March 2023

Roles.  We all have them.  We all play them.

Some are “identity roles.”  They identify us in the role.  For example, I am “son,” “father,” “brother,” “husband.”

Some are “function roles.”  They identify what we do.  For example, I am “coach,” “therapist,” “author,” “speaker,”  and “podcaster” (among others).  They tell you what I do, what role I play in life.

Then there are “attribution roles.”  They try to describe why we do something.

And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention.  Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck.  And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them.

Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim.

To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim.

And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies.  That is a role that you may assign.  But it will keep you stuck.

Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles… and what to do, instead.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Being On The Same Team
How To Be A WE
Dealing With Anger
Showing Up
Save The Marriage System

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Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual.  As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.

Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?

This can be kind of like that.  Get too close, and they will drag you under with them.  Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision.  Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby… and anyone.

And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning… even with no water (other than tears).  The desperation is there.  The flailing is there.  And if you aren’t careful, you can get pulled under.

One person in crisis is enough.  Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.

Don’t allow yourself to get pulled under.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.

RELATED RESOURCES
Your Spouse Is Not The Enemy
Conflict In Marriage
Control What You Can
Save The Marriage System

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You’ve decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress.

Then, BAM!  You hit a wall.

A wall of fear.  Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up.

But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts.  In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts.  Fears and actions are not the same.  Fears are fears.  Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power.

When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people… and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just “background noise.”

Which will they be for you?

Listen to the podcast episode below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Relationship Fears
3 C’s of Saving A Marriage
Why Save It?
Facing Fears and Moving Forward
Save The Marriage System

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