What Are You Controlling?

150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

WhatAreYouControllingBehaviorSo many times, I hear couples say, “Stop Controlling ME!”  Interestingly, sometimes, both people are saying it to the other.  BOTH people are not likely to get very far in controlling.  But BOTH claim a controlling spouse, while NEITHER accepts being controlling.

Why is that?

From my perspective, people spend a great deal of energy trying to control things that cannot be controlled, and forgetting to control the things they CAN control.

And this is why both people can feel controlled, and neither can feel controlling.

Do you feel that you are in a controlling marriage, with a controlling spouse?  Do you think YOU might be controlling, of your spouse and of your relationship?

Consider 3 categories of control, things over which you:

  1. have NO control,
  2. have PARTIAL control,
  3. have FULL control.

Spend your time trying to control the things over which you have no control, and you are headed for frustration (your spouse’s and yours).  Forget to control the things you can, and you are headed for problems.

Let’s talk about control — where you have it and where you don’t.

End Your Controlling Behavior
Stop Being Controlling
Countrol, Boundaries, & Standards
“Why Are We Fighting?”
Stop Pursuing
The Save The Marriage System


Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dr. Baucom is internationally known for his methods and approaches to saving marriages. For over 25 years, Dr. Baucom has been helping people around the world to save, restore, and create the relationships they desire and deserve. He is the author of the book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps, and creator of the Save The Marriage System, as well as numerous other resources.

All stories by: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
  • Scoot Smythe

    I’ve gotten alot better at understanding that I have no control over the choices my spouse makes in our marriage and I have a choice to act in a positive way regardless of her choices. I don’t experience nearly as much anxiety as I used to because of this, but I still don’t get how I’m supposed to be okay with some of the choices that I see are wrong. I guess my point is, there is usually a baseline of behavior in situations that the average person would agree is acceptable (limit yelling and use of bad language, managing responsibilities, sharing intimacy, raising children, etc.). How do you tell yourself to just accept the way your spouse acts when you know a request for improvement would not be unreasonable and would help the marriage as well as themselves on a personal/individual level? I don’t see how this is not just throwing your hands up and giving them all the power to do as they please regardless of your desires?