use reverse psychology. Her husband asked for a divorce, so instead of working to shift that, she gave him what he said he wanted. Reverse psychology is to state or suggest the opposite of what you want, assuming the other person will go in the direction you really want.

Imagine saying to a child, “eat your veggies.” That is direct, and the child may refuse. That could lead to a stand-off. Reverse psychology would be: “Susie, no matter what, don’t eat any of those veggies. Don’t even taste them!” Turn your back, and little Susie is scarfing down those veggies!

This may work, at least a couple of times, with a child. It rarely works on adults. More than that, what happened in the particular case I mentioned? She ended up divorced! Tought to save a marriage when you are handing over a divorce!

Strangely, there started to be some conversation and contact as the divorce process went through. So this woman got some more “advice” from the internet. This was supposed to work magic on bringing someone back. In it, you make the other person jealous, make them miss you. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” you might say.

So, the person writing me said she told her husband that there would be no contact for 30 days. This was bewildering to him. But instead of “driving him wild” to be back with her, he decided that she really didn’t want anything to do with him. With that, he began to date others.

With two pieces of careless advice, my client granted a divorce and stopped all contact — ALL IN THE NAME OF SAVING A MARRIAGE!

The moral of this story: never, ever, ever resort to manipulation or trying to make a spouse jealous as a route to marital bliss. Manipulation backfires. In the end, both methods were manipulation. So, if you look at a piece of information and think “that really doesn’t sound right to me” or “that is really not my morals,” don’t choke it down and say “but I guess I’ll try it anyway!” Hold onto your commonsense, even in the midst of a crisis!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Here is my Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage! This is a partial list of the mistakes I see people make when they want to save their marriage. Sometimes, it is best to learn from others’ mistakes, rather than make it yourself.

10) Do nothing! Don’t worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident, threat, etc.) will pass!

Ah, the old “bury your head in the sand approach!” The reality is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass. Let’s be honest: over time, this strategy builds up more and more resentment, then finally, everything falls apart. You can act surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down inside, that you ignored things way too long.

It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis. Rarely is there one “precipitating event” that suddenly ends the marriage. Instead, it is the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems ignored, which finally creates so much frustration that the “house of cards” falls.

So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!

9) Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!

When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to “figure it out!” One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein, “the same level of thinking that created the problem will not solve the problem.” In other words, when we only use the thought processes that led us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem.

We all get stuck in our thought patterns. Once we establish them, we don’t change much. Think about it: don’t all of your spousal arguments basically follow the same pattern. Doesn’t your daily routine pretty much go the same? We like “sameness,” and change is a bit of a threat. Even the painful sameness is better than the unknown — at least that’s what we tend to believe.

Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help and information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.

8) Grab some “free advice!” Hey, free is good, right?

Almost always, free advice is worth about that — nothing! When you are injured, do you seek out some “free advice” on that injury? Or when you need some legal advice, do you just get some “free advice?”

So why, when your most important relationship is on the line, would you just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a “transaction society.” We make trades and transactions to get what we don’t have. And knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away anything worthwhile.

The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you REALLY treasure your relationship? If I told you how to save $20,000 instantly, would you pay for it? Well, that is the minimal cash value of your failed marriage. In other words, a divorce in the U.S. averages $20K. Save your marriage, save $20K.

And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? What is the worth of that? Really, what price would you put on that? I ask because I know of plenty of people who think nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day, a couple of $3 packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. Then, when they go looking for advice to save their marriage, want to find some free advice.

It is always about value, and the value you place on your marriage. Free advice? Probably more costly than you can ever realize in the long run.

7) Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!

We authors don’t like to admit this, but statistics show that upwards of 80% of self-help books that are bought are never read. Imagine that! The answer may be right there! You took the time to get a resource, either because the cover looked nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were desperate.

Then, onto the bedside stand it goes, underneath the magazines, the daily paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.

The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck at the bottom of a stack, never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off the information and give it a read! At least give it a chance. You’ve already invested your money in it. Why not give it a test drive?

6) Read the information, but then don’t do anything! It won’t work in your situation, anyway!

OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . . but then you took no action! Maybe the information seemed impossible, far-fetched, too easy, too complicated, or just dead wrong! Now you do need to use your better judgement, but perhaps it is worth a try!

What you’ve been doing has clearly not gotten the results you wanted. So, perhaps it is time to try something new. Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign, unnatural. But it is really like anything new: repetition builds skill. What seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly, what seemed impossible seems elementary.

Again, remember Einstein’s quote. Doing what you’ve done hasn’t gotten you what you want. What’s the risk of trying something different?

5) Get bad information from unqualified sources. Hey, any information is better than no information. . . right?

As you have already discovered, there are lots of “experts” willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. Be sure your “expert” is really just that. At a minimum, make sure they actually have some training, not just their own experience! They don’t have to have a Ph.D., but if they can’t tell you about their training, other than “been there, done that,” move on!

Experts are experts because they have worked in the field, received training, and have some ideas on how to help you. The others are experts in marketing. Be sure and distinguish between the two.

Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also the “doctors?” They weren’t trained, caused lots of damage, but that was the only choice. Well, we don’t live in the “wild West” anymore, and there are plenty of real experts. Get their advice and avoid the damage of well-meaning but ill-equiped “experts.”

4) Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better. . . right?

Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too long, until one day someone wakes up and says “enough.” Then the other person jumps into high gear! They try to make “date nights,” meaningful conversations, do the housework, get another job. . . just about anything to make it work!

Instead, pick a couple of things. Be consistent with them, and try a slow approach. Building from zero takes some time. But if you try the “everything at once” approach, you will scare your spouse away.

3) Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!

This is a very common situation. You see, we all are master “scriptwriters,” often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our minds! We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging and pleading. Problem is, they are working off a different script.

If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling, their reflex is to pull back, matching power with power. It is no different in verbal tug-of-war. The harder I try to convince someone of something counter to what they have said, the reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in the belief.

So th
e arguing, “reasoning,” begging and pleading have the opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the relationship.

2) Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really about their “issue.” Then they will see how unhealthy they are!

Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is a) their midlife crisis, b) they are never satisfied, c) really about their dysfunctional family, c) some other diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

You may be dead-on! Problem is, you are not going to be seen as an objective provider of a diagnosis. Instead, you will only be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done, if at all, by an impartial, outside expert or by one’s self.

1) Try to prove how much you need them! Surely, just seeing they are needed will get them to stay!

Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to leave, feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel manipulated.

I’ve seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much they need the other person. I have seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc., etc., etc. And in every case, the person who wants out says “see?” It’s hard to argue with that. Being needy is never attractive, and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than to not be needed.

Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while trying to save it. I could go on for many more. I think I have seen every mistake possible.

My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think through what you are doing and how you are doing it as you try to save your marriage. There is little more noble or heroic in today’s society than trying to hold a relationship together. I just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not harmful ways.

So, what are your list? In other words, what mistakes have you made in your efforts to save your marriage?


More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Bad Advice!: Not All You Read Is Helpful!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

OK, rant time!

I have tried, for as long as I have been on the internet, to avoid pointing the finger at marriage advice on the internet. But I can’t be quiet any longer!

When I started offering help with marriages in 2001, there were maybe 2 of us on the internet. Now, there is an explosion of ebooks and advice on how to save your marriage. Most even borrowed my subtitle: “Even if only you want to.”

My problem is not about the competition. In my mind, there really is no competition. If people are genuinely offering good advice with the intent of helping to save a marriage, I have no problem.

I have often said that my job is to put myself out of business. If I could save every marriage, my job would be done! I could pull out the hammock, put it up between the coconut trees, grab my cool drink, and watch the tide come in. Not much chance of that little fantasy!

So, my problem is not the “competition.” It is the horrible advice I am seeing out there. You probably have seen it, too. And you may have even been tempted by it.

Almost always, the advice tries to give you some easy answer (or an answer you would love to hear). Saving a marriage takes effort! No amount of “magic potions,” hypnosis, reverse psychology, “make your spouse jealous,” or “how to be a great lover” advice is going to put “poor Humpty together again!”

So much of the advice is based in deception! Who ever believed they could fool someone into staying married?? Oh, sure, the reverse psychology (basically agreeing with your spouse, so that they are disarmed) may give you a little time to get moving, but very little time. Whenever we seek to manipulate someone, it will come back to bite you in the butt!

Magic potions? Come one! Love, and restoring love, is magic enough. Saying a few wishful words is not going to make it so. If you have seen “The Secret,” that is my biggest gripe with it. It is not that I don’t believe in intention. I do think that what we focus on, we often create. If nothing else, because we notice what we focus on, this works.

But if we think we can just sit back and imagine our spouse coming back, then we miss the important part: action! Something has to change. We have to change! Again, I am not against visualization. It is a fine place to start, but you can’t imagine yourself into a new relationship! You have to take action — and you have to take the right action!

Which brings us to the information that inspired this rant! I was reading an article by someone who wrote an ebook (“He Who Shall Not Be Named,” mostly because name-calling seems a little juvenile). Now this person is really an internet marketer that decided there was a buck to be made here. Which is why I think the advice is so dangerous. It is not tested, not clinical, and based in making money.

What this person suggests is aimed at men: if you are separated, you should date and pursue other women! He says this will help with your self-esteem and -respect! He says it will make your wife jealous!

So, first, this may fit into some male fantasy, but it is just that — fantasy!

Second, it basically means that someone is going out to “use” someone as a way of getting a spouse back. Does that not just seem really cruel, and in fact bordering on immoral? It is not that someone has decided that the marriage is over and starts looking to establish another relationship. It is establishing a “relationship” with the plan that it will get a marriage back on track!

Third, in many instances, the end result is one of two paths: it either tanks any chance at reconciliation or creates more wounds that must be overcome. Many spouses will see this as a sign that the marriage really is over, and emotionally leave at that point. The rest, if there is a reconciliation, will now have a trust issue and hurt that must be overcome.

Finally, anyone that sees this as a path to self-worth and self-esteem has WAAAY underestimated their worth. Reducing oneself so a “conquest” is a low place to go.

So, as you look for advice, I would hope you would pose a couple of questions:

1) Consider the source. Is this an expert or just someone with an opinion?

2) As you read, does the person offer the promise of an easy and simple, no work answer? Marriages do not get in trouble overnight, and it takes a while to get them back on course.

3) Can you, with integrity, follow the advice? At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. If you manipulate someone, are you OK with yourself? If it works, will you say to yourself, “yeah, but I tricked him/her into staying”? Above all, be true to yourself.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.