Posts Tagged :

change behavior

Save The Marriage Video: Will Problems Just Happen Again?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Has your spouse told you that even if you did work on the marriage, the problems would just come back, so why bother?  Or perhaps you did work on your marriage, only to see the problems return.

Does that mean that problems returning is unavoidable?  Does that make you or your spouse wonder “what’s the point?”

I would contend that you have “missed the point!”  Sure, every marriage has problems.  But let me tell you how you can end a problem for good, and be better prepared to deal with any other problems that emerge!

Watch this video!

Want to Save Your Marriage? Change Yourself!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

My guess is you are at my site because you want to learn how to save their marriage.  There are relationship issues that must be addressed.  But where do you start?  My answer:  look in the mirror.  You, yourself are the greatest tool you have in your efforts to save your marriage.

Let me tell you about a recent client of mine.

Bart came into my office this week, stuck again.  I say again, because this was not his first marriage crisis.  He and his wife had been to the brink of divorce several times.  In previous crises, they had peered over the edge of the cliff, and decided to back away.

This time, I was not so sure.  This time, Sue was adamant that she had had enough.  Broken promise after broken promise of change had hardened her heart to the possibility of lasting change.

Many times in the past, Bart had loudly proclaimed that he had realized the err of his ways, and was ready to change.  For a little while, he would act differently.  It was all an act, though.  Nothing had really changed.  Sometimes, I think he even believed it himself.

Once again, we were working hard to hold onto a marriage that had been to the edge before, trying to keep them from taking that leap into the abyss of divorce.  But I wondered if we could do it again — could we stop the divorce?

There was a difference this time.  It gave us a starting point.  This time, Bart realized something about himself that he had long ignored and denied.  Bart was controlling.  Overtly and covertly, Bart tried hard to make his world go the way he wanted his world to go.  Only problem was, his wife was caught up in that world.  His world was invading her world.  And she had simply had enough.

Why was he controlling?  The same reason anyone is:  Fear!  Control your world and you can control all the bad things that might happen, or at least that is what we tell ourselves.

Sure, Sue had some areas she might want to change.  Don’t we all?

For Sue, she might want to consider that when someone is in a controlling relationship, at some point, they got into the role of being controlled.  Perhaps she had allowed this to happen to avoid conflict.  Or perhaps it was easier to do this than to make her own decisions.  Either way, it didn’t matter.  She allowed herself to be controlled, and Bart gladly controlled.

One day, Bart asked, “why do I have to be the one to change?  She needs to change, too.”   My answer is one of pragmatics, “Bart, you are here, wanting to save your marriage.  Your wife is not, and she is willing to call it quits.  That means it is up to you.  You can either stomp your feet and tell me how it is unfair, or you can change.  The choice is yours.”

That caught Bart off-guard.  He had to stop and think about this.  He had to face the need to change, regardless of what Sue might do.

This proved to be a bit difficult.  The reason is not because he is not capable of the change.  The reason is because Bart went from working on changing to proving he was changing.  That was a problem.  Can you see it?

Bart began to work to control his world, so that his wife would see he was not being controlling.  In other words, he was using his defense mechanism to prove he did not have a defense mechanism.  We all do that.

We develop behaviors because they worked for us at one time.   They allowed us to have some sense of control and effect on our life around us.
Problem is, they stop working and start creating problems.  Our old behavior in a new world are what trip us up.  Where did we learn the behavior?  Childhood.  Where does it fail us?  Adulthood.  Ouch!

In order to save your marriage, you first  want to adopt a growth mindset.  Don’t trap yourself into feeling stuck!  We humans have a great capacity for growth and change, but we quickly forget it.

Then follow these direct and simple steps:

First step:  face the fact that a)  you have things that you can change, regardless of what is happening in your marriage, and b) you have the capacity for change, growth, and improvement.

Second step:  reflect on what your spouse has been telling you.  Write down at least 5 recurring themes or issues your spouse keeps naming as problems.  Don’t add “yeah, but. . . .”  Just write them down and accept that they just MIGHT be true.

Third step:  reflect on the places where you keep tripping up in life.  These can be patterns that keep seeming to repeat themselves.  They often tell you how you automatically react and respond to situations.  In other words, they describe places that no longer work.  Add them to your list.

Fourth step:  reflect on that list.  If there are some that you simply disagree with (not just deny because you would hate to admit it), then mark a line through them.  Don’t scribble them out, as you might just return to them and see they are more true than you would like to admit.

Fifth step:  make a list of how you might change each of the themes or issues.  Where can you start RIGHT NOW?  Anywhere is better than nowhere.  So start there.

Sixth step:  make it a daily habit to reflect on who you want to be, and what you are doing to get there.  Don’t wait and think you will do this later.  Change takes effort and time.  It took you a while to become who you are, and it will take some time to recreate yourself.

Seventh step:  give yourself some room for “relapses.”  You don’t turn yourself around overnight.  It will take some time.  But one day, you will look back and wonder about that person you had become — and be glad you have become someone better!

Eighth step:  DON’T set out to prove how you have changed.  Simply be the change.  It will be noticed.  Trying to prove something makes you act.  So simply BE the change.

A final note:  just because you are now working on yourself doesn’t mean you should ignore the relationship piece.  Discover how you can transform the marriage while you are working on yourself.  Then, you will be doing both pieces:  changing yourself and changing your relationship.  Learn how to transform your relationship here.

Revive To Thrive: New Video
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Been following my information on building a thriving marriage? Well, the third video is now up. Again, no obligation or requirements. Just good information to help you discover what keeps you from having a thriving marriage. . . and what to do about it!

Take a look at the video HERE!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Excuse #4: “It’s Not My Fault!”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

I have heard that one over and over: “It’s not my fault!” There are two subtexts to this:
1: “Since I am innocent, why should I have to do something?”
2: “Since I didn’t cause it, what can I do?”

Let’s say your house is on fire. Perhaps you didn’t cause the fire, but do you stand there and say, “this isn’t my fault” while the building burns around you, or do you take responsibility to get yourself and any others you can out of harms way?

While that one seems obvious, that is basically the issue at hand: we do not have to be at fault to take responsibility! In fact, those who study resilience (how people bounce back after challenges and crises), have found that this is one of the central issues that determines a person’s resilience. Can we take responsibility for making situations change without having to take the blame?

In fact, I would go so far as to say that blame should be dropped as an issue in marriage. Blame is always looking backward. Marriages recovering is about moving forward. To say it more simply, blame = backward, stuck, failure; responsibility = forward, progress, success.

And to apply the “burning house” metaphor further, why do you have to take action? Because the house is on fire! There are no options but to take action.

But to continue pushing against this excuse, I have yet to find a couple where one or the other was entirely blameless. We all act in ways that are not optimal. We all do things that hurt those we love. We all find ourselves responding in ways that surprise and sadden us.

In other words, we all have something we can work on. At times, the situation is this: we have worked to hard to make the relationship work that we are no longer being true to ourselves. Then, our task is to get back to the place where we are healthy. If we do that, we are taking responsibility for our own lives. We are able to make healthy changes in our lives that will likely lead to healthier places in our marriages.

“It’s not my fault” is only an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. Don’t fall for it.

Ready to take responsibility? Grab my ebook and get started!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Excuse #3: “I Can’t Do Anything!”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Do you feel hopeless and unable to change the outcome of your relationship? Then excuse #3 may be the thought that is running through your mind: “I want to do something, but there isn’t anything I can do.”

Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.

But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!

Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Think about that — if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.

The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.

Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).

In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!

Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.

Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, “I can’t do anything,” in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

“I’m Sorry” Is The Starting Point — Not The End
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Several years back, my son had a teacher that would not allow the students to say “I’m sorry.” That may sound odd, coming from a 1st grade teacher. . . not allowing someone to apologize. But his rationale was this: Saying your sorry does not indicate a change. Changing indicates a change.

While I think this teacher went a little too far (sometimes, it is nice to hear those words), his point was dead-on. People often apologize and apologize, but with no change in behavior. In fact, I often see people where, in the middle of a session, they turn to their spouse and say, “I said I was sorry. What do you want me to do?” I often catch them there and say “CHANGE!”

A true apology begins with saying “I’m sorry,” but is then followed up with changes that show the behavior that prompted the need to apologize has been left behind.

Too often, “I’m sorry” comes in response to “I was caught.” The behavior that seemed to make sense before no longer makes sense. “The gig is up,” as some would say. Then, there is the hurt and pain over the transgression, often on both parts.

The fracture can and should be healed. But saying “I’m sorry” is merely the starting point. It is the acknowledgment that something occurred that should not have. But it is also the beginning of “so what am I going to do about it?” Restoration requires a changing of behavior. This may be correcting what was done, or it may require changing habits and behaviors so that is doesn’t happen again.

For instance, when a couple is struggling with the aftermath of an affair, changes in behavior on the part of the one who had the affair is necessary, if not crucial. Living an “open book” life, staying away from the other person, being loving and supportive, are all examples of changes that may continue the process.

Or for instance, someone who abuses alcohol. “I’m sorry” begins the process. But choosing to avoid friends that lead to problems or locations that elicit drinking, are perhaps necessary changes.

Too often, we quickly give an “I’m sorry,” but have a hard time following this up with a change in behavior. It is good to remember that an apology only begins a process of healing.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.