The Truth Always Comes Out — Post-Ashley Madison

• August 20, 2015
• Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
• 1 comment

According to the press, divorce attorneys are waiting for the rush.  People on both sides, cheater or cheated, are waking up to a new reality.  Embarrassment, hurt, shame, guilt, and anger is erupting around the United States.

Somewhere around 36 million accounts of potential cheaters has been unleashed.  Why do I say “potential”?  Because having an account does not amount to actually following through.  Some have likely created accounts to fuel their fantasies.  Some had inappropriate conversations.  And some cheated.  Their account will not reveal what each person did.

Whatever the reason or outcome, there will be devastated spouses who are just learning of a spouse’s wayward eye.

Ashley Madison would love to put this genie back into the bottle.  But it is more like Pandora’s box — once the box is open, there is no going back.  That is the nature of information on the internet.

I have been asked over and over, “has the internet/smartphones/FB/Snapchat/AshleyMadison/pornsites/etc. caused infidelity?”

Statistics and observation would say no.  The rates of infidelity stay fairly consistent.  The change is in the manner of carrying out an affair.  These resources are more like conduits.  It still takes someone who is willing to step beyond the boundaries of a marriage.  That really is the issue:  the willingness of someone to cheat.

Do I like Ashley Madison?  Absolutely not.  “Despise” would more accurately describe my feeling.  And the feeling is aimed at those behind it — the willingness to create a conduit for cheating.  Yes, those other conduits I noted provide ways to meet and cheat.  But they have other purposes.  Ashley Madison does not.  Its sole purpose is to facilitate cheating (OK, the REAL purpose is to make a profit — but a profit based on deceit and damage).

I have mixed feelings, though, about the hack.  It is, after all, illegal to hack a company and share private information.  On the other hand, one thing is clear:  the truth will come out.  Truth #1, a company that specializes in deceit did not protect their users.  But Truth #2, people were at least willing to consider cheating — and instead of confronting the issues in their relationship, they were willing to deceive.

Oh, trust me, I have seen the “my affair saved my marriage” comments and articles.  And they are merely a great self-justification.  But why not truly save your marriage?  Why not either 1) build a relationship you would actually treasure and protect, or 2) be clear with your spouse that you can’t be faithful?

From my perspective, I have to witness the devastation of not doing one or the other (building or admitting).  Spouses who become: paranoid, suspicious, angry, hurt, bitter, resentful, and mistrustful.  Children who become: angry, hurt, bitter, resentful, and have difficulties trusting love in their own lives.

For what?

A very short-termed escape from a reality that could potentially be changed.  A fantasy that is very unlikely to last (would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who cheats? — the basis of an affair – and the reason why very, very few affair relationships last).

We only need to look in the news for proof that the truth does come out.  Ask Cosby, Fogel, Clinton, etc., etc., etc.  It may take some time, but the deceit can’t last.

Oh, and if you discovered a spouse was on Ashley Madison, according to the hackers, there is at least an 83% chance that it is a husband.  Of the 36 million accounts, 28 million were male.  The rest were female.  But some believe that many of even those few female accounts are faked, to get men to sign up.

That does not mean women are not cheating.  After all, heterosexual infidelity does require one of each gender.  It is more likely an indication of how women enter into infidelity, versus men.  For women, it may be more relational than men.  Men are happy to rely on the ease of a website.

For me, the real issue here is that people see marriage as disposable (or at least not worth protecting).  Not working out?  Walk out.  Not working out?  Go out (and cheat).  Ashley Madison just tapped into that feeling.  Their tagline is “Life is short.  Have an affair.”  Wouldn’t it be better to believe, “Life is short.  Have a great marriage.”

It always amazes me the effort some cheaters go to in order to facilitate the extra-marital relationship, versus the amount of energy (or lack of) to deal with nurturing a marriage.  I often feel the same about criminal activity.  With all the creativity and energy that goes into an illicit activity, what would happen if that was used for decent (licit) activities?

The Ashley Madison hack will open up many people (primarily, wives) to the reality that things are not what they thought.  Does that mean the marriage needs to end?  Perhaps.  Or it could lead to facing the real issues of the relationship.  It could actually be the beginning of something new, based on honesty.

And you can be sure, this won’t be the last time the truth comes out.  It may only be the last time that the truth of 36 million people is unveiled at once.

The truth usually does come out.

RESOURCES FOR YOU:
Dealing With Infidelity
Saving Your Marriage