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stop the divorce

Video: How Can We Protect Our Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Marriages get into trouble when they are not protected.  And marriages that are recovering must protect the marriage, so that it can keep growing.  Marriages that are doing well STILL need to protect their relationship, in order to prevent problems.

This video can help you protect your marriage from problems, and help recover from problems, by helping you learn how to protect your relationship.

Is Marriage An Outdated Idea?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Over the past few years, I have begun to notice a trend in articles questioning the long-term survival of marriage.  Some have called it a dinosaur with no place in today’s society.  Others just note it is an outdated idea.  The real question is whether marriage has any role in society.

The largest evidence used is the divorce rate.  We quickly spout off the divorce rate as 50%, but we are noticing the actual rate is in the 40%’s.  So, while not 1/2, way to many people are unable to save their marriage and end in divorce.

Interestingly, statistics show that most people average between 4 and 10 jobs in their adult life, many ended in firings, yet I don’t hear cries for ending work, calling it an outdated idea (as much as many would like to!).

Why does marriage get a bad rap?  Perhaps the real issue is our way of preparing people for marriage is not just outdated, but non-existent.  People have a very low RQ (relationship Quotient).  They don’t even understand what creates a successful marriage.  So when a marriage cannot be saved, when a divorce cannot be stopped, do we blame the couple or think that perhaps society has failed them?

But the idea that marriage is outdated misses one central and unavoidable need of humans:  a constant and consistent connection with someone.  Isn’t that really what we are all seeking when we fall in love?  Someone to spend our lives with, to lean on (and be leaned on), to live in mutual support?

We have that need hard-wired into us.  A great deal of research on attachment theory has proven that if this need is not met, we actually suffer physically, psychologically, and emotionally.  In other words, we are wired for intimate relationship.  We are wired, in other words, for marriage.

The real problem is not with an outdated idea, but with a lack of education and understanding on how to sustain and grow a marriage.

It is much easier to learn how to build a marriage than struggle to figure out how to save your marriage.  People could stop a divorce by knowing how to build a marriage.   That really is the issue, isn’t it?

What do you think?

‘Tis The Season. . . For Divorce Attorneys!
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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The Holidays are upon us — mostly regardless of your heritage, beliefs, or nationality! It seems that this month converges everyone in some holiday. And just around the corner is the new year!

Why would I start with that in a blog on marriage? Because it is not JUST the season of holidays. It is the season of a building storm! You see, in the United States between Thanksgiving and New Years, activities begin to grind to a halt. “Normal” life is put on hold, and people “hunker down” to make it through — especially if there are problems!

Who wants to stir up troubles during this time of the year? Most people who see a problem decide to put it off.

Unfortunately, many spouses assume that since someone is not talking about the problem, there is no problem.

But here is the truth: come the first week of January, there will be one happy group of people — divorce attorneys! People will fill their offices in the first week of January. In fact, there is a spike in divorce filings throughout January.

It happens for a couple of reasons. First, there is a buildup of people who have put it off over the holidays. Second, the first of the year marks new beginnings. People with problems decide to take action.

My hope is you don’t fatten the pockets of the divorce business. If there were problems before the holidays, they are still there! Take these next few weeks to begin building a framework of healing. But don’t wait until January to get started! The attorneys are waiting!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .
Overwhelmed by Conflicting Advice???
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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I just received a letter from someone with a great deal at stake: her marriage! Is that a similar situation for you?

Her question was this: she had acted on some advice in other sources, and now she wanted me to help her “mop up the mess!” And what a mess it was. She got the advice from several big “marriage saving” websites. Only problem was, it had made matters worse — MUCH worse!

First, she had gotten some advice to use reverse psychology. Her husband asked for a divorce, so instead of working to shift that, she gave him what he said he wanted. Reverse psychology is to state or suggest the opposite of what you want, assuming the other person will go in the direction you really want.

Imagine saying to a child, “eat your veggies.” That is direct, and the child may refuse. That could lead to a stand-off. Reverse psychology would be: “Susie, no matter what, don’t eat any of those veggies. Don’t even taste them!” Turn your back, and little Susie is scarfing down those veggies!

This may work, at least a couple of times, with a child. It rarely works on adults. More than that, what happened in the particular case I mentioned? She ended up divorced! Tought to save a marriage when you are handing over a divorce!

Strangely, there started to be some conversation and contact as the divorce process went through. So this woman got some more “advice” from the internet. This was supposed to work magic on bringing someone back. In it, you make the other person jealous, make them miss you. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” you might say.

So, the person writing me said she told her husband that there would be no contact for 30 days. This was bewildering to him. But instead of “driving him wild” to be back with her, he decided that she really didn’t want anything to do with him. With that, he began to date others.

With two pieces of careless advice, my client granted a divorce and stopped all contact — ALL IN THE NAME OF SAVING A MARRIAGE!

The moral of this story: never, ever, ever resort to manipulation or trying to make a spouse jealous as a route to marital bliss. Manipulation backfires. In the end, both methods were manipulation. So, if you look at a piece of information and think “that really doesn’t sound right to me” or “that is really not my morals,” don’t choke it down and say “but I guess I’ll try it anyway!” Hold onto your commonsense, even in the midst of a crisis!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling relationship ebook, Save The Marriage. It is available at http://www.savethemarriage.com .