Close
Enter your
text here
Posts Tagged :

how to get the love back

What About Love?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

What about love? Where does love fit into the process of saving your marriage? How do you get back to love?A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love.  The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love.

I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?”  The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?”

And there is the root of the problem.  We have been struggling to define and describe what love even is for centuries, if not millennia.  And we are still trying.

More than that, the loving feeling is not what you really are trying to return to.  It is certainly a side-effect, but not what you want to try for.

And more than that, love is not even a clear indicator of marital success — maybe because it is so hard to define and describe.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I talk the question, “What About Love?”  Where does it fit into your efforts to save your marriage?  Where does it fit into any marriage?

Listen in below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Love as Action
Self-Expansion and Marriage Success
The Importance of Connection
Changing Yourself
3 C Approach
Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Book:  Recovering From The Affair
Program:  Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Love Is What You Do: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

Love is what you DO.“I just don’t feel it anymore,” she told me.

So I asked, “What are you not feeling?”

“Love.”  She told me she no longer loved her husband.

I asked, “What are you doing to be loving?”

She looked up, a bit surprised.  “What?  I just told you, I don’t love him.”

I challenged her, “I heard you say you don’t FEEL love, but I didn’t ask that.  I asked what you were DOING to be loving.”

She admitted she was doing nothing.  Because she didn’t feel anything.

I think she had the equation wrong.  She wasn’t feeling any love because she had stopped being loving.  To be fair, they both had stopped being loving.  No surprise that the feelings pretty much evaporated at that point.

Here’s the problem:  Love is a complicated word.  It has many meanings and many shades.  But when a marriage is in trouble, almost always, the default definition is the feeling of being in love.  Then, that is used as the yardstick of the relationship.

Unfortunately, those feelings are a result of acting lovingly.  But people keep waiting for the feeling to be there, so they would feel like acting.

Listen below on why this is the wrong move, wrong direction.  And how to change it.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS