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how to save a marriage

Frustrated and Ready To Give Up? Don’t!: #25, Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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how to save your marriage when you are frustrated and want to give up.Just the other day, “Sue” wrote me to tell me she was ready to quit.  She told me that her husband had been involved in an emotional affair, and she discovered the emails.  When confronted, her husband told Sue that he did not love Sue and had been unhappy for years.

Sue decided to take matters in her own hands and save her marriage.  She changed herself and worked on improving the connection with her husband.  In fact, Sue went into “overdrive” in her efforts.  Several weeks in, she was exhausted, hurt and scared.  Her husband told her that he saw the efforts, but it was too late.

In her email, Sue told me she was ready to give up, but wanted to know what I thought.  She asked, “do I have a snowball’s chance in hell of saving this?”  Unfortunately, I don’t have a crystal ball.

But I do know this:  Sue was at a very normal, very predictable stage in the process of a marriage crisis.  In this audio, I will tell you the stages, and will also tell you one more thing:  sometimes people give up just before a breakthrough.  Sometimes, the resistance and frustration is highest just before a shift — but people either give up or try to force it.

Do you want to know the secret on what to do?  Take a listen to the audio.

Then let me know what you think in the comments area below!

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Save Your Marriage: End Limiting Beliefs
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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“What can I do?,” cried Sharon, “I can’t do anything!  I don’t even know where to start!  I want to save my marriage, but he refuses to even think about it.”  And with that, Sharon launched into a discussion that lasted at least 25 minutes, telling me why nothing could be done, why her marriage was a lost cause, and how she was useless.

After several attempts to slow down the avalanche of hopelessness, I finally got Sharon’s attention:  “Okay, so there is nothing you can do.  This is helpless.  And your marriage is over.  Is that correct?,” I asked.  Sharon, looking out through tearful eyes, blurted “Yes!  It is useless!”

“Then why are you here?,” I implored.  “You know I work to help people save their marriages.  So my guess is you have some hope.”

“Hope, no.  Maybe wishful thinking,” Sharon replied.

“Well,” I noted, “your first problem IS your thinking, but it is not particularly wishful.  You already have placed limits on yourself.  You have very limiting beliefs.  And that is your first problem.”

Sharon had no idea what a limiting belief was, and had less understanding on what it mattered.  So I explained.

save your marriageWhat are Limiting Beliefs?

Below our conscious thinking, we have a built in group of beliefs that actually form and create our thoughts.  They are filters that allow us to see the world in certain ways and blind us to seeing the world in other ways.  Our built-in beliefs flavor our daily life, our thoughts, and our actions in ways that we are only slightly aware.

These beliefs can be aspirational or fearful.  They can be freeing or restraining.  Some beliefs show possibilities and some show limitations.  Most are only partially correct or entirely false.  Your beliefs about how to save your marriage are usually limiting.

Our fearful beliefs are powerful, and dangerous, for one important reason:  they operate invisibly — at least until we identify and name them.  These same beliefs lose their power when daylight is cast upon them.  When they can be examined, they evaporate.

Aspirational beliefs, on the other hand, grow stronger by being seen in the light of day.  They begin to move us in stronger and more powerful ways when they are understood and embraced.

So bringing fearful beliefs into the open destroys them and bringing aspirational beliefs into the open strengthens them.

Which raises the question of why we don’t bring them into the open more often?  First, many people fail to notice these beliefs in operation.  Second, we have to poke around a bit in areas that make us fearful.

But if you want to save your marriage, you need to examine those fearful beliefs and let them go.  They do not serve you!

Think of the limiting beliefs as chains that keep you stuck to the ground, bound to one place.  Think of your aspirational beliefs as freeing — cutting the chains to allow you to fly!  They allow you to shift to new places and new possibilities.

Where Do Limiting Beliefs Originate?

Our limiting beliefs are built over a lifetime.  It is a result of what we witnessed with our caretakers, how we were loved and cared for, how our siblings and friends related to us and us to them, and how other relationships in our lives have progressed.

Here is the interesting thing, and very important to know:  Our Aspirational Beliefs and our Limiting Beliefs (fear-based) are mirror images of each other!

What you most hope for, and what you most fear — mirror images.  You may, for example, hope for a loving and caring, well-connected marriage.  What you fear, then, is a marriage that is unloving, uncaring and disconnected.

This next point is equally important:  when that Limiting Belief is made conscious and examined, the Aspirational Belief grows and the Limiting Belief dims.  It is like the negative side of the mirror steams over and cannot be seen anymore.

Why Limiting Beliefs Can Stop Your Attempts To Save Your Marriage

If you want to save your marriage, you need to be much more clear about your limiting beliefs.  For example, if your limiting belief is that someone cannot truly love you, you will unconsciously rebuff the attempts of somebody trying to love you.  Over time, the other person will tire of trying to prove his/her love.  This makes it even harder to save your marriage, as your spouse has become frustrated with the process.

