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how to save your marriage

Why Marriages Get Into Trouble — All Marriages!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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If you are wanting to know how to save your marriage, you want to start by understanding why marriages get into trouble.  And when I say marriages, yes I mean all marriages!  It is just that some marriages work through the issues, or resolve them.

So, for just a second, while considering saving a marriage, let me reflect from a distance on the two primary reasons marriages get into trouble, and what ultimately leads to broken marriages.  And they are interlinked.

Reason 1:  Marriages get into trouble because couples fail to forgive.

Reason 2:  Marriages get into trouble because couples fail to grow.

From there, everything else spins out.  Now don’t get me wrong, I do not think you should be a door mat, always ready to forgive anything without any change.  But how often do we continue to drag the accumulated small stuff around — for years, if not decades?  All without forgiveness.

The problem is, when we don’t forgive, we disconnect, just a little bit.  We keep parts of ourselves out, withhold emotions, affections, thoughts, etc.  We begin to strangle the relationship.  Over time, the unforgiveness takes root and becomes resentment.  Resentment is the poison of any relationship.

Think of it as carbon monoxide.  It slowly keeps the life-giving oxygen from getting to the body.  And you don’t even notice, save the headache!  And once it is in, it takes time to get it out.

Then, there is the growth/change bit.  I truly believe we have only two options:  growing or rotting.  Ray Kroc said, “you are either green and growing or ripe and rotting.”  Stop growing and changing, and you are dying.

In a relationship, even more so.  I don’t know how many people I have seen that have stopped growing relationally when they married.  They start acting like they have the relationship, so there really is no reason to keep moving forward.  Over time, couples get into ruts, stuck in routines, and mostly stuck keeping each other a bit apart.

What if you decided today, without any change on your spouse’s part, to forgive your spouse for all those things that have piled up, and decided to grow?  Would that save your marriage?

First, listen to that voice saying “what about my spouse?  What do they have to do?”  Unfortunately, it is just you and me, so you can only change you.  So start with what you CAN change, and don’t focus on what you can’t.

Second, realize that forgiveness is really for YOU!  So that YOU do not have to keep dragging that pile of crap around any longer!

Third, look for areas in which you know you need to grow.  We all have them.  Make it your path to GROW the rest of your life, in your relationship and elsewhere.

Finally, if you are ready for a little growth, take a look at my material on how to save a marriage.

Fire Ring, Our Thoughts and Prayers are With You!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Generally, I don’t move far off the topic of how to save your marriage.

However, this morning, I have been glued to the TV and to the Hawaii Civil Beat blog, watching the developments from the devastating earthquake in Japan.

To all affected in the Pacific Fire Ring, know that we are thinking of you and praying for you this day, and in the coming days!

It is always amazing to see how life can shift so quickly. One event, and your world changes!

Valentine’s Day & Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I am sitting here at my desk, the morning of Valentine’s Day — a favorite holiday of some, feared by many!  In the background, my iPod is playing (by coincidence I assure you!), “All You Need Is Love.”

Ahh, romance is in the air.  Try going to the store and not being assaulted by pink, red and white.  Cards, candies, fragrances, stuffed animals, flowers, balloons, lingerie, oh my!  I sometimes am confused on whether romance is in the air, or the smell of money for retailers.

So much pressure has been put on this one day. . . and yet all the day should be is a reminder of romance and love.  And no, they are not the same.  Romance is the chemical drug that often has us disregarding logic and reason.  It pulls us into circumstances and chances that are beyond our rational decision-making — sometimes for good and sometimes for ill.

What should you do, this day, if you find yourself in the midst of a struggling relationship?  How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day then?  As I write this, I am responding to a question I have now been hearing from clients for over 3 weeks:  “what do I do about Valentine’s Day?”  Fearful of doing nothing and making things worse, people are also fearful of doing something and making things worse.  The proverbial rock and a hard place.

So, let’s boil it down again, without the “help” of the malls and stores.  Valentine’s Day is a chance to say “I care for you, I love you.”  It can also say “I am STILL attracted to you, believe it or not.”  So, here is my simple suggestion:  make it simple but thoughtful.  Generally, that means a card and a thoughtful token.  Not jewelry or lingerie if your relationship is struggling.

Why?  Simple:  too much pressure.  Instead, go with the distilled sense of what this day is about, the reminder of love.

First step, finding a card that doesn’t gush, doesn’t presume, and doesn’t pressure.  Something that says “I love you.”

Second step, finding a thoughtful token.  Perhaps a favorite dessert or a CD.  Maybe a thoughtful book (NOT one on fixing your marriage!).  Perhaps a box of truffles.  The big thing here is to not try and win someone over.  Instead, the hope is to remind them that you love them and you know them.  You know what he or she would like.  In other words, something that will make someone feel “thought of.”

2 steps, and you can avoid all the pressure that the stores seem to build in people struggling with their marriage.

And one last thing:  don’t get caught up in what you get.  That really isn’t the point.  The point is to show YOUR love.  So remember, the same struggle you are having, your spouse may be having — but without a good answer.  So give him or her some room and don’t take it too personally.  After all, this is just another day with a chance to show love.

“Can EVERY Marriage Be Saved?”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I get asked this quite frequently.  And my answer is “No, not every marriage can be saved.  But many more can be saved than are.”

Here is what I mean:  a solid marriage is created by two people.  However, one person can choose to end it for any number of reasons.  Sometimes, the reason is good.  For example, someone may choose to leave an abusive relationship.  Or someone may decide that being married to an addicted person is hurting them too much to stay.

But many times, people end marriages for the wrong reasons:  they feel unloved or unaccepted, they think somewhere else or someone else is better, or they think that they have lost love.

These are all issues that can be addressed and solved, and once it is solved, the marriage can even be stronger!

But many people are unaware of another solution.  And sometimes, people want to take the “easy way out.”  I put that in quotes because in the end, divorce is no easy way out.  It just pretends to be.

Marriage takes effort.  Marriage takes knowledge.  Marriage takes two people willing to let down their defenses, and to join together as a team.

Can every marriage be saved?  No.  But can YOUR marriage be saved?  You won’t know until you give it a try.  Learn what you need to in order to save your marriage here.

Been Burned By Crap Ebooks? You Are Not Alone!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I just received an email. I took a screenshot, made it anonymous, and placed it below.

If you can’t read it, zoom in! It is important. (Just click the image!)

This is someone who finally decided to grab my ebook. Unfortunately, it was only after grabbing another “magic” book about making up. Others tell me about buying books on how to stop a divorce (reverse psychology is often the content). But that “magic” book is, as this customer notes, just plain dangerous! I can tell you the point of these new books on making up: make your spouse jealous and act like you don’t care!

If anyone thinks that these tactics are really going to work, then there are some bigger issues than they know at work! Unfortunately, there are times when desperation trumps common sense!

Two things happen when we are in a crisis: 1) we want to be out of pain, and 2) we want guidance.

Unfortunately, that desire leads to simultaneous problems. First, we look for what seems to be the fastest way out of pain (rarely the best or most effective), and second, we stop evaluating the source of guidance.

Please, please, please! Don’t make that mistake! Get help! Find resources that will help you, but do think through the advice and who it is coming from. Is it an expert (not an expert marketer, but an expert in relationships!)? Do you have a sense of what kind of advice you are goint to get (for example, you can see a good deal of my thinking in this blog and in my free ecourse)? Is it just too good to be true? And most importantly, does the approach fit with your ethics and morals?

Marriages can be saved, with the right advice and with effort. Marriages can be destroyed with the wrong advice (even with effort!).

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Marriage Advice; Start Here!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Let’s face it: 100% of marriages have difficulties and problems. It is the nature of such a close relationship. Two people living in close proximity are going to have marriage problems. Statistically speaking, about 1/2 of those marriages survive.

What keeps them together? What makes the difference? Is it more than a toss of the coin? Absolutely!

When Greg and Susan came into my office last week, they were trying to decide upon which side of the coin they would land. Should they stay married? Should they divorce?

Both wanted to tell me all about the faults and problems they had during their 11 years of marriage. Frankly, while I politely listened, where they had been was of relatively little interest to me. I was much more interested in where they wanted to get to!

Problem is, Greg and Susan had both decided that the solution to their problems was in their past. They thought that they needed help communicating better. Greg thought Susan was controlling and needed to change. Susan thought Greg was lackadaisical in his approach to life. More importantly, neither felt loved or appreciated.

So, I decided it was time to stop this cascade of pain and useless dialogue. “Greg, Susan, please stop shooting at each other! You both say you want a good marriage, but I have heard neither of you make a positive contribution to where you want to be!” Greg started to respond, but by the look on his face, I knew he was only going to make a defensive statement.

I stopped him, “Greg, hold on for a minute. I can tell you, if you want to know, what the secret is to saving your marriage, and to not only save it, but have a marriage you can treasure!”

Now I had their attention! My answer was going to be deceptively simple, but would take them a lifetime to work out. I continued, “The secret to a successful marriage is following the 2 ‘C’s.’ Fail in doing that, and you will be in trouble. Follow them, and I promise success.”

Greg and Susan had relaxed a bit, but I could tell they were listening intently. “Now, the 2 ‘C’s’ are not complicated, but they require some action and dedication. But mostly, they require you to do something you already said you would.”

By now, they were looking a bit perplexed. What had they already agreed to?

It was time to let them in on the best marriage advice I could give them. Two simple steps that would lead to a lifetime of happy marriage. I slowly told them about the 2 C’s: “The two pieces of the puzzle are Commitment and Connection. If the two of you accept your commitment to the marriage and work on being connected, you cannot fail!”

Let me say a bit about each. First, Commitment: this is the cornerstone of any marriage. It sets the backdrop to a marriage. In most weddings, we promise to stay committed to our spouse, regardless of what the future holds. So the first C is just following through on that promise. Even when things are tough, we rely on having made that commitment. That means we are faced with working it out when there are difficulties. After all, a lifetime commitment requires resolution.

Second, Connection: this is what keeps us wanting to be married. Commitment keeps us married. Connection is the joy. Nurturing connection is a daily activity. It is partly mental — thinking about a marriage and a spouse in loving and respectful ways. It is partly action — finding ways to carve space out during the day to connect and reconnect. This is where our priorities show. If we cannot make time to be connected (even 15 minutes per day!), then our marriage is clearly not at the top of our priorities.

Greg and Susan left the office more relaxed, recommited to working on the relationship, and with some thoughts on how each might work on connection.

What can you do today to deepen the commitment or the connection?

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .