February 2021 – Save The Marriage: Even if only YOU want to!

Out of Nowhere?

https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/wp-content/themes/corpus/images/empty/thumbnail.jpg 150 150 Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D. https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/669b7e375d93f77521ddaba08adb8063?s=96&d=blank&r=pg February 24, 2021 February 23, 2021

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 24, 2021

Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.” In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week.

What happened? How could the marriage fall about, seemingly out of nowhere?

The simple answer is, it didn’t.

Marriage crises do not come out of nowhere, and are far less sudden than you might think.

As one divorce attorney put it, marriages “fall apart little by little, then all at once.”

The hurts, pains, disconnections, lost opportunities, and slights build up over time. And suddenly, they hit a threshold. I call it the Threshold Problem. You didn’t see the threshold coming, until it hits. Until the marriage runs out of gas. Then, you have a hard time seeing how you got to the threshold. So it looks like it was out of the blue, out of nowhere.

But it wasn’t. It didn’t happen overnight. And saving it won’t happen overnight. That is possible, slowly at first, as long as you move with intention in that direction.

Learn more about why a marriage crisis is not “out of nowhere” in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Can Change

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 17, 2021

You’ve been working hard to reconnect and change yourself. You’re proud of your efforts. But your spouse just isn’t buying.

For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes — or maybe doesn’t even see the changes!

Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall? Like nothing you are doing is making a difference? Like your spouse has already judged you and won’t allow themselves to see something different?

In this episode, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn’t willing or able to see a change. Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn’t trust that the change will last.

Does that describe your situation? If so, please listen. I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Therapy or Bust!

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 10, 2021

We had been talking for at least half an hour. I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do. I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing.

Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out. They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve. But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and even divorce. So, I work hard to show a way forward.

I was pretty open with my concerns about therapy with this caller. She had heard my podcasts on the subject and knew I had major reservations. (Statistics are pretty clear on this topic.)

Which is why I was a bit surprised when she asked, “So, could you recommend a therapist?”

Okay, admittedly, I was not overly surprised. I get the same request on a regular basis. That, in spite of my clear discussions about marriage therapy issues, problems, and limitations. (And yes, I was trained as a marriage therapist. Yes, I have lots of therapist friends. Yes, I am even married to one. And yes, I still have concerns.)

I guess I was more surprised because we had, even just five minutes earlier, discussed my concerns. Yet, here we were. Looking for a therapist.

“Therapist or Bust,” it would seem!

Did I recommend a therapist? Nope. Because I don’t do that. For several reasons. I discuss my concerns and reasons on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I look at why we default to a method that has pretty poor outcome results. I look at some basic problems with the therapy approach, and discuss when therapy does make sense. Avoid the traps and you are well ahead of the game!

Listen in below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Knocked Down, Back Up

By: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

February 3, 2021

You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!

And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.

And it knocks you down.

Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.

But are you? Or do you need to get back up?

In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward. Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn.

And guess what? The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage.

We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS