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save marriage

‘Tis The Season. . . For Breakups!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The air is filled with the lights and sounds of the holiday season!  People are bustling around, making their plans.  Malls and stores are full of shoppers.  The smell of spices and cookies hangs in the air!  Silent Night plays in the background.  And all is right with the world!

Save Your Marriage This Christmas. . . Except for all the relationships that end over the holidays!  Divorce attorneys hear the phones ringing.  People are dividing up property, arguing and fighting, and finding themselves at the end of a relationship.

Are you surprised?  Or perhaps that is exactly what landed you here.

We humans seem to like to pick arbitrary points in time.  So, some people have said to themselves, “I will end this by the end of the year.” Or “I will be gone by Christmas.”

Others see the opportunity of school being out to make a transition.  They somehow imagine that breaking up a family will be better done while the kids are on break!

So, the holidays see a spike in breakups.  And suddenly, the joy of the season is replaced by pain and resentment.  In fact, the holidays, from then on, mark the breakup.

How sad.  And how useless.  In the consumer world that seems to too often mark this season, we do the same with relationships:  “this relationship just isn’t as fun as it once was.  Time to move on.”

Ah, the love of the bright, shiny and new!  The allure of the merchandise in the window is no different than the allure of a new relationship.  One we imagine to be free of defects and problems.

If I look in my basement, I see any number of electronic items that tell me that we humans are only fooling ourselves, whether it is the new electronics or the new love interest.

Might you revive your relationship?  Might you save your marriage?  Discover how by CLICKING HERE.  Give yourself a present that really matters!

How To Save Your Marriage When It Hurts
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Too many times, I have answered my phone to sobs, had people come to my office in tears, write emails that are outpourings of pain.

So, let’s be clear — saving a marriage is tough work!  It requires you to set aside the pain you feel and move forward.  It means setting aside anger and resentment and choosing to relate.

Said another way, it requires us to get out of our lizard brain and back into our sensible brain.

We all have that lizard brain deep within our head.  It is the part that tries to avoid pain at all costs, the one that calculates it is easier to avoid than deal with the tough stuff.

Your lizard brain is constantly telling you what to fear, what it thinks can hurt you — which, by the way, is just about everything.  That part of you that keeps saying “but what if I try, and my spouse rejects me?” or “what if I do/say the wrong thing?” or the one that says “nothing is worth this.”

The sensible part, the one we humans pretend is really in charge, hears that deep voice, and then pretends it makes sense.  But one step back, that brain knows that 1) there are no guarantees in life, 2)  sometimes, life hurts, but that doesn’t mean we should shrink away, and 3)  there are things like family, commitment, and love, that make the pain bearable.

When you find yourself wanting to give up, to get away from the pain, take a step back.  Give yourself a chance to breathe.  Then ask “can I keep trying?”, “am I really ready to quit?”, “am I willing to really give it my best shot?”  If you decide you really want to quit, just make sure that lizard brain hasn’t hijacked the rest of you.

And when you are ready to keep on moving forward, to find a way, find your answer on how to save your marriage here.

Is Marriage An Outdated Idea?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Over the past few years, I have begun to notice a trend in articles questioning the long-term survival of marriage.  Some have called it a dinosaur with no place in today’s society.  Others just note it is an outdated idea.  The real question is whether marriage has any role in society.

The largest evidence used is the divorce rate.  We quickly spout off the divorce rate as 50%, but we are noticing the actual rate is in the 40%’s.  So, while not 1/2, way to many people are unable to save their marriage and end in divorce.

Interestingly, statistics show that most people average between 4 and 10 jobs in their adult life, many ended in firings, yet I don’t hear cries for ending work, calling it an outdated idea (as much as many would like to!).

Why does marriage get a bad rap?  Perhaps the real issue is our way of preparing people for marriage is not just outdated, but non-existent.  People have a very low RQ (relationship Quotient).  They don’t even understand what creates a successful marriage.  So when a marriage cannot be saved, when a divorce cannot be stopped, do we blame the couple or think that perhaps society has failed them?

But the idea that marriage is outdated misses one central and unavoidable need of humans:  a constant and consistent connection with someone.  Isn’t that really what we are all seeking when we fall in love?  Someone to spend our lives with, to lean on (and be leaned on), to live in mutual support?

We have that need hard-wired into us.  A great deal of research on attachment theory has proven that if this need is not met, we actually suffer physically, psychologically, and emotionally.  In other words, we are wired for intimate relationship.  We are wired, in other words, for marriage.

The real problem is not with an outdated idea, but with a lack of education and understanding on how to sustain and grow a marriage.

It is much easier to learn how to build a marriage than struggle to figure out how to save your marriage.  People could stop a divorce by knowing how to build a marriage.   That really is the issue, isn’t it?

What do you think?

Saving A Marriage Requires Reaching Outside of Yourself
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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At its best, marriage calls us to reach beyond ourselves, to love and show love to another. Two people doing that is magic! Both people are meeting the other person’s needs, and getting their own needs met. But what happens when that process begins to fail? The process is like a whirlpool, sucking the relationship down.

John and Susan were caught in that process.  In day-to-day life, a wonderful marriage slowly decays when energy isn’t added in.  That was true for these two.  John was running after a successful career.  Susan was working, but had eyes on a family.  While both felt the stress, they decided “now or never,” and launched into parenthood.

Time was eaten up by children’s events and work demands. . . or at least that is what Susan and John kept telling themselves.  But in reality, every day, they chose to NOT spend time connecting, NOT spend time together, NOT nurturing their relationship.  And like any neglected muscle, their love began to atrophy.

For a while, life can pull you through this.  But eventually, the relationship finally rises to consciousness.  Unfortunately, neither John nor Susan thought “Wow, I am really not putting into this relationship.”  Instead, both began to ask themselves, “what am I getting out of this?  Where is the love coming toward me?”  Unfortunately, right after asking themselves that question, each answered with “if I am not being loved, I am going to stop reaching out with love.”

The relationship further deteriorated.  But now, instead of benign neglect, it was fueled by anger and resentment.  John finally announced, “I have had enough.  You don’t love me, I don’t love you.  I am leaving.”

Susan was devastated.  She told folks “I knew we had problems, but I thought we had made a commitment.”  But in her own head, she was thinking, “How dare he say I wasn’t loving him.  HE wasn’t loving me!  This is HIS fault.”  And John was equally convinced that Susan was at fault.

The moments of doubt, about how each might have played a role, was justified in each of their minds, pushed away by blame.

Was there a way out?  Yes.  Would it be easy?  No.

If either had set aside blame, and decided to release their hurt, anger, and resentment, there was a possibility.  Either could have reached out toward the other, providing love and support.  That might have saved their relationship, and restored the flow of love between them.

A seemingly easy thing to do, but hard in practice.  Why?  Because we humans are so good at self justification.  We continue to use our own thoughts to prove our reality.  And we all have one well-established tape playing in our minds:  “It’s NOT my fault!”

It really isn’t either person’s fault, but that message keeps either from asking “what can I do to change this?” and then acting on it.

Marriage is about reaching out, over and over, toward the other, until it is a habit.  Sometimes, it is made for difficult by anger and resentment.  Sometimes, it is flexing atrophied muscles.  But sustained effort in the direction of the other can save your marriage.

Don’t be sucked down the whirlpool!  Reach our toward the other.  Ignore that voice saying “it isn’t my fault,” or “why should I reach out?” or “I will if he/she will.”  To quote one company, “Just do it!”  Reach out in love, and see what happens!

Video From Survivor of Hudson Plane Crash: How Crisis Reorients
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Ric Elias survived the plane landing on the Hudson River.  And it completely reoriented his life.

In the video from TED (one of my new favorite sites), Ric discusses, in just a few minutes, how the event transformed his life, including his marriage.

Having been through a health crisis, I can tell you:  looking at your mortality turns your world upside down.  It makes you very clear on what is important and what is not.

Relationships, they are important.  Everything else becomes trivial.  The argument of the day?  Trivial.  Busy work?  Trivial.  Invest in what is important — and marriage is THE relationship upon which I suggest you focus.

Why Marriages Get Into Trouble — All Marriages!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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If you are wanting to know how to save your marriage, you want to start by understanding why marriages get into trouble.  And when I say marriages, yes I mean all marriages!  It is just that some marriages work through the issues, or resolve them.

So, for just a second, while considering saving a marriage, let me reflect from a distance on the two primary reasons marriages get into trouble, and what ultimately leads to broken marriages.  And they are interlinked.

Reason 1:  Marriages get into trouble because couples fail to forgive.

Reason 2:  Marriages get into trouble because couples fail to grow.

From there, everything else spins out.  Now don’t get me wrong, I do not think you should be a door mat, always ready to forgive anything without any change.  But how often do we continue to drag the accumulated small stuff around — for years, if not decades?  All without forgiveness.

The problem is, when we don’t forgive, we disconnect, just a little bit.  We keep parts of ourselves out, withhold emotions, affections, thoughts, etc.  We begin to strangle the relationship.  Over time, the unforgiveness takes root and becomes resentment.  Resentment is the poison of any relationship.

Think of it as carbon monoxide.  It slowly keeps the life-giving oxygen from getting to the body.  And you don’t even notice, save the headache!  And once it is in, it takes time to get it out.

Then, there is the growth/change bit.  I truly believe we have only two options:  growing or rotting.  Ray Kroc said, “you are either green and growing or ripe and rotting.”  Stop growing and changing, and you are dying.

In a relationship, even more so.  I don’t know how many people I have seen that have stopped growing relationally when they married.  They start acting like they have the relationship, so there really is no reason to keep moving forward.  Over time, couples get into ruts, stuck in routines, and mostly stuck keeping each other a bit apart.

What if you decided today, without any change on your spouse’s part, to forgive your spouse for all those things that have piled up, and decided to grow?  Would that save your marriage?

First, listen to that voice saying “what about my spouse?  What do they have to do?”  Unfortunately, it is just you and me, so you can only change you.  So start with what you CAN change, and don’t focus on what you can’t.

Second, realize that forgiveness is really for YOU!  So that YOU do not have to keep dragging that pile of crap around any longer!

Third, look for areas in which you know you need to grow.  We all have them.  Make it your path to GROW the rest of your life, in your relationship and elsewhere.

Finally, if you are ready for a little growth, take a look at my material on how to save a marriage.

How To Save A Marriage Through Connection
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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“What IS the secret to saving a marriage?” I am asked that marriage on a daily basis. In fact, just this morning, I was speaking with “Donna.”

She asked the same thing: “We are in deep trouble, and I didn’t even know it! We have 2 kids, and hectic lives. I knew we weren’t connecting much, but I didn’t know we were headed for trouble. . . until he asked me for a divorce!”

I have heard the same story over and over. People get married, get settled into life, and get into trouble. Whether is is kids, jobs, school, hobbies, friends, or some other distraction, life pulls at us.

The real issue? Connection. Simple as that. Connected marriages weather the storms. Disconnected marriages wither and die.

Donna told me about the signs that she missed along the way. She told me that all she wanted now was to save her marriage. Problem was, her husband had completely disconnected.

But truth is, their marriage problems started some time ago, when they stopped feeding and watering the relationship.

So, confession time: I have killed a few houseplants in my time. All unintentional. But still, the dead remnants have ended up in the trash more than once (or even twice).

So what happened? That plant was nice and green when I brought it in! I found what I thought were perfect spots for the plants, and they certainly looked good sitting there. . . for a while.

Oh, sure, at first, I made sure they were watered and had fertilizer sticks put in. But at some point, I forgot how long it had been since I had replaced the stick.

Then, at some point, I didn’t tend to the watering quite so carefully. Usually, I realized it, and got back to watering. The wilting plant would spring back to life!

But I noticed a leaf or two would drop. The drought had affected it!

I would then start slipping back into old habits, until the dirt was poor and dry.

Then, there came a point when I could not catch up! I could not bring the plant back to life! It had withered and died.

My point is, marriages are a lot like the plants. They need to be tended, kept up. Watered, fertilized, placed in healthy spots.

What is the water and fertilizer of marriage? So glad you asked!

Connection. Connection with each other. You see, we humans are made to be in connection, in relationship. We NEED someone else for our connection needs to be met.

But we forget that is natural, and assume that need is unnatural, dependent, even codependent! That causes us to stop connecting.

Oh, it is certainly innocent, at least at first. But over time, when we don’t feel we are getting connection, we stop giving connection.

And we literally starve the relationship!

Until it cannot recover.

Don’t keep waiting! Decide you will reach out and connect. Decide you want to move toward your spouse. Decide NOT to worry about how your spouse is NOT moving toward you.

If you want to know more on how to save your marriage, please take a look at Save The Marriage.

“Can EVERY Marriage Be Saved?”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I get asked this quite frequently.  And my answer is “No, not every marriage can be saved.  But many more can be saved than are.”

Here is what I mean:  a solid marriage is created by two people.  However, one person can choose to end it for any number of reasons.  Sometimes, the reason is good.  For example, someone may choose to leave an abusive relationship.  Or someone may decide that being married to an addicted person is hurting them too much to stay.

But many times, people end marriages for the wrong reasons:  they feel unloved or unaccepted, they think somewhere else or someone else is better, or they think that they have lost love.

These are all issues that can be addressed and solved, and once it is solved, the marriage can even be stronger!

But many people are unaware of another solution.  And sometimes, people want to take the “easy way out.”  I put that in quotes because in the end, divorce is no easy way out.  It just pretends to be.

Marriage takes effort.  Marriage takes knowledge.  Marriage takes two people willing to let down their defenses, and to join together as a team.

Can every marriage be saved?  No.  But can YOUR marriage be saved?  You won’t know until you give it a try.  Learn what you need to in order to save your marriage here.

I Am Sore and Tired (And What That Has To Do With Saving Your Marriage!)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I admit it!  I am tired.  I am sore.  I have discovered muscles I didn’t know I had, and ones I didn’t know could hurt!

Here’s the thing:  for years, I have been a trail runner.  I love being in the woods, seeing the changing seasons, and running with my Yellow Lab, Sunny.  We have  a blast!

But then, winter hit.  It was cold, but worse, it was wet — very wet!  And it never stayed cold enough to freeze the ground.  And it seemed that on every running day, it rained.  Well, as much as I love running, I am not so fond of bathing my 110 pound dog. . . and he is not so fond of being bathed!

End result?  I kept putting off another run. . . until suddenly a few months had passed and I had not hit the trails.  The end result for me?  I got out of shape.

So, fast-forward to last week.  I decided enough was enough, and I started exercising again.  I got a plan, and I started on it.  I knew there would be a price. . . pain and discomfort.  Sure enough, the next morning after day one, I was a bit sore.  By that night, I hurt!  exercise

But guess what I did on day 2?  I exercised.  Day 3?  New muscle pain.  I exercised.  Day 4, I had to get up an hour earlier to get in my exercise, but I did.  Same thing on day 5, 6, and 7.  In fact, that is my intention.  To get up an hour earlier, if necessary, and get in my exercise time.

I have to admit — when the alarm goes off, I have to argue with myself.  The bed is warm, the house is quiet, and I could easily grab another hour of sleep. . . but I don’t.  Because I made a commitment to myself, and I intend on keeping it.  As my wife reminds me, “consult your plan, not your feelings.”

So. . . what, you might wonder, does this have to do with your marriage (and saving it)?

Most people who come to me have not taken the best care of their marriage relationship.  Perhaps life got in the way — or fear, or anxiety, or anger, or just not realizing you needed to.

The marriage got “flabby,” out of shape, inflexible, and weak.  Sound familiar?

So, you decide to get that marriage back into shape.  Guess what?  It is not going to be easy.  You will feel pain in places you didn’t know you had.  You will discover things about yourself, your spouse, and your relationship, that you never knew before.

Oh, and did I say that after a week of exercising, I am not yet in peak shape?  I know — I looked in the mirror!  Frustrating as it may be, once you get out of shape, it takes both effort and time (in fact, sustained effort over time) to get to where you want to be).

Same is true for your relationship.  It takes time and effort.  It means refusing to get discouraged.  It requires you to make a plan, then stick with it, regardless of how you are feeling!  Remember, “consult your plan, not your feelings.”

When it doesn’t feel like you are making headway.  When another obstacle gets in your way.  When you just can’t quite get there.  That is when you dig in, keep getting up, and keep moving forward.

So, to quickly recap:

1)  This ain’t easy work.

2)  But make a plan.

3)  Stick with it:  “Consult your plan, not your feelings.”

4)  Reap the benefits.

Now, a reality check:  sometimes, people get so out of shape — let their bodies get to such a point of disrepair — that exercise can be deadly.

Unfortunately, that is sometimes true in a marriage.  Sometimes, the relationship has deteriorated too far.  The damage is too great.  The marriage might finally heave a final breath.  The marriage might end.

Problem is, you can never tell whether this is the case or not.  Some people who look like they are on the verge of death begin exercising and come back to life.  The same is true for marriages.

How can you tell?  Try getting your relationship back to life.  The worst thing that happens is you look in the mirror and say “I did my best.”  But the best thing that could happen?  You could save your marriage!

Why Am I Optimistic About Marriages Surviving?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Every day, there is another news story of a marriage under assault. Public figures seem to manage to royally screw up their marriages, and for what? Well, answer that and you will be wealthy! The cost of actions seems high for the payoff, yet they keep happening.

So, people sometimes wonder, why am I so optimistic that a marriage can survive? First, I am confident that marriage, as an institution, will survive because it is the best way we have of making sure the next generation continues. And it continues to honor the fact that people keep falling in love!

Why might a particular marriage survive? As I see it, we finally stand at a point where marriages really have the tools and capacity of not just surviving but thriving.

Until the last 3 or 4 decades, the majority of people stayed together, not out of happiness but out of lack of choice. Some were happy, but many stayed together because 1) their survival necessitated it, and 2) because the social norms necessitated it. Not the recipe for a content life together!

Then, those norms and opportunities changed. Pursuit of personal happiness surpassed the need to stay together. People shifted to personal pursuit at the expense of the marriage. Divorce rates skyrocketed. The choice became “stay married and miserable” or “divorce and try to be personally happy.” Small problem: people pursued happiness, but happiness was not found. In fact, many found themselves more miserable post-divorce.

Today, I believe the lesson has mostly been learned. People don’t blindly believe that divorce equals happiness. But many see no other option.

Enter the final fact: We now have the technology and knowledge to have a happy, fulfilling marriage. People don’t have to make the choice, but can discover how to be happy within the marriage. Imagine: individual happiness, marital happiness, and no need to divorce.

That is why I am optimistic. On a daily basis, I see people take advantage of the knowledge we have to create a wonderful marriage. I believe society and culture will continue to turn away from divorce and toward embracing fulfillment within marriage.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my system, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .