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marriage advice

Want To Save Your Marriage?? Be Genuine!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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People ask me for my “best advice” in working on a marriage. It is simple, but not easy. My advice for marriage is “be genuine.”

Why is this hard? Because when a marriage is in trouble, we immediately try to find ways of manipulating the situation to get some movement from our spouse. It is only natural for people to try to find an angle to work. And it may be the angle you are trying to work is for good motive (a rebuilt marriage, I would count as a good motive).

What I often tell people when they are working on their marriage is to take a hard look at who they have become in the marriage, consider who they really are that they have left behind, and become that person again. We mold ourselves and allow ourselves to be molded based in part on what we think our spouse wants. Then we are greatly surprised to find that we are not what our spouse wants.

In reality, we have become something that is disingenuous. We are not ourselves anymore. We have become what we think the other wants. This is especially true when our spouse seems to be the one that doesn’t want us. We tend to quickly shift to what we think will work.

(For those who have had an unfaithful spouse, this is particularly true. We try to transform ourselves into someone that is desired. And in almost all cases, we miss the point of the affair. It was about a disconnect, not about who you are.)

So, my antidote to this painful place is to become more genuine. Become who your best self is. Forget trying to be who you think your spouse wants you to be. It is 1) impossible, and 2) unfair for your spouse to want you to be something you are not. (OK, if you don’t shower and smell bad, I would say it is fair for your spouse to ask for you to be clean, but for the most part, any change of any depth is unfair.)

When a marriage is in trouble, both partners tend to fall into the belief that the other person needs to change. And if one person really wants to save the marriage, he or she can feel this pressure and try to become what the other seems to want.

Now hear me clearly: change is not the problem. Changing to try to fit what you think the other person wants, that is the problem. Become a better person. Focus on improving yourself. . . but not to save the marriage; to be a better person!

At the end of the day, you have to look in the mirror and determine whether you like yourself or not. And if you are not who you truly are, you will not like yourself. If you are genuine, and your change is out of your own desire to improve and be a better person, then you can look in the mirror and greet yourself.

And guess what? A genuine person is genuinely attractive. Your ability to improve and save the marriage will paradoxically rise when you stop trying to be something you think your spouse wants.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Love And/Or Need
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Today, I want to draw a distinction. It is a simple one, but one that is crucial for the success of marriage.

Here it is: Someone can love you, and not meet your needs. You can love someone and not meet their needs.

And here is what I mean: when we have a need and it is not met, we can come to believe that we are not loved by that person. For example, I had a client tell me about an interaction the other night. Her husband had given her some “early Valentine” flowers. He was showing he loved her. Later that night, they were watching a TV show, and she wanted to tell him about something emotional. Instead of listening, he stated he wanted to watch what was on TV. Naturally, she felt hurt. Her reaction was to throw the flowers out the door and into the cold night.

The symbolism is clear: the flowers meant he loved her, but when she didn’t feel loved, she threw out the symbol. But his not meeting her need to be heard was not the same as him not loving her. He simply failed to address her needs at that point.

When we fail to remember this distinction, we translate our hurt feelings (and feelings are always hurt when a need is not met) into feeling unloved. While this may seem like an obvious jump, it is one I see over and over.

But it is indeed possible for someone to love me and not to meet my needs. Proof? I do it to other people all the time. My wife has needs that I miss; my kids have needs that I fail to address. But that does not mean that I don’t love them. It merely means I am human, and I will sometimes fail to meet someone else’s needs.

In our heads, we think of marriage as finding a beautiful/handsome, accepting, loving and nurturing person to love us, warts, failures, and all. In other words, we want someone to meet our needs perfectly, but can’t do that ourselves. True love is working to meet the other person’s needs, knowing that sometimes the other person will not meet our needs. Problems come when we decide to not meet our spouse’s needs because our needs are not met.

Seek first to meet your spouse’s needs, and understand when your spouse fails to meet yours.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
. . . And Avoid That Romantic Weekend Away!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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My last post warned you about the “Big Relationship Talk.” Bet you never imagined hearing a Relationship Coach or Therapist warn you about communicating!

Really, my warning was about hoping that big talk would iron out long-standing issues. The talk ends up being too “loaded” — too many expectations, too much importance, and too much of the conversation has already happened in the head of one or the other.

Today, I am sending a warning out about taking that “romantic getaway” as a means of reconnecting and starting fresh. Again, you may be thinking, “why is this guy killing my romantic reconnection.” I am all for that, but I also know that these “romantic getaways” are rife with potential disappointment.

Just like that big talk, both parties end up playing out the weekend, often in great detail (or fantasy) without being able to speak to these expectations. So, off you go, on the weekend trip, with huge expectations.

At the start of the trip, you may be disconnected, and expect to return connected. But when you leave disconnected, you end up trying to go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. Possible, but neither likely nor comfortable.

Instead, postpone the trip for when you are feeling connected. Take small trips — the coffee shop for a chat, the bookstore for a perusal, the movies, a walk around the neighborhood — as a way to reconnect. Then, when you feel reconnected, spend your money on a romantic weekend that has a chance to live up to the fantasy in your head!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Why “Let’s Talk” Doesn’t Work
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Sometimes, when a couple is having trouble, they decide to try to deal with it. And when they decide to deal with it, sometimes they are effective, and other times they create more damage.

Today, a quick note about the damaging approach: The Big Talk about the relationship. You know the one; it’s the talk that will pull things back together. You will share, your spouse will suddenly understand, you two will make up, and marital bliss will follow. OK, that’s the mental picture you hold.

I’m afraid I have to break the news. That talk is not going to go the way you want it to go. In fact, you are likely to find yourself in the midst of a fight, worse off than you were before.

The reason is this: marriages get in trouble because the level of intimacy has either always been off, or has gotten off-course. That may seem obvious, but the side-effect of this is that when you are trying to have “The Big Talk,” there is not enough intimacy in the relationship to contain it.

So, you end up with a defensive spouse who feels threatened by being “pulled into” a discussion that was not his or her idea. Then he or she feels blamed, no matter how you try to explain your fault (if you see any) in yourself.

Usually, we play out the scenario in our minds about the conversation, how we will start it, how our spouse will respond, and how it will end. But our spouse doesn’t know the script, and doesn’t even know we have been pondering the conversation, until he or she hears “we need to talk.” That will strike fear into anyone (probably even stronger in men).

So, right off the bat, anxiety is up, fear is rampant, and the possibility of actually hearing is reduced by 90%. The rest is just playing out the recipe for disaster.

That doesn’t mean you don’t talk. It means you build intimacy along the way, before you have the bigger, deeper talks. Spend time reconnecting, being friends, having chats about your thoughts and your life (outside the relationship). Once that level of intimacy is reached, it is possible to have deeper talks, but by that time, it won’t be “The Big Talk,” just another talk about your relationship.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Resolutions for Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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New Year’s Day has now passed. The frantic pace of the holidays is behind us. And life is beginning to return to normal. Perhaps you made some resolutions for the new year. Some may have been made in the rush of a New Year’s Eve party.

Take a moment to think about resolutions you might want to make for your marriage. I think of resolutions as an opportunity to be intentional about things. Many make intentionality a magical, mystical transformation. But I see it much more simply. When you decide to be intentional, you work toward that goal.

For example, when I decided to write a book, I became intentional about it. I began to focus my life around that goal. When I had some time, I chose not to watch TV, read a book, or divert myself in some other way. Instead, I took the time to write my book. In that way, my intention of writing a book became an actuality. The intention led to action.

When you become intentional about making some changes in your marriage, you begin to reorganize your life around that resolution. This can lead to great changes.

But when you consider the resolutions, don’t aim for too many shifts. Aim for 1, 2 and no more than 3 items to focus your attention upon. Make sure they are items you can accomplish and act upon. But don’t start with large items.

Small shifts can lead to bigger shifts. It is the ripple effect, like throwing a rock into a pond. Several years back, I found myself out of shape and feeling bad. I made a decision to jog a little. When I did that, the ripples began. When I chose to eat, I was a little more careful, not wanting to ruin my jogging effort. As I ate better, I became aware of how many soft drinks I was drinking, and I cut back on that. Then, I realized how much caffeine I was drinking, so I changed that. By then, I was up to running more. The ripple effect continued. Last year, I ran a trail marathon, all the ripple effect of jogging a little!

So, make a resolution to change your marriage. Become intentional about making your marriage better, and find 1 to 3 specific items you can do to make a difference, then put your mind to it!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .