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“But What If I CAN’T Save It?”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

"What If I can't save my marriage?"Two phone calls the same day.  Both with the same question:  “What if I CAN’T save my marriage?”  One had been working at it for awhile.  The other hadn’t started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).

It’s a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process.  Each has a different meaning.  All share a fear.

That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you.

This week, I want to take on the question, “What if I can’t save it?”, because not every marriage can be saved.  (But NONE are saved without action.)

Don’t let the question trip you up.  Understand what’s behind it.  And listen to my answer to the question.

Listen below.

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Out of Nowhere?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.”  In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week.

What happened?  How could the marriage fall about, seemingly out of nowhere?

The simple answer is, it didn’t.

Marriage crises do not come out of nowhere, and are far less sudden than you might think.

As one divorce attorney put it, marriages “fall apart little by little, then all at once.”

The hurts, pains, disconnections, lost opportunities, and slights build up over time.  And suddenly, they hit a threshold.  I call it the Threshold Problem.  You didn’t see the threshold coming, until it hits.  Until the marriage runs out of gas.  Then, you have a hard time seeing how you got to the threshold.  So it looks like it was out of the blue, out of nowhere.

But it wasn’t.  It didn’t happen overnight.  And saving it won’t happen overnight.  That is possible, slowly at first, as long as you move with intention in that direction.

Learn more about why a marriage crisis is not “out of nowhere” in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

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Focused On The Wrong Things?
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Are you focused on the right or wrong things in your efforts to save your marriage?  Most people focus on the wrong things — and stay stuck.  Focus on the 3 things I note in this podcast in order to save your marriage.At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis.  Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.

And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.

Where we focus is what gets our attention.  Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.

That can head you right toward disaster and further discord.  And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage.

“Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction.”
Kenichi Ohmae

There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst.  And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention.

Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis.

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“Why Should I Try? Don’t Tell Me What To Do!”
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

"You can't tell me what to do!"  Correct.  But IF you want to work on your marriage, I can show you how.  Up to you.Jared was a bit more pointed in his question.  But to be fair, I HAVE been asking for people to submit questions.  And he did.

He told me straight up, “You tell me to connect with my spouse.  Well, I’ve been trying to do that.  If I’ve been trying and it isn’t working, what are you gonna teach me that will make a difference?”

Fair question.

So I responded to it in this episode of the podcast.

Jared continues on about my “Easy” approach to saving a marriage.  So, just to clarify here and in my podcast, I never said “Easy.”  I did say “Simple.”  Many things are simple, but not easy.  Never confuse the two.  My attempt is to simplify the process, so that you do not get overwhelmed.  This is not some “self-working, no effort necessary” approach.  Anyone who claims to have that is simply lying.

On the other hand, I think I can clarify and simplify the process, so that you know exactly what to do.

But I tell you why in the podcast.

And no, Jared, you don not “have” to do anything.  But if you want to do something to work on your marriage, I am here to help.  So, let’s talk.  First, listen to the episode below for my response to your question.

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Why I Work To Save Marriages
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

On a daily basis, I get emails that are, well, less than polite. Most demand I give them my product for free, some doubt my sincerity. A few accuse my of being a con. As my wife noted years ago, “you have to have tougher skin than I to do this.” And in the years on the internet, I have developed some toughness. Still, at some point, anyone gets tired of emails. I do recognize that people write emails in ways they would never write or communicate otherwise. I take that into account. However, I decided I would be clear about this.

My name is Lee Baucom, and I am here to save marriages. That is it. I am not trying to become a millionaire off of other people’s pain. In fact, I live in the same house we have lived in for 10 years. I get up every day and go to work.

So, for anyone thinking that I am some “internet millionaire,” sitting on a beach and sipping cool drinks, please tell that to my bank account!

Some have accused me of being an opportunist. That certainly misses the fact that after 4 years of college, I attended almost 9 years of graduate school, along with 6 years of clinical training. My training was all about marriage and family therapy. This is a field I have worked in for almost 20 years.

Why, then, do I do this? Because I believe in marriage. I believe that marriages are the stability of society, the backbone of successful families. Whenever I hear people saying that divorce is not harmful to children, I know they are quoting research. But they fail to note that much of that research has been reexamined and found flawed and incorrect.

How can children not be affected when someone takes everything they have known about love and security, and torn it in half? And since I get to spend my days with people in pain, I hear about that pain on a daily basis.

Long ago, I decided we can either work to heal the deep wounds, or we can be preventative. And fixing marriages, saving a marriage, is preventative. Save a marriage, save a family.

However, I have never believed that you simply stay married to stay married. You stay married and build a marriage that is life-giving, loving, and supportive. It is not enough just to prevent a divorce, which is why I don’t call my program Stop The Divorce. I am out to save a marriage, make it something worth treasuring.

So why don’t I give away my information for free (actually, I do, with a free marriage ecourse)? Because generally speaking, you get what you pay for. And because there are many, many costs to provide this service (Google sends me a present every Christmas for all the money I pay them for advertising!).

The same people who accuse me of not giving away the information no doubt pay for a doctor’s services, an attorney’s services, maybe even an accountant’s services. That is the way our society works.

I am also aware the the cost of my information is far less than even a decent meal out, probably less than 1/2 the cost of most people’s cell phone bills, equal to maybe 10 drinks at Starbucks, a couple of six-packs of beer, far less than a month of cable — all to save a marriage! Really, I have begun to see it about 99% of the time being about priorities.

So I can promise you this: I am not getting rich off this. I do this because I believe in marriages. I am here to help people save their marriages. Care to join me?

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

The Rumor: I Am Who I Say I Am!
150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

OK, today I decided to make a personal response. I have read in several forums that there is a belief that I am the same person as several other ebook authors. In other words, there is a belief that I am a pseudonym.

Believe me when I tell you, I am not. I am Lee Baucom. That is the name my parents gave me, and I have never written anything on marriage under any other name.

Today, I read two posts, believing I was the same person as TW Jackson. That is the “author” of The Magic of Making Up, and the true author is Travis Sego, an internet marketer. So, some folks are correct in assuming there is a pseudonym in play. Trouble is, it ain’t me!

Let me show you a picture of me and my family.

What this points to is how cynical we all have become by what is on the internet. We have begun to doubt that anyone is who they say they are. I see it everyday, when you can make yourself into whatever image you wish online. Generally speaking, people can hide behind a facade.

I have worked hard to be transparent. I have a phone number on my website (502-802-4823, so call and see if it is not MY voicemail), and an address (4949 Brownsboro Rd., Suite 147, Louisville, KY 40222 — feel free to write). I can’t promise I can answer every phone call in person, or respond to every email or regular mail. But I can promise, I am Lee Baucom, and that is the only person I have ever been.

Just wanted to clear that up! Thanks for reading.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

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