Or what if you say you want to save your marriage, but you do not believe your marriage can be saved.  Your actions to save your marriage will be short-lived.  You will take some action to save your marriage, become frustrated, reinforce your belief, and give up on your efforts to save your marriage.

In other words, your limiting beliefs will sabotage both attaining the marriage you want, then work against your efforts to save your marriage.

The next posts will point to some common limiting beliefs.

But now it is your turn.  What do YOU see as YOUR limiting beliefs?

Politics and Marriage: Lessons for EVERY Couple!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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It must be that time.  My mind drifts to politics — and usually to my exhaustion and disgust for the process.  Oh, don’t get me wrong.  I do believe we need a political process.  But, it is broken.  All that fighting.  All that looking at what is different.  All the ignoring of common grounds.

Both parties seem to ignore what the other one says.  Both pretend to have a corner on what is right.

Neither side seems to be able to make room to even contemplate the other side might have a point.

And forget working on compromises!  It is the “my way or the highway” approach.  And yet both sides need the other for balance.

Oh.  Did I mention that I am talking about the couples that come to my office for help with their marriage?

Sorry about that.  Sometimes, it seems that the couples are doing the same thing as the national political parties.

Just this morning, I listened for quite a while as each person let the other know what he/she had done wrong, how she/he should have done it, and why failure was eminent.

This morning, it was about parenting.  But it could have been about money, sex, religion, occupational choice, home choice, how the grass was cut, how the dinner was cooked, how the rug was vacuumed, etc., etc., etc.

After letting it go on a bit, I paused them and asked each to tell me what was RIGHT about what the other person had said.  That jolted them!

They had simply stopped considering this.  They were ready to tell me what was WRONG, not what was RIGHT.  But I pushed.

Then, sheepishly, the wife admitted “we agree on almost everything.  We really only have slight differences.”

I observed, “yet those slight differences have left you arguing for 20 minutes here, for over an hour last night, and my guess is lots more time over the years.”

Both were quiet.  But both agreed with me.

And that, to me, is the tragedy of politics, both household and national.  We spend so much time arguing our point, we refuse to listen — to REALLY listen — to the other side.  We make the other side into a caricature.  We pretend there is only one way, and OURS is it.  Even though we know, deep down inside, that this is a lie.

Perhaps it is human nature to do that, to argue and disagree.

But perhaps it is our capacity to rise above this that really shows our higher nature.

Working cooperatively.

It is a choice we have every single day.

Will we work for our common interests or just push against each other?

I constantly see the results of pushing against each other.

But just often enough for me to be optimistic, I see people rise above and work for the common good.

Your choice.  What will YOU choose today?

How To Save A Marriage Through Connection
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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“What IS the secret to saving a marriage?” I am asked that marriage on a daily basis. In fact, just this morning, I was speaking with “Donna.”

She asked the same thing: “We are in deep trouble, and I didn’t even know it! We have 2 kids, and hectic lives. I knew we weren’t connecting much, but I didn’t know we were headed for trouble. . . until he asked me for a divorce!”

I have heard the same story over and over. People get married, get settled into life, and get into trouble. Whether is is kids, jobs, school, hobbies, friends, or some other distraction, life pulls at us.

The real issue? Connection. Simple as that. Connected marriages weather the storms. Disconnected marriages wither and die.

Donna told me about the signs that she missed along the way. She told me that all she wanted now was to save her marriage. Problem was, her husband had completely disconnected.

But truth is, their marriage problems started some time ago, when they stopped feeding and watering the relationship.

So, confession time: I have killed a few houseplants in my time. All unintentional. But still, the dead remnants have ended up in the trash more than once (or even twice).

So what happened? That plant was nice and green when I brought it in! I found what I thought were perfect spots for the plants, and they certainly looked good sitting there. . . for a while.

Oh, sure, at first, I made sure they were watered and had fertilizer sticks put in. But at some point, I forgot how long it had been since I had replaced the stick.

Then, at some point, I didn’t tend to the watering quite so carefully. Usually, I realized it, and got back to watering. The wilting plant would spring back to life!

But I noticed a leaf or two would drop. The drought had affected it!

I would then start slipping back into old habits, until the dirt was poor and dry.

Then, there came a point when I could not catch up! I could not bring the plant back to life! It had withered and died.

My point is, marriages are a lot like the plants. They need to be tended, kept up. Watered, fertilized, placed in healthy spots.

What is the water and fertilizer of marriage? So glad you asked!

Connection. Connection with each other. You see, we humans are made to be in connection, in relationship. We NEED someone else for our connection needs to be met.

But we forget that is natural, and assume that need is unnatural, dependent, even codependent! That causes us to stop connecting.

Oh, it is certainly innocent, at least at first. But over time, when we don’t feel we are getting connection, we stop giving connection.

And we literally starve the relationship!

Until it cannot recover.

Don’t keep waiting! Decide you will reach out and connect. Decide you want to move toward your spouse. Decide NOT to worry about how your spouse is NOT moving toward you.

If you want to know more on how to save your marriage, please take a look at Save The Marriage.