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Why Your Balance Book Marriage Will Fail: #28 Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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save your marriage without a balance bookYou can say it many ways:  “keeping score,” “tit-for-tat,” “keeping a ledger,” “looking for the balance book.”  If you run your marriage that way, you are headed for trouble.

Problem is, it is perfectly human to make this mistake.  And in the midst of a marriage crisis, more likely.

Are you asking, “why am I putting in more than my spouse?” you are playing the ledger game. If you have pronounced to yourself, your spouse, or your friends, “I will not do anything more until he or she does,” you are playing with a balance book.

Unfortunately, I can tell you the outcome:  marriage failure.  More marriages die from a “Cold War” than from a “Hot War.”

But there is another option.  Listen to this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast to discover the secret to a “ledger-free” marriage.

Have you played the game?  Let me know how, and how you are changing it in the comments area below.

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“Die, Cupid, Die”: Valentine’s Day and Saving Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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“Die, Cupid, Die!”,  Dave cried out.  He was frustrated.  The biggest sticking point in their marriage?  His wife was proclaiming, “There is no chemistry here.  I don’t have those feelings for you.”

Let me be clear:  Dave was not in disagreement.  He said he wasn’t feeling “all gushy,” either.  But his solution and his wife’s solution were a radical departure from each other.

Dave wanted to work on the marriage, rebuild their connection, and respark the flame.  His wife, “Sue,” wanted to divorce.

Sue reasoned that “If you don’t feel THAT way, there is nothing you can do.  You either feel it or you don’t.  If you don’t, then you need to get out.”

What happened to that feeling?  Why did it disappear?  And can it come back?

Dave was working hard to save his marriage.  Sue was working hard to end her marriage.  Neither seemed too interested in the questions I was pondering.

Ponder with me for a few moments.

Why are we so preoccupied with those feelings of attraction?  Is it built into our DNA?  Or is it a rather recent issue?

My answer:  both.  We are wired for this attraction.  It is certainly a wonderful method of making sure there are future generations!  We know that the drive to have sex is rooted very deeply in our brains, at the most primitive level.  This is the reason that we see such reckless behavior that is motivated by sexual attraction and desire.  People put their lives, their health, the jobs, their relationships, and anything else, on the line in pursuit of that desire.

But romance and how important it has become, that is a rather recent phenomenon.  Families have been a part of human existence from the beginning.  Living together, in a unit, was a method of survival.  Relationships that started as sexual attraction developed into units of preservation — nurturing and protecting children and adults.

The emphasis on romance as the basis of the marital relationship, though, is much more recent.  Once survival was less the issue, other goals came into view.  Feeling connected, relating in loving ways, and sharing of lives became more important.

When a family is focused on surviving, getting nourishment, staying warm, and avoiding predators, there is little room for a couple to have long “relationship talks” about “how we are doing.”  The focus is survival.  Maslow’s hierarchy of needs verifies this.  We have to have our basic needs met before we can be bothered with higher levels of relating and meaning.

For many of us, those basic levels of survival have been met.  This allows for another, higher,  level of relating.  But higher levels of relating are often corrupted and cheapened by humans.  We humans tend to overshoot potentials and often strip the deeper meaning for a “quick fix.”

Let’s take an example:  self-esteem.  Originally, self-esteem was the notion of feeling good about doing good.  In other words, self-esteem was feeling positive about taking positive action.  Along the way, we forgot the second half.  Self-esteem became “feeling good about one’s self.”  Over time, this became more and more divorced from actions.  It was just about having a feeling.  This is, you will note, a very short step from being narcissistic — feeling good about yourself (regardless of your actions/inactions), and seeing yourself as being superior to others (a rather simplified definition, but let’s go with that).

Research has shown that self-esteem (as culture now defines it) has nothing to do with life success, higher earnings, or any other positive life indicator.  In fact, research has demonstrated that juvenile delinquents have a higher-than-average level of self-esteem.  I would take that to mean that there may actually be a negative association, not a positive one.

Human nature:  take an idea with potential, go overboard, and destroy the positive in the process.  Dumb it down and make it nearly worthless.

Which brings us to the notion of romance.

Recent times have brought more and more of an emphasis on the importance of the feeling.  The feelings associated with romance have long been there (tied back into that whole “sexual attraction” wiring).

My very wise Grandmother several times remarked, “Chemistry is not a big deal in marriage. . . unless it isn’t there.”  In other words, that feeling of attraction, when it is in a good place in a marriage, is not the measuring stick of how a marriage is going.  But if it is not there, it can be painful.

Let’s add some fuel to the fire and corrupt what should be a healthy, nurturing aspect to a marriage.  We live in a culture that inundates us with messages:  romantic movies where the romance is always there, books with the same premise, songs that emphasize this one facet of love, the marketing of Valentine’s day as the penultimate expression of romance (with flowers, jewelry, dark dinners, and “lubricated” fun at the end).  Unfortunately, as is usually the case when merchants and marketers get their grips on it, reality vanishes and fantasy is substituted.

Reality:  a couple that is overwhelmed with a house, children, bills, work (including 24/7 connection to email, messaging, and phone calls), and guilt over the undone things (eating well, exercising, reading, etc., etc., etc.).

Should it be any surprise that the typical couple loses touch with that romantic side of life?  Is it a mystery that a couple might stop feeling that “gushy” feeling of attraction?  Absolutely not.  It is dangerous and counterproductive, but rather expected, unfortunately.

As one woman so poignantly told me, “I thought we had just placed our marriage on pause.  After the kids and work, we would get back to us.  But instead, he thought it meant we were done.”

Relationships don’t go on pause.  Marriages cannot be set aside, expecting the relationship to be alright when both decide to return.  It is like not exercising a muscle for years, then being surprised to one day notice the muscle has atrophied and is weak.  Relationships are either growing or they are atrophying.  There is no pause.

At the same time, thanks to the cultural messages we all receive, the over-emphasis on romance and romantic feelings causes people to believe that if the feelings are absent, the marriage is over.

Can a marriage survive without those feelings of connection?  As those family units of long-ago demonstrated, survival is possible.  But thriving is not.

The real question is, can those feelings return to a marriage that has been allowed to decline?  Absolutely (and probably easier than most imagine).

My colleague, Dr. Bob Huizenga, notes that when one spouse requests more romance or more sexiness, it comes from a place of neediness — of the one making the request.  Men are often urged to be more romantic.  Women are often urged to be more sexy.  But the one doing the urging is doing so from a place of neediness, ” I NEED  you to be more romantic/sexy.”  It is not about a shift in the relationship, but an attempt to get a “hit” of something.  Kind of like a drug.  In fact, very much like a drug.

Another colleague of mine, Dr. Bob Grant, talks about the difference between adrenaline-connection and endorphin-attraction (you can hear my interview with Bob Grant HERE).

Adrenaline-connection is the type of attraction experienced at the beginning of a relationship.  It is the gushy, butterflies-in-the-stomach, “I can’t stand to be apart” feeling that happens in the early stages of the relationship.  And it is the feeling that Hollywood has sold us as the indicator of 1) a TRUE relationship, 2) an ever-present feature of a good relationship.

Unfortunately, sustaining that level of connection is impossible.  Our neural system develops a tolerance for the adrenaline (just like a drug), and the feelings subside.  This can feel like a disaster, if someone does not expect this.  Sometimes, people take this as a sign that the relationship was not meant to be.  Yet, it is a normal stage of development.

Adrenaline-connection is all about “what am I getting out of this?”  It is a desire for ME to feel that gushy feeling.  It is a desire for ME to get that hit of adrenaline/dopamine.

Endorphin-connection is the connection of a maturing relationship.  It is based in acting lovingly toward a spouse.  It is based in “What can I put INTO this relationship?  How can I show love?”  It is not about neediness, but expressing love and commitment.  From that, the feelings of connection grow and mature.

Do you see the shift?  Instead of going after that maturing, endorphin-based connection, we elevate the adrenaline-based connection that is unsustainable.  We built an entire holiday and industry on that idea.

Saint Valentine, the saint whose day we celebrate, was imprisoned for an act of civil disobedience.  He continued to marry couples, in spite of an injunction against marriages.  The king had decreed that weddings were illegal, as he wanted young men to be unencumbered by families, so they could go fight his wars.  Valentine believed in love and commitment.  He continued to marry couples.  And he paid the price.

His sainthood was about committed love — not just a simple romantic notion.

So how do you respond to Valentine’s Day, if you are trying to save your marriage?

First, don’t get suckered into the cultural messaging.  Marriages do not perish or revive around a moment of romance.  While I am all for building feelings of connection and love (from which those romantic feelings will emerge), I do not believe you can jump-start a hurting relationship by making a grand romantic (or “sexy”) gesture.

Second, you don’t have to ignore the holiday, either.  Your spouse is noticing.  So, you want to do something that expresses your love and commitment.  A simple arrangement of flowers with a note of appreciation for the love you have shared over the years can be a way of demonstrating love, honoring the holiday, and building some connection.

Third, never fall for the “romantic getaway,” “big relationship talk,” or “romantic gesture” as the way to win him/her back over.  It works in the movies, but they do have a script to follow!  It does NOT (or will rarely) work in real life.

Fourth, change the equation in your head:  look for how to put love into the relationship, not how to make things romantic, hoping it will bring love back.  The endorphin-connection is created by loving acts.  It builds and strengthens as a couple acts in loving ways toward each other.

So, what happened with Sue and Dave?  In a unilateral move, Dave continued to focus on acting in loving ways.  He didn’t try to win Sue over.  He simply kept being loving, showing his commitment to the relationship.  At that point, Dave would tell you that he was acting on his commitment, not on an abundance of feelings of romance.

At first, Sue was resistant.  She simply did not trust Dave’s actions.  For awhile, Sue was constantly on-guard, trying to guess what was motivating Dave.  She simply could not understand the reason for his actions.

A funny thing happened to Dave, as he continued to stick with his plan:  he fell in love with his wife all over again.  He remember what first attracted him to her.  And that gave him the courage to stick it out.

One day, Sue began to feel some connection.  She smiled a bit more, was less snappy and defensive.  It became easier for Dave to keep on moving ahead.  Sue began to make some simple gestures.

As it turns out, their love had not died.  It was simply in hibernation.  Some warmth from both was all it took to bring it out of hibernation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Rules For Apologizing: #26 Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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How To Save Your Marriage and ApologizeApologies.  We all do it — but do we do it right?

I remember being held by the scruff of my neck, forced to apologize to my brother.  I was neither apologetic nor conciliatory.  I was, however, captive.  So I apologized.

It was a good idea.  It is just that my heart wasn’t in it.

And sometimes, even when we mean it, we mess it up, just because of how we do an apology.

In this week’s podcast, we take a look at apologies and how to offer one.  This is a good follow up to the podcast on forgiveness.

Let me propose 5 rules for giving an apology and why an apology is so important.

What rules would you add?  What points did I miss?  Please leave a comment below.

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Frustrated and Ready To Give Up? Don’t!: #25, Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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how to save your marriage when you are frustrated and want to give up.Just the other day, “Sue” wrote me to tell me she was ready to quit.  She told me that her husband had been involved in an emotional affair, and she discovered the emails.  When confronted, her husband told Sue that he did not love Sue and had been unhappy for years.

Sue decided to take matters in her own hands and save her marriage.  She changed herself and worked on improving the connection with her husband.  In fact, Sue went into “overdrive” in her efforts.  Several weeks in, she was exhausted, hurt and scared.  Her husband told her that he saw the efforts, but it was too late.

In her email, Sue told me she was ready to give up, but wanted to know what I thought.  She asked, “do I have a snowball’s chance in hell of saving this?”  Unfortunately, I don’t have a crystal ball.

But I do know this:  Sue was at a very normal, very predictable stage in the process of a marriage crisis.  In this audio, I will tell you the stages, and will also tell you one more thing:  sometimes people give up just before a breakthrough.  Sometimes, the resistance and frustration is highest just before a shift — but people either give up or try to force it.

Do you want to know the secret on what to do?  Take a listen to the audio.

Then let me know what you think in the comments area below!

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Stop Trying To Convince!: Episode 24, Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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save your marriage, no begging, pleading, convincingDo you find yourself trying to convince your spouse to work on the relationship?

Do you try logic and rational facts to “help” your spouse see your point?

Do you find yourself begging and pleading, trying to get your spouse to change his or her mind?

Do you notice that these strategies fail?  Do you notice that many times, when you try to convince, when you argue, beg and plead, that you actually lose ground?

Let’s talk about why this happens, why your spouse is resisting, and how you can do it differently.

Please listen to this week’s podcast and let me know what you think in the comments area below.

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NEW! Save The Marriage Podcast
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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In an effort to deliver information you want in the format you desire, we have just started the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Episode 1 is here.  In this episode, I discuss the secret to a successful marriage, along with the 3 simple steps to saving your marriage.

To subscribe through iTunes, CLICK HERE.

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Does Marriage Counseling Work?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Each year, many thousands of couples go to marriage counseling all over the world.  But does marriage counseling work?

That’s the big question, isn’t it?  People go, pay for help, and hope they are going to receive it.

For the past quarter of a century, I have been working with couples to save and improve their marriage.  I was trained as a marriage therapist.  And for the first few years, I worked hard to help couples.  But when I looked around, I became disturbed.  Marriages were still failing.  People were not improving their relationship.

So, I started looking at the research.  The research that asked that very question, “does marriage counseling work?”

What Does the Research Say?  Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Well, the research found in various journals is pretty clear.  In many studies, marriage counseling was found to be one of the least helpful versions of therapy.

Roughly, 50% of couples who went to marriage counseling still ended up divorced.  That matches the statistics for marriage, in general.  More than that, 25% reported being worse-off after therapy than before.  And only 15-18% reported any improvement in their relationship.

So imagine going to a doctor and having the doctor say “You need a procedure.  The mortality rate is 50%.  There is a 25% chance that you will be worse off after the procedure.  And really, there is only a 20% chance that it will help.”  Would you be rushing out to have the procedure?

I would not be ready to jump in.

Why Doesn’t Marriage Counseling Work?

The Therapist Issues

To be sure, there are caring and gifted therapists everywhere.  In my experience, therapists are really wanting to help.  There is no question that almost all therapists are committed to helping.  Many, though, do not have the tools or training to help.

More than that, many couples enter marriage counseling when they are absolutely at the end of the relationship.  What might have been a slight “course correction” in the early days of the problem, has become major surgery on a near-death victim.  Sometimes, too much damage is done.

But the reality is that many therapists have not made the necessary shift in process to be helpful in a marriage.  Therapy is an excellent tool for individual growth and development.  And in individual therapy, the therapist knows exactly who the client is — which can be a bit more confusing when there are two “clients.”  The therapist is trained to respond to the individual.  And without a paradigm shift or specific training, the therapist becomes less clear about the client.

So part of the reason why marriage counseling often doesn’t work is a matter of perspective and training.

Also, many therapists have long bought into the idea that communication is the issue.  The goal becomes helping a couple to communicate better.  But communication helps very little if there is a great deal of animosity and misperception between the couple.  Clearing the misperceptions and creating the connection is much more important.

The Couple Issues

Part of the problem comes from the couple.  Here, a number of factors affect the outcome.

First, many times, one person drags the other person into the process.  The resistant spouse is reluctant to enter into the process.  And with only half of the relationship, at best, joining the process, the potential for healing in therapy drops drastically.

Second, in this culture of experts, we are used to having someone else do the “hard work.”  A doctor is responsible to figure out what is wrong with you and give you a treatment.  And we seem to prefer a treatment that is easy for us.  For example, while exercise is helpful in many health problems, most patients will choose to pop a pill rather than take a walk.

We are used to an expert giving us an easy solution. And when we leave it to the therapist, we remove our own responsibility to take action.

Couples who are waiting for the therapist to fix their problem, whether this is a conscious or unconscious desire, place the burden on a therapist.  When this happens, at the end of unsuccessful therapy, the couple says, “Well, we tried marriage counseling and it didn’t help.”  They never realize that they failed to take action or responsibility.

The medical model of care is changing.  Patients are, more and more, partnering with their doctor.  Patients look for information to help understand the problem and treatment.  The same proactive approach would benefit couples counseling.

When Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Marriage counseling does work for many people.  There are several ways that any couple can increase the likelihood of counseling helping.

First, couples should take the time to find the right fit with a therapist.  If I am having brain surgery, I am simply wanting the best surgeon for that surgery.  After all, I will be asleep while the doctor is working.  But therapy is based in relationship.  When the therapist/client relationship is not good, the couple will simply resist the best efforts of the therapist, even if the advice is in the couple’s best interest.

Second, couples should ask about training.  Is it specialized in marriage counseling?  And how does the therapist understand the client?  Does the therapist understand that the client is really the relationship?  Any other idea misses the point.

Third, couples should take full responsibility for their outcome.  The best therapist cannot help a couple that refuses to take action.  And sometimes, the worst therapist can’t stop a motivated couple from getting better.

Couples who work on their relationship, find information that is helpful, and take full responsibility for getting their marriage unstuck are likely to benefit the most from therapy.

Alternatives to Marriage Therapy

There are a number of other options, rather than just marriage counseling.  Couples can attend retreats and workshops.  Couples may find it helpful to work with a Relationship Coach.  Other couples can find help in home study courses, books, and other resources.

If your marriage is in trouble, there is no reason to see marriage counseling as your only option.  Even if you both choose to enter into therapy, be sure that you take responsibility for building something great.

Many couples have found my Save The Marriage System to be an excellent replacement for marriage counseling or an adjunct to therapy.

Let me invite you to grab my program and get started saving your marriage.

Save Your Marriage: End Limiting Beliefs
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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“What can I do?,” cried Sharon, “I can’t do anything!  I don’t even know where to start!  I want to save my marriage, but he refuses to even think about it.”  And with that, Sharon launched into a discussion that lasted at least 25 minutes, telling me why nothing could be done, why her marriage was a lost cause, and how she was useless.

After several attempts to slow down the avalanche of hopelessness, I finally got Sharon’s attention:  “Okay, so there is nothing you can do.  This is helpless.  And your marriage is over.  Is that correct?,” I asked.  Sharon, looking out through tearful eyes, blurted “Yes!  It is useless!”

“Then why are you here?,” I implored.  “You know I work to help people save their marriages.  So my guess is you have some hope.”

“Hope, no.  Maybe wishful thinking,” Sharon replied.

“Well,” I noted, “your first problem IS your thinking, but it is not particularly wishful.  You already have placed limits on yourself.  You have very limiting beliefs.  And that is your first problem.”

Sharon had no idea what a limiting belief was, and had less understanding on what it mattered.  So I explained.

save your marriageWhat are Limiting Beliefs?

Below our conscious thinking, we have a built in group of beliefs that actually form and create our thoughts.  They are filters that allow us to see the world in certain ways and blind us to seeing the world in other ways.  Our built-in beliefs flavor our daily life, our thoughts, and our actions in ways that we are only slightly aware.

These beliefs can be aspirational or fearful.  They can be freeing or restraining.  Some beliefs show possibilities and some show limitations.  Most are only partially correct or entirely false.  Your beliefs about how to save your marriage are usually limiting.

Our fearful beliefs are powerful, and dangerous, for one important reason:  they operate invisibly — at least until we identify and name them.  These same beliefs lose their power when daylight is cast upon them.  When they can be examined, they evaporate.

Aspirational beliefs, on the other hand, grow stronger by being seen in the light of day.  They begin to move us in stronger and more powerful ways when they are understood and embraced.

So bringing fearful beliefs into the open destroys them and bringing aspirational beliefs into the open strengthens them.

Which raises the question of why we don’t bring them into the open more often?  First, many people fail to notice these beliefs in operation.  Second, we have to poke around a bit in areas that make us fearful.

But if you want to save your marriage, you need to examine those fearful beliefs and let them go.  They do not serve you!

Think of the limiting beliefs as chains that keep you stuck to the ground, bound to one place.  Think of your aspirational beliefs as freeing — cutting the chains to allow you to fly!  They allow you to shift to new places and new possibilities.

Where Do Limiting Beliefs Originate?

Our limiting beliefs are built over a lifetime.  It is a result of what we witnessed with our caretakers, how we were loved and cared for, how our siblings and friends related to us and us to them, and how other relationships in our lives have progressed.

Here is the interesting thing, and very important to know:  Our Aspirational Beliefs and our Limiting Beliefs (fear-based) are mirror images of each other!

What you most hope for, and what you most fear — mirror images.  You may, for example, hope for a loving and caring, well-connected marriage.  What you fear, then, is a marriage that is unloving, uncaring and disconnected.

This next point is equally important:  when that Limiting Belief is made conscious and examined, the Aspirational Belief grows and the Limiting Belief dims.  It is like the negative side of the mirror steams over and cannot be seen anymore.

Why Limiting Beliefs Can Stop Your Attempts To Save Your Marriage

If you want to save your marriage, you need to be much more clear about your limiting beliefs.  For example, if your limiting belief is that someone cannot truly love you, you will unconsciously rebuff the attempts of somebody trying to love you.  Over time, the other person will tire of trying to prove his/her love.  This makes it even harder to save your marriage, as your spouse has become frustrated with the process.

Or what if you say you want to save your marriage, but you do not believe your marriage can be saved.  Your actions to save your marriage will be short-lived.  You will take some action to save your marriage, become frustrated, reinforce your belief, and give up on your efforts to save your marriage.

In other words, your limiting beliefs will sabotage both attaining the marriage you want, then work against your efforts to save your marriage.

The next posts will point to some common limiting beliefs.

But now it is your turn.  What do YOU see as YOUR limiting beliefs?

The Last Time. . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Well, the school year has ended.  My son has completed his Sophomore year of high school.  Next week, he will cross another growth threshold.  He will get his drivers license.

I realized that it was too late.  I missed the last time.  Do you know that feeling?  That realization that you just passed a threshold, and did something for the last time?

What I have realized, time and again, is I pass those points and don’t even realize it until the moment has already passed.  It seems I didn’t even have a chance to savor it.  It passed, and I didn’t see it coming.

The threshold I am talking about, the last time, is not a big one.  Life seems to be made up of lots of little last times (and first times, too).  For many, it would mean little.  But I will miss it.

For the majority of my children’s school careers, I have had the pleasure of taking them to school.  I got to spend a few minutes in the car on the way to school, and got to see them off to the start of their day.

This past year, my daughter left for college.  So after a year of being off the school drop-off duty, I was back on this year.  Just my son and me, and since we live close to school, not even a long trip.

My daughter returned from college, and for the last few days of the school year, I took him to school, then delivered her to her summer job.

That’s when I realized:  my last time to take him to school, just him and me, had passed.  No celebration, no fanfare — he probably didn’t even notice it.  But I did.  Yet another point that I realize that life is shifting and changing.  Next year, he will drive himself.  One more place where a parent moves into obsolescence.

This is not to say that the change is a bad thing.  My son is growing up.  He is branching into the world.  But that is still a loss for me.

So what, you might wonder, does this have to do with someone working to save your marriage?

Sometimes, life races by.  We get desperate to do something out there, in the future.  And in the desperation to get somewhere, we miss where we are.  We lose the daily moments that make life wonderful.

Work on saving your marriage, but remember to savor the moment.  Focus on where you are and what you are doing.  We never know when we are doing something for the last time.  So we can either savor the moment or regret the moments we missed.

A single focus can be a very dangerous thing.  And nothing is more representative of that than trying to save a marriage.  It can feel so overwhelming and can occupy all of your thoughts, if you let it.

But there is more to life than any single element.  Even your marriage.

One of my clients for years was abandoned and left by her husband almost 30 years ago.  She spent the next few years in a depressed and alcohol-numbed trance.  Her three children grew up during those days.  And she missed many of those last times (and first times, and lots of other time) tied to a crisis that had passed, but kept her captive.

In the end, she gave up the majority of her life for the grief of a single event.  She spent years trying to find a way to win him back, then spent years regretting what she should have done to keep him, then spent years loathing the person she became.

That process robbed her of a life.  More accurately, she robbed herself of a life.  She tied herself to a single event, and reduced herself to that one point in her life.  The promise of more for herself and her children was destroyed by actions of which she had no control, then choices that were hers to control.

Realizing it or not, she made choices to stay connected to an event, a hurt.  She could never let it go.

Strangely, we humans go in two different directions.  Sometimes, we act as if this is all just a dress rehearsal.  We act as if we are preparing to get started, and in the meantime, we lose out on living.  Others act as if some single event makes or breaks our life.  We get so focused on that one event, we lose out on living.

Life is made up of savoring the moments, whatever they are, as they come.  We never know when they will be the last.

Save Your Marriage By Being A Fan(atic)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Sports teams, rock stars, actors, and even authors have fans.  And I mean raving fans!  Remember, “fan” is short for a “fanatic.”  Do you know people who fall into that category will root for that team or person, regardless of the current situation?  Team on a losing streak?  A true fan sticks by, not just hoping for a winning streak, but as supporters of the team.  The star makes very public mistakes?  True fans look for reasons and understanding.  They know that there is a good and decent person in there, somewhere.
Fans are committed, regardless of what it looks like.  Good days, bad days, and “meh” days, true fans are just that:  true to their team or star, loyal to the team or person.

My mother-in-law had a remarkable trait:  she was incredibly loyal.  If she was on your side, she was ON YOUR SIDE, no matter what.  If good news surfaced, she reveled in it.  If bad news surfaced, she looked past it to see something good in the person.  And she was unwavering.  There was no talking her out of her loyalty.  If she was in your corner, she stayed in your corner.  And she was protective.  You had better not say a bad word about someone that had her loyalty.  She would quickly correct you, and remind you of the greatness of that person.

What a lost trait!  Too quickly, when bad days come, we turn aside.  A team starts losing, fans stop coming to the game.  This, despite the fact that 50% of the participants in any game will go home the loser.  A star stumbles, people look for deeper character flaws.  This, despite the fact that stars are really just people trying to get by, just like the rest of us.

So what, you may ask, does being a fan have to do with your marriage?  If you are trying to save your marriage, perhaps everything.

When relationships are stressed and people are hurting, we often pull back from simple approaches that can help soothe the hurt and ease the stress.

One of the joys of my work over the years has been to work with couples who are preparing for marriage.  It is a far different work than dealing with marriages on the verge of falling apart.  Pre-marital couples are full of optimism and hope.  They cannot see that anything will ever go wrong.  The only foresee “smooth sailing.”  It is not my job to deflate their sails.  My task is to prepare them as best I can for navigating more difficult waters that I know will be coming.

Because of this, I have several “rules of navigation” I try to share.  My hope is not that they will remember what I said, but that they remember someone gave them a bit of advice that helps them heed the warnings and avoid the problems.

save your marriage as #1 fanOne of those rules I try to impart is “Be each other’s #1 Fan!”  If a spouse has a fan club, I suggest that they fight hard to be the president.  Do whatever it takes to be THE #1 fan of that spouse.  My hope is that each will become the #1 fan of the other.  My hope is that no matter how tough or how good things are, each continues to pull and pull for the other person, always rooting them on and supporting.

Fans come in different stripes.  Some are loud and are always cheering.  Others are more quiet, but always there to push them onward.  I am less concerned about how someone is the #1 fan of their spouse, and more concerned that they are — and that their spouse knows it.

Which raises the question:  what does it look like to be the #1 fan?

According to the arbiter of all information on the internet, Google, the word “fanatic” is defined as “A person filled with excessive and single-minded zeal.”  I am not so much worried about excess here.  More about consistency.  Consistently pulling for your spouse and your marriage, with zeal and excitement — that is what I mean as a fan.

Do you only speak well of your spouse and ask others to do the same?  Do you represent your spouse to the world in positive ways?  Do you look for the best in his or her actions?

Here are some traits of fans:

Loyalty.  There are “fair weather fans” that appear when the team is headed for the championships, but disappear when the loses are mounting up.  The same is true with marriages.  There are those that are “in” when things are easy and pleasant, but disappear when things get tough.  Which do you do?  Being your spouse’s #1 fan requires loyalty.

Commitment.  Let’s face it, there is no more committed relationship than marriage.  If you followed the typical Western vows, you promised each other to be there in “good days and bad, rich days and poor, in sickness and health.”  I would say that pretty much covers the potential of the days.  That is a pretty high commitment.  True fans are committed to the team and the efforts of the team.  Are you committed to the team, the WE of a marriage, and the efforts of the team?

Through Thick and Thin.  Whether sports teams or stars, there are going to be rough days.  Fans stick it out, cheering and rooting for their team/star.  When the team makes a bad choice or the star takes a bad direction, a true fan sticks it out, still cheering.  A fan may express disappointment, but always with a hope of better days.

Speak Highly, Even When Feeling Lowly.  Even fans, and maybe especially fans, feel the pain when things are not going well.  But a true fan still speaks highly of their team/star/spouse.  It doesn’t seem to matter if the championship was lost by a mistake, the tabloids show the irrefutable pictures of the star, or a spouse has really made a mistake.  The fan sticks by the side and continues cheering.  Sometimes, it seems that by sheer will of the fans, the team/star/spouse decides to keep on trying.  And that is the thing about a fan:  knowing they are on their side, a team/star/spouse can keep on trying, improving, and winning.

Look Toward Better Days.  Ever sit around and listen to a group of fans of the down-on-their luck team?  They talk about the next season.  They discuss the strategy the team should try.  They look toward greater possibilities than the ones happening right now.

Remember Better Days.  And when they cannot think about what might be, they recall what has been.  Fans recall that glory game, great concert, wonderful role, and other better times from the past.  This reminds the fans that things haven’t always been this rough.  And it reminds them of why they are fans in the first place.

Your turn!  What do you do to be your spouse’s #1 Raving Fan?  Leave me a comment and let me know!