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Monthly Archives :

January 2015

4 Foundations Of A Forever Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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4 foundations of a forever marriage.I’ve asked the question many times:  “What is the foundation of a strong marriage?”

I usually get the same response:  “love.”

In your mind, please now hear the “Buzzzz” sound, indicating that answer is wrong!

Please understand:  I am not opposed to love.  I deeply love my wife.  I do not believe that a loveless marriage is the aim.

I simply do not believe that love is the foundation of a strong, enduring, lasting, forever marriage.

Here is why:  when love is seen as the foundation, you have nowhere to go when the feelings of love ebb.  Those feelings DO ebb in every relationship.  It is just the nature of such intimate relationships.

And, if you want the real secret, the 4 foundations, when followed, DO lead to love (both the action and the feeling).

What do I mean by “foundation?”  Over the weekend, my wife had HGTV on.  So, by default, I was “watching” the show (I will admit to nothing more than that!).

As is prone to happen on this particular show, they tore down the walls to rebuild — and discovered that things were amiss!  The foundation was failing and the house was sinking.

The foundation is what supports the rest of the structure.  Without a strong foundation, the structure of the house (and a marriage) begins to sink and crumble.  The stronger the foundation, the safer the structure (your relationship and your family).

Here is the good news:  when you understand the foundations, you can spot the weaknesses and either rebuild or reinforce.

Ready to discover the 4 foundations of your forever marriage?  Listen below.

Note:  I mention 2 interviews in the podcast.
HERE is the link to my interview with Gary Chapman.
HERE is the link to my interview with Bob Grant.

 

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What’s Your Why?
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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What's Your Why?I hear the same question over and over, “How do I save my marriage?”

It’s a great question.  But there is something else you need to ask first:  “What’s my why?”

In other words, WHY are you wanting to save your marriage?  This is the starting point.

That single question is fundamental to your process, whether you are watching your marriage teeter at the edge of destruction, or if you are just starting out.

When you ask yourself “Why?”, you will discover two types of reasons.

Of these two types, only one will move you forward.  The other type will fall away.

Yet most people are using this type of “why.”  Which is why those efforts often fall short — eventually, the efforts are abandoned.

When the other type is your reason, the motivation stays.  This type of “why” serves as a GPS for you through the difficult moments.  It tells you the direction to go, as you put together your “how,” your plan to save your marriage.

Listen below to learn how to discover the reason “why” you want to save your marriage, and then how to use that in your plan to save your marriage.

Ready to learn how?  Grab my Save The Marriage System HERE.

 

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4 Steps to Civility In Your Marriage
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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Civility is the starting point for saving your marriage.Many times, I found myself just playing referee in my office.  The sparring match began when the couple sat down, and didn’t stop until they left.

It seemed that all I could do was ring the bell and end a round.  “Be civil,” I would tell them.

Then, the gloves would come off and they were sparring again.

“Be civil,” I would tell them, more emphatically, but still in my best therapist’s voice.

And still, they would go after each other.

One day, a man turned to me and said, “Is that all you can say? ‘Be civil?'”  I looked at him, and in my most “therapy” therapist voice said, “That would be a really good place to start.”

Being civil IS a great place to start, an excellent place to continue, and a terrific foundation to any relationship.

Here is the irony:  on a daily basis, we are civil to many, many people — some we probably don’t even like!

And then, to the one most important person in our lives — our spouse — we let it fly!  Civility is out the window.

Let’s decide, together, that as a foundation, civility is a great starting point.

Here are 4 steps to bringing more civility into your marriage — regardless of the conflict level right now.

 

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End Your Controlling Behavior (before it ends your marriage)
 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
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End your controlling behavior, before it ends your marriage!Yet another email:  “My spouse is leaving me because my spouse is tired of my controlling behavior.  I didn’t know I was!  Help!”

Sometimes, the email tells me one thing different:  the person knew he/she was controlling — but thought it was OK.

It isn’t.

Controlling behavior is yet another dynamic that erodes the connection of any relationship — but is amplified in marriage.

Some people recognize they are controlling (and even brag a bit about it), and others simply don’t notice.

And for every person who is actively controlling, someone else has to be controlled.  These two roles are allowed and accepted by both.  And in the process, the foundation of the marriage is slowly crumbled.

Here’s the problem:  controlling behavior impinges on the freedom of choice of someone else; it undermines the judgement and thoughts of one person, while elevating another person’s actions and thoughts.

Sadly, many people miss the underlying cause of controlling behavior.  Instead, they feed the behavior and allow it more power.  In the process, they create a cycle of continually more and more controlling behavior.  At some point, a spouse decides enough is enough.

Don’t get to that point!  Learn how to step back from being controlling.

 

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