save your marriage – Page 4 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Spotting a Gorilla and Saving YOUR Marriage!

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg February 18, 2013 February 18, 2013

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 18, 2013

Have you taken the basketball challenge? Did you try to count the number of times the ball was passed between people dressed in white and people dressed in black? If you are one of the few that has not seen this story, spoiler alert!

In the experiment (you can see the YouTube video here), you are asked to keep track of the number of times the ball is passed between players with white and black t-shirts. You have to really concentrate and be watching for the passes, then count them carefully!

After it is over, you are asked if you noticed the gorilla that came on-screen. Yep, a guy dressed in a gorilla suit comes into the middle of the players, beats his chest, looks at the camera, and makes his way off. In the middle of the group. In the open!

And yet, over 50% of people do not even notice the gorilla — and even insist it was not there — until proven wrong with a replay.

More recently, a researcher decided to see what would happen if you did the same thing with professionals that are trained to notice small things. The chosen “victims” for this research was radiologists. They are the doctors trained to notice abnormalities in x-rays, MRI’s, CAT scans, etc. — highly trained professionals that know how to notice what should not be there!

The researcher placed a matchbook-sized image of an angry gorilla onto scan slides, sent them to the radiologists and asked them to take a look at the slides for malignancy. Now this is important: he gave them a target for which they should be looking.

In his research, 83% of the radiologists did NOT notice the matchbook-sized image! And they are trained to notice and observe abnormalities.

I am not ragging on the radiologists. For a number of years, I was a chaplain in hospital settings and I came to be amazed at the capacity for a radiologist to look at some amorphous shape and see pathology. I have even had the experience of my CAT scan being viewed and pathology noted. So, I have great respect for these professionals.

Here’s the thing: we all suffer from this same malady. Our mind gives us the subject for which we observe. We often see what we expect to see — and according to this research, do not notice what we do not expect to see. The term is “inattentional blindness.”

It is the reason why texting and driving do not mix. When someone is texting and focused on that, their mind is no longer capable of seeing anything out of the ordinary on the road. So, as long as there is no biker, jogger, dog, child, etc., in front of them, or a car that has suddenly stopped, they get away with doing both. But one day, there is something there and they do not see it.

Back to my point, because as much as I hate seeing people messing with their phones and driving, that is not what this blog is about. How does this apply to your marriage?

Let me tell you a story. Last week, I was speaking with a couple in my office. The woman told me a long story that highlighted how her husband had fallen short on being a good partner. She noted what he had done — his actions. At that point, it could have been a discussion of understanding.

But then, she told me WHY he had done what he did. And it reflected some major character flaws and a very dysfunctional family in which he was raised. In her mind, he was just short of needing some sort of heavy-duty rewiring. I heard, though, several other more benign options that might be more about how the two of them dance around each other.

I suggested a couple of these other options. She rejected them outright. She had long ago made an unconscious decision on what she would focus upon. Early in their relationship, she built theories on why he was the way he is. Then, she set out to observe exactly what she had theorized.

From a scientific research perspective, her mistake was deciding on her theory, then looking for evidence to support it. She rejected any evidence that challenged her beliefs.

Now let me be clear: his actions were not always the best, and did not benefit the relationship at all times. He COULD change his responses and they would be at a much better place. And there really are times when we see someone for who they are. That is true for all of us: sometimes we act in less-than-optimal ways, and sometimes our observations are accurate.

But his actions came in a dance that was also affected by her actions. Each created responses of action in the other. And he also had his mistaken theories about her.

My point is this: once we “decide” to see a certain pattern of behavior in our partner (and again, I do not think this is conscious, just destructive), we fail to see the other ways our partner acts. When we decide that a spouse is unloving, and notice all the actions that prove it, we fail to notice the loving actions.

Inattention blindness tends to make our world much more uni-dimensional than it really is. Our mind is simply attempting to deal with all the information coming at us, and takes a short-cut by trying to simplify things. That is not so much the problem.

The problem is, we think our mind more infallible than it is. As I say that, many will think they have a good grasp of this, and know they may not notice everything. But they will then text while driving or continue to pigeon-hole a spouse.

Just maybe we would all be wise to hold a bit more of a “perhaps I am not entirely right” perspective when assuming why a spouse does what he or she does.

Perception is a huge part of my Save The Marriage System. If you are ready to change your perceptions, I invite you to take a look here.

Does Romance Kill Relationships?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 10, 2013

I don’t know many who would doubt that the institution of marriage is in a crisis. According to statistics, between 42% and 50% of marriages happening right now will end in divorce. Statistics about affairs are a little more shaky. Conservative estimates place the number at about a quarter of people will have an affair by age 52. Less conservative estimates tag the number at 60% of men and 40% of women will have an affair during their lifetime.

Just 80 years ago, only 1 in 6 marriages ended in divorce. Marriages are now over 3 times as likely to fail. So, what is the problem?

I am unwilling to place all the blame on romance, but I do believe there has been a significant shift in the meaning of marriage. We have become an overly-sexualized and –romanticized society.

Don’t get me wrong. There is a place for sexuality and romance, but not the role given today. The existence is not the issue, but the predominance. The cart is, indeed, before the horse.

I spend my days working with couples and reflecting on marriage. What stands out to me is the many times I have heard a phrase like these:

“I just don’t feel the way I should feel.”

“I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you.”

“I’ve lost the spark, and I can’t get it back.”

“I feel like we are just roommates.”

The common thread in all is that something is missing, the romantic feelings, the chemistry of a relationship. And many people assume that once these feelings are gone, there is proof that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

Let me say this one more time, to be clear: I am not against romance. I am not against chemistry. I think these are crucial elements in successful marriages. But to make them the measuring stick of a marriage is extremely dangerous.

Here’s why: the chemistry between a couple — the desire to be romantic, ebbs and flows in the natural rhythm of a relationship. Couples naturally feel more and less intimate at different points in a relationship.

Many people can’t understand why that intense chemistry cannot continue throughout a relationship. They think the flame is dying — the marriage is in trouble. But recent research shows how right we are when we say “madly in love.” The same parts of the brain that are overly stimulated in psychosis are likewise stimulated during the infatuation period of a relationship.

We experience an intense cascade of emotions and chemical reactions that create desire to be close. But when we spend our days thinking about the other person, yearning to be in that person’s arms, scheming of how to show our undying love, then normal life is just about impossible.

The strong feelings of infatuation have to cool to a more manageable level. But because of the strong messages we get from movies, books, magazines, songs, and self-help resources, we believe that our relationships should always be “hot and passionate.” We are either breathless or something’s wrong.

We need a different paradigm. We need to recalculate and make sure what we expect is both sustainable and healthy.

So, here’s the truth: romance and passion naturally emerge from healthy relationships. When couples are loving toward each other, when couples meet each other’s needs, passion is a natural by-product. Romance becomes the desire to show the passion felt toward the other. It is not something to be conjured at certain times. It is not something we do, but something that emerges from within us.

When people believe that the lack of passion means the relationship is fundamentally flawed miss the point that the real issue is establishing intimacy and connection. That is a much more manageable task than trying to rekindle passion. Passion cannot be forced. It is a natural by-product of the relationship that is being tended.

So the real task is to move from the opposite direction. Here are some simple suggestions:

Focus on connection. When we work on being with someone, spending time, learning about him or her, and nurturing a sense of being a team, we kindle intimacy.

Focus on doing loving things. When we do loving things, we create loving feelings. Think of how a relationship naturally develops. We do nice things for someone else, and feel good about it. They reciprocate and feel good. That, in turn, fuels our desire to do even more loving things, and the relationship grows. Here, the importance is in consciously loving. Part of commitment that is involved in marriage is doing loving things, sometimes when you don’t feel the emotion. This is a matter of separating doing loving from the emotion of loving.

Focus on caring for the other person. Often, when we feel that our needs are not getting met, we are quick to turn the focus to self, and we ask “what am I getting out of this.” But that is a problem. When both retreat, asking the question, the answer becomes obvious – nothing. But if you keep moving toward the other, there is a chance to break through. It tends to be a growing back-and-forth of each becoming more giving. But someone has to start it.

Focus on accepting the other person. The things that attracted us sometimes become the things that drive us crazy. But part of what makes things interesting is that that other person is different than you. Revel in that. Find ways of relishing the difference, the idiosyncrasies of the other. Make it your job to not only tolerate, but to truly treasure the differences.

Don’t let romance lead the way! Love and commitment are the true engines. And when those engines are running, the rest will follow.

Secrets To Save Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 18, 2012

As you may suspect, after a quarter century of working with couples, I have some opinions on what it takes to save your marriage. In this article, I want to take a look at some of the research and offer some opinion, from my experience, on what works and what doesn’t.

Let me start by saying there is one major distinction between marriages that are saved and marriages that end: ALL of the marriages that are saved have someone who took action.

Just for clarity and disclaimer information — I am not under the delusion that every marriage can be saved. But I do believe that many more marriages could survive and flourish, if given the chance.

But often, a spouse doesn’t want divorce, but doesn’t know what to do. So, the spouse starts on a process of education. He or she reads, listens, watches, and learns. . . and then does nothing to change the relationship. Knowledge is only power when it is applied.

Then there are those that find lots of information — and some of it is conflicting. So they start in one direction, then read something else and start in another direction, then hear something and head off in another direction. Instead of doing nothing, they do everything!

The person who does nothing is showing the spouse that he or she doesn’t care — even though that is completely untrue. Certainly not a sentiment you would want to portray.

The person who does everything appears inconsistent and manic. Often, this becomes proof to the spouse that things really are bad — and their spouse is erratic. Imagine, for instance, that one piece of advice says to be warm and welcoming. You do that for a couple of weeks. Things don’t change, so you read about trying to make your spouse jealous and make them feel your absence, so you reverse your actions 180 degrees. Don’t you think your spouse will be thoroughly confused?

So let me suggest you find the best advice possible, something that agrees with your gut, and then stick with it, applying it to the best of your abilities!

Which brings me to secret #1: Be consistent in your approach — and be sure the approach is not being passive!

How to Save Your Marriage

It is my advice that you NOT work on making your spouse jealous. I have seen that advice all over the internet. And let me tell you a secret: NONE of that was written by a qualified professional.

It was written to make someone feel better on taking out their anger on a spouse. That part of you that is hurt and angry? In some ways, we want to hear about how the best action is to go have fun, to “teach them a lesson.”

But the lesson it teaches? “I have moved on.” That, I would suggest, is not a winning strategy for showing “I love you and want our marriage to work.”

Which leads me to secret #2: People who save their marriage set aside their momentary feelings for a greater good. Because there are going to be times when your hurt leads you to want to lash out. You will WANT to give up. But if your mind is committed to saving your marriage, don’t let your emotions pull you off-course.

My wife uses the phrase, “consult your plan, not your feelings.” In other words, once you have formulated a plan, then stick with it, even when your feelings are telling you differently.

Watch this video for some more help on this:

Save Your Marriage

Your secret #3? Assume you WILL save your marriage. In other words, instead of always questioning what is possible, just decide you will do exactly that: save your marriage.

I teach SCUBA diving in the local area, and my partner in teaching starts out our first class with one request from participants: PMA. Positive Mental Attitude. In class, we ask the students to stretch themselves. After all, it is not second-nature for us to breathe under water. And some of the exercises requires the student to get beyond the fear. Not to get rid of the fear, but get beyond the fear.

So we ask participants to refuse to play the “I can’t” tapes in their mind, and choose instead to say “I can.” It is incredible to me to watch people talk themselves through an exercise by using that phrase over and over.

It is the same in dealing with a crisis. I get letter after letter from people asking “can I save my marriage?” I only want two changes. First, I want someone to say “I CAN save my marriage.” Then, I want the person to ask “how can I save my marriage?” Suddenly, a shift has happened.

Tips to Save Your Marriage

At this point, you have hopefully made some shifts in your thinking. Now you know it is possible to save your marriage. But you may need some nudges on where to go from here.

Secret #4: Saving a marriage is about a) reconnecting and b) working on yourself. Both are required.

Marriages get into trouble because there is too little connection in the marriage to sustain it. A lack of connection leads to what John Gottman refers to as the 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse.

These “Horsemen” are traits of communication that arise between distressed spouses. Here they are:

1) Criticism – One or both begin to be overly critical and attacking about perceived shortcomings. Forgiveness begins to wane.

2) Contempt – Then arises the sense of contempt that one or both holds for the other. Contempt is marked by only seeing the worst in the other and becoming suspicious about every action from the other.

3) Defensiveness – The contempt is felt and experienced as attack, which leads to a defensive reaction. And when we are defensive, we have a very difficult time seeing our own role in the process

4) Stonewalling – The defensiveness leads to the final marker. When we realize we cannot talk something out, we choose not to interact. We stonewall, refusing to communicate to the other.

Click Here for a video of Gottman discussing this.

To be clear, most marriages have, at some point, elements of these “4 horsemen.” But the more distressed a relationship becomes, the more consistent these patterns become, until the patterns are engrained and automatic.

Which calls for the process of reconnecting. As marriages reconnect, there is less and less of the pattern. And self-improvement allows for one to acknowledge a truth of being human: we all have room to grow and improve. We all have places where we have allowed our more fearful brains to take over and hold us hostage.

Time to reconnect and time to grow!

Ways to Save Your Marriage

Let me provide a little insight on how to start the process with a video I created:

There are a couple of important details. First, notice I do not suggest you sit down and have a “heart-to-heart” with your spouse. It will fail. You will not talk your spouse out of feeling that the marriage is in trouble.

But more than that, when you are talking about the relationship, you are no longer relating. And when you are not relating, you are not connecting. So, give up on that big relationship talk you have been rehearsing in your mind.

Second, don’t panic. Resist begging, demanding, guilting, or any other negative display of emotion. You don’t have to appear cheerful. Being sad is fine, but large expressions of emotion generally only prove the point to your spouse: they need to get away. So resist. Stay calm.

Stop Your Divorce

That, in my mind, is only step one. Stopping the legal process is the beginning point to building a marriage that you treasure — that both of you treasure! When you get to that point, then your marriage is sustainable for the long-term. More than that, it will be nurturing to both of you. And both of you will protect it.

If you are ready to really create a plan, to really get serious about marriage, I invite you to grab my Save The Marriage System. You CAN save your marriage, even if you are the only one wanting to right now!

Anatomy of an Apology

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 24, 2012

Over the weekend, a friend and I got into a little “discussion.” You may see it as an argument. But as modern times would have it, the whole discussion happened by text.

(Yes, professionals do still have disagreements. And yes, sometimes we also make the mistake of texting it!)

The whole argument started innocently enough (they always do!). It was simply a misunderstanding. I thought one thing was decided, and my friend thought another. His family acted on what they thought, while my family acted on what we thought.

We only discovered the distance we had traveled apart when an innocent text came to me. I noted in the reply text about what my family was doing, and it went downhill from there.

I have many bad traits and places of growth. One piece of me, for good or bad, that goes back well into my childhood, is I am stubborn. Very stubborn. “Won’t budge” stubborn.

At times, it serves me well. At other times, not so well. In this situation, I am still trying to decide!

So, as I held my point — and in my thinking, only stating facts as I knew them, my friend grew more frustrated. Later, he made some statements that I found rather hurtful. So, I finally excused myself from the conversation — which led to a couple more barbs thrown my way (at least in my interpretation of the events).

I pointed this out the next day, and got an “apology”. . . that felt very hollow.

Which has left me thinking about apologies. What makes a good apology? What makes a bad apology? What difference does it make?

What difference?

Apologies are the social lubricant of relational recovery. When a relationship is bruised or ruptured, a sincere apology can lead people back into a relationship. Sometimes, even to a stronger relationship.

I find apologies to often be the beginning point of a whole new relationship. It can revive a flagging relationship and preserve a battered relationship.

But a poor apology can do more damage than good. It can serve to reinforce an opinion that the other person does not care, or is not taking responsibility. It can leave the “injured” feeling hollow, sometimes not even sure why.

After all, the other person will say, “I said I am sorry.”

So what makes a bad apology?

To me, this one seems to be subtle but clear.

An apology that is bad either does not apologize for an action or excuses the person.

Take, for example, if I hurt someone’s feelings and say “I am sorry your feelings were hurt.” That is not apologizing for what you might have done to hurt the feelings.

The “sorry” is for the fact the other person feels a certain way, not that the event happened.

If I say, “I am sorry if you heard it that way,” that is a bit closer. It does address that they might have heard it a certain way, but it still puts it onto them. In other words, they need to hear it differently.

Now, just to be clear, these ARE apologies! They are “I am sorry. . . .” But they are only apologies of interpretation. Not apologies for actions.

An apology of “I am sorry I said that, but blah, blah, blah” is the next bad apology. It makes an excuse of why you did what you did. “I am sorry I said that, but you made me mad” makes it the other person’s fault that you reacted in a negative way.

People want to be understood. And people do so by “explaining” why they did what they did.

But over the years, I have discovered that the difference between an explanation and an excuse is whether you are saying it or hearing it.

Explanations will be heard as excuses. Every time. Even if the explanation is true.

An apology that ends with “but blah, blah, blah” will be heard as “I am not apologizing. I am excusing myself.”

So what makes a good apology?

A good apology requires taking responsibility for an action. With no excuse. Just saying “I am sorry that I said _____ / I did ______.”

Isn’t it interesting that the simple approach is often the best?

But notice, you are claiming that you are feeling sorry. If you are not really sorry, then don’t pretend. That will feel hollow.

With a little reflection, you are likely discover that you did not want to do harm to your loved one. That leads to that feeling of remorse that lets you know you really are sorry for your actions. It is no longer about defending interpretation.

Even if, like me, you are stubborn and resist admitting that you may have erred.

I am NOT saying that there are times when an action is misinterpreted. But a misinterpreted word or action tells you there are multiple interpretations.

So, you may actually then add clarification. Not excuse, but clarification.

For example: “I am sorry that I said ____. I know that hurt your feelings, and I feel bad about that. What I really meant was ________.”

It is certainly possible that, at that point, the clarification will not be heard. In fact, you may decide you simply need to apologize. Then wait for another time to be more clear in your thoughts.

NOTE: This does NOT mean you must always apologize! There may be times when what you said or did, even if hurtful, was exactly what you meant to say or do. That is when we often put out the “I am sorry your feelings were hurt”-type of apology.

That may be as far as you are willing to go. But let’s just be clear about that: this is not a deeply felt apology. It is an attempt to move forward without a change in behavior.

So, you want to be sure that is what you TRULY believe. After letting your own feelings/ego/stubbornness die down, if you still believe you have nothing for which to apologize, you may find you need to stand behind your word or action.

I am good with someone choosing that. What I am NOT good with is when folks stumble through an apology, being less-than-clear out of their own need to excuse themselves and their actions. I am NOT good with a weak apology that does nothing to heal the relationship, even though the apologizer does feel remorse.

Apologies are all about ceding ego and admitting to a mistake. They are about taking responsibility for an action or word that caused pain.

Wait. That can be shortened. They are about taking responsibility. No excuse and no manipulation.

Are You Going for 100%?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 15, 2012

I was talking with a client last week. He told me that he had a bad day. And he was frustrated.

And he was more frustrated because he had a bad day. This is a man that, for some time, had only had bad days. No days where he felt good, that he felt his relationship was moving forward.

But now, he was feeling better most days. His relationship was, overall, “trending upward.”

Then he had a bump. A tough day. A day where he did not get where he wanted to. He became frustrated.

It was bad enough that he was having a tough day. But then to add to that, he was constantly chastising himself for having a bad day — leading to a worse day. Which only allowed him to repeat the process.

Sound familiar? It does to me, because I have seen myself do exactly the same thing. How about you?

Do you have some internal expectation that life should be 100% A-OK?

Here is the problem: whether in life or while you are trying to save your marriage, not every day is going to be great. The truth is that the “upward trend” is really a wavy line. There are up moments and down moments.

Days can be tough.

So, what can you do?

1) Take a long-term view. The trending can be upward, when viewed from a distance. So you can look for the overall theme.

2) Don’t allow a tough day to be multiplied by your thoughts. Your mind can take you in very unhealthy directions, if you let it. STOP those thoughts!

3) You can stop those thoughts by first, picturing a stop sign in your mind, even as your mind is going off-path. Second, mentally yell “STOP!” Okay, if you are alone, you can even do it out-loud. But if you are in a crowd, keep it in your mind! 🙂

4) Look for ways to improve what is going on. It is too easy to look for what is wrong and get paralyzed. Instead, look for what is right and move in that direction.

5) Take care of yourself! The lower your resources, the less it takes to have you mentally taking a nose-dive. Build up your resources.

6) And this is the really big one! Practice gratitude. Focus on that for which you are thankful. Focus on the good stuff! This has been proven to actually shift your mind and rewire your brain.

Save The Marriage Rule #9: Two Important Feelings

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 7, 2012

Susan and Michael were sitting at the opposite sides of my couch, about as far apart as the arms of the couch would allow. Each was a mirror of the other, arms and legs crossed tightly, feet bouncing nervously/angrily. Each was looking toward the opposite direction.

It was one chilly moment! I sat for a few moments, hoping one or the other would thaw the situation with a little verbal communication. None was forthcoming.

I asked, “so, what brings you here?”

Silence.

I suggested, “therapy is tough when done in silence.” (Ah, how astute I am!)

Silence.

I noted, “you both made the effort to be here. Perhaps we could use the time in some way that would be helpful?” (50 minutes of silence is a LONG time! Trust me on that.)

Silence.

I was pondering what might actually get us somewhere when Susan said “he doesn’t love me. He never has. I have had enough rejection!”

Anger flashed across Michael’s face, and he responded “Rejected!?! You reject me on a daily basis! Every day, you show me you neither want me around nor need me!”

Susan quickly retorted “I feel the same way!”

I asked, “Michael, is that accurate? Is Susan right that you don’t love her, that you want nothing to do with her?”

He spit back “Of course not! I love Susan with all of my heart, but she is breaking it!”

“Susan,” I asked, “is Michael correct, that you don’t want or need him?”

“No,” said Susan, “but after so many times of being rejected, you finally stop trying! I have learned to get along alone.”

How sad, I thought. Both claim to love the other. And neither feels it from the other.

But they had nailed the symptoms:
1) Feeling unwanted.
2) Feeling unaccepted.

In the next few sessions, I helped Susan and Michael understand how important it is to get a spouse to feel those emotions. Notice, I said “feel.”

If the emotions are there, but not felt, problems still arise.

What I mean is, even if you want your spouse and you accept your spouse, if he or she does not experience that, it is for nothing.

When I say “want,” I mean that in every sense:
“I want you physically.”
“I want you in my life.”
“I want to share my world with you.”

The opposite is to feel either unwanted or needed. When someone feels unwanted, the rejection leads to a process of defensive disconnection. It is simply too painful to feel that level of connection.

To feel needed creates a sense that the other person is needy, and not an equal. It also raises the question of whether someone is wanted or simply needed. That creates an equally yucky (not a clinical term) experience.

As important is the feeling of acceptance. We all have a deep need to be accepted, to have someone love us as we are, in spite of our shortcomings.
“I accept you as you are.”
“I accept you as a growing, changing human being.”
“I accept you are not perfect, and neither am I.”

When someone is trying to get someone else to change, the sense of being accepted quickly vanishes.

Countless times, I have heard comments like:
“If he wasn’t so lazy, maybe he’d have a better job.”
“I am just trying to help my spouse be more stylish.”
“I am only saying that for their own good.”
. . . and many, many other ways of saying “my spouse is not acceptable.”

So, take a few moments and ask:
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel unwanted?”
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel needed?”
“What do I do that might make my spouse feel unaccepted?”

Work on changing those behaviors.

But then go to the next step. Commit to making sure that your spouse feels wanted and accepted.

Then refuse to get sucked in to responding in kind, when you feel unwanted/needed or unaccepted. Don’t decide to match how you perceive your spouse is acting. Instead, act the way you know you should.

Oh, Michael and Susan? They quickly discovered that both deeply loved the other. Once they could talk about how they wanted each other, and showed acceptance, they discovered a depth of marriage they had never had before!

Powerful emotions, when we feel wanted and accepted. Do that for your spouse!

Ready to get out of the viscious cycle? CLICK HERE to discover how to transform your marriage!

Save Your Marriage Rule #7: Avoid Power Struggles

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 25, 2012

When I was a boy, I went off to summer camp in the mountains of Virginia. My Mom would tell you I was not ready for summer camp and didn’t like it.

She would be, for the most part, correct. Her reason would vary from mine, though.

My reason: mid-week, in the middle of the night, one of my counselors is yelling to the other counselor who was sleeping in his tent with his boombox (yes, that long ago) turned up. Finally, we boys ran out to check and see what was up, only to be told to freeze in our tracks.

Turns out the one counselor found himself trapped on the trail by a rattlesnake. The snake wouldn’t move and the counselor couldn’t go a different way (did I tell you the camp was, well, rustic?).

We went to the tent and got the other counselor, and then were sent back to our tents to “sleep.” We all had heard the rattling. And we all knew that rattler had friends. They had to be out there, somewhere!

In the morning, after we hiked down for breakfast, we got to go to the ranger station to visit our new “friend.” In retrospect, he was probably 3 or 4 feet long, but I would have sworn him to be 10 feet long back then.

The rattler was not happy to be captive in a chicken-wire cage. But we all enjoyed his ill-fortune. I would step toward him, and watch him go from watchful to threatening. His rattle would pop up. The closer you got, the louder the sound. Step away, he calmed down.

Step closer, he got riled up.

Step away, he calmed down.

What fun for a 12 year old!

And step very close, the snake would strike at you, hitting his nose on the chicken wire. That nose was raw in no time.

In retrospect, I feel kinda sorry for the snake. But back then, it was just good fun to rile him up.

And now I realize that the snake wasn’t even really angry. Snakes are not capable of that emotion. Threatened is what he felt.

Step close, threat was real. Step away, threat was gone.

How, you might ask, does this possibly relate to marriage?

That same piece of brain that the snake has that reacts to threat, I have it in my head too. And so do you.

Our brain is designed to alert us to danger. Not just alert us, bu put our body on alert, ready for attack.

That piece of the brain is the deepest part of our brain, poetically named the “reptillian brain” or “r-complex.”

The reptillian brain is really only designed to keep us alive. It is not social, does not care about collateral damage, and is set with a hair-pin trigger.

It takes nothing to set it off, and then takes its time calming down. Think of the last time you were startled. You feel the hit of adrenaline, and may still feel it 20 minutes later — even though the event that caused the reaction may have only been a few seconds (or less) in duration.

You have that piece in your head, and so does your spouse. And that is where the trouble begin. Two lizards, looking at each other, waiting for some possibility of a threat.

Head tilt, hands on hips, tone in voice, word choice. It takes very little to get that part of th brain to put our systems on alert. And when our systems go on alert, we get caught in the fight/flight/freeze response that you have probably heard of.

Problem is, there may not be a threat. It may mean nothing. Yet we respond as if it is.

Which brings us to power struggles. We struggle for power so that we do not lose power.

I cannot tell you how many people have reported that they have no power, that the other person is in control — and I hear it from both, simultaneously. Someone has to be in control, right?

But we are talking about perception, not reality.

Both perceive they are losing power and act to get it back. And that starts off the power struggle.

You have been there, so I don’t really need to identify for you the places you and your spouse get caught in the struggle. I will let you identify that for yourself.

But what do you do?

First, accept that part of you is in there. Accept that there is that piece of your brain that is caught by the sense of threat. Understand it is perception and not reality.

Second, affirm that you want to live as a WE, as a team. You want to be connected.

Third, seek to always understand where your spouse is coming from (and don’t listen to the lizard that whispers “why doesn’t my spouse have to understand me?” Lizards pretend to be about fairness. But really, they want to win!). In the midst of talking, ask “can you help me understand how you see it that way?” Ask politely. Don’t make it a sarcastic statement. Be sincere.

Fourth, recognize that a power struggle will not get either of you any closer to your goals. So decide to work together. Decide to join together to make it through life in better ways than either of you could do alone.

Fifth, be sympathetic that your spouse may still want to struggle. We are raised on that! It can take a while for the brain to re-wire away from it. Give it time. Be patient with your spouse, and with yourself!

Finally, power struggles are symptoms that point to places where you are still playig “you/me,” and not “WE.” Use it to identify the areas where you can grow and develop the relationship.

If you are ready to stop the power struggles, grab the Save The Marriage System by CLICKING HERE.

Rule #4: Use Civility — Even When You Don’t Feel It!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 4, 2012

I remember years ago hearing a Native American quote that we are all born with claws and fangs, but learn to use them as nails and teeth.

Unfortunately, it takes very little for the fangs and claws to reemerge, especially when there is a bit of tension (or a lot!).

When we feel threatened, we find some pretty primitive responses suddenly rush through us. Fear gets us there. It creates a very primitive response of fight-or-flight.

And when what is considered to be the most important relationship in our life feels threatened, that response erupts.

When there is disconnection in a relationship, and the conflict becomes entrenched, more and more your spouse becomes an intimate enemy.

We begin to respond in ways that don’t make sense to us in calmer moments.

In the midst of a fight, do you hear that voice watching yourself and thinking “why am I acting this way”? That is the more civilized part of your brain being surprised by that ancient brain.

Oh, sure, we can justify and excuse ourselves, thinking “how else can I respond, given how my spouse is acting?”

But we know better. We know we are acting beneath our higher selves. We find ourselves acting in immature, irrational, uncharacteristic ways.

Civility

A major step in saving your marriage is choosing to act civilly. Acting otherwise keeps the cycle going.

So what does civility mean here?

Kindness, respect, positive regard. Not reacting with criticism, sarcasm, raised voices, veiled threats (or open threats), mocking tones, or demands.

Let me pause a moment and say, this is not about choking down your anger, not talking about problems, or avoiding conflict.

It is simply being kind and decent when you are working on tough things. And it means being warm and engaging when you are in daily interactions.

Really, it is starting (or restarting) your relating with the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Notice it is not “Do unto others as they do to you.” It is about treating another person in ways we want to be treated.

I am not starting with such goals as being cuddly and loving. Instad, let’s draw a baseline at a much simpler spot. It is just about treating the other person (your spouse) with respect.

Did a voice just pop up and say “respect? I don’t respect him/her.”?

Let me just theorize that there is such a thing as unconditional respect. This is a layer of respect that is showing respect by actions. It is not tied to feeling respect. Perhaps your spouse has done something that disrupts your feeling of respect (maybe even trampling it).

That is not what I am addressing here. I am suggesting that we all have that choice on how we are going to act toward someone; how we will treat him or her.

Let’s make a choice, a decision, that going forward, we will treat our spouse with civility and respect.

It makes the other rules have far more traction!

Rule #2: Never Try to Convince, Beg or Plead

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 22, 2012

You find yourself in a marriage crisis. Perhaps your spouse just told you about how unhappy, dissatisfied, disappointed, frustrated, or angry he or she is. Perhaps your spouse talked about separation or divorce

Your first reaction is likely shock. You feel that gut-wrenching grab in your stomach, the cold sweat of fear gripping you. The floor can seem to fall out from under you.

If you are like most people, your initial response is to try to convince your spouse that he/she is wrong. You beg and plead for an opportunity to change. For an opportunity to do something different.

You are hoping that your spouse’s mind can be changed.

Reality check: the reaction of convincing, begging, and pleading sets the stage for an even deeper crisis. In other words, your initial response may do more to push the marriage into crisis than your spouse was even feeling!

But that doesn’t mean that the marriage has no chance. Or that there is nothing you can do. Only that your initial reaction may cause more problems.

You want to be opening possibilities, not deepening the crisis and closing doors, right?

So let’s just admit that those reactions are based in fear. Fear is primitive, and not the best point of reaction.

There are several reasons why this can be counterproductive.

First, you will likely end up reenforcing the beliefs your spouse already has. The reactions of begging and pleading only make you look needy and unreasonable. If your spouse has any feeling that he/she is not getting his/her needs met, this reaction will create an immediate thought of “see, this is just what I am talking about.”

Second, if your spouse feels unheard, misunderstood, or ignored, then as you are trying to “convince” him/her, all that will be felt is you being more dismissive of his or her feelings. You may think you are speaking logically, but it will be heard as you being dismissive.

Third, there is a psychological term that you need to understand: “psychological reactance.” This term refers to the fact that all of us, when we feel pushed, pulled, cajoled, etc., will tend to do the exact opposite, even if we agree with direction to which we are being pushed or pulled.

If someone throws us a rope and pulls, we will pull back. We truly are “stubborn as a mule!”

So, don’t give more to push against.

Okay, so we have established that the begging, pleading, and convincing will not convince, but will only firm the beliefs you really want to change.

So how do you respond?

First, let’s talk about some “don’ts.”

DO NOT try to use “reverse psychology.” This is the type of communication that many resources on the internet suggest.

Reverse Psychology may work on your 5 year old: “don’t you dare drink that milk! You do NOT want to get strong!” But it will NOT work on an adult.

It may surprise your spouse, and just for a moment, confuse them. But then they will be onto you. And you will lose even more credibility.

By the time your spouse tells you there is a problem, he or she has been thinking about it for awhile. The various scenarios have been painted. It may be news to you, but it is not to your spouse.

Whatever reverse psychology you might use, it will do one of 2 things:

lead your spouse to think you agree (when you do not),
lead your spouse to think you are not taking it seriously (when you do).

So, no reverse psychology!

Also, don’t get caught up in believing you need to fix everything in one conversation, either right after your spouse “drops the bomb” or any other time. Marriages are not saved or destroyed in a single conversation.

We all are great script writers. We are worthy of Oscars. The only problem is, we are all writing the scripts, but no one else is following OUR script! They are following (or trying to follow) the one in their own head.

While you are rehearsing that conversation and how it will go, realize it won’t go that way, so don’t place all your hopes on that one convincing, transforming conversation.

Don’t try to initiate a big relationship talk. This is not the time to delve into your issues, hashing them out, and hoping for resolution. Remember: psychological reactance. Also remember that the more we talk about our beliefs, the more deeply we believe them.

The more your spouse repeats his/her feelings of unhappiness and belief that the marriage is doomed, the more deeply he/she will come to believe it.

Don’t dodge your spouse’s relationship conversations. Just don’t initiate them or perpetuate them. Listen. Don’t correct. Listen. Don’t argue. Listen. Actively listen. Ask questions, clarify to make sure your spouse feels heard and that you understand (not agree, just understand what he/she is saying).

If you can’t beg and plead, and you can’t pretend to agree, what can you do?

Gather your courage. And remind yourself that courage is not the absence of fear, but acting in spite of fear.

Thank your spouse for being honest and sharing.

Be very clear that it probably took a great deal of energy for your spouse to even speak. This is true, even if you do not agree with what your spouse said. It still took energy. It was a risk. Honor that, even if you don’t like what was said.

For example, “Wow! That must have been hard to say! That is hard to hear, but I am sure it was harder to say.”

Accept that what he or she said is what he or she feels (at least right now).

For example, “I think I understand how you are feeling. Is this right? (then repeat what you think you heard)”

It is important to check to make sure you understood. I have heard from many people that assume they are headed for divorce, when in reality, the spouse just needed the relationship to change.

You can also verbalize that you are a bit surprised (if you are), and that you do not feel the same way, but certainly understand that is how he/she feels.

Also, you can state how sad you are that there is so much disconnection that you were unaware (if you were unaware). If you were aware of the disconnect, you can say it: “I have been feeling disconnected, too. I am so sad we are at this place.”

Be careful. This is not the time to problem-solve. No suggestions of how to fix the problem. At this point, you want to hear your spouse, let him/her know you listened, that you know it was hard to say, and a statement of your own sadness.

There is time for rebuilding in the days to come.

Ready to get started rebuilding? CLICK HERE to grab the Save The Marriage System.

Rule #1: The Goal of Marriage is to Build a WE

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

May 20, 2012

Do you want to know the one, biggest, simplest, and most difficult secret of marriage? It is right in front of you, but you may miss just how important this one is.

In fact, this is the one piece of information I try to get into every person I see BEFORE they get married. And it is my central goal of working on marriages.

Miss this one, and you will always be caught in malnourished and hobbled relationship.

Ready? Marriage is about building a WE. It is about becoming a solid team, always having each other’s back, and always in each other’s corner.

WE. Get there, and you will have a successful marriage. Notice, I did not say you would have a trouble-free marriage. Only that you would have a successful marriage.

Every single marriage in the world has challenges and difficult times. The question is really about how you approach the difficulties, not whether you have them.

Being a WE is what gets you through the difficulties.

First, let’s talk about what this does NOT mean. This is not being in a permanent “mind-meld” with the other person — liking the same things, wanting the same things, thinking the same things, completing each other’s sentences, blah, blah, blah.

Second, it is not giving up yourself for the other person, or the other person giving him- or herself up for you.

It is about two people deciding — committing — to being a team, a unit, a new entity. It is about each supporting the other, but also looking out for what is best for BOTH, for “the whole.”

How close to that are you today?

Do you find yourselves in power struggles?
Do you argue about money, sex, parenting, and other central issues?
Do those arguments often end with little-to-no movement?
Do you feel like you are in a stalemate?
Do you both constantly keep saying (silently or out loud) “What about me?”
Do you feel like you are headed in different directions?
Do you feel the need to disagree or argue your point, even when you mostly or completely agree?

The more you answered “yes” to the above the more you can be sure you have not “made the leap” to being a WE.

Or perhaps you can answer this one question:

Do I feel more alone than I want to in this relationship?

If that is “yes,” then you know that you are not quite there.
But that doesn’t mean it is your fault! Quite the opposite. Unfortunately, our culture does a very bad job in preparing people for marriage.

In other words, nobody told you the goal of marriage was to build a WE, and if they did, they probably didn’t tell you

a) how to do it, and
b) how subtle it can be.

Some couples actually make it there, almost by accident. Others seem to struggle against it, refusing to see the obvious need to get there.

So, let me make a blanket statement: I have never, in well over 20 years of working with couples, seen a couple who made it to WE end in divorce. But I have seen, repeatedly, when a couple does not get there, the relationship at least deteriorates over time, often ending.

There are several reasons why people don’t make it to WE. Quickly, let’s look at why people don’t get there.

Lack of understanding that this is the goal.
This is where our culture has failed us. We have done a poor job, as a society, of letting peope know this is even what marriage is about. Thus nearly 50% of marriages end.

Fear of a loss of individuality.
While this is not what happens, since there is so poor of an understanding, people fear this. Again, this is merely a misunderstanding of what it means to be a WE.

Caught in a Fear/Anger cycle.
So, if you don’t know this is the goal, and you get caught in the ensuing power struggles, over time, the anger builds. And anger is really a secondary response to fear. The fear is that you will not get what you need, which triggers a very primitive response, which only leads to more power struggle, more fear, more anger.

Perceptions and Misperceptions of each other.
And once you have slipped into the power struggle, and the anger/fear cycle, you begin to justify the situation. We all misperceive the other person. We begin to only see the shortcomings, the lack of investment, etc. At that point, the perception is that the other person is not on your side.

Which raises the question, “How do you get there? How do you become a WE?”

Let me assure you it is possible, and it is even possible if one of you is resistant to getting there.

And let me assure you that we humans are actually designed for this. We are wired to be in relationship, to create that level of relating.

So, what we really have to do is get ourselves out of our own way and let what should happen actually happen — become a WE!

I tackle this in detail in my Save The Marriage System (learn more by CLICKING HERE), but let’s talk a little about how to get there.

Starting Points:

Do not try to address WE with your spouse.
Work on YOUR concept of WE.
Until you understand WE as a concept, you cannot expect your spouse to accept it.

Specific Steps To Being a WE:

Step 1

Make a careful examination of the places that you think “you/me” instead of WE.
Remind yourself that you are part of a WE.
Ask yourself this, “Where do I need to let my spouse in MY world?”

Step 2

Train yourself to think in terms of “we” and “us,” not “you” or “me.”
Whenever there is a decision, ask the magic question: What is best for US?
This is a “magic question” because the answer is more creative than “what is best for me” or “what is best for you.”
It forces you to move to WE.

Step 3

Accept YOUR FULL RESPONSIBILITY to be a WE, regardless of your spouse’s outlook or actions.
Refuse to be lured into an “if you don’t, I won’t” approach.
Invite your spouse into WE by your actions, not your expectations.

Now, time to get started! Go work on creating the WE you need in order for your marriage to survive and thrive!