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problem with marriage

NMF: The Fastest Path to Failure
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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NMF Syndrom: Why "Its not my fault" just keeps you stuck and what to do.The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage.  Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage.  She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).

She wanted to know what to do — how to save her marriage — given the fact that it wasn’t her fault.  She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn’t know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.

NMF

She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts.  And she didn’t see how she had anything to do with it.

NMF

When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship.  But I noticed she kept shifting back to “he did…,” “he didn’t….” She could point out his failures and shortcomings.

And then she would return to her question:  Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?

NMF

I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage.  And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.

Because she had fallen in the NMF trap.  Figured it out yet?  The NMF trap is “Not My Fault.”

Here is the problem with “Not My Fault”:  It leaves you stuck.  It does relieve you of blame or fault.  But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).

Let’s talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it.  Listen below.

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Try A NEW Marriage Model!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Find a new model of marriage.We all have ideas, “mental models,” of what things are and how things work.  Those models tend to change over time, both throughout history in in your own life.

A great example is marriage.  Did you know that several millennia back, a marriage was a property transfer?  A man needed help, a wife and kids.  So, the man made a deal with another family, paying that family a “dowry” for that woman.  She (and the kids) was property.

Did you know that same model is still true in some areas of the world?

If you are reading this, that is not likely to be your model of marriage.  Over time, western culture has shifted through several other models of marriage.  Some were utilitarian — a marriage was designed to be a place to have a family and be secure.  Some were more about companionship — to have someone by your side, throughout a lifetime.

More recently, we have arrived at what some relationship theorists have called the “self-expressive marriage.”  We live in a self-expressive world, where if you feel it, you do it.  Follow your passions.

Let me be very clear:  I am all for personal growth.  I am all for a fully engaged and fulfilling relationship.  Unfortunately, we have taken this “self-expressive marriage” and turned it into “self-gratifying marriage.”

There is a vital shift that seems to happen shortly after marriage for many couples.  You probably married because you wanted to show your spouse how deeply you loved him/her.  Many couples (how about you?) then make a subtle shift, asking “How are you showing me you love me?”  Said slightly more cynically, that amounts to “What are YOU doing for ME?”  Thus, the self-gratifying marriage, and one major side-effect:  when it is no longer gratifying, it is time to leave.

New mindset leads to new results.Is there, perhaps, another model for marriage?

Yep.  Marriage can be the stage for growth, relationally and personally, when we take that on.  Life is all about growing — or stagnating.  Are you growing?  Is your relationship growing?

Learn more about the new model in this week’s podcast (Listen Below).

 

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 Steps To Saving Your Marriage
Marriage Is A WE
Save The Marriage System
Save The Marriage VIP (If you have the System)

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