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Posts Tagged :

spouse doesn’t love me

“Can You Fall In Love Again?” – Listener Question
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Can You Fall Back In Love?As often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE).  The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question.

In this episode, I answer Patrick.  His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and only feel “friends”-type care, that maybe nothing can be done.  Maybe, Patrick wonders, it isn’t possible to get back to love, to return to prior feelings.

Can feelings change?  Of course.  They already did.  Which is why you are in a crisis.  At one time, you felt the love. That has shifted, and it can shift again.  Our feelings and levels of connection are always fluctuating and shifting.

So, yes feelings of love CAN come back.  But why did they leave?  And what can you do to help them return?

I cover those questions… homing in on Patrick’s enquiry for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

RELATED RESOURCES
Connection Is Lifeblood
Healing Disconnection
Pause Button Marriage
Save The Marriage System

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Why “Space” Is Hard
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Why Emotional Space is SO Hard, including physical separation. Fear of intimacy versus fear of abandonment.So many marital crises start with this phrase, “I’m not happy.”  In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.

The next step is often, “I need space.”  But that is even scarier!  And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse.

Maybe an in-house separation.  Maybe a full separation.  Emotional separation becomes physical separation.

All from a spouse stating an emotional state of concern:  “I’m not happy.”

One part of dealing with a marital crisis is dealing with “emotional space.”  It is crucial to understand emotional space.

Today, I want to discuss why that emotional space is so difficult to manage.  Why do people get sucked into taking actions that cause more issues?  Why do people find it so hard to give a spouse that requested “space”?

We discuss why “space” is so hard on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Where is the Gap?
Fears and Marriage
Boundaries in Marriage
How To Show Up
Save The Marriage System

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Love Is What You Do: Immutable Law of Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Love is what you DO.“I just don’t feel it anymore,” she told me.

So I asked, “What are you not feeling?”

“Love.”  She told me she no longer loved her husband.

I asked, “What are you doing to be loving?”

She looked up, a bit surprised.  “What?  I just told you, I don’t love him.”

I challenged her, “I heard you say you don’t FEEL love, but I didn’t ask that.  I asked what you were DOING to be loving.”

She admitted she was doing nothing.  Because she didn’t feel anything.

I think she had the equation wrong.  She wasn’t feeling any love because she had stopped being loving.  To be fair, they both had stopped being loving.  No surprise that the feelings pretty much evaporated at that point.

Here’s the problem:  Love is a complicated word.  It has many meanings and many shades.  But when a marriage is in trouble, almost always, the default definition is the feeling of being in love.  Then, that is used as the yardstick of the relationship.

Unfortunately, those feelings are a result of acting lovingly.  But people keep waiting for the feeling to be there, so they would feel like acting.

Listen below on why this is the wrong move, wrong direction.  And how to change it.

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress

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