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save marriage

“How Dare You Tell Me To Save My Marriage!”
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

. . . that was the opening line from an email I just received. The writer was clearly angry, feeling that I was pressuring her into saving her marriage.

So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.

There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.

Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.

Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.

The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!

Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!

Oh, and that doesn’t factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.

Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!

Again, it is a couple’s choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.

If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you’d rather not, I wish you well.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Do You WANT Your Marriage, Or Are You Playing Tug-Of-War?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
By:

I spend a good portion of my week responding to consultation emails and working with clients. This week, I had two cases that reminded me of a very important fact: we all have a tendency to play tug-of-war.

Let me explain with a personal example. A couple of years ago, I was at a conference. In the afternoon session, we were asked to turn and face another person, and place our arms in an arm wrestling position.

The instructions were simple: touch each others’ hand to the table as many times as possible in 60 seconds.

For the next minute, everyone in the room engaged in a strenuous match of arm wrestling. Few people got their count above 10, and that was mostly because of a mismatch in size and strength!

Then, the leaders pulled out a table and put their hands in position, but they cooperated! Each took turns having their hands hit to the table, and they were able to get over 90 touches in! They had given us the directions, but we were already poised to arm wrestle!

Now, back to saving marriages. When a spouse decides that he or she wants out, a tug-of-war can be set up. Our natural tendency is to pull in the opposite direction. In other words, they pull away, we pull toward the relationship!

So, this week, one woman told me how hard she was working to save her marriage. She also told me her husband had already had not one, not two, but three affairs! I suspect there were others! I told the woman that she needed to pause for a moment, and instead of trying to figure out how to save the marriage, she needed to ponder another question. She needed to decide on whether she could continue in a marriage with a philanderer. She suddenly realized that she could not do that.

The very next day, a woman started telling me about all her attempts to save her marriage, then noted the affair and abuse she had suffered through with her husband. Again, I got her to pause in her marriage-saving strategy and ask whether she wanted to have the marriage she was in. She is still thinking.

My point is this: are you just trying to save a marriage, or do you want that marriage? I am all about saving marriages, but I am also about having a marriage you want to have. Don’t get caught up in saving a marriage, and fail to see that if you did save it, you wouldn’t want it! Instead, focus on saving a marriage AND making it a marriage you can treasure!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Marriage Is Tough
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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“Marriage shouldn’t be that hard.” That was the opening comment of my client this week. He was convinced that his marriage was doomed. He believe it was because his marriage had become difficult. He believed that this should not be the case.

I had to chuckle. Marriage is the most intense relationship that any two adults will have in their life. There’s no way around it. Two people living together that intensely, making decisions together, having sex together, making decisions together, and doing everything else that married couple do are going to have difficulties. No way around it.

I turned to him and said “why do you say that?” He told me he just figured that marriages should just work. They shouldn’t be hard work, and when there are problems, they should just be able to be solved instantly. Now, I don’t generally laugh at my client, but it was all I could do to hold back the laughter, and only let out a chuckle. “You have got to be kidding,” I said. “Marriage is tough, whether it is in good times or bad, marriage is tough.”

I continued on for a second, “every single marriage has problems, the question is whether you work through them out or not. It is not a question of whether you will have problems.” You see, I really believe that every marriage is destined to have difficulty. That is just the way it is. Statistically speaking, half of those couples will choose not to work on their problems. About half will find a way to deal with the problems. That does not mean that there were no problems, only that they discovered how to deal with the problem.

“Come with me,” I said my client. I walked my client to the window. We looked out onto the parking lot. I pointed to car and said “is that yours?” “Yes,” he said, “that’s my car. Looks pretty nice doesn’t it?” I had to admit, it with a pretty nice car. It looked like it was well taken care of. I asked, “did you just grab the car, or did you do some research? Did you, when you were getting ready to buy it, maybe buy a car magazine? Did you look up the price on the Internet, maybe even did you research on what other people thought about the car?”

“Yes, I sure did! I spent months looking at my options. I probably went to the dealer like 10 times.” He chuckled, “my wife was tired of hearing about that car.” So then I asked, “have you had any problems with the car?” My client thought for a second. “Well, yes. It made some funny noises.”

“What did you do?” I asked. He responded, “first, I looked it up on the Internet. Then, I bought a book about the model of car I had. I found out that it was a fairly common problem, and it only needed a little bit of tightening of a couple of bolts to stop it.” I continued, “and did you do it yourself? Or did you take it to the dealer?”

“I took it to the dealer. They are the experts on this.” “So, you didn’t sell the car?” I pushed him. “No. It was just a little problem.” I pushed a little harder, “I’ll bet you would have had bigger problems if you hadn’t fixed it, and let it go on and on.”

“Probably so… Doc, is this about my car or about my marriage?” He had me. He knew I was really talking about his marriage. “How long have you been having problems?” I asked. He thought for a second, then said, “probably four or five years. But we had some of the same problems even before we got married.”

“Did you get a book about marriage? Did you talk to a therapist? Did you go to a seminar? Did you do anything that might address the issues?” I asked. I knew I had him. Just like most people, he had a problem in his relationship, but he didn’t seek good advice. In fact, as far as I can tell, the only people he talked to were his drinking buddies. Not the best place to go for marriage advice.

Marriage is tough. It’s tough because it requires us to set ourselves and our ego aside for the betterment of both of us. In other words, we have to get outside of ourselves, and look at the greater good of both people. That does not mean that one person has to give up everything. But it does mean that it takes looking at the good of the relationship when making decisions.

Someone once said, “You can either be right. Or you can be happy, but you can’t be both.” This is especially true in marriage. If you insist on being right, you both will be miserable. Choose to be happy. And when there is a problem, recognize that is normal, then seek out some help in resolving it.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Why Do We Drive Each Other Crazy?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Yesterday, I had the opportunity of talking with a couple that I may never see again. The reason I will never see them again is because they are not ready to make a change.

You see, they were caught in “ME mode.”What I mean by that is they were not even able to see outside of themselves. They were not able to see how they were getting in the way of the relationship. Each one pointing the finger at the other. In fact, every conversation quickly went back to “what’s wrong with you.”

I couldn’t see how they could make any changes because they were so caught up in seeing why the other person was wrong. They were never able to see why they were wrong. What a catastrophe! I couldn’t believe that we couldn’t go even 30 seconds without one pointing the finger at the other end telling me how right he or she was and how wrong the other person was!

You see, even therapist get frustrated sometimes! I played referee for an entire hour! At the end of the time, I suggested that each one needed to decide whether they wanted to really make any changes, or just point out the faults of the other person.

Sadly, this couple could probably fix their marriage with little effort… IF they were willing to see that each one had fault. I just needed a little room. I didn’t need any major changes. All that needed to happen was for one or the other to decide that it was not just the other person’s fault.

So why do we drive each other crazy? Why are marriages so difficult? Because we are rarely honest with our spouse. More than that, we are rarely honest with ourselves. Over time, everyone of us builds up resentments. Over time, few of us share our resentments. Each one may be very small, but if you add them up, you’ve created a tinderbox that leads to marital distress, frustration, and ignited of anger.

I am not suggesting that we have to tell our spouse everything that is on our mind. In fact, that would be quite destructive to the relationship. However, we often refuse to even tell the few things that could make a real difference in our marriage. In this case, the man simply wanted to feel like he was liked. Oddly, his wife did like him. She just didn’t express it in ways that he recognized. Tragic!

For her side, she kept waiting for him to tell her exactly what he was upset about. Why didn’t he? Because in his family, the rule of thumb was to not fight, not argue, and not tell what you wanted. Her family? They fought it out, argued it out, and told you exactly what they wanted.

Two different families, two different roles. And spouses the didn’t talk about it. In fact, didn’t even recognize it. Now, a marriage is about to end because both people think they are correct, and are definite that the other is wrong.

My advice? First, couples need to get in the habit of talking about the little difficulties. We wait until they build up, they suddenly become very personal, very painful, and almost always intractable.

Second, we humans are a lot like animals. At least in how we train each other. If behavior gives us something that we want, we keep doing it! For example, my dog is one big Labrador retriever. His head can easily rest on our table. Every now and then, my son lets a piece of cereal fall out of his bowl and onto his placemat. It only took a couple of times for my dog to realize that he got a treat as soon as my son left the table. Now, it is very hard to keep my dog away from the table.

When we humans get rewarded for “bad behavior,” in other words, when our painful actions towards others gets rewarded, we tend to repeat the behavior, even if it hurts the other person. In fact, we often fail to see that it hurts the other person.

Couples train each other in what behavior works and what behavior doesn’t work. Be careful in how you train your spouse. For example, with the couple I saw yesterday, when she pouted, he came to the rescue. But the difference between pouting and looking angry is very slight. Over time, her pout began to look like anger to him. From then on, she was pouting for attention, and he was feeling rejected.

Would either believe me if I told them about this? After about an hour of trying to convince them, I can tell you that neither one will believe what I’m saying. They have already made up their minds.

Third, one thing that is often missing in a marriage is our attempt to not just understand but to accept our spouse. All of us have our faults, and when we forget that, our spouse has a hard time living up to our expectations. Suddenly, all we can see are their faults.

So, the threat is in expecting perfection in our spouse, or seeing only fault. So here’s the conundrum: we want to be accepted for who we are, but we have a hard time offering that to our spouse. “ME mode”is probably the most destructive pattern in any marriage. When we get caught up in ourselves, we forget the other. Marriage is all about WE. Remember that, and you have increased the likelihood of success in your marriage a hundredfold.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Core Beliefs: Why We Struggle To Change
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Did you see my earlier post about my free video on changing your marriage by addressing your core beliefs? Well, that video created so much email that I made a second video. You can see the free marriage video here.

Here is an email I got yesterday (just one of about 100) about the video:

You wanted feedback? Well here is some:

My marriage has been in a state of crisis for almost a year, and I am trying to put it back together with a psychologist, who is copied.

I think your videos are freakin’ GREAT. I am an architect and I make decisions about how developers should spend millions of dollars based on building codes, market conditions, aesthetics, engineering considerations, etc., and I think I know a lot. But these videos are truly eye-opening, and may help me save my marriage, and the futures of 4 innocent young girls. Keep up the great work!

That was from Phil S.

Take a look! No obligation, no signup. Just go here and it will load and play.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Stop Reviving, Start Thriving: The Video
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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So, this is the place to let me know what you think about the video! Any suggestions, disagreements, kudos? Just comment!

If you haven’t seen the video, you can do so by CLICKING HERE!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Top Ten Reasons To Go Ahead And Divorce (NOT!)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Divorce. A big word and a big decision. One that many take too lightly. After 2 decades working to stop divorces, I have heard all the reasons people give — really the justifications. So here is my Top 10 List!

10) This just isn’t fun anymore!

Reality Check: “Fun” isn’t really what it is about, is it? There is no promise that times will be fun. In fact, I think the real question is “what can you learn from these tough times?”

Did you ever think about quitting that “parenting gig” because it wasn’t fun? OK, maybe in a fantasy, but not seriously. Or how about school? Did you stick with it to get where you wanted to?

Marriage can be tough. But for couples that actually work on making their marriage better, the tough times fall away. There will always be tough spots, but couples learn to better manage them — if they focus on improving the relationship.

9) He/She changed!

Reality Check: Thank goodness! We all change. Sometimes, the changes are more popular with those around us. Sometimes, we forget that we changed, too. In fact, what we really missed is that we change each other. The fact that change happened, that is part of the deal. Talking about the changes, good and bad, that is the sign of health and growth.

8) That toothpast, toilet seat, (fill in the blank) drives me crazy!

Reality Check: We all do things that drive others crazy. Marriage puts us into close proximity to those idiosyncracies — and therefore much more into the “crazy zone.” But really, is there no way around that? How about 2 tubes of toothpaste? How about figuring out a way around those issues? Are they really that big?

Oh, and isn’t it nice to be accepted for ourselves, crazy habits and all? It amazes me how often people want to be accepted, but forget that the other person really wants to be accepted, too! Work to accept, rather than judge.

7) We don’t have anything in common.

Reality Check: First, this can be changed. Any two people should be able to find SOMETHING in common. We are really all more alike than different. So look for the commonalities, not the differences.

Then, seek out some places of connection: vacation destinations (perhaps not your first choice, but still fun), hobbies, food styles. . . maybe the kids??? Really, I am just suggesting a shift in outlook, not necessarily a shift in anything else. I can either look for how my wife is different than me, or how we have commonalities. The choice is mine. . . if I choose it.

6) Our finances are driving me crazy!

Reality Check: The most commonly reported reason for marital discord is money. That is the symptom. The real issue is power: who controls the money, what priorities get funded, etc. Money is merely a tool. Use it to further life together.

Whenever power is an issue, the true connection of marriage hasn’t happened. So, time to shift the focus back to connection and away from money.

BIG Reality Check: Think you are fighting about money now? You haven’t seen anything, yet! Divorces attorneys ask for a retainer, usually $3 to $5K. That, my friend, is a downpayment! Double that, since there are two attorneys involved. Then double or triple it. The average divorce in America costs $20,000. Think you can do it for less? So have MANY others. Few succeed.

Oh, then you need to factor in the drop in your retirement to 1/2 of what it is. Then factor in the cost of maintaining 2 households. There is only one financial winner in a divorce: the attorneys.

5) The kids shouldn’t see us fighting!

Reality Check: Agreed! It is very unhealthy for children to grow up in conflicted homes. The constant stress creates a much higher diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder, clinical depression, and anxiety. Quite a price to pay!

But there is that other option of working on your marriage and making it a happy one! You may be teaching your child an important lesson: you don’t have to quit. Sometimes, you can work through tough times and come out better.

4) It won’t harm the kids!

Reality Check: This one fails the research, big time! At one point, some research indicated that children are not affected by divorce. That research has been shown to be flawed. No serious research shows children unaffected.

Think about it, you are tearing away everything a child knows as safety. Even if it has been conflicted, the family is still where a child finds security. Their entire world is turned upside down by divorce. How could that NOT affect them?

Would they recover? Sure, they will move forward. But the scars are permanent and lifelong. Don’t be fooled by those who quote bad research to justify the whole divorce industry.

3) We don’t love each other!

Reality Check: This usually means that the feelings of passion and attraction are missing. No surprise, since the majority of marriages do not nurture the relationship. If I quit exercising, become sedentary for a few years, then look down and am surprised to see little muscle and lots of fat, it would be wrong to use that as proof to not exercise! It is just a reality I have created by not taking care of myself.

The real answer is to get with a program of exercise. In marriage, it becomes about becoming intentional about nurturing the relationship. Will it be easy? No. Ever started an exercise program after being sedentary? Did you get sore? Did that mean you should stop?

The obvious answer is the soreness comes from the muscles not being used to the exercise, and the real solution is to keep exercising. Now, I can’t just jump in and run 20 miles after doing nothing. I have to build up. Same in a relationship. You start slowly and build up. . . and the feelings will return!

2) I didn’t sign up for this!

Reality Check: Likely, you did! Remember this?:
“For richer or poorer”
“In good times and bad”
“In sickness and health”

Not much left there, is it? Broke? Covered. Chronic or even terminal illness? Covered. Lots of tough days, no fun, no talking, lots of tension? Covered.

So are the up times — days of plenty, health and fun. We get too caught up in the negative times and lose our focus. A marriage vow is for life, and works when the relationship is nurtured (notice a common theme here?).

1) (Fill in with your reason)!

Reality Check: (Fill in with your own thoughts)

This is the most important to think about and evaluate, because it is your’s, the reason you are here. Challenge yourself. Think about your reasons, and see if you have built it up into fiction.

Final Word:

There are so many reasons people list for “having to divorce.” Most are fictional, just plain inaccurate. They are reasons we use to justify our decisions. But there are two reasons I find justifiable.

First, I do not think abusive relationships should be addressed by the abused. Abusive relationships are always about imbalances in power. But more than that, abuse usually escalates and sometimes becomes life-threatening. Safety outweighs working on the marriage.

Second, I believe that people who are involved in several affairs have a deeper issue that must be addressed before the marriage is addressed. In other words, if someone has had multiple affairs, he or she is unwilling to live within the marria
ge and the spouse must accept this reality, often by enforcing her or his boundaries — leaving the relationship.

Finally, if there is an addiction involved, this must first be addressed before anything can be addressed within the marriage. Otherwise, it will be a practice in a) futility and b) blame-shifting — the issue centers on the marriage, not on the addiction.

Other than those issues, I believe that marriages can be saved, divorce can be avoided. Healing is possible and connection is the result.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Two Feelings Necessary In A Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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There are two essential feelings necessary for a marriage to thrive or even survive. Notice I said feelings, not emotions. I think that word better describes what I am trying to communicate. I feel a certain way. That ties into an emotional response, but is still different.

I note these feelings for you as a way of considering how you are feeling, and to consider how your spouse may be feeling. At this point, I am suggesting these feelings, but am not going to be giving a great deal of answers. That is something I am still working on.

So the two feelings are

  1. Feeling wanted.
  2. Feeling accepted.

Feeling wanted would be in opposition to feeling a) needed or b) unwanted. And feeling accepted is in opposition to feeling rejected (its just that it is not quite so simple as that).

To take these in order: Feeling wanted. With this idea, I am referring to feeling wanted on a number of fronts. Am I wanted sexually? Does the person want to be with me? Does the person want to know me? Does the person want me to do better? These are just a few of the “wants.” You can add yours.

The opposite of feeling wanted is feeling unwanted or needed. Both of these feelings destroy a relationship. If I feel unwanted, then I begin to feel undesirable, unlovable, unworthy. This is especially true if it comes from someone I love. Feeling unwanted causes us to question our physical attractiveness, or mental capacity, our spiritual basis. All from a single feeling.

But just as destructive is the feeling of being needed. You see, someone can need me without wanting me. Or the feeling of being needed can lead to fears of losing one’s self to the other person. When someone needs me, it pulls at me to meet that person’s needs, regardless of what I might want.

What I am not saying: couples do depend on each other. That is the nature of marriage. So the more you weave your life together, the more you functionally rely on each other, and really need each other. But that is different than the feeling of being needed, really of neediness from a spouse.

So, two questions on this one:

  1. Do you feel wanted by your spouse?
  2. Does your spouse feel wanted by you?

Next feeling: the feeling of being accepted. This is one of the most basic emotional needs that we have, to be accepted and loved. While I believe that unconditional love is a goal, not a reality, this is sort of what I am referring to. Does my spouse accept me for who I am?

I am reminded of some wise advice I heard long ago, “when someones ‘I could love you if. . .,’ they already love you, they just want to change you.” Unfortunately, many marriages are built on people making a project out of their spouse. It may start before marriage, or it may start years into a marriage. But most spouses have a “wish list” of changes they would love in a spouse.

In the last week, I have heard about spouses that would be more loved if they: lost weight, got a better job, cleaned better, lasted longer during sex, had more sex, started an interesting hobby, dressed more stylishly, quit drinking, starting exercising, spoke more pleasantly, quit snoring, started going to church, helped more around the house, etc., etc.

Now my point is NOT that we cannot improve ourselves. My point is that when the pressure comes from outside of ourselves, we feel more defeated than empowered and we feel unaccepted (or rejected). When someone wants me to change, my feeling is not of being accepted but of being rejected. I do not feel like I am being helped to change, only that I am not accepted.

What this does NOT mean: we do not have to put up with any behavior, just to accept the other person. I don’t have to accept abuse, lying, criminal behavior, infidelity, and any number of other actions. So if we drop out all the “outliers,” and go with the more typical, then we are aiming at the same target.

Someone once said, after the husband made it clear that she needed to lose weight, “it’s not like I can’t see myself in the mirror! He acts like this is some revelation to me!” Fact is, most of us are aware of our shortcomings and imperfections. Having them pointed out is rarely constructive. Feeling accepted and loved, that is what we all need!

So again:

  1. Do you feel accepted?
  2. Does your spouse feel accepted?

Talk to me. Tell me what you think. Am I on target? Would you like to hear more on this subject? Do you disagree? Leave a comment and tell me what you think.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Why I Work To Save Marriages
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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On a daily basis, I get emails that are, well, less than polite. Most demand I give them my product for free, some doubt my sincerity. A few accuse my of being a con. As my wife noted years ago, “you have to have tougher skin than I to do this.” And in the years on the internet, I have developed some toughness. Still, at some point, anyone gets tired of emails. I do recognize that people write emails in ways they would never write or communicate otherwise. I take that into account. However, I decided I would be clear about this.

My name is Lee Baucom, and I am here to save marriages. That is it. I am not trying to become a millionaire off of other people’s pain. In fact, I live in the same house we have lived in for 10 years. I get up every day and go to work.

So, for anyone thinking that I am some “internet millionaire,” sitting on a beach and sipping cool drinks, please tell that to my bank account!

Some have accused me of being an opportunist. That certainly misses the fact that after 4 years of college, I attended almost 9 years of graduate school, along with 6 years of clinical training. My training was all about marriage and family therapy. This is a field I have worked in for almost 20 years.

Why, then, do I do this? Because I believe in marriage. I believe that marriages are the stability of society, the backbone of successful families. Whenever I hear people saying that divorce is not harmful to children, I know they are quoting research. But they fail to note that much of that research has been reexamined and found flawed and incorrect.

How can children not be affected when someone takes everything they have known about love and security, and torn it in half? And since I get to spend my days with people in pain, I hear about that pain on a daily basis.

Long ago, I decided we can either work to heal the deep wounds, or we can be preventative. And fixing marriages, saving a marriage, is preventative. Save a marriage, save a family.

However, I have never believed that you simply stay married to stay married. You stay married and build a marriage that is life-giving, loving, and supportive. It is not enough just to prevent a divorce, which is why I don’t call my program Stop The Divorce. I am out to save a marriage, make it something worth treasuring.

So why don’t I give away my information for free (actually, I do, with a free marriage ecourse)? Because generally speaking, you get what you pay for. And because there are many, many costs to provide this service (Google sends me a present every Christmas for all the money I pay them for advertising!).

The same people who accuse me of not giving away the information no doubt pay for a doctor’s services, an attorney’s services, maybe even an accountant’s services. That is the way our society works.

I am also aware the the cost of my information is far less than even a decent meal out, probably less than 1/2 the cost of most people’s cell phone bills, equal to maybe 10 drinks at Starbucks, a couple of six-packs of beer, far less than a month of cable — all to save a marriage! Really, I have begun to see it about 99% of the time being about priorities.

So I can promise you this: I am not getting rich off this. I do this because I believe in marriages. I am here to help people save their marriages. Care to join me?

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Bad Advice!: Not All You Read Is Helpful!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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OK, rant time!

I have tried, for as long as I have been on the internet, to avoid pointing the finger at marriage advice on the internet. But I can’t be quiet any longer!

When I started offering help with marriages in 2001, there were maybe 2 of us on the internet. Now, there is an explosion of ebooks and advice on how to save your marriage. Most even borrowed my subtitle: “Even if only you want to.”

My problem is not about the competition. In my mind, there really is no competition. If people are genuinely offering good advice with the intent of helping to save a marriage, I have no problem.

I have often said that my job is to put myself out of business. If I could save every marriage, my job would be done! I could pull out the hammock, put it up between the coconut trees, grab my cool drink, and watch the tide come in. Not much chance of that little fantasy!

So, my problem is not the “competition.” It is the horrible advice I am seeing out there. You probably have seen it, too. And you may have even been tempted by it.

Almost always, the advice tries to give you some easy answer (or an answer you would love to hear). Saving a marriage takes effort! No amount of “magic potions,” hypnosis, reverse psychology, “make your spouse jealous,” or “how to be a great lover” advice is going to put “poor Humpty together again!”

So much of the advice is based in deception! Who ever believed they could fool someone into staying married?? Oh, sure, the reverse psychology (basically agreeing with your spouse, so that they are disarmed) may give you a little time to get moving, but very little time. Whenever we seek to manipulate someone, it will come back to bite you in the butt!

Magic potions? Come one! Love, and restoring love, is magic enough. Saying a few wishful words is not going to make it so. If you have seen “The Secret,” that is my biggest gripe with it. It is not that I don’t believe in intention. I do think that what we focus on, we often create. If nothing else, because we notice what we focus on, this works.

But if we think we can just sit back and imagine our spouse coming back, then we miss the important part: action! Something has to change. We have to change! Again, I am not against visualization. It is a fine place to start, but you can’t imagine yourself into a new relationship! You have to take action — and you have to take the right action!

Which brings us to the information that inspired this rant! I was reading an article by someone who wrote an ebook (“He Who Shall Not Be Named,” mostly because name-calling seems a little juvenile). Now this person is really an internet marketer that decided there was a buck to be made here. Which is why I think the advice is so dangerous. It is not tested, not clinical, and based in making money.

What this person suggests is aimed at men: if you are separated, you should date and pursue other women! He says this will help with your self-esteem and -respect! He says it will make your wife jealous!

So, first, this may fit into some male fantasy, but it is just that — fantasy!

Second, it basically means that someone is going out to “use” someone as a way of getting a spouse back. Does that not just seem really cruel, and in fact bordering on immoral? It is not that someone has decided that the marriage is over and starts looking to establish another relationship. It is establishing a “relationship” with the plan that it will get a marriage back on track!

Third, in many instances, the end result is one of two paths: it either tanks any chance at reconciliation or creates more wounds that must be overcome. Many spouses will see this as a sign that the marriage really is over, and emotionally leave at that point. The rest, if there is a reconciliation, will now have a trust issue and hurt that must be overcome.

Finally, anyone that sees this as a path to self-worth and self-esteem has WAAAY underestimated their worth. Reducing oneself so a “conquest” is a low place to go.

So, as you look for advice, I would hope you would pose a couple of questions:

1) Consider the source. Is this an expert or just someone with an opinion?

2) As you read, does the person offer the promise of an easy and simple, no work answer? Marriages do not get in trouble overnight, and it takes a while to get them back on course.

3) Can you, with integrity, follow the advice? At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. If you manipulate someone, are you OK with yourself? If it works, will you say to yourself, “yeah, but I tricked him/her into staying”? Above all, be true to yourself.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .