January 2016 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Try A NEW Marriage Model!

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg January 27, 2016 January 21, 2016

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 27, 2016

We all have ideas, “mental models,” of what things are and how things work. Those models tend to change over time, both throughout history in in your own life.

A great example is marriage. Did you know that several millennia back, a marriage was a property transfer? A man needed help, a wife and kids. So, the man made a deal with another family, paying that family a “dowry” for that woman. She (and the kids) was property.

Did you know that same model is still true in some areas of the world?

If you are reading this, that is not likely to be your model of marriage. Over time, western culture has shifted through several other models of marriage. Some were utilitarian — a marriage was designed to be a place to have a family and be secure. Some were more about companionship — to have someone by your side, throughout a lifetime.

More recently, we have arrived at what some relationship theorists have called the “self-expressive marriage.” We live in a self-expressive world, where if you feel it, you do it. Follow your passions.

Let me be very clear: I am all for personal growth. I am all for a fully engaged and fulfilling relationship. Unfortunately, we have taken this “self-expressive marriage” and turned it into “self-gratifying marriage.”

There is a vital shift that seems to happen shortly after marriage for many couples. You probably married because you wanted to show your spouse how deeply you loved him/her. Many couples (how about you?) then make a subtle shift, asking “How are you showing me you love me?” Said slightly more cynically, that amounts to “What are YOU doing for ME?” Thus, the self-gratifying marriage, and one major side-effect: when it is no longer gratifying, it is time to leave.

Is there, perhaps, another model for marriage?

Yep. Marriage can be the stage for growth, relationally and personally, when we take that on. Life is all about growing — or stagnating. Are you growing? Is your relationship growing?

Learn more about the new model in this week’s podcast (Listen Below).

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 Steps To Saving Your Marriage
Marriage Is A WE
Save The Marriage System
Save The Marriage VIP (If you have the System)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

End Your Dance of Hurt and Blame

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 20, 2016

Hurt. Blame. Hurt. Blame.

The dance goes round and round, each person dancing the steps. That dance isn’t fun. But it certainly seems to be a popular dance for couples!

Every relationship has its unique “dance,” and both people generally stick to the same steps. . . until it doesn’t work anymore.

Then, the marriage can easily lapse into trouble.

Unless you decide to change the dance.

Since we are on this dance theme, many people tell me, “Well, it takes two to Tango.” True.

And if you are married, you two are dancing. In other words, the dance is already in progress. But you know what? In every dance, someone can choose to “lead” in a different way, choose to dance some different steps. And maybe even decide to change the music and dance a different dance entirely.

Tired of the dance you are in?

Stop the “dance of blame and hurt!”

RELATED RESOURCES:
Finding Your Why
Showing Up
Connection Resources
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

4 Marriage Crisis Mistakes To Avoid

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 13, 2016

A marriage crisis doesn’t ever start as a crisis. It may start as a deficit in action or understanding, inattention, neglect, or some small altercation.

But it can spread over time, engulfing the entire relationship in crisis.

Many times, people tell me, “I should have taken action long ago, but _______.”

Fill in the blank with:

“I didn’t know what to do.”
“I didn’t know we were in trouble.”
“I was afraid to do anything.”
“I was afraid I would make it worse.”
“I shouldn’t be the one who has to do something.”

Mistakes along the way begin to escalate the marriage problem, until it is a full-blown marriage crisis. Then what?

Then, you have to avoid these 4 mistakes. (My bet is that the first mistake has already been made.)

Learn what the mistakes are, and how to avoid or correct them.

RELATED RESOURCE:
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

How To Make Each Day A New Start

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

January 6, 2016

We tend to love the “new.” A new outfit, new car, new year, new whatever. It always feels like a fresh start, full of possibilities. But the newness tends to fade fast. Then, it is just another outfit, just the car you drive, just another year.

Take that car, for example. If you are like me, that first ding or dent changes something. That first stain or damage takes out it out of “new.” Oh, sure, you keep the car. But it loses a little of the allure.

Unfortunately, the same is often true with relationships. A new relationship, without all the history, the hurts and laughs, can seem to be the easiest way. But it never has the same depth, the same “soul.”

I have this scar on my leg that reminds me of that huge wipeout on a skateboard when I was 13. I still remember the pain (I don’t remember the actual accident, thanks to cracking my head on a cinderblock). But I also remember the epic run that led to the accident. That scar tells me a story (and certainly didn’t keep me from skateboarding!).

Relationships are like that. We find strength from the struggles. We find comfort from the joys. Together, they can knit a powerful relationship. But too often, we just get mired down in the pains, ready to walk away.

We have to find some way to hold onto the relationship, but release the pains.

One way is to see each day as a new beginning, a new chance. Not just to keep making the same old mistakes, but to create something amazing.

So, why isn’t each day a new beginning? Because we stay trapped to the past. We don’t move forward in new and better ways. We end up reliving the same day, over and over.

We have a chance to embrace each day as a new opportunity, for ourselves and for our relationship. In today’s episode, I tell you the 6 steps to take, in order to make each day a new way.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS