August 2018 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

5 Ways To Manage Your Emotions (in the midst of the crisis)

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By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 29, 2018

It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis. Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things… almost without control.

A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors. If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally “tapped out.” Which means it might not take much for you to boil over…

And undo any progress you have been making.

I have frequently been told that “I just can’t control my emotions.” And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions.

In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis.

Is it hard? It can be a challenge. But it is do-able.

You can do it! Let’s talk about how!

(Listen Below!)

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4 Fears That Halt Your Efforts… And Don’t Need To

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 22, 2018

You’ve decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.

Then, BAM! You hit a wall.

A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.

But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and actions are not the same. Fears are fears. Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power.

When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people… and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just “background noise.”

Which will they be for you?

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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NMF: The Fastest Path to Failure

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 15, 2018

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).

She wanted to know what to do — how to save her marriage — given the fact that it wasn’t her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn’t know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.

NMF

She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn’t see how she had anything to do with it.

NMF

When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to “he did…,” “he didn’t….” She could point out his failures and shortcomings.

And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?

NMF

I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.

Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is “Not My Fault.”

Here is the problem with “Not My Fault”: It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).

Let’s talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below.

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What About Addictions?

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 8, 2018

Sometimes, people want to check with me and see if my System addresses certain special issues. One that recurs is the question about addictions. What if they or their spouse is addicted? Will that be a problem in saving the marriage?

Since it is a recurring question, I decided to address it in this episode of the podcast.

But the quick answer is “Yes, it is an issue. Yes, it needs to be addressed. But no, that does not discount or eliminate the issues in the marriage. It adds another layer.”

The longer answer is addressed in the podcast.

But first, let me be clear in saying that I believe humans have a propensity to addiction. Many of us avoid immediately destructive addictions. But many of us do fall prey to longer-term damage from addictions. For example, sugar. While it may not kill as quickly as alcohol or opiates, the long term damage is undeniable.

In this case, we are looking, though, at more immediately damaging addictions, both to substances and processes (sex, gambling, etc.).

If addictions, either your own or your spouse’s, is adding to your marriage crisis, take a listen to see how the two pieces of the puzzle must be addressed.

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Marriage and Self-Expansion

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

August 1, 2018

“I just outgrew you,” he said to her in my office. But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually “outgrown” her. But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth. He said, “You stifle me,” and she answered, “You never care about my interests.”

And both were right.

But both missed the opportunity — self-expansion as a part of the relationship. They could both grow, both explore, and still stay married.

Recent research has shown that one of the leading contributors to unhappiness in marriage (and risk for infidelity) is a lack of opportunity for self-expansion in the relationship.

Great term, “self-expansion.” In a world of “self-growth” and “self-development,” the idea is a bit broader. Self-growth/development focuses on psychological or spiritual change. But what about just exploring the world and widening your horizons? Well, self-expansion encompasses both self-development and trying new things out.

Does your relationship support both of your opportunities for self-expansion (within the boundaries of the relationship)? Is there room for growing? Support for growing? Sharing new experiences together? Sharing your passions for individual interests? Those are the elements of self-expansion within marriage.

Learn more in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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