why can’t i save my marriage – Page 3 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Feeling Like Quitting?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg February 1, 2017 January 23, 2017

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 1, 2017

Feeling like quitting is not the same as making a decision to quit. One is an emotional response to the struggle. The other is a rational decision. Unless, of course, you confuse the two.

It is true in all of life. We can feel like quitting a job, quitting an exercise session, quitting a hobbie, quitting parenting. . . well, that might be tough! But you get my meaning. You can feel like quitting. That doesn’t mean you quit.

When you choose to quit, it is just that — a deliberate decision, made for the right reason. In fact, I think one of the reasons we have such a marriage crisis in society is because too many people confuse the feeling of wanting to quit with the need to take action, to quit.

On a long trail race, I think I felt like quitting from mile 10 to mile 25.5. The last mile, I was good. But up until then, that was the running dialogue, “I could quit. I could stop right now. I could just quit. I could walk away.” Granted, I was in the middle of nowhere, and it would have been a long hike just to quit. But I could have. Had I chosen to (versus thinking about it, but taking no action — other than continuing to put one foot in front of the other).

In this week’s podcast, I cover the difference between feeling like quitting and choosing to quit (including some advice on what to do if you choose to quit).

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…Yet

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 25, 2017

Yet The phone rings. I answer. The person on the other end blurts, “I CAN’T SAVE MY MARRIAGE!” And as calmly as possible, I add “Yet.”

Uh?

“I can’t save my marriage YET.”

Uh?

Many times, people contact me to tell me their marriage can’t be saved. But I am not quite so sure. It IS possible the person is right. Not every marriage can be saved. Before deciding that, though, I want to know more.

Is the person at a “failpoint?”

Does the person have the tools and knowledge needed?

Has the person actually taken action?

Has the action been useful and consistent?

This week, I will tell you why “Yet” is one of my favorite words. It is powerful. If you know why.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Failpoints
You Need A Plan
You Are Stalled
Save The Marriage System

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Why You and Your Plan Are Stalled

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

December 14, 2016

Are your efforts to save your marriage getting stalled? Maybe we should take a look at your plan.

You do have a plan, don’t you?

Let’s talk about 5 reasons your plan (or lack of plan) may be the trouble — and what we can do to make a switch.

To be crystal clear, all 5 reasons are in your control. YOU can choose how you move forward in each of these issues. You may not have control over your spouse’s reaction, but you do have choices in your planning and execution of your plan.

Check out these related trainings:
Points of Failure
Your Reasons Why

And check out these resources:
How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps book
The Save The Marriage System

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How Your Marriage Got Out of Shape

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

November 2, 2016

How did it happen? Your marriage, how did it get into trouble? Probably not overnight. Sure, you can point to a crisis — a fight, an “I’m not happy” talk, an affair discovered, divorce papers served. But that crisis didn’t just pop up.

Your marriage probably got out of shape over time.

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3 Reasons Your Efforts Might Fail

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 29, 2016

Over and over, people tell me about their “unique” situation, doubting that my System would do anything for their marriage problem. Deep down inside, we all believe we are “special,” unique, and beyond the information that is out there.

My belief is that there are some commonalities to why marriages work. A marriage in trouble does need to do some repair work. But even that process is doing what works — following the “laws” of a marriage.

But over and over, I watch people hit the same spot in their efforts. . . and fail. I call these the Points of Failure. There is a Primary Fail Point, which I won’t cover in this podcast. It is big enough that it needed an extensive training that I provide for VIP members.

Another 3, though, are critical to know and avoid. They are:

Not being accountable/taking responsibility (this has NOTHING to do with blame or fault),
Not having a plan/not preparing,
Not following a system or approach.

These are such important points, and so easily missed.

Listen to this week’s podcast, so you understand the Fail Points, and know how to avoid them.

Important Resources:
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (if you already have the System)
Follow me on Instagram for inspiration

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Are You Owning It?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 22, 2016

This post may be a bit. . . confrontational. But let me be clear that change requires a change. Something must shift. A new perspective must develop. And personal growth is part of that.

Here’s why I think this topic today is so important: on an almost daily basis, I hear from clients by email or in phone calls. They tell me the same line:

“I can’t help how I reacted! My spouse (pushed my buttons/disrespected me/made me angry/hurt my feelings/said mean things/was a jerk/….”

In that mindset, the person is just a puppet, responding to the outside world, thinking that the reaction is completely justified and understandable.

Change comes when you make the change. A different response changes the trajectory of your relationship. At this point, ONLY YOU can do that!

So, are you owning your response? Are you choosing your response?

Or do you continue to view your reaction as “can’t help it, makes sense, not my fault, etc., etc.”?

Time to make a shift.

Listen below to learn how.

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3 Reasons Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

June 15, 2016

You’ve been working hard. You’ve been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You’ve been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily.

You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown.

But then, your spouse doesn’t notice any change at all!

What happened? Why can’t your spouse see the changes?

It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating. But there is a reason your spouse isn’t noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes.

In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn’t see the changes.

Let’s take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program (If you have the System and are ready to Up Your Game)

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Don’t Complicate It

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 24, 2016

Sometimes, I am working with a client and suggest an approach, only to hear the next week, “I did that, and I (added this twist), and things got worse!” I always ask, “Why did you do that? Why did you make that change?” And usually, my client says, “It seemed too simple.”

We humans are funny creatures. We always want to complicate things!

A word of advice: DON’T!

While it may not be easy, the process of saving your marriage is really simple. Don’t complicate it. Find your approach, create your plan, and stick with it.

Learn about how to follow a simple process in this week’s podcast. Don’t complicate it!

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage
Have A Plan
Save The Marriage System

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Avoid The 3 A’s

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

October 28, 2015

You probably know my 3 C’s — Calm, Constant, and Consistent. That is how you want to carry out your plans to save your marriage. (Listen to this training, if you aren’t familiar. CLICK HERE )

There is a reason for those 3 C’s: the 3 A’s that you want to avoid. Those three things can get you into a very bad spot with your efforts.

Here are the 3 A’s to Avoid:

Anxious
Arbitrary
Ambiguous

Don’t let those 3 simple words get you into trouble. The 3 C’s will steer you clear and keep you on-course — but only if you avoid the antecedents to the C’s — the 3 A’s To Avoid.

Listen for an understanding of what those 3 A’s mean, and why it is so important to avoid them.

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Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

September 30, 2015

Let’s just start with a question I hear all the time: “My spouse doesn’t want to work on the marriage. So, there is nothing I can do, right?”

Wrong.

This is one of the top myths about saving your marriage.

I work with many people who are trying to save their marriage with a spouse who is not willing to work on the relationship.

But there are other myths. For example, many people believe they need to “just talk it out,” or take a big trip, buy a house, have a child. . . . And yet, none of these work. All myths of saving your marriage.

Or how about the number of people looking for some hint, trick, or tip that will do it. People want that simple little “mind trick” (some Jedi, ninja, CIA, reverse-psychology, NLP “thingy”) that will turn things around. Myth.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t save your marriage! Just that you don’t want to get “suckered” by one of the myths.

Want to know the Top 10 Myths of Saving Your Marriage? Listen below.

Want to know how to truly save your marriage? CLICK HERE

RELATED RESOURCES:
Top 10 Myths of Marriage
Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy

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