Close
Enter your
text here
Posts Tagged :

communication

What Is Important In Life?: Lessons from the summer
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Wow!  What a busy summer!  My guess is it is no different for you.  I always remember summers as a child.  The days flew by, but time slowed down.  It seemed that the world moved at a different pace.

I have been on several trips this summer, first on a mission trip with my daughter and then on a Boy Scout trip with my son.  In the meantime, my daughter went away for a language immersion program and the rest of the family took a break together on vacation.  Suddenly, I turn around and realize my blog sits without comment since May.

But all summer, I have been reflecting on what is important.  I spent my mission time in the Dominican Republic, a lush land that is quite poor.  The Scouts trip took us to the Bahamas, a harsh environment with great wealth.  And in between, I had 1 1/2 days to  clean up, rest, and fly out again.  In other words, I was in each environment within about 48 hours of each other.

There I am in the DR, meeting people who were hugging me, offering our group gifts, and seeing people in the cities and villages sitting together.  What emerged was the deep love and support of the people.  Then the Bahamas, with $20 million homes isolated on an island.  People created rules to keep others off “their” beaches.  LOTS of wealth, not so much community.

Let me be clear that these are general themes, and don’t apply to everyone.  But let me also say that although general, it was sure obvious to me.

So, what does matter?  That thick bank account, nice boat, nice car, beautiful house?  Or connection, support, relationships?

When my daughter returned from her journeys, she told us about the plaza in the village where she spent several weeks.  Everyone gathered there in the evenings, swapping stories and sitting together.  We talked about how absent that often is in the United States.  We are more likely to build fences than to sit together.

In spite of the fact that we are clearly social beings.  We are obviously made to be in relationships.

What about marriage?  How often do marriages end because a couple stopped attending to what was important:  the relationship.  Instead, they focused on gathering stuff, raising kids, chasing pursuits.

A study several years back examined spouses and communication.  It found that couples spend talking, when you take out the calendar issues and reporting on administrative issues, less than 4 minutes per day.  Go out on a date one evening and talk for 1/2 hour — you just wiped out a week’s worth of conversation!

Why do marriages find themselves in trouble?  Couples stop connecting, stop communicating, stop sharing.  Slowly, the need finds other places to be.  Then one day, they look at each other and realize the disconnection is deep.

What is important?  My vote is “relationships.”  How about your vote?

Four “You’s” Could Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Just a couple weeks ago, one of my clients gave me a bit of business advice that’s been directly applicable to saving a marriage. I wanted to share it with you.

My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important “you’s” that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.

Here are the four “you’s:”
1. “How are you?”
2. “What can I do for you?”
3. “Thank you.”
4. “I appreciate/love you.”

Those are the crucial four “you’s.” Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?

What would happen, if you don’t already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don’t mean the quick “how are you?” I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you’re like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.

Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking “if you don’t do for me, I won’t do for you.”

Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don’t do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!

Or how about. “Thank you?” Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.

The final “you” is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word “love” at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don’t feel appreciated, don’t do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.

By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.

Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.

********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Excuse #3: “I Can’t Do Anything!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Do you feel hopeless and unable to change the outcome of your relationship? Then excuse #3 may be the thought that is running through your mind: “I want to do something, but there isn’t anything I can do.”

Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.” In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.

But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!

Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Think about that — if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.

The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.

Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).

In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!

Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.

Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, “I can’t do anything,” in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.

********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
. . . And Avoid That Romantic Weekend Away!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

My last post warned you about the “Big Relationship Talk.” Bet you never imagined hearing a Relationship Coach or Therapist warn you about communicating!

Really, my warning was about hoping that big talk would iron out long-standing issues. The talk ends up being too “loaded” — too many expectations, too much importance, and too much of the conversation has already happened in the head of one or the other.

Today, I am sending a warning out about taking that “romantic getaway” as a means of reconnecting and starting fresh. Again, you may be thinking, “why is this guy killing my romantic reconnection.” I am all for that, but I also know that these “romantic getaways” are rife with potential disappointment.

Just like that big talk, both parties end up playing out the weekend, often in great detail (or fantasy) without being able to speak to these expectations. So, off you go, on the weekend trip, with huge expectations.

At the start of the trip, you may be disconnected, and expect to return connected. But when you leave disconnected, you end up trying to go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. Possible, but neither likely nor comfortable.

Instead, postpone the trip for when you are feeling connected. Take small trips — the coffee shop for a chat, the bookstore for a perusal, the movies, a walk around the neighborhood — as a way to reconnect. Then, when you feel reconnected, spend your money on a romantic weekend that has a chance to live up to the fantasy in your head!

********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Why “Let’s Talk” Doesn’t Work
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Sometimes, when a couple is having trouble, they decide to try to deal with it. And when they decide to deal with it, sometimes they are effective, and other times they create more damage.

Today, a quick note about the damaging approach: The Big Talk about the relationship. You know the one; it’s the talk that will pull things back together. You will share, your spouse will suddenly understand, you two will make up, and marital bliss will follow. OK, that’s the mental picture you hold.

I’m afraid I have to break the news. That talk is not going to go the way you want it to go. In fact, you are likely to find yourself in the midst of a fight, worse off than you were before.

The reason is this: marriages get in trouble because the level of intimacy has either always been off, or has gotten off-course. That may seem obvious, but the side-effect of this is that when you are trying to have “The Big Talk,” there is not enough intimacy in the relationship to contain it.

So, you end up with a defensive spouse who feels threatened by being “pulled into” a discussion that was not his or her idea. Then he or she feels blamed, no matter how you try to explain your fault (if you see any) in yourself.

Usually, we play out the scenario in our minds about the conversation, how we will start it, how our spouse will respond, and how it will end. But our spouse doesn’t know the script, and doesn’t even know we have been pondering the conversation, until he or she hears “we need to talk.” That will strike fear into anyone (probably even stronger in men).

So, right off the bat, anxiety is up, fear is rampant, and the possibility of actually hearing is reduced by 90%. The rest is just playing out the recipe for disaster.

That doesn’t mean you don’t talk. It means you build intimacy along the way, before you have the bigger, deeper talks. Spend time reconnecting, being friends, having chats about your thoughts and your life (outside the relationship). Once that level of intimacy is reached, it is possible to have deeper talks, but by that time, it won’t be “The Big Talk,” just another talk about your relationship.

********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .