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“Can EVERY Marriage Be Saved?”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I get asked this quite frequently.  And my answer is “No, not every marriage can be saved.  But many more can be saved than are.”

Here is what I mean:  a solid marriage is created by two people.  However, one person can choose to end it for any number of reasons.  Sometimes, the reason is good.  For example, someone may choose to leave an abusive relationship.  Or someone may decide that being married to an addicted person is hurting them too much to stay.

But many times, people end marriages for the wrong reasons:  they feel unloved or unaccepted, they think somewhere else or someone else is better, or they think that they have lost love.

These are all issues that can be addressed and solved, and once it is solved, the marriage can even be stronger!

But many people are unaware of another solution.  And sometimes, people want to take the “easy way out.”  I put that in quotes because in the end, divorce is no easy way out.  It just pretends to be.

Marriage takes effort.  Marriage takes knowledge.  Marriage takes two people willing to let down their defenses, and to join together as a team.

Can every marriage be saved?  No.  But can YOUR marriage be saved?  You won’t know until you give it a try.  Learn what you need to in order to save your marriage here.

I Am Sore and Tired (And What That Has To Do With Saving Your Marriage!)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I admit it!  I am tired.  I am sore.  I have discovered muscles I didn’t know I had, and ones I didn’t know could hurt!

Here’s the thing:  for years, I have been a trail runner.  I love being in the woods, seeing the changing seasons, and running with my Yellow Lab, Sunny.  We have  a blast!

But then, winter hit.  It was cold, but worse, it was wet — very wet!  And it never stayed cold enough to freeze the ground.  And it seemed that on every running day, it rained.  Well, as much as I love running, I am not so fond of bathing my 110 pound dog. . . and he is not so fond of being bathed!

End result?  I kept putting off another run. . . until suddenly a few months had passed and I had not hit the trails.  The end result for me?  I got out of shape.

So, fast-forward to last week.  I decided enough was enough, and I started exercising again.  I got a plan, and I started on it.  I knew there would be a price. . . pain and discomfort.  Sure enough, the next morning after day one, I was a bit sore.  By that night, I hurt!  exercise

But guess what I did on day 2?  I exercised.  Day 3?  New muscle pain.  I exercised.  Day 4, I had to get up an hour earlier to get in my exercise, but I did.  Same thing on day 5, 6, and 7.  In fact, that is my intention.  To get up an hour earlier, if necessary, and get in my exercise time.

I have to admit — when the alarm goes off, I have to argue with myself.  The bed is warm, the house is quiet, and I could easily grab another hour of sleep. . . but I don’t.  Because I made a commitment to myself, and I intend on keeping it.  As my wife reminds me, “consult your plan, not your feelings.”

So. . . what, you might wonder, does this have to do with your marriage (and saving it)?

Most people who come to me have not taken the best care of their marriage relationship.  Perhaps life got in the way — or fear, or anxiety, or anger, or just not realizing you needed to.

The marriage got “flabby,” out of shape, inflexible, and weak.  Sound familiar?

So, you decide to get that marriage back into shape.  Guess what?  It is not going to be easy.  You will feel pain in places you didn’t know you had.  You will discover things about yourself, your spouse, and your relationship, that you never knew before.

Oh, and did I say that after a week of exercising, I am not yet in peak shape?  I know — I looked in the mirror!  Frustrating as it may be, once you get out of shape, it takes both effort and time (in fact, sustained effort over time) to get to where you want to be).

Same is true for your relationship.  It takes time and effort.  It means refusing to get discouraged.  It requires you to make a plan, then stick with it, regardless of how you are feeling!  Remember, “consult your plan, not your feelings.”

When it doesn’t feel like you are making headway.  When another obstacle gets in your way.  When you just can’t quite get there.  That is when you dig in, keep getting up, and keep moving forward.

So, to quickly recap:

1)  This ain’t easy work.

2)  But make a plan.

3)  Stick with it:  “Consult your plan, not your feelings.”

4)  Reap the benefits.

Now, a reality check:  sometimes, people get so out of shape — let their bodies get to such a point of disrepair — that exercise can be deadly.

Unfortunately, that is sometimes true in a marriage.  Sometimes, the relationship has deteriorated too far.  The damage is too great.  The marriage might finally heave a final breath.  The marriage might end.

Problem is, you can never tell whether this is the case or not.  Some people who look like they are on the verge of death begin exercising and come back to life.  The same is true for marriages.

How can you tell?  Try getting your relationship back to life.  The worst thing that happens is you look in the mirror and say “I did my best.”  But the best thing that could happen?  You could save your marriage!

“How Dare You Tell Me To Save My Marriage!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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. . . that was the opening line from an email I just received. The writer was clearly angry, feeling that I was pressuring her into saving her marriage.

So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.

There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.

Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.

Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.

The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!

Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!

Oh, and that doesn’t factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.

Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!

Again, it is a couple’s choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.

If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you’d rather not, I wish you well.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Do You WANT Your Marriage, Or Are You Playing Tug-Of-War?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I spend a good portion of my week responding to consultation emails and working with clients. This week, I had two cases that reminded me of a very important fact: we all have a tendency to play tug-of-war.

Let me explain with a personal example. A couple of years ago, I was at a conference. In the afternoon session, we were asked to turn and face another person, and place our arms in an arm wrestling position.

The instructions were simple: touch each others’ hand to the table as many times as possible in 60 seconds.

For the next minute, everyone in the room engaged in a strenuous match of arm wrestling. Few people got their count above 10, and that was mostly because of a mismatch in size and strength!

Then, the leaders pulled out a table and put their hands in position, but they cooperated! Each took turns having their hands hit to the table, and they were able to get over 90 touches in! They had given us the directions, but we were already poised to arm wrestle!

Now, back to saving marriages. When a spouse decides that he or she wants out, a tug-of-war can be set up. Our natural tendency is to pull in the opposite direction. In other words, they pull away, we pull toward the relationship!

So, this week, one woman told me how hard she was working to save her marriage. She also told me her husband had already had not one, not two, but three affairs! I suspect there were others! I told the woman that she needed to pause for a moment, and instead of trying to figure out how to save the marriage, she needed to ponder another question. She needed to decide on whether she could continue in a marriage with a philanderer. She suddenly realized that she could not do that.

The very next day, a woman started telling me about all her attempts to save her marriage, then noted the affair and abuse she had suffered through with her husband. Again, I got her to pause in her marriage-saving strategy and ask whether she wanted to have the marriage she was in. She is still thinking.

My point is this: are you just trying to save a marriage, or do you want that marriage? I am all about saving marriages, but I am also about having a marriage you want to have. Don’t get caught up in saving a marriage, and fail to see that if you did save it, you wouldn’t want it! Instead, focus on saving a marriage AND making it a marriage you can treasure!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Four “You’s” Could Save Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Just a couple weeks ago, one of my clients gave me a bit of business advice that’s been directly applicable to saving a marriage. I wanted to share it with you.

My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important “you’s” that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.

Here are the four “you’s:”
1. “How are you?”
2. “What can I do for you?”
3. “Thank you.”
4. “I appreciate/love you.”

Those are the crucial four “you’s.” Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?

What would happen, if you don’t already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don’t mean the quick “how are you?” I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you’re like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.

Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking “if you don’t do for me, I won’t do for you.”

Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don’t do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!

Or how about. “Thank you?” Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.

The final “you” is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word “love” at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don’t feel appreciated, don’t do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.

By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.

Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Here is my Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage! This is a partial list of the mistakes I see people make when they want to save their marriage. Sometimes, it is best to learn from others’ mistakes, rather than make it yourself.

10) Do nothing! Don’t worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident, threat, etc.) will pass!

Ah, the old “bury your head in the sand approach!” The reality is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass. Let’s be honest: over time, this strategy builds up more and more resentment, then finally, everything falls apart. You can act surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down inside, that you ignored things way too long.

It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis. Rarely is there one “precipitating event” that suddenly ends the marriage. Instead, it is the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems ignored, which finally creates so much frustration that the “house of cards” falls.

So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!

9) Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!

When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to “figure it out!” One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein, “the same level of thinking that created the problem will not solve the problem.” In other words, when we only use the thought processes that led us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem.

We all get stuck in our thought patterns. Once we establish them, we don’t change much. Think about it: don’t all of your spousal arguments basically follow the same pattern. Doesn’t your daily routine pretty much go the same? We like “sameness,” and change is a bit of a threat. Even the painful sameness is better than the unknown — at least that’s what we tend to believe.

Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help and information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.

8) Grab some “free advice!” Hey, free is good, right?

Almost always, free advice is worth about that — nothing! When you are injured, do you seek out some “free advice” on that injury? Or when you need some legal advice, do you just get some “free advice?”

So why, when your most important relationship is on the line, would you just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a “transaction society.” We make trades and transactions to get what we don’t have. And knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away anything worthwhile.

The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you REALLY treasure your relationship? If I told you how to save $20,000 instantly, would you pay for it? Well, that is the minimal cash value of your failed marriage. In other words, a divorce in the U.S. averages $20K. Save your marriage, save $20K.

And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? What is the worth of that? Really, what price would you put on that? I ask because I know of plenty of people who think nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day, a couple of $3 packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. Then, when they go looking for advice to save their marriage, want to find some free advice.

It is always about value, and the value you place on your marriage. Free advice? Probably more costly than you can ever realize in the long run.

7) Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!

We authors don’t like to admit this, but statistics show that upwards of 80% of self-help books that are bought are never read. Imagine that! The answer may be right there! You took the time to get a resource, either because the cover looked nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were desperate.

Then, onto the bedside stand it goes, underneath the magazines, the daily paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.

The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck at the bottom of a stack, never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off the information and give it a read! At least give it a chance. You’ve already invested your money in it. Why not give it a test drive?

6) Read the information, but then don’t do anything! It won’t work in your situation, anyway!

OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . . but then you took no action! Maybe the information seemed impossible, far-fetched, too easy, too complicated, or just dead wrong! Now you do need to use your better judgement, but perhaps it is worth a try!

What you’ve been doing has clearly not gotten the results you wanted. So, perhaps it is time to try something new. Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign, unnatural. But it is really like anything new: repetition builds skill. What seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly, what seemed impossible seems elementary.

Again, remember Einstein’s quote. Doing what you’ve done hasn’t gotten you what you want. What’s the risk of trying something different?

5) Get bad information from unqualified sources. Hey, any information is better than no information. . . right?

As you have already discovered, there are lots of “experts” willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. Be sure your “expert” is really just that. At a minimum, make sure they actually have some training, not just their own experience! They don’t have to have a Ph.D., but if they can’t tell you about their training, other than “been there, done that,” move on!

Experts are experts because they have worked in the field, received training, and have some ideas on how to help you. The others are experts in marketing. Be sure and distinguish between the two.

Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also the “doctors?” They weren’t trained, caused lots of damage, but that was the only choice. Well, we don’t live in the “wild West” anymore, and there are plenty of real experts. Get their advice and avoid the damage of well-meaning but ill-equiped “experts.”

4) Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better. . . right?

Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too long, until one day someone wakes up and says “enough.” Then the other person jumps into high gear! They try to make “date nights,” meaningful conversations, do the housework, get another job. . . just about anything to make it work!

Instead, pick a couple of things. Be consistent with them, and try a slow approach. Building from zero takes some time. But if you try the “everything at once” approach, you will scare your spouse away.

3) Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!

This is a very common situation. You see, we all are master “scriptwriters,” often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our minds! We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging and pleading. Problem is, they are working off a different script.

If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling, their reflex is to pull back, matching power with power. It is no different in verbal tug-of-war. The harder I try to convince someone of something counter to what they have said, the reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in the belief.

So th
e arguing, “reasoning,” begging and pleading have the opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the relationship.

2) Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really about their “issue.” Then they will see how unhealthy they are!

Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is a) their midlife crisis, b) they are never satisfied, c) really about their dysfunctional family, c) some other diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

You may be dead-on! Problem is, you are not going to be seen as an objective provider of a diagnosis. Instead, you will only be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done, if at all, by an impartial, outside expert or by one’s self.

1) Try to prove how much you need them! Surely, just seeing they are needed will get them to stay!

Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to leave, feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel manipulated.

I’ve seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much they need the other person. I have seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc., etc., etc. And in every case, the person who wants out says “see?” It’s hard to argue with that. Being needy is never attractive, and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than to not be needed.

Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while trying to save it. I could go on for many more. I think I have seen every mistake possible.

My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think through what you are doing and how you are doing it as you try to save your marriage. There is little more noble or heroic in today’s society than trying to hold a relationship together. I just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not harmful ways.

So, what are your list? In other words, what mistakes have you made in your efforts to save your marriage?

More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Bad Advice!: Not All You Read Is Helpful!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

OK, rant time!

I have tried, for as long as I have been on the internet, to avoid pointing the finger at marriage advice on the internet. But I can’t be quiet any longer!

When I started offering help with marriages in 2001, there were maybe 2 of us on the internet. Now, there is an explosion of ebooks and advice on how to save your marriage. Most even borrowed my subtitle: “Even if only you want to.”

My problem is not about the competition. In my mind, there really is no competition. If people are genuinely offering good advice with the intent of helping to save a marriage, I have no problem.

I have often said that my job is to put myself out of business. If I could save every marriage, my job would be done! I could pull out the hammock, put it up between the coconut trees, grab my cool drink, and watch the tide come in. Not much chance of that little fantasy!

So, my problem is not the “competition.” It is the horrible advice I am seeing out there. You probably have seen it, too. And you may have even been tempted by it.

Almost always, the advice tries to give you some easy answer (or an answer you would love to hear). Saving a marriage takes effort! No amount of “magic potions,” hypnosis, reverse psychology, “make your spouse jealous,” or “how to be a great lover” advice is going to put “poor Humpty together again!”

So much of the advice is based in deception! Who ever believed they could fool someone into staying married?? Oh, sure, the reverse psychology (basically agreeing with your spouse, so that they are disarmed) may give you a little time to get moving, but very little time. Whenever we seek to manipulate someone, it will come back to bite you in the butt!

Magic potions? Come one! Love, and restoring love, is magic enough. Saying a few wishful words is not going to make it so. If you have seen “The Secret,” that is my biggest gripe with it. It is not that I don’t believe in intention. I do think that what we focus on, we often create. If nothing else, because we notice what we focus on, this works.

But if we think we can just sit back and imagine our spouse coming back, then we miss the important part: action! Something has to change. We have to change! Again, I am not against visualization. It is a fine place to start, but you can’t imagine yourself into a new relationship! You have to take action — and you have to take the right action!

Which brings us to the information that inspired this rant! I was reading an article by someone who wrote an ebook (“He Who Shall Not Be Named,” mostly because name-calling seems a little juvenile). Now this person is really an internet marketer that decided there was a buck to be made here. Which is why I think the advice is so dangerous. It is not tested, not clinical, and based in making money.

What this person suggests is aimed at men: if you are separated, you should date and pursue other women! He says this will help with your self-esteem and -respect! He says it will make your wife jealous!

So, first, this may fit into some male fantasy, but it is just that — fantasy!

Second, it basically means that someone is going out to “use” someone as a way of getting a spouse back. Does that not just seem really cruel, and in fact bordering on immoral? It is not that someone has decided that the marriage is over and starts looking to establish another relationship. It is establishing a “relationship” with the plan that it will get a marriage back on track!

Third, in many instances, the end result is one of two paths: it either tanks any chance at reconciliation or creates more wounds that must be overcome. Many spouses will see this as a sign that the marriage really is over, and emotionally leave at that point. The rest, if there is a reconciliation, will now have a trust issue and hurt that must be overcome.

Finally, anyone that sees this as a path to self-worth and self-esteem has WAAAY underestimated their worth. Reducing oneself so a “conquest” is a low place to go.

So, as you look for advice, I would hope you would pose a couple of questions:

1) Consider the source. Is this an expert or just someone with an opinion?

2) As you read, does the person offer the promise of an easy and simple, no work answer? Marriages do not get in trouble overnight, and it takes a while to get them back on course.

3) Can you, with integrity, follow the advice? At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. If you manipulate someone, are you OK with yourself? If it works, will you say to yourself, “yeah, but I tricked him/her into staying”? Above all, be true to yourself.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
The Best Information Fails If. . . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

I don’t understand it! I have been a member of my local YMCA for several months now, but I don’t see a difference in my muscle tone or my waist! It makes no sense to me.

Oh, and a friend of mine went to the doctor, found out he had high blood pressure. The doctor gave him a prescription. He also recommended several changes in his lifestyle. But to no avail! His blood pressure is still elevated. He is frustrated (which doesn’t help the pressure!)

Did I mention that I haven’t actually gone to the gym yet? I probably forgot to mention that. My friend? He hasn’t gotten the prescription filled, and he was telling me about his blood pressure over lunch (he was having one of those big, juicy cheeseburgers and a side of onion rings) that we crammed in between several tough meetings that day. . . .

I recently read a statistic that really bothered me as a writer: 95% of self-help books are never read. Of the 5% that are read, I wonder how many people actually take the information and implement it.

You are probably trying to find some useful information to help you with your marriage. The best information will be of no help if it is not implemented.

I don’t know how many times people have called me and said “I read your book, and it didn’t help at all.” I ask, “what did you do? What did you change?” They usually stutter and stammer a few moments, then admit that they read the material, but they did nothing to actually change anything.

So, if you are ready to change your marriage, don’t just become an information addict! Read the material, then implement it! Those two steps probably put you ahead of 99% of the population!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
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