The Royal Wedding: Yours and Theirs

• April 29, 2011
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• no comments

Were you up early?  Quite a few people on this side of the Atlantic were up long before the sun decided to get up, ready to watch with the world the nuptials of a future king and queen.  I have to be honest, I was not among them.  But as I rolled out of bed to help the kids off to school, my wife turned on the TV, and I saw a few bits of the royal fanfare.

And indeed, it was beautiful!  Add a not-so-small amount of pomp, throw in a good looking couple, and stir with our romantic notions, and it was quite the event.  But what does it have to do with a blog about how to save your marriage?

Richard Charters, the Bishop of London, said it best, “in a sense, every wedding is a royal wedding.”

Whenever I see a wedding, it always makes me think of my own wedding, but also weddings in general.

Our wedding was on a blazing hot day in the North Carolina mountains.  My dear mother-in-law had matched those brides-maids dresses to the stainglass windows, so they were certainly staying closed!  And who needs air conditioning in the mountains?

OK, so I remember the heat and the sweat, but I also remember my beautiful bride coming toward me.  I remember the vows I made.  And I remember, as we walked out hand-in-hand, that it all had seemed too easy!  I went into that building single, and emerged less than an hour later, promising to spend my life with someone.  Wow!  We sometimes forget the power of that.

My real pain of watching people marry is knowing just that:  it is easy.  Probably too easy.  My daughter recently got her driver’s license.  She had to drive, under guidance of an adult (mostly me) for 60 hours, by state law, before they would let her have her license.  She had to complete a written test. Then she had to prove it to an officer, that she could, indeed, drive that car.

Marriage?  Just walk right up, maybe with a blood test in your hands, pay a few bucks, and get your “marriage license.”  You are then licensed to marry.  Pretty simple, no?  Maybe too simple.

“Yeah but,” you argue, “a car can be a deadly weapon.”  Correct.  “And so can relationships,” I argue, “given the pain of broken relationships.”  Then you might respond, “but there are just some marriages that were wrong from the start.”

And I would respond that I truly believe this is only a small percentage.  Most marriages go awry, not because the wrong people were together, but because they didn’t have a clue what they were doing.

In many instances, the wedding happens, and everyone congratulates the couple, and off they go to figure it all out on their own.  No mentoring, no “how to” guides, no guidance at all.  Oh, sure, some churches offer premarital counseling.  I should know.  I do that very thing for several churches.

But let’s be real honest here:  couples, before they get married, have no idea what they are getting into.  Think about trying to tell an expectant couple that is dreaming of their beautiful baby, about the sleepless nights, yucky diapers, icky throw-up, or many of the other parenting pieces that fall into your lap.  Would they even hear it?

The best I hope for is that the couple have some sense that they are in for some unforeseen changes, and give them some markers to move toward.  And I hope they know that they can return when they have a tough time.

Why is it that we have this notion that marriage should be easy, and if it isn’t, it was a mistake?  Why don’t we adopt a growth mindset that tells us that everything we do can be improved, as long as we work on improving it?

So what about YOUR royal wedding?  Did it start with hopes and expectations?  It can still happen.  But that does mean giving up on the myth that right marriages just click.  It means looking at successful marriages as continued, daily effort to be a better person and spouse.  THAT is why the royal marriage is in a blog about how to save your marriage!