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commitment

Are You “ALL IN?” Taking The Leap: #61 Save Your Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Yep.  I did it.  I jumped right out of a perfectly good plane!  The attorney said he had no idea WHY someone would do that!

A little explanation:  for years, my son said he wanted to skydive when he turned 18.

That was years ago.

Last week, he turned 18 (what happened to those years??).

Time to follow through.

My wife spent a great deal of time and effort for us to be able to take the leap on his 18th birthday.  But the weather had other plans.  A rainy, yucky day canceled the jump. . . .

Until the next day.  A beautiful, sunny, cool fall day.

We drove out into the middle of nowhere.  And we jumped.

The pre-recorded disclaimer by the attorney said it all.  He stated, and I quote, “I have no idea why someone would choose to jump out of a perfectly good plane.  But you have chosen to.”

We did.

The ride up was no big deal.  I kept rehearsing what needed to happen.

But that one moment, precariously balanced on the wing, staring down 10,000 feet to the ground, I had a thought, “What am I doing?”  Then, I recommitted, and we jumped.

And since I am writing this, we also landed.Are You ALL IN?

That jump made me think about one thing:  there has to be that time when you fully commit to something.  That moment when there is no turning back.  There is only going forward, leaping into the unknown and hoping for the best.

Working on your marriage requires that leap!

Sometimes, we get so caught up in becoming an expert in some new pursuit that we forget to jump.

If you want to save your marriage, you do need to gather some basic information and begin to create your strategy. (If you need help with that, grab my Save The Marriage System.)

But then, at some point, you have to commit and leap.

You can’t keep planning.  You have to get started.

Once you get started, you can work on fine-tuning your plan, learn more, and continue progressing.

Take a listen to my podcast, and if you are ready for some coaching “on the way down,” drop me an email!  Email me here.

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Do You WANT Your Marriage, Or Are You Playing Tug-Of-War?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I spend a good portion of my week responding to consultation emails and working with clients. This week, I had two cases that reminded me of a very important fact: we all have a tendency to play tug-of-war.

Let me explain with a personal example. A couple of years ago, I was at a conference. In the afternoon session, we were asked to turn and face another person, and place our arms in an arm wrestling position.

The instructions were simple: touch each others’ hand to the table as many times as possible in 60 seconds.

For the next minute, everyone in the room engaged in a strenuous match of arm wrestling. Few people got their count above 10, and that was mostly because of a mismatch in size and strength!

Then, the leaders pulled out a table and put their hands in position, but they cooperated! Each took turns having their hands hit to the table, and they were able to get over 90 touches in! They had given us the directions, but we were already poised to arm wrestle!

Now, back to saving marriages. When a spouse decides that he or she wants out, a tug-of-war can be set up. Our natural tendency is to pull in the opposite direction. In other words, they pull away, we pull toward the relationship!

So, this week, one woman told me how hard she was working to save her marriage. She also told me her husband had already had not one, not two, but three affairs! I suspect there were others! I told the woman that she needed to pause for a moment, and instead of trying to figure out how to save the marriage, she needed to ponder another question. She needed to decide on whether she could continue in a marriage with a philanderer. She suddenly realized that she could not do that.

The very next day, a woman started telling me about all her attempts to save her marriage, then noted the affair and abuse she had suffered through with her husband. Again, I got her to pause in her marriage-saving strategy and ask whether she wanted to have the marriage she was in. She is still thinking.

My point is this: are you just trying to save a marriage, or do you want that marriage? I am all about saving marriages, but I am also about having a marriage you want to have. Don’t get caught up in saving a marriage, and fail to see that if you did save it, you wouldn’t want it! Instead, focus on saving a marriage AND making it a marriage you can treasure!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
A Personal Note: 20 Years Of Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I have to pause and make a personal comment. You see, on August 13th, my wife and I celebrated 20 years of marriage! I tease that it was one hot day when we got married. It was in the mountains, but we really didn’t expect 90-some degrees, and since the stain-glass windows matched the bridesmaid’s dresses (hey, it was the ’80’s!), they were closed. . . many people thought I was tearful through the service as my father handed my a handkerchief. Actually, I was wiping sweat away!

Anyway, I was just thinking about those 20 years and the changes they have brought! We have two wonderful children, lots of experiences, and a great marriage. Some folks might say “oh, sure, you are a marriage expert.” But trust me when I say that your own marriage is a whole different creature than someone who is coming to you for help.

I firmly believe that 100% of marriages have difficulties. It is just the nature of being so intimately connected with someone else. You can’t go through too much life that closely connected without having conflicts and difficulties. But we have a commitment to get through those tough times. Marriage is about savoring the good times and working through the tough times, as a team.

Just the other day, we had a disagreement. During a lull in our discussion, my wife went downstairs. I soon followed, just to get another point on my side of the debate column. In the midst of my “making my point,” my wife looked at me and said, “look, we are in this for the long-haul. We have to work it out, and this doesn’t seem to be helping.” I agreed.

Several people have made this point, “you can be right or you can be happy, but you can’t be both.” When we opt for “right,” we end up in arguments that are rarely productive and usually about fairly trivial issues.

Marriage certainly is a challenge, but marriage is a challenge that leads to growth and change. It is like building muscle. If we don’t challenge our muscles, we don’t build any strength. When we opt to work through our struggles, we strengthen our marriage.

So here we are, twenty years later! Strange how we arbitrarily choose certain years as representative of mileposts in life. Twenty years is one of those years. But you see, I think a marriage is built day-by-day. Couples decide to work together each day, which add up to weeks, which add up to months, which add up to years.

In those years, we have been through financial struggles, professional struggles, transitions from graduate students to professionals, from childless to parents, had some health struggles, and more than our share of joys in all those areas. And through it all, what I am most thankful for is that I knew I had someone on my side, and I was on someone’s side. I am always aware of how much better it is to face the world together than alone.

My wife has supported me in many ventures, some that worked and others that failed. I have tried to do the same. My wife has loved me whether I was sick or well (and I am not fun to love when I am sick!). I have tried to do the same. Through it all, we are a team, and for that, I am most thankful!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Valentine’s Day Message: Why Marriages Last
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Very frequently, I am asked by individuals, couples, even the press, “what makes a marriage last?” I chuckle a little because the answer is so simple (simple is NOT the same as easy).

But before I tell you the secret, I am aware that we are quickly approaching Valentine’s Day. At least in the United States, this holiday has become a retailer’s dream (and many an individual’s nightmare!). We have woven this whole ideal of romance into the fabric of this day.

Do you know who Valentine was? The facts are a little sketchy, but the theory is that it started with a Roman celebration where a lottery was held, matching girls and boys together for the duration of the celebration. Some of these became marriages. That celebration was, evidently, around mid-February, probably on the 14th.

Then enter Emperor Claudius. Claudius outlawed marriage, so that the young men eligible to be soldiers would not be encumbered by marriage. But a Catholic priest, Valentine, continued to perform marriages. He defied the emperor to honor love.

This led to his imprisonment and beheading. So his martyrdom was celebrated on February 14th, partly to overtake the Pagan celebration by honoring love in Christian terms.

Valentine was quite the counter-cultural! He refused to allow an emperor to prevent the union of two people who wanted to be together. And we have managed to bring back only the romantic, sexualized nature of relationships in our current celebrations!

So, that is the apparent history of Valentine’s Day, which leads me to the secret of a lasting marriage. You see, we have taken this holiday and made romance the cake, not the icing on the cake.

The secret to a lasting marriage? Two people who choose to stay married. That’s it. Marriages that last don’t necessarily have less conflict, more sex, more money, less anger, or anything else we assume. Marriages that last do so because each person makes a daily decision to stay married.

The commitment to the marriage, then, is the cake! From that commitment, a couple decides to work through difficulties. And since there is a commitment, a couple realizes they must come to some solution to the problems that arise in any marriage. Their solution just does not involve dissolution of the marriage!

When there is commitment, the cake, then romance really is the icing on the cake! It is not that romance and romantic feelings are unimportant. They just should not lead us into believing that their absence means a marriage is over.

Every marriage, successful or not, has times when passion wanes. That is the natural pattern of relationships. But those that share a commitment end up carrying the day when the passion is not the glue of the relationship.

Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day, and commit to commitment in your marriage!

If you need tools to help you get to the icing on the cake, grab my ebook!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .