Posts Tagged :

marriage advice

The 10 Rules For Saving Your Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
Why Is Sex Such An Issue In Marriage?: Ep. 19, Save The Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

how to save your marriage and sexWhen people give their reasons for problems that lead to divorce, they list money, children, in-laws, religion and sex as the top 5.  Money is the only reason listed consistently above sex.

Why is sex such a huge issue for couples?  Is it really about sex, or is it something else?

We are surrounded by sexual images and messages about how we are “supposed to be” in regards to sex.  Stereotypes can overwhelm and poison us.  What can be a connector becomes a struggle.

In today’s podcast, we discuss why sex is such an issue in marriage — and more importantly, some ways of getting beyond the stuck point of sex in your marriage.

Take a listen and let me know what you think.  Leave a comment below (and please share the podcast).

Who’s The Enemy Of Saving Your Marriage? Save The Marriage Podcast #17
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

how to save your marriage by knowing the enemy of saving your marriage.Let me ask you one simple question:  who is the enemy of saving your marriage?  Is it your spouse?  Is it someone else?  Is it something else?

The answer is crucial.  Answer it wrong, and you will find yourself constantly struggling to move forward.  More than that, you will only increase the resistance from your spouse.

Don’t assume you know the answer.  Listen and discover.

Then learn how to deal with this enemy.

You can save your marriage, but this one mistake you do not want to make!

Can Your Marriage Be Saved?: Two Measurements And What To Do: Save The Marriage Podcast 16
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Can your marriage be saved?  Two measurements you need.Can your marriage be saved?  Let’s look at a couple of measurements that will help you determine how difficult it may be.

Do you know about boundaries and standards?  Many people confuse the two, and if you do, you can cause problems in your relationship.

Let’s talk about boundaries and how to set them.  And let’s talk about standards.  Can you raise your standards?  Find out why you MUST know the difference between your standards and your boundaries.

If you want to know how to save your marriage, you must understand the variables in your marriage and what you can do to gain control of your life situation.

How You Hide and How To Show Up In Your Marriage: Save The Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How To Save Your Marriage By Showing UP and Not Hiding!Fear, resentment, habit.  All reasons why we hide.  And we hide more the more important the relationship.  The intimacy may scare us, the scars may hide us.

But if we want to heal a relationship, especially a marriage, we HAVE to show up!

In this week’s podcast, I examine the reasons we hide, and how to change this.

Discover the 6 Steps To Showing Up.

Follow the 4 P’s of Showing Up and you will find deeper connection than you believed possible.

Listen and then comment below.

How To Save Your Marriage From The Zombie Infection!: Save The Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

How To Save Your Marriage From Zombie InfectionIs your marriage infected by the “zombie virus?”  Do you find your relationship to be the “walking dead?”  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with “zombie grunts?”

The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.

Don’t allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship’s immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.

(Special Halloween version of the Save The Marriage Podcast — and yes, the information CAN help you restore your relationship.)

Listen and let me know in the comments below what you think.  What are other symptoms that YOU see in a zombie-infected marriage?

Zombies In Your Marriage
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

These are my last hours in Las Vegas.  I arrived on Thursday and head out in just a few hours to return home.  Vegas, you may have guessed, is not exactly my type of destination.

But the conference I attended was held here.  We were not on the Strip, but at a resort a bit out of town.  Not that this matters — every hotel and resort has a casino!  And more than that, as I have learned during a previous conference, you cannot go anywhere in the hotel without passing through the casino.  So every time I went to the conference, I passed through the casino.  Every time I went for a meal, I passed through the casino.

In other words, I had LOTS of experience walking through the casino.  No games played, so no money lost.  But I did get to watch those who were playing.

Then, I would watch the people at the conference.  You see, everyone at this conference is on a mission and has a message for the world.  The topic and content varied greatly, but all had a deep desire to change and improve the world.  The conference was for experts and authors who want to be effective in getting their message out.  And the participants were energetic and alive.

What a contrast!  In one area (the casino), I watched a group of people that were allegedly “having fun.”  But I saw very little laughter and very little signs of life, except for the movement of fingers on the screen.  (You don’t even have to pull the arm down anymore on the slot machine!)

There were (on purpose) no windows and no clocks on the wall.  There was nothing to give you a reference of time passed or life outside the casino.  And the result?  It could have been a room of zombies.  No flicker of life as they stared at the screens.  No joy, no laughter, no interaction with others.

Then, into the conference.  People were interacting and excited.  Eyes were dancing and gleaming.  Hearts pounded with purpose.  People planned to make a difference.

The difference between the two areas was more than striking.  It was alarming.  From a room of zombies to a room of people fully alive.

Which made me wonder about how that applies to marriage.  It strikes me that we all live somewhere between these two extremes:  fully distracted and numbed at one end, and fully alive and engaged at the other end.  We do that in life, and we do that in relationships.

Have you noticed those couples that are at the beginning of their relationships, perhaps in the early stages of dating?  They are engaged with each other, deeply excited and joyful.  That is what propels the relationship forward.  People tend to be alive and purposeful.

One hallmark of this stage:  trying to show the other person how wonderful they are and how much you care.  In other words, the energy flow is toward the other person.

how to save your marriageThen there are other couples, often those in the midst of a marriage.  It would appear that they have been infected with a virus.  They have become “zombies,” disengaged and distant.  They are distracted and too busy to really be present.

The marriage becomes in many ways, the marriage of zombies.  The relationship has lost its direction and the couple has lost the engagement between the two.  Life goes on, one day after another, punctuated with disagreements and angry grunts between them, but the true life of the relationship has evaporated.

While the infection does not happen to everyone, we all seem to battle the virus.  We all have times when we are less engaged than we would like.  We all have more negative feelings, hurts, and disappointments than we would like.

The question is not whether the “zombie relationship virus” is present, but whether we are able to fight it off.  Do we have a strong enough immune system to keep the infection from becoming systemic?

There are some very clear symptoms to a growing infection:

1) A shift from “how can I show you my love?” to “why aren’t you loving me more?”  The shift is from giving to getting, and is very toxic.  What would happen if both people were focused more on the giving?  What if one person can start making that shift?

2) More and more time spent distracted from each other and focused on:  career, children, bills, sports, hobbies, friends, media, computers, etc., etc.  There is nothing wrong with having other areas in life, but when the priority of the relationship is lost, the vacuum will be filled by distractions.

3) Less and less time “showing up,” really being present when you are with your spouse.  When you show up, you are truly present and engaged with that other person.  In this case, you are really present with your spouse.  You are listening and responding.  In fact, the grunts that often become a response to a spouse is truly a symptom of infection — the “zombie grunt.”  But showing up is always possible — and fights back the infection!

4) An absence of emotions, particularly higher emotions.  As emotions go missing, we become numb.  And as we become numb, we engage less and less.  We withdraw and pull back.  Remember, zombies have no emotions.  That is the realm of the truly alive and truly engaged.

Sometimes, the first sign of this level of infection is the presence of only negative emotions.  But there is an antidote!  When we focus on gratitude and showing love, we avoid the numbing and find a natural antidote to the negative emotions.

The important part of avoiding infection is early detection.  How alive are YOU in your marriage?  Are you showing up?  Are you reaching out?  Are you fighting the zombie virus?  While it is easier to fight off the infection when it is small, you can still get that immune system working, even when the infection is raging.  But you do need to get started!

How Your Thoughts Betray You: Save The Marriage Podcast Episode 13
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed that your mind runs pretty much non-stop?  Try NOT to think, and see how long you can do that.

The problem isn’t that you keep thinking.  The problem is how often you forget that you are thinking.  You confuse your thoughts with reality.  And that’s when the trouble begins. . .

In a previous podcast, I started a conversation about the dangers of your thoughts.  That stirred some thoughts in you, and many people emailed me for more explanation.

So if you have ever found yourself derailed by your thinking (which means everyone!), then you may want to listen to this short audio on how your thoughts get in the way of your efforts — in this case, to save your marriage/relationship.

Take a listen and let me know what you think in the comments area below.

How Fear Is Destroying Your Efforts and 4 Ways To Reverse It: Save The Marriage Podcast
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Fear.  It is the enemy of your efforts to save your marriage.  We all have fear.  But how much does fear get in the way?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore how your fear of abandonment can destroy and undermine your efforts.

But more importantly, we explore some ways to make progress, in spite of the fear.

Take a listen, then leave a comment below!

And remember to grab my latest book, available now for Kindle.  Grab It Here.

Courageous Compassion And Doing What Needs To Be Done: Save The Marriage Podcast 11
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

What happens when your feelings get you?  Do you give up or get busy?

We cover it in today’s podcast.

What happens when you see your spouse through a negative lens?  Why does this happen?

We cover it in today’s podcast.

Ready to be courageous, even courageously compassionate as you work to save your marriage?

We cover it in today’s podcast.

Let me know what you think!  Leave a comment below.  I read them all and respond to most.

And if you want to take advantage of the offer I make in the podcast, here is the link:

SaveTheMarriage.com/kindle