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Monthly Archives :

August 2011

Can A Separation Really Save A Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Saving a marriage by separationWere you watching the Today Show this morning?  After a Wall Street Journal article, a segment on how a separation saved a marriage was on.

Which means that countless couples this morning are contemplating separation.  Some are hoping it will save their marriage.  Others simply want justification to get out (“let’s separate and see if that helps”).

The stories noted above are about a couple that wrote a book about how their separation saved their marriage.  The danger is in the extrapolation:  “it can save your marriage, too.”  And in a VERY limited number of cases, they may be right.  But in the vast majority of couples, a separation is exactly what I have been calling it for years:  “a dress rehearsal for divorce.”

Let me be a bit more blunt:  not everyone dies from cancer.  Many survive.  That doesn’t mean I want to take a risk and get cancer!  I’d rather avoid it altogether.

That said, I have worked with couples that have separated and gotten back together.  It is just my opinion that this is really a last ditch effort.  Sometimes, one person insists and there is nothing more that can be done.  The separation is going to happen, and one has to bend to the will of the other.

In that case, I have a few suggestions.

1)  If possible, opt for an in-house separation.  That means that you stay in separate bedrooms, and create boundaries of separation.  For example, you may agree that after dinner (or after work, or whatever you decide), you will go to your “neutral corners.”  That often gives the emotional distance necessary to cool off, but it keeps the family intact.  It also avoids the substantial costs of the second household.

2)  If you do separate, be clear about how and when you will maintain contact.  If you decide to break off contact, you are taking a huge leap toward the dress rehearsal.  But if you are intentional about maintaining contact, then there is somewhere to move toward.  Schedule phone times, time together, etc.  And be specific about it.  No generalities.  There is too much room for avoidance in generalities.

3)  No dating during the separation.  Some people argue that you should date.  I would argue that during a separation, you are still married.  You have vowed to be faithful, and being otherwise only multiplies the problems and divides the chances at reconciliation.

4)  Have a specific time-frame.  No need for a minimum, but definitely a maximum.  For example, you may say “we will separate for no more than 3/6/9 months, and then sit down and decide where we are.”

5)  Try to keep the family routine as normal as possible.  At this point, the children need to feel that life is normal and not falling apart.  Dealing with marriage issues is one part.  Dealing with family issues is an entirely different piece.

6)  Be civil.  Kindness and politeness makes a huge difference.  If you are trying to reduce the conflict, and that is the reason for the separation, then reduce the conflict.  Make a conscious effort to be civil toward each other.  But go one more step and look for the positive in the other person.

How To Save Your Marriage When It Hurts
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Too many times, I have answered my phone to sobs, had people come to my office in tears, write emails that are outpourings of pain.

So, let’s be clear — saving a marriage is tough work!  It requires you to set aside the pain you feel and move forward.  It means setting aside anger and resentment and choosing to relate.

Said another way, it requires us to get out of our lizard brain and back into our sensible brain.

We all have that lizard brain deep within our head.  It is the part that tries to avoid pain at all costs, the one that calculates it is easier to avoid than deal with the tough stuff.

Your lizard brain is constantly telling you what to fear, what it thinks can hurt you — which, by the way, is just about everything.  That part of you that keeps saying “but what if I try, and my spouse rejects me?” or “what if I do/say the wrong thing?” or the one that says “nothing is worth this.”

The sensible part, the one we humans pretend is really in charge, hears that deep voice, and then pretends it makes sense.  But one step back, that brain knows that 1) there are no guarantees in life, 2)  sometimes, life hurts, but that doesn’t mean we should shrink away, and 3)  there are things like family, commitment, and love, that make the pain bearable.

When you find yourself wanting to give up, to get away from the pain, take a step back.  Give yourself a chance to breathe.  Then ask “can I keep trying?”, “am I really ready to quit?”, “am I willing to really give it my best shot?”  If you decide you really want to quit, just make sure that lizard brain hasn’t hijacked the rest of you.

And when you are ready to keep on moving forward, to find a way, find your answer on how to save your marriage here.

Sometimes, It Is Just Easier To Give Up, Call It Quits. . .
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Couple Disconnected. . .throw in the towel, walk away.

Easier.  But better?

Let me tell you about Rod and Penny.  They had been married for 17 years when they hit a tough spot.  Both “tried to get things better,” although neither told the other.  Then, both began to truly believe that the problem was the other one.  With fingers pointed at each other, they came into my office, loaded.

They had a list of grievances.  Both were ready to unload, to have me play judge and assign fault.  I think both wanted me to tell him or her that he or she was innocent, and the whole problem with the marriage was the other.

I resisted, knowing that each had been a part of the problems.  Instead, I tried to understand what was happening to the relationship.  I listened as one would start a story, only to have the details either challenged or corrected.  Quickly, we got off-track and derailed.  The bickering was non-stop.  The animosity was far too clear.

Finally, toward the end of a session, Rod turned and said, “I’ve had enough.  It would be easier to just quit.”  The room was silent for a moment.  Then I asked, “is that what you really want?  Is that where you are?  Ready to give up?  Or are you just frustrated and feeling hopeless?”  Rod was silent.

In the midst of pain, we tend to easily confuse what would be easy and what would be useful.  We confuse what we want with wanting to stop the pain.  Caught between seeing more pain and seeing an end to the pain, we tend to want relief.  But our sight is usually a bit clouded.  Our emotions fool us into looking only at the pain, not the possibility.

I must admit, I am not much on giving up  on a marriage.  In fact, I really believe that marriages are way too important to simply quit on.  Not that I think all marriages have to stick it out.  In fact, I am clear that abusive marriages are outside of what I think should be saved.  The danger is too great.

Problem is, we live in a society that is too often looking for the “easy” answer, the less painful way.  Only to learn that it is neither easy nor painless.  In fact, part of the reason I hold so strongly to marriage is because I know the people on the other side.  The ones that threw in the towel, walked away, called it quits.

I have met VERY FEW that say “I am so glad I did that.”  In fact, the vast majority tell me quite the opposite — “why didn’t we fight harder?”

Sometimes, the seemingly easy path is really the most dangerous path.  And what looks like the most painful path is, indeed, the better way.

Can Sex Save A Marriage?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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(And can the lack of sex destroy a marriage?)

I always venture into a conversation about sex with a bit of trepidation.  Reason being that while few want to talk about sex, everyone has an opinion, and an emotional reaction to the topic.

If you are in a marriage in trouble, and sex is one of the issues, then there is even more energy around this topic, and even more of a chance for emotional responses.

That said, this is a very important topic.  So important, in fact, that I devote quite a few pages to it in my Save The Marriage System.  And a big enough issue that when people report on why their marriage ended, sex is in the top 3 reasons given (along with finances and parenting).

Why is it such an emotionally charged topic?  Simple.  It is one of the taboo topics in our culture.  By the way, you may notice that so are finances and parenting.  How many times have you, at a cocktail party, started a conversation with “how’s your sex life with your spouse?” or “how much money’d you make this year?” or “can I tell you something about your parenting?”  Oh, sure, we talk about these issues with our closest friends, sometimes.  But usually with a good bit of emotion, joking, tears, or because of a crisis.

So, even perspiring a bit, I press on.  Can sex save a marriage?  Can a poor sex life destroy a marriage?  Easy answer:  perhaps.

First, let me say that we humans have a wide range of sexual appetites, both in frequency and style.  So, to think that a marriage is going to have two equally interested partners is fantasy.  And that often begins the troubles.  What starts as a loving gesture of connection begins to be a struggle of interest, and then a struggle of wills.  There is going to be a winner and a loser.  And at that point, a great method of connection begins to be a great method of struggle.

Clearly, since sex ends up being in the top 3 of marriage-enders, it can certainly destroy a marriage.  A power struggle eats away at any marriage, leaving little room for growth, but plenty of space for stagnation.

Marriage is about partnership, being a team, connecting.  Sex is about connection.  Or should be.  So when sex is missing from a marriage, it begins to be a place of struggle.  No longer connection, it begins to be isolating.  Often, at the first stage, one wants sex and the other resists.  Both begin to feel isolated, one pressured and one rejected.  Isolation moves toward disconnection.  Until, at some point, someone decides that he or she “can’t take it anymore,” and decides to make the isolation legal.

So, that really gets us back to the topic at hand:  can sex save a marriage?  I answered already with “perhaps.”  So, let me elaborate a bit.

To be clear, sex is no panacea.  A broken marriage is not going to suddenly be healed by bedroom activity.  In fact, going from no sex to lots of sex can lead to anger and resentment:  “why wasn’t it like this before I decided to leave?”

But sex IS another way to connect and reconnect.  It CAN help move a couple toward renewed commitment and feelings of connection.

Too often, we underestimate how powerful sex is, and how important it really can be.   We often decide it is just about someone wanting to “get off,” or as I heard several times in my office last week, “get release.”  We get into that old “either/or” thing of it is only about the desire for pleasure.  It is possible that sex can be because it feels good AND it leads to connection.  It really is often a “both/and.”  But the more a couple struggles, the harder it is to see this.

People also tend to underestimate the deep feeling of rejection felt by the person who is wanting to have sex.  And since, in many relationships, that falls more and more to one person, it is possible that the person rejecting has not felt that in a VERY long time.

Now, the other side:  sex cannot be about pressure.  It must be about mutuality, and with respect.  Otherwise, it does merely become a physical release.  That does not mean that both are equal in their desire.  Only that both seek to be respectful and understanding of the needs of both.

Can sex improve a marriage?  Definitely.

Ready to save your marriage?  Grab my system HERE.

What Is Important In Life?: Lessons from the summer
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Wow!  What a busy summer!  My guess is it is no different for you.  I always remember summers as a child.  The days flew by, but time slowed down.  It seemed that the world moved at a different pace.

I have been on several trips this summer, first on a mission trip with my daughter and then on a Boy Scout trip with my son.  In the meantime, my daughter went away for a language immersion program and the rest of the family took a break together on vacation.  Suddenly, I turn around and realize my blog sits without comment since May.

But all summer, I have been reflecting on what is important.  I spent my mission time in the Dominican Republic, a lush land that is quite poor.  The Scouts trip took us to the Bahamas, a harsh environment with great wealth.  And in between, I had 1 1/2 days to  clean up, rest, and fly out again.  In other words, I was in each environment within about 48 hours of each other.

There I am in the DR, meeting people who were hugging me, offering our group gifts, and seeing people in the cities and villages sitting together.  What emerged was the deep love and support of the people.  Then the Bahamas, with $20 million homes isolated on an island.  People created rules to keep others off “their” beaches.  LOTS of wealth, not so much community.

Let me be clear that these are general themes, and don’t apply to everyone.  But let me also say that although general, it was sure obvious to me.

So, what does matter?  That thick bank account, nice boat, nice car, beautiful house?  Or connection, support, relationships?

When my daughter returned from her journeys, she told us about the plaza in the village where she spent several weeks.  Everyone gathered there in the evenings, swapping stories and sitting together.  We talked about how absent that often is in the United States.  We are more likely to build fences than to sit together.

In spite of the fact that we are clearly social beings.  We are obviously made to be in relationships.

What about marriage?  How often do marriages end because a couple stopped attending to what was important:  the relationship.  Instead, they focused on gathering stuff, raising kids, chasing pursuits.

A study several years back examined spouses and communication.  It found that couples spend talking, when you take out the calendar issues and reporting on administrative issues, less than 4 minutes per day.  Go out on a date one evening and talk for 1/2 hour — you just wiped out a week’s worth of conversation!

Why do marriages find themselves in trouble?  Couples stop connecting, stop communicating, stop sharing.  Slowly, the need finds other places to be.  Then one day, they look at each other and realize the disconnection is deep.

What is important?  My vote is “relationships.”  How about your vote?