Problem In Marriage – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Have You Been “Friend Zoned”?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg September 1, 2021 September 2, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 1, 2021

I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage. I’ve been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job. But lately, we don’t seem to be making any more progress. Did my spouse Friend Zone me??”

Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program and listeners of my podcast, I thought I needed to address it.

First, let me just say, there is a “Zone” of disconnection and recovery that can feel like a stagnant friend zone. But is that really what it is?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what people mean when they say “Friend Zoned” or “Roommates Only,” and why it happens. I also discuss what a healthy marriage looks like. We dive into the process of connection (along with disconnection and reconnection). And I talk about why you always pass through this zone… in both directions. Then, we discuss why some people get stuck here. And we look at how to make sure you don’t get stuck.

Listen below.

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“Am I The Problem?”

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

April 17, 2019

Maybe your spouse has been saying, “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Or maybe it is just you… wondering… torturing yourself… about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time… frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let’s talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical “what do I do?” perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, “Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?”

Listen below as I tackle the question: “Am I the Problem?”

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NMF: The Fastest Path to Failure

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 15, 2018

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).

She wanted to know what to do — how to save her marriage — given the fact that it wasn’t her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn’t know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.

NMF

She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn’t see how she had anything to do with it.

NMF

When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to “he did…,” “he didn’t….” She could point out his failures and shortcomings.

And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?

NMF

I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.

Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is “Not My Fault.”

Here is the problem with “Not My Fault”: It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).

Let’s talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below.

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