why is my marriage stuck

Your ancestors, way, way back, survived because they were more fearful than their peers.  Because of their fear, they survived, while the less fearful fell to threats.  Over time, this means that we naturally inherited overly-developed fear responses.

It doesn’t take much to trigger fear and anxiety. Your heart races, your breathing quickens, your voice tightens, and your muscles flex, waiting for the fight or the flight.  Waiting to take on the threat or get away from the threat.

That’s an important skill on the savannah or in the jungle.  It even has some applicability for cities and in the woods.  But it is less helpful in your workplace.  And even less helpful in your love relationships.

We can quickly go from zero to 100, even when there really is no threat… just a trigger to your threat response.

How can you understand this?  How would a deeper understanding of this fight/flight response help?

First, you can recognize when the threat response is triggered.  Second, there are ways to more quickly de-threat your body, when you recognize it is not a necessary response.

In recent years, the Poly Vagal Theory has gained credibility and usefulness.  And that is the topic for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  I had the good fortune of interviewing Deb Dana, an expert on the theory (and a skilled clinician in applying it in therapy) for another program I created, but wanted to share it with you.

If you have experienced the fight/flight response with your spouse, finding yourself trapped in a quickly escalating and rapidly disintegrating communication pattern, pay attention.

If you feel the threat feelings when you know it shouldn’t feel threatening, you need to pay attention.

Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Deb Dana’s Website
Thriveology Freedom from Fear Series
Fear in Marriage
Stuck Communication

